earlybird

Lately Im feeling like Im never going to find someone. I know that they say it will happen when its supposed to happen. I do believe that. Im just lonely. I did the "no relationship the first year" thing. That was a good excuse to remain shy. Well,...now its been two years and a couple months............ghost town.

Theres tumbleweed blowin' thru Intimate Square. I would really like to meet someone. Any ideas? Ive joined the gym, I go to libraries, grocery stores, meetings, and Im taking an art class. Now,...Im not doing these things to cruise for chicks,......Im geniune in my motives. I just figured I would have met someone at these places by now, perhaps.............(sigh).....ghost town.

No cowgirls on my countryside,....plenty of 'horny'-toads, though.

Anna

Gee EB, it sounds like you're doing exactly what you should be. You're pursuing your interests and hoping that someone interesting will come along. The only other thing I could suggest is volunteering. It's a great way to give back to your community and a great way to meet people.

Just curious EB - are you dating women that you don't end up wanting to be in a relationship with, or just not really dating at all?

I'm sure it's hard to be patient, but when the time is right, the lovely lady will appear.

earlybird

What part of ghost town did you not understand......lol

Jus' kiddin'...........I havent dated a soul since Ive been sober. Alot of it is me. I know that. I discovered that Im actually quite shy. Dont know how to change that just yet.

Luckyv2

OMG early bird, that is me. I am a lot more vocal when high, and then when I get clean even after my one year that I did have, it was hard for me to ask someone out. Although the girls just seem to like me, I am kinda a flirt, but yet when it comes right down to it, I back off. Maybe it is some insecurities within me I don't know. But, I have always heard, and it is basically true, that the time that you're not looking for someone, then someone will come into your life. I know that you have one hell of a program EB, at least that is my perception. so just want to let you know that I admire you and all of your hard work.

Vic

Anna

Well, you know EB, the first time you take the step and ask someone out will be the hardest. Isn't the first step always the hardest? But, then after that, it'll get easier and easier. If you have someone in mind, you can always suggest going for coffee, very casual. Omigod, I don't know why I'm even trying to give you advice on this one, I've been married forever.

But, I do know, like Vic said, when you're not looking someone will come alone.

lulu70

I feel for ya, Earlybird. I'm at about the same point in sobriety you are and am experiencing the same thing. The thing with me, though, is that I am not doing all the things you are doing to put myself out there. As a matter of fact, my home group is a women's group, I work with children in a building where the only guy is a seventeen year old volunteer, and otherwise I am a total homebody and spend all my time with my ten-year-old daughter. Do you think I might have some issues with fear of rejection? LOL. Seriously, though.... I know that when I am ready I will be able to put myself out there more. I think I just have a lot more personal/emotional growth to go through.

I don't know if any of that helped, but at least you know you are not alone!! Hang in there.

Irish Virus

I would hope you are genuine in your motives going to a grocery store. I would hate to think you were some creep hanging out in the produce section for hours on end looking to score.

What exactly are your requirements for a woman at this point in time if you don't mind me asking? Specifically, would you go out with a woman if she drank? I'm not talking about some bar room queen but rather a girl who likes to enjoy an occasional drink now and then. If drinking is a factor in your criteria, it definitely limits which ponds you can fish in.

ru4outoo

I work at the grocery store in produce haha just kidding there, I am in the same boat in a way. But Its to early in my sobriety for me to start dating again. I know the lonlyness stinks and the boredom home alone stinks too. You will meet the right one when the time is right.

Seriously I do work at a grocery store in the produce department.

conscious78

earlybird, you seem to be doing very well. You've found new hobbies and things to do...and you've stayed sober for two years. Finding a mate is hard for everyone--even sober folks. I have always worked out at the gym, even as an active alcoholic--it's a part of my life (unfortunately, so has been drinking). I'm trying to find some other hobbies...something new. I did some stained glass, started drawing pictures, etc. In terms of finding someone, many folks who have been sober their whole lives don't even have that answer. But you're on the right tract for sure. The more you get out there the better your chances. Good luck!

2dayzmuse

I can relate earlybird. I'm coming up on two years and dated only one person briefly during that time. Sober dating was quite different compared to my drunken dating days. I'm glad to report that it is quite doable. I wasn't to sure how it would be. My thoughts are, when the right person comes around, I will know. I'm in no hurry. In fact, I'm a bit gun shy because I seem to get tangled up with the wrong type. My radar has been tuned a little finer these days. I so think we should introduce our tumbleweeds to one another. They would make a fine couple. Maybe they could get together for coffee some time. Oh, maybe that didn't come out right. I didn't mean to imply anything naughty. My friends are always trying to fix me up and it just isn't something I'm interested in. I never have had much luck with the blind date thing. Anyways...the right person will come along when you least expect it.

leviathon

Hiya EarlBird,

I can relate to that feeling of being lonely. I deal with it from time to time. Most days it isn't even there. If and when I meet that special someone great, if not, that's okay too.

I know that the only really healthy relationship I had I started when I was sober. The remainder of my relationships have been fiery, confused and of generally short duration. She was also the only one that I have had a relationship with that didn't fall into the "damaged" category. Go figure.

keep your thoughts positive and the universe will guide you towards where you need to be.

Levi.

Midas

Man, EB. I hear ya. I've been wandering the dating wasteland for years. I used to date, but ever since I fell outta that 80' palm tree, I sorta developed a speech impediment. Now I just go out on figs. They're much softer.

I haven't been on a date in 10 years. Just slightly out of circulation. LoL. Sober for 3.5 years now. I grocery shop leisurely, too. There is no prospective dating material to be found--contrary to popular (often wrong) belief. I've tried changing stores, switching from canned goods to fresh produce, alternating the times I go, sometimes swearing it off entirely, but I always go back expecting the same results.

O the insanity!!!

Good Luck to you.

Steve58

I'm sure you have thought of it, but just in case, Online dating CAN work, if you approach it the right way, that is slow and cautious.

I met my wonderful wife that way, first as a friend and pen-pal, it was 6 mo before we had our first f2f, so slow is an understatement. But it was for the best, worth the wait.

Someday, ya'll can read about it in my new book, but I cannot publish that till many of the characters pass on, so it may be a few years...lol

I wish you all of the Love and Happiness that you deserve. I was blessed with a second chance, I hope it happens for each and every one of you.

S

BSPGirl

Only you decide whether it's too early in sobriety or whatever to start dating, for starters. It's merely a guideline, general statement that after a yr of sober/clean time you can make the best decisions but it shouldn't hold anyone from dating earlier or later on or whatever. just my honest opinion. Other than that, there are a lot of ways to 'date' or just get friends, internet, penpalls, going to the gym, whatever works, lol.

aloneagainor

Looking at this from the other side, you're now in a position where you are free and your options are wide open to explore the possibilities...patiently. My friends and I are now at or approaching 40, most never married, the few that did ended in divorce, and most are now living alone....by choice. Didn't realize it was by choice until quite recently when we all started really LOOKING at where we're at (and going), the choices we've made, and who truly are the closest, most enduring and loving people in our lives. Amazing how much genuine love (not the fake co-dependent clingy needy demanding type...but rather REAL love) is inherent in deep friendships. I believe that quality of a relationship evolves naturally, but first must begin as friendship. Getting to know people is a slow process, and the journey is an amazing trip. Since you reportedly live in womanless barren wasteland of sorts, don't write off written word as means to get to know someone. It can be quite fascinating and beautiful, when the physical is extracted from the "love" equation, what you find in people, and what they see in you.

c'est la vie

Very interesting point. Those darn hormones just stay out of the picture so each person can see and think clearly for a while.
Although there is also the risk of someone pretending to be something they're not. Obviously a 6 month "trial period" like Steve was talking about sounds OK and then the f2f will prove whether the flesh and blood match the type written.

Maybe you haven't altered your "dream girl" to match your newfound sobriety and serenity. Perhaps you still have your eyes set on a cute party girl and that's a problem.

CarolD

:kidding: Any of you all ever try what I call "AA Dating”?

My 1st home group in D.C. was chock full of single/divorced
members...

We often had hikes ..bike rides..dances...nature walks

Some of us...like me!...were not into sweating
so we went for eating out...movies...museums...art shows.

That way you could get to know each other in a non pressured way.

I certainly had a grand time.

How to start?
At the end of a meeting ask 3/4 members to
go for coffee.
Next time add a few more.
Soon you can have a base for branching out...

earlybird

Thanks everybody!! I appreciate the advice and pep talks! Now,....I need to get some "groceries".

daddysgirl29

Keep the faith, EB. I think Carol has a good idea about getting to know peeps in AA - just be sure none of the women are too fresh in the program, ya know? When I first started going, most of the guys freaked me out b/c they came on too strong. They tried to act like they only wanted coffee, but still - a woman's intuition told me differently. It's not good to date too soon after sobriety anyways (for them - not you, since you're 2 years sober - CONGRATS AGAIN, btw.) You know what I mean. Slow and steady. Something tells me you'll be just fine.

Sugah

The great paradox for me was that by the time I didn't need a relationship, I finally became ready to have one.

Good luck in the produce section. Chicks dig guys who sniff the cantaloupe and knock on the watermelon. It looks like they know what they're doing there.

Oh, that was so sexist. I hope the spirit of Betty Friedan will forgive me!



Peace & Love,
Sugah