Help with difficult conversation
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Posts: 2
Help with difficult conversation
Obviously I'm new here and currently rather frustrated. I have called rehab centers that won't talk to me because I don't want to imminently check someone into their facilities. The numbers I have gotten from some gov't referral line range from constantly busy to disconnected to totally unhelpful. I am hoping what looks like a very generous group of people will help me out a bit.
I'll start with a little background on the situation. Approximately two weeks ago, a friend announced that he was getting engaged. This should be a joyful event. It was anything but that for myself, our shared friends and many members of his family. He got engaged on the day his divorce from his second ex-wife was finalized to a woman who was still living in a residential drug treatment facility. They are now living together and she would like to be married before the end of this year. She is continuing with her recovery by seeing either a psychologist or as part of a group, I'm not sure, but I know she is doing things that make it look like she is taking her treatment seriously.
Tomorrow, myself, his brother and a few other friends are going to have a private lunch with the two of them. They are both aware of the topics we would like to discuss and have had a week to consider them and the event itself.
So, that leads to my questions:
During a recovery program is there generally any time dedicated to the subject of the next adult relationship? If you are not in one you should/should not because x, y, and z? Is there any sort of timeline? By any standard this is a brief courtship. Is she showing signs of doing the right thing, but maybe rushing or is she showing signs of doing the wrong thing?
I am told that she is comfortable talking about her problems and, in fact, in a recovery program people are well prepared to do exactly this sort of "uncomfortable" thing. Is that accurate?
I may be phrasing this last one badly, if so, please forgive me. This will be his third marriage (her first), she fits a pattern and is not disimilar from #1 and #2 (but they were not recovering addicts), fast and brief engagements are a pattern. If this were framed as something of an intervention for him does her recent (so far successful) treatment play into our hands or not?
I'll start with a little background on the situation. Approximately two weeks ago, a friend announced that he was getting engaged. This should be a joyful event. It was anything but that for myself, our shared friends and many members of his family. He got engaged on the day his divorce from his second ex-wife was finalized to a woman who was still living in a residential drug treatment facility. They are now living together and she would like to be married before the end of this year. She is continuing with her recovery by seeing either a psychologist or as part of a group, I'm not sure, but I know she is doing things that make it look like she is taking her treatment seriously.
Tomorrow, myself, his brother and a few other friends are going to have a private lunch with the two of them. They are both aware of the topics we would like to discuss and have had a week to consider them and the event itself.
So, that leads to my questions:
During a recovery program is there generally any time dedicated to the subject of the next adult relationship? If you are not in one you should/should not because x, y, and z? Is there any sort of timeline? By any standard this is a brief courtship. Is she showing signs of doing the right thing, but maybe rushing or is she showing signs of doing the wrong thing?
I am told that she is comfortable talking about her problems and, in fact, in a recovery program people are well prepared to do exactly this sort of "uncomfortable" thing. Is that accurate?
I may be phrasing this last one badly, if so, please forgive me. This will be his third marriage (her first), she fits a pattern and is not disimilar from #1 and #2 (but they were not recovering addicts), fast and brief engagements are a pattern. If this were framed as something of an intervention for him does her recent (so far successful) treatment play into our hands or not?
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Welcome and I'm glad you found us.
I'm an alcoholic and have been sober for 5 1/2 yrs. I am NOT comfortable discussing my recovery with anyone, which is why I have been here at SR for a long time. Some people may be very open to discussing these issues, but not all.
My understanding is that want to do an intervention on him in order to stop this engagement. As far as the relationship, in my opinion, it's not generally a good idea to make a big change like that when you are early in recovery. That's because it usually takes a great deal of energy to try to deal with the issues you're facing in life and making the changes you need to make in order to live a healthy life.
I think it probably is a good idea to let your friend know of your concerns with the relationship. As far as anything beyond that - you have to accept that he may be not at all open to your advice and it could destroy the relationship. It's a risky situation.
I'm an alcoholic and have been sober for 5 1/2 yrs. I am NOT comfortable discussing my recovery with anyone, which is why I have been here at SR for a long time. Some people may be very open to discussing these issues, but not all.
My understanding is that want to do an intervention on him in order to stop this engagement. As far as the relationship, in my opinion, it's not generally a good idea to make a big change like that when you are early in recovery. That's because it usually takes a great deal of energy to try to deal with the issues you're facing in life and making the changes you need to make in order to live a healthy life.
I think it probably is a good idea to let your friend know of your concerns with the relationship. As far as anything beyond that - you have to accept that he may be not at all open to your advice and it could destroy the relationship. It's a risky situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Posts: 2
Thanks for your reply, ANNA.
The goal of an intervention style is not to get him to call off the engagement in some sort of a dramatic moment. It isn't something he would do and isn't something we hope to accomplish. Slow the engagement, that is another matter entirely, but I digress. Let me try it another way. Intervention is probably the wrong word, but I'm going to continue to use it (incorrectly) and redefine it narrowly for this thread. Rather than a goal of sessasion of behavior, like in the case of interventions with alcoholics, the goal of this intervention is to get him to finally listen to us and recognize that we have been correct when talking about both of his previous marriages and that we are doing this because we care.
As I said, we are not looking to get the engagement called off. We want to get both of them, but especially him, to agree to ideas that, if successfully met, will increase the chance that a successful marriage. If not, hopefully enough time passes that one or both realize this isn't the person for me and they go there separate ways.
Back to it, sorry for drifting....
This woman has obvoiously had a lot of "intervention" in her life recently. From what I can tell she is successfully navigating a rather rocky course. She seems truly happy to be off drugs and alcohol and on some levels doing all the right things, maybe not all, but she is pointed more in the right direction than the wrong. It strikes me that someone who was using up until rather recently and is now clean might look favorably on the approach that got her from using to clean, that was the catalyst. Does someone in her position look at the day when her friends and family intervened as a good day? Is there any sort of building block/connection that we could work with?
The goal of an intervention style is not to get him to call off the engagement in some sort of a dramatic moment. It isn't something he would do and isn't something we hope to accomplish. Slow the engagement, that is another matter entirely, but I digress. Let me try it another way. Intervention is probably the wrong word, but I'm going to continue to use it (incorrectly) and redefine it narrowly for this thread. Rather than a goal of sessasion of behavior, like in the case of interventions with alcoholics, the goal of this intervention is to get him to finally listen to us and recognize that we have been correct when talking about both of his previous marriages and that we are doing this because we care.
As I said, we are not looking to get the engagement called off. We want to get both of them, but especially him, to agree to ideas that, if successfully met, will increase the chance that a successful marriage. If not, hopefully enough time passes that one or both realize this isn't the person for me and they go there separate ways.
Back to it, sorry for drifting....
This woman has obvoiously had a lot of "intervention" in her life recently. From what I can tell she is successfully navigating a rather rocky course. She seems truly happy to be off drugs and alcohol and on some levels doing all the right things, maybe not all, but she is pointed more in the right direction than the wrong. It strikes me that someone who was using up until rather recently and is now clean might look favorably on the approach that got her from using to clean, that was the catalyst. Does someone in her position look at the day when her friends and family intervened as a good day? Is there any sort of building block/connection that we could work with?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Well, it sounds like you know she had an intervention. If that is the case and she is now doing well, she may very well see the benefits of the intervention. However, I do not know how long she has been clean/sober. If it is very recent, she may not have sorted out her feelings about the intervention. She may though, appreciate that you are talking to your friend in an honest and loving way. Maybe that's what you mean.
I think your idea of making your friend listen, given that you know him well and care about him a lot, is a good idea. I'm not sure you should have expectations about the outcome. My feeling would be that you deserve to be really listened to, but where it goes from there would be up to your friend.
I think your idea of making your friend listen, given that you know him well and care about him a lot, is a good idea. I'm not sure you should have expectations about the outcome. My feeling would be that you deserve to be really listened to, but where it goes from there would be up to your friend.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Livonia, MI
Posts: 675
They say, wait ATLEAST one year. Get one year of sobriety under your belt, then start thinking relationship if you feel ready. Obviously thats not set in stone, but, I find that to be wise advice. How can someone who is in early recovery be mature enough to handle a committed relationship? Not to mention the attention a relationship demands? Your attention MUST be on sobriety in the critical early stages. We OWE that to ourselves. You have to be right with yourself before you can be good for anyone else.
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
I understand your concerns and it seems your friend may be heading into dangerous territory. However, people will do what they will do when it comes to affairs of the heart. Hindsight is 20/20, but until you reach that point, love is blind, or what he thinks love is at the moment. My feelings are that it is to soon to talk marriage for someone who is early in recovery. Good luck to you and your friend. He may listen, or he may not. It sounds as if he is addicted to love, but who am I to say?
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