earlybird

I understand that you dont want to go alone, but, these meetings are to help you, and you alone. You wouldnt be going for anyone elses sake but your own. It is nice to have someone that goes too, so you can ride together or whatever, but ultimately you must be willing to go on your own. You cannot rely on someone elses attendance to dictate whether or not you attend. This is your recovery. If you go,...it should be for the right reasons.

FriendInNeed

your entirely correct earlybird, i think i would only need company for the first time going, purely because of my own issues about going in to groups of people i dont know. I totally agree with not rellying on someone elses attendance to dictate whether i go or not. I will be carefull not to allow that to happen, it might turn out that when i go, i might get the courage from somewhere to go on my own anyway...it will depend on how badly i want to go right?
Thanks for all the support, i really do appreciate it.

earlybird

If someone had a gun to your head, and said "Im going to kill you if you dont go"....you'd go, right? Even if it meant going alone, right? Of course. Well,...why do you think this ISNT whats happening essentially? Theres a gun to your head right now. Its called alcoholism. Its to ALL of our heads. I FINALLY "GOT" that I was going to die if I didnt quit. I had to do what that "gunman" wanted me to do. I certainly wasnt going to turn and look the gunman in the eye and say "I think Ill wait until someone is available to go WITH me".

earlybird

Im sorry, but, all of us do this,...and most of us dont even realize it, but when we are on the cusp of recovery,...wavering on that fence, we STILL try and "get away" with stuff. Still try and shoot a few moves. Im just not letting you get away with anything here. If I agreed with you and just said "Yeah,...its better to go WITH someone"......Id be doing you a disservice.

earlybird

Make no mistake. With alcoholism,...your life is on the line.

FriendInNeed

I completely understand what ur saying. However i am wondering if you remember that i am not the addict here, it is my friend. I am talking about attending Alanon meetings to help her, but due to my own issues would like to go with my friends mum or someone else that first time. If it comes to it, then yes i will go on my own i won't sit about too long waiting.

I am not wanting to "get Away" with anything and i can appreciate the direct approach, its needed sometimes. But again i will say that i am not the one trying to recover from alcoholism i am just trying to help and encourage a very good friend of mine. Thanks again for taking the time to give me advice.

FriendInNeed

Hiya Shade, thanks for the advice, i think i will be giving them a phone during the week. Ive got transport sorted out so am desperate to get to one of these Alanon meetings. Beats sitting here worrying if i am doing the right thing or not all the time. My friends still in hospital, dont know when she is getting out yet. I'm trying to catch up with my home studies but its pointless because i cant concentrate!

.

Thank you for this, however i dont feel like a very good friend sitting her doing nothing for her, i know its not down to me etc etc but i just feel useless. I feel like i am in mourning for her, ive lost my best friend, she is no longer with me she is completely different and i find that hard to recover from. It probably sounds overly dramatic but to me it feels as bad as if she had died. I just wish i could do more for her, she has done so much for me in the past years i feel like i am letting her down now. She's going through a living hell and all i can do is feed her cat!
Thank you for all the support i really do appreciate it.

aloneagainor

Friend,
A little over a year ago, when I first told my husband about the fact I'd been secretly using hallucinogens throughout our marriage, he felt understandably hurt and betrayed and helpless (angry, frustrated, sad, disappointed, etc.) Though he long knew something was awry, he had been oblivious to the specifics, we opted for avoidance. He couldn't understand how I could be so deceptive. I sincerely regretted being that way, and expressed my intent to stop the deception, instead progress into honesty, openness, attempt to rebuild the shattered trust between us. Sounds like a good plan right?

The relationship started to change, as the reality of the situation became increasingly evident. Contrary to the direction I thought things would go, the more was revealed, the farther apart we became. Because his illusions about me were being destroyed. The truth was so unbecoming to him, it so fundamentally altered the way he perceived me, wanted to think of me, and his ego took such a blow, that rather than accept the reality of what happened, he chose instead to hang on to his preferred image. He left me a note one morning that read, "I am in mouring for my wife. I've lost my best friend. I feel so betrayed." That's a direct quote, Friend. I'll never forget those words. Our marriage disintegrated.

Allow your friend to be honest with you. Give her time, be patient, be understanding. Because she is changing, and if she recovers she will not be the same person you knew before. You may choose to retain your preferred image of her, but that person will not exist in reality. You'll be befriending a ghost. Or, you can choose to accept the changes as they occur, recognize her for who she is in reality. It's true for addicts as it is for everyone, that we ALL need to learn to accept life on its own terms. Retaining our preferred illusions only bring us pain. False illusions deceive and destroy. She needs to go through whatever she's going through to recover. You'll only be "letting her down" if you don't allow her to change.

Keep an open mind. And keep feeding her cat.

FriendInNeed

Thanks aloneagainor, I think i see what ur saying....and i'm so sorry your husband couldnt accept you changing. That must have been a very difficult thing to deal with if not bad enough having to come through an addiction but having someone walk out on you because you had shattered HIS image of you.
I'm lucky with my friend in the sense that i knew her before she was drinking and became addicted. But over the past 2/3 years she has slowly changed in to the person i know now, the addicted person. Ive only really realised how different things have been for us in the last year. I dont know what took me so long to notice. Sticking my head in the sand/avoidance who knows....a big part of it was i think that i could see where it could/would go when she first started but there was nothing in my powers to stop or control what she was doing. She knew better and lived for along time in the illusion she was in control and she was entitled to something for HER. All i could do at the time was hope she wasnt going to go down that road I'd already seen before in a friend when i was a teenager. She did go down that road.

I hope she comes out the other side of this, and i am trying to come to terms with the fact she will be a different person to the one she was even before she started drinking. She will have to learn other ways to cope, and i hope she lets me stay by her side to walk with her. I just hope that we get on as friends when she becomes the person she is going to be when she is in recovery.

Thank you aloneagainor for bringing this to my attention, i will make sure i try my best to allow her to be as honest, show patience and understanding as best i can from the position of a non-alcoholic friend.
I just hope i can do my best by her.

FriendInNeed

Thanks for the great advice! Hopefully when i get to these Alanon meetings i will finally fully understand what it is that makes me a co-dependant with regards to my friend.

SweetNuff I'm glad your fighting your way back from relapse, it was really good to hear from you and i'm glad u took the time to give me advice. I need all the help/advice i can get. Thanks again and keep up the great work.

earlybird

Well,...if you are, indeed, close to your friend,...then you HAVE gotten just as sick as her. Attending Alanon wouldnt help your friend at all. Its for YOU. Alanon and AA meetings are seperate from eachother. You will get nothing out of Alanon if you arent going there for yourself.

On the other issue,...yes,..going WITH your friends Mother is an outstanding idea. I didnt realize thats what you meant. Yes,...do that. But,...I do suggest you go even if her mother doesnt. Good luck.

FriendInNeed

I'm sorry i seem to be getting it wrong all the time. I'm new to this in the sense of trying to get help and advice however i do understand i am here surrounded by people that know alot more about it all than i do so i am sorry if i come across as nieve and ignorant. I'm probably making things worse for my friend. It may not seem like it but i truely am trying my best to help my friend.

Today has been really difficult, why i dont know. It'll be a week tomorrow (monday) that my friend went in to hospital. Maybe i'm just adjusting to her not being next door. I'm just feel really down. It seems to be getting a bit of a habit. Keep saying to myself " pull yourself together, get a grip for goodness sake" but its not working.

aloneagainor

Friend,
Letting someone know you care about them is never wrong. Caring for them is enabling and that does create, or perpetuate, problems. That's what we're cautioning you about. It does still appear that you're taking on some sense guilt for her choices, as if you could have done something to prevent the addiction. But you know it was her choice. Even as you could see it coming, there was nothing you could do but point out to her a straighter path. I had a very good friendship with someone before I'd ever used any drug. He watched as I experimented, cautioning me about the direction I was going, and tried to stop me, but there was no talking to me. Despite all warnings, I chose to pursue my interest unabated.

Yes, this is right on, Friend!

She will be a changed person, ideally a BETTER person than before, and, well, we're all always changing you know. Those who can adjust and accept the changes survive, that which cannot withers and falls away.

And to clarify, I've not "come through an addiction", I'm still very much dealing with it, which is why I'm here. It's going to be a long term change process for your friend too. I think people expect an addict to be "cured" after going through treatment/ rehab, but it's an ongoing condition that's part of the person they'll always have to be conscientious of. Which, I'm finding, can provide very positive returns...being aware of oneself and how one affects others. That's hopeful positive change. You know it's important for everyone, throughout our lives, to look at ourselves and strive to better. So remember to take care of YOURSELF now. Talking to yourself is keeping you trapped inside your own head. Get out, and stop beating yourself up! AlAnon sounds like an ideal place to start. (as an aside, the lower case "i" in reference to yourself belittles you. You don't refer to anyone else's name in the lower case, treat yourself with the same respect )

earlybird

And this is EXACTLY what Alanon will help you with. Thats exactly what its for!!! Hope you make it there!!

FriendInNeed

This is what i try to keep reminding myself and my friends mum, and my friend who i think thought after the last time she was in the hospital that once she had a week or so off drink that she was better...hence she tried to go back to drinking a couple of cans one night...then again a few nights later, thinking she could do it only a few times and survive. She is now learning (and us) that she can't do that and not spiral down back to being a complete mess, physically and mentally. However i fear she has this harbouring feeling that she can still control it. That she is different to everyone else with this disease. I hope through time she comes to realise that she isnt any different, and that the disease is controlling us all at the moment not just her.

She told her mum at the weekend that she is finding the decision to go in to full re-hab difficult....then she should try being in her kids/parents/friends shoes for a day. I think i am starting to feel angry with her to a certain degree but then i feel guilty for feeling angry.

I'm going to go phone Alanon to find out where and when the meetings are....

Thanks everyone for ur continuing support.
xxMexxx

Anna

It's normal to feel angry at this point because you are beginning to see things more clearly and to see that your friend may not be open to doing whatever is necessary to get better. I hope she will accept what she needs to do, but that is out of your control.

And, speaking of control, I think all of us addicts have believed that we were the exception and could control the drinking. I tried for years to control it and it never worked.

I'm glad you are taking steps to take care of yourself.

FriendInNeed

Thanks Anna, i think if my friend realises she cant control her drinking..and understands she will never be able to drink 'normaly' as she calls it, that will be a major step in her recovery i think.
I am the only friend she has that doesnt drink, all her other friends spend at least 2 days a week drunk. Maybe thats why at this point in her life all her other friends seem to have disappeared. I just hope that when/if she recovers they dont appear back out of the woodwork at least till she is strong enough to tell them to back off!!

Phoned Alanon to find out meetings.....and women on phone launched in to telling me a whole load of stuff about my friends drinking not being my fault etc etc, i didnt catch most of it i was too busy in shock as i didnt expect it. She did however give me a whole lot of times and places off meetings...i had to write them down really quickly so i hope i can re-read my own version of shorthand :o)
I maybe cant do much for my friend today but I am taking her kids shopping along with my own two tonight so perhaps we can all forget about things for a little while together!
xxMexx