OctoberKayte

I'm not really sure what to do-

My husband wanted to go out tonight- usually that was fine- head on down to the bar, listen to a band, and drink w/ "the gang". I said no, I quit drinking and that would just be a bad idea.

We didn't argue, but basically, he said I am being ridiculous- that I am not an alcoholic and I just need to stay away from shots because that is when I get drunk. I ignored that, because I know inside that I am right and maybe HE is in denial about me...

I just said, why can't you just have a few beers at home? I don't care if you drink around me, I'm just not ready to fend off 50 drink offers yet. He dropped it then, but all of a sudden remembered that he had to pick up some tools from a neighbor, so I'm sure he'll have a few over there.

I HATE feeling like a bitchy wife. We have always gone out together (no separate "girls or boys nights out ") and now I am NOT happy sitting here alone on the first really nice night of the year (I'm in Wisconsin and it was actually hot and humid all day- Yay, summer!).

I am certain that my decision to quit drinking was the best one I have ever made, but I can't believe that he is telling me I'm fine! Especially after some of the fights we have had! Arghh.

Thanks for reading this-

Kayte

Anna

Hi Kayte,

Stopping drinking and beginning recovery brings about change. And, change is often hard to accept. Your husband knows that drinking is a problem for you, but he doesn't want to accept the changes that will come about now that you stopped drinking. They are changes that you are finding hard to deal with right now too. As you said, you are used to going out together and here you are home by yourself. You can try talking it over tomorrow morning when you have a little distance from this evening. Express your concerns and encourage your husband to talk about his concerns. But, by all means, stay firm in not drinking and not doing things that you are not ready to handle.

Change will happen as a result of your recovery and it will change things in every aspect of your life, including your relationship. Some of the changes will be wonderful gifts, some will be completely unexpected and some you won't want at all. But, change will come.

jackf

Hi Kayte, Of all the things that come to mind, when I read your post, the outcome is the most important thing. Your relationship is jeopardized when you drink. The fights will be worse and worse and the day will come when he will come out of denial. It may be because of some unfortunate circumstance, a DUI, a wreak, a blackout incident or two, hurtfull words and/or actions. the list could go on but the fact is that Alcoholism is a very serious condition. both physically and spiritually. It may seem that you arer having to cope with this on your own and to a great extent that's true. At some level you have this burden or cross to bear. I would suggest attending AA meetings and expressing this and the myriad of other issues that will arise in your sobriety, God Bless you Kayte, your doing the right thing girl, stand firm. Jackf

aloneagainor

Change can be extremely intimidating in a marriage, especially when a couple isn't moving in the same direction. Your husband is probably scared that this change might either come between the two of you, or he might see it as a potential threat to his drinking. I say that based on my own experience, not knowing if it applies to you or not, but it's something for you to consider. In recognizing what his concerns are you might find ways to alleviate those concerns for him as you progress in making the changes necessary for your well being.

The ascription of your being a "bitchy wife" gives pause to consider...Be very careful about catering to HIS expectations/ wants/ needs in this, so NOT to allow that to override the direction you want to go. Co-dependency will mess with your thinking and your directive, as you place what he wants above what you need, so not to upset him. But of course active addiction will eventually destroy you, and then you won't have anything to give to him anyway. So YOU do what you need to do to be well, recognize where he's coming from so to help minimize the tension, and don't sit there moping and alone. If you replace your drinking/ socializing with something else of equal interest to you, you'll have a much better, and more likely sucessful, time through this period of recovery.

Kickit

Hi Kayte
my partner came to my 1st meeting at AA (open meeting) yesterday evening and understands a bit better now. He is being really supportive but I dont think that he can truly understand how things are for me. He is gong to try AlAnon too. I feel really lucky to have him because I totally identify with what the others have said, my addiction got worse and worse and yesterday I thought that I had lost him. I will if I don't sort this out.

After the meeting and today we have talked alot, he brought up the fear of me changing, would we stay together (seems ironic when I have driven him to the edge), would I leave him behind, would I still be the same lovely person he knows now (when I'm sober). We had a good talk about feelings and fears, totally honestly for the 1st time and we are looking forward to going forward together - still scared but hopeful.

Go to AA - at least try it.