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HELP - Boyfriend is an addict that won't get help & he likes me to use with him.

Old 06-08-2006, 11:06 AM
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Angry HELP - Boyfriend is an addict that won't get help & he likes me to use with him.

My boyfriend recently moved in with me. He loves his cocaine. In the past I have participated, but not to the extent of his abuse. It is very bad and now that he is living with me, I no longer want to partake, at all. I have no way of getting it, nor do I seek it out, but I am afraid he will bring it around me. What do I do when/or if he does? Do I lock the door, do I just let him do his thing and try to keep myself healthy? I love him, but it seems futile....do I try Naranon meetings? I am trying to keep myself sane living with an addict that doesn't think that 1x or 2x a week can make him an addict. I only want to live with him if he stops, but it's too late b/c he's in my place....any advice out there. HELP.....
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Old 06-08-2006, 11:17 AM
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Nar Anon meetings would be a good start.
May want to read the posts that say sticky beside them at the top of the boards as well. More so at the top of the Nar Anon board maybe.

Welcome to SR. You will find many wonderful people here with great advise and exeperiences that they will share with you.
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Old 06-08-2006, 11:27 AM
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Originally Posted by TINYT
My boyfriend recently moved in with me. He loves his cocaine. In the past I have participated, but not to the extent of his abuse. It is very bad and now that he is living with me, I no longer want to partake, at all. I have no way of getting it, nor do I seek it out, but I am afraid he will bring it around me. What do I do when/or if he does? Do I lock the door, do I just let him do his thing and try to keep myself healthy? I love him, but it seems futile....do I try Naranon meetings? I am trying to keep myself sane living with an addict that doesn't think that 1x or 2x a week can make him an addict. I only want to live with him if he stops, but it's too late b/c he's in my place....any advice out there. HELP.....
First off I would like to welcome you to SR and we are glad that you are here. My name is Vic and I am an addict! Hell I love cocaine also, meth, shrums, WDYG, the only thing is they don't like me anymore, I am allergic to any kind of mood-altering, mind changing chemicals. It says in our NA literature,
We are not interested in what or how much you used or who your connections were, what you have done in the past, how much or how little you have, but only in what you want to do about your problem and how we can help. The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting, because we can only keep what we have by giving it away. We have learned from our group experience that those who keep coming to our meetings regularly stay clean.
Also we are responsible for our own actions. He is not at fault for you using, nor are you at fault for him not wanting to quit or use or whatever the case may be. We only have to keep our own side clean. No advice, hope you get the answers that you are seeking.

Love Vic
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Old 06-08-2006, 12:01 PM
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Thanks for the replies. I guess here is my issue. I would never blame him for me using, although one time in an argument, he told me that he "hoped I was addicted too".

My addiction isn't the drug, it's my boyfriend. He can't quit coke, like I can't quit him. If I walk away from him then I feel he is being abandoned. Then I feel guilty. It's my guilt issues that I work on in therapy...funny, I am not an "addict" per se, but I am in therapy 2x a week for other issues. Yet he isn't willing to get help.

How do I walk away and leave him alone to do battle with this. For some reason I like him doing battle with me....it's sad. I am addicted, addicted to this disfunction.

I keep meaning to try Naranon,but there aren't a lot of meetings. Is it okay to go to regular NA meetings as a loved one???

I just wish he realized he was an addict....
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Old 06-08-2006, 12:24 PM
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Originally Posted by TINYT
If I walk away from him then I feel he is being abandoned. Then I feel guilty.

How do I walk away and leave him alone to do battle with this. ....
My name is Vic and I am an addict, I wasn't trying to imply that you blamed him or he blames you. But I would like to share some of my story with you.

In 2001, I was so strung out on drugs, yes my wife at the time was too. We were together for 15 years. Now during that time, we would drink, smoke pot, and did coke/meth. But we knew that the meth was getting the best of us and the coke. She didn't like me drinking either cause I wasn't a real nice person drunk, not violent, but verbally yes.

Anyway during that year, I had lost my business and equipment 4 times, I would sell it and buy it back and each time I didn't get some of my equipment back. In January of 2002, I came in the house and my wife (now ex) said "if you love me and the children you will give me what is in your pocket." I proceeded to the bathroom and did a load of meth. When I came out she said "Vic you are an A$$hole. I replied "NO I am the biggest A$$hole in the world, and then she said that I left and went down stairs and did more dope." Was that ME this Vic that I am now, well yes and no. I am still the same person, but totally different clean.

So I told her that I had to leave town to get clean, I got busted in a town for a empty baggie, and of course the baggie wasn't mine. I got out of jail in a week with a plea bargen. I drove as fast as I could to get home, when I pulled up in the yard, the dog came running out, the children came running out, but no wife. When I went into the house she said Vic I don't want you here anymore. I said WTF, here I am, only two pairs of jeans, a few shirts, and a change of socks, where am I going to go. I found a place. Well eventually we did get a divorce, but today we are really close friends. We live in different states, etc, but she told me that she loved me so much that she had to let me go. She knew that as long as she was in the picture, I wouldn't have even tried anything different.

I really believe that if she would have let me in the house that I probably wouldn't even be here alive today. Sure I haven't stayed clean, but it did lead me in the right direction, and I have had a lot more clean days than using ones. So that is my experience, I am alive, I am not married or have a Significant other, but I am generally happy, and we (my ex) are close friends. She loved me enough to let me go.

Love Vic
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Old 06-08-2006, 12:30 PM
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Vic, you and I have not communicated before, but I read your posts everyday and I have to say... I love you to death and love what you just wrote in response to TINYT. Keep working your program...you are doing great.
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Old 06-08-2006, 01:13 PM
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Question Thanks Vic..

So can I ask a question. As a loved one that can either choose to do the drug with my boyfriend, or let him do it alone b/c I don't think he'll stop. What should I do if he comes home all lit up, or I hear him doing it in the bathroom??? I can't really "kick" him out, but I also don't want to get hurt if it gets abusive. It's a sticky situation....I know you can't give perfect advice, but I was just curious what some options are....what I would love to do is call the cops....UH!!!

Thanks for sharing.
T
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Old 06-08-2006, 04:04 PM
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Originally Posted by TINYT
So can I ask a question. As a loved one that can either choose to do the drug with my boyfriend, or let him do it alone b/c I don't think he'll stop. What should I do if he comes home all lit up, or I hear him doing it in the bathroom??? I can't really "kick" him out, but I also don't want to get hurt if it gets abusive. It's a sticky situation....I know you can't give perfect advice, but I was just curious what some options are....what I would love to do is call the cops....UH!!!

Thanks for sharing.
T
I am not sure who you are asking a question but this is insane

As a loved one that can either choose to do the drug with my boyfriend, or let him do it alone
That is insane thinking knowing that drugs are illegal, yep I am an addict, Yes I have relapsed, why, because I am an addict, not applying my program. However when I do apply my program, and I get into THAT sort of THINKING, I better go get some help for ME! Today I am getting help for ME, but to do drugs with someone, that isn't right. Let's say that for some reason you are doing dope with him, the cops come, are you willing to go to prison? Or even are you willing to die? You never know which line, hit, injection, snort is going to be the last one.

I can't really "kick" him out
That is not true!! That is your choice

I also don't want to get hurt if it gets abusive.


....I know you can't give perfect advice, but I was just curious what some options are
Option 1 You get high with him, then you risk Jails, institutions, or death

Option 2 Tell him to get the **** out

Option 3 Keep on doing what you are doing and you will keep getting what you are getting.

Option 4 Why would you call the cops on him, you are right there with him using or not, it is your place YOU are responsible for that

Option 5 If you like what you're getting keep doing what you're doing! If you don't like what you're getting, keep doing what you're doing and YOU will keep getting what YOU"RE getting.

Today Vic likes what he is getting, so I will keep doing what I am doing. You know if he means so much to you, and you love him unconditionally, then you would let him go. It reminds me of that saying if you love someone and let them go, and if they come back it was meant to be. I am not sure what else to tell you. I sure as hell wouldn't keep someone here that is using, that is insane. JMHO

Love vic

PS the JMHO I got from Laurie it means Just My Honest Opinion
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Old 06-08-2006, 04:32 PM
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Welcome to Sober Recovery. You have found a great site, with lots of caring compassionate people who have been where you are now, or are where you are now.

TinyT Vic just left out one thing.

The 3 C's

You didn't Cause it.

You can't Control it. and

You can't Cure it.

He is right, knowing he was using and allowing him to move in to begin with is INSANE. You can kick him out, you do not want the "illegal" drugs in your home. If he ends up homeless, that is his problem, the result of HIS Choices.

You say you are addicted to him. Naaaaaaa you are addicted to having a HIM on your arm or by your side. You can live without him, and without the insanity in your life.

We have a Friends and Family forum here at SR and a Naranon forum here also. Check them out and read all the "stickys" at the tops of the forums.

I can tell you if you let him stay, it will GET WORSE. He will somewhere down the road, maybe tomorrow, may weeks or months from now become ABUSIVE, possibly or probably both verbal and phsical. He won't help out with bills, what money he has will go for drugs. He will eventually lose his job, and then will be unable or unwilling to get another one.

You DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE THIS IN YOUR HOME. Remove the INSANITY now before it gets worse.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing. We do care immensely!!!!

JMHO

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-08-2006, 06:20 PM
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Wink

Originally Posted by laurie6781

TinyT Vic just left out one thing.

The 3 C's

You didn't Cause it.

You can't Control it. and

You can't Cure it.
Thanks Laurie I wrote those down, the 3 C's I have never heard of that. Yep that is the truth and glad that I am still teachable.

Love Vic
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Old 06-09-2006, 05:26 AM
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TINYT, I hope you can soak up some of what Vic has said to you. He is the real deal and speaks from the heart. I know that what he has contributed to this particular thread has made an impact on me. Again, thanks Vic and keep doing what you are doing. (((((VIC))))))
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Old 06-09-2006, 11:16 AM
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Unhappy Thanks everyone

WOW, I am at work and I just read all the links and to be honest, I feel like a loser. I have allowed this behavior in my home and now that I want it to change, I feel it is already in motion. It's hard enough to change ourselves and I know I can't change him. But I do care about him.

I feel as if I am in a waiting game, I wait for him to use and I wait for me to say "hell no" to it. I worry about the weekend, that is usually when he works up the idea to get some....he plants the seeds with me to see if I will bite. I need to be strong.

Unfortunately, he is on vacation next week, in my/"our" place, I am worried about him getting coked up....and doing his normal habits, which include renting hundreds of dollars of porn and calling these lame sex numbers...he's racked up thousands in the past calling these numbers. It's sad, he'll hide in teh bathroom and just call these numbers, he never talks to anyone, but he just listens and scrolls through messages for hours. It's SO unlike him in "real" life. This drug takes him to a weird sexual place....does anyone else get like that??? UH

If I tell him not to use and he does, then what. He did pay half the rent this month. It's not as easy as everyone makes it seem that I can just say "get out". I realize what I sound like. If I were reading this post from me I would be cringing. I am actively seeking therapy 2x a week and trying to get my life straightened out, but this is hard.

I just hope I can get through the weekend and I hope he can too.

Thanks for the sharing. It means a lot to me and I am trying to soak it in as much as I can.
T
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Old 06-10-2006, 04:24 PM
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Originally Posted by TINYT
I am worried about him getting coked up....and doing his normal habits, which include renting hundreds of dollars of porn and calling these lame sex numbers...he's racked up thousands in the past calling these numbers. It's sad, he'll hide in teh bathroom and just call these numbers, he never talks to anyone, but he just listens and scrolls through messages for hours. It's SO unlike him in "real" life. This drug takes him to a weird sexual place....
Wow.....

Im sorry, but, this guy sounds like the worst guy in the entire world to have around if you want, at ALL, to live an upstanding, peaceful life. Why on earth did you move him in???? You had to have known this stuff before hand.
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Old 06-10-2006, 04:30 PM
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Originally Posted by TINYT
I just hope I can get through the weekend
T
Wow, I hope your therapy can help, is there any family you can call on?
He or maybe you needs to move, sooner, rather than later.
I am sorry this just sounds really bad to me.
Please do what you need to take care of yourself and do keep reading and posting
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Old 06-10-2006, 04:35 PM
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By the way,....you absolutely can ask him to move out. I cant imagine a more justifying senario. He is putting you at risk. Risk of drug abuse and risk of major legal trouble. Is it a matter of you being afraid he will get violent if you do tell him to leave or YOU leave??
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