igfan

I'm really starting to get a huge resentment towards my sponsor and i'm not sure if i'm just being irrational or do i truly have a gripe? Maybe she's not the right sponsor for me, i don't know. I like her, i trust her, she's got good sobriety, but i feel like i'm competing for her attention. She doesn't make me call her daily because she knows i'm uncomfortable calling people so we email daily. She doesn't want to meet with me like i see other sponsors/sponsees doing, we cross paths at a couple meetings each week, but she doesn't set time aside for me. I'm sure it's probably just my irrational thinking, everything is not about me, i have to keep telling myself that, but i want people to want to want to talk to me. I feel like i need constant reassurance that people like me, and the way i feel that is if people call me just to talk, if they send me a personal email (not one of those meaningless chain emails), if they just drop me a note telling me they're thinking of me. I'm just rambling, but i really feel like backing away from my sponsor because i don't feel like she's into this sponsorship thing the way i expected, hell....i don't even know if she likes me at least a little bit. I know, i'm just being a baby, but i have a huge fear of rejection, that's where the constant reassurance comes in. Oh well, any feedback is helpful, you people don't know me so it's easier for you to tell me whether i'm being childish or not.
Thanks,
Cheryl

c'est la vie

omg that describes me to a "T". I certainly hope it doesn't mean I'm being childish. It's just part of what contributes to my craziness.

I hope you get some good responses.

daddysgirl29

You're not being childish at all, hon! have you talked to her about this? Maybe when you said you didn't feel comfy calling, she took it as you wanted someone very hands-off(?) Does she have other sponsee's? How is she towards them? If you need reassurance (and who doesn't in the beginning?) it would probably help to know if you're on the right path or not.

Talk to her (or write an email) and see what happens. If she doens't have time for you, then you have every right to find someone who does!

Good luck!!

requiredfield

Have you asked her to meet you? And she declined? Or you just see other sponsors doing it with their sponsees and are wondering why she hasn't offered that to you?

I'm curious how long you've been with this sponsor? Are you brand new to the program? Is this your first sponsor?

igfan

Once.....i asked her once if we could hook up before a meeting and the time was not good for her, but other than that.....no, i haven't requested anything and i know that's MY problem. I just feel like she knows the program better than me, so she should be telling me what to do. She is my first sponsor and we've been together 2 months (i feel like i'm talking about dating, lol). I guess i just have high expectations that no one could possibly live up to.

Sugah

Something I was told and something I pass on is, "I'm not your mother." I wasn't told, nor do I tell anyone, that "you must do this" or "you can't do that." You're right. It is your program. I'm not comfortable, nor do I think it's my place, to chase anyone, and I would go out of my mind if someone chased me.

And, though I think you may have been speaking in jest in your last line, we are known to have unreasonable expectations of others, though our minds tell us they're not so unreasonable. One trait not common among alcoholics/addicts is mind-reading. We often think we can read minds...but then, that's another form of expectation!!

My suggestion? Talk openly with your sponsor, as you've talked with us. If I were a gambling woman, I'd bet against her ability to know what's on your mind if you haven't already expressly told her. And, the next suggestion is to listen to her response with an open mind. As kids, we often compare our own families with other, "luckier" kids' families. We think that's exactly what we want. Your sponsor may have a compromise that's between being constantly up your...um, by your side and no one on one contact at all. Very few sponsors have a one-size-fits-all style (and some do!), so you need to tell her what you need. If she can meet your needs, you're set. If she can't, then it may be time to look around for a new sponsor.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Chy

I agree with Sugah. Talk to her. But one thing I would discuss is your expectations. Honestly, I think she does good by you in the time she does give. Maybe you want to go over with her again her role as a sponsor so you'll know what to expect. ...but in a nutshell they're there to take you through the steps, that's it. Not to babysit, check on you, make you do this or that. I know what it's like to be a people pleaser, am one myself but when it comes to the program and sponsor the only person I am concerned with pleasing is myself..... that's what my sponsor told me. ... I think your expecting more then what really needs to be given perhaps. Trust yourself.

laurie6781

A sponsor's job is to be a GUIDE thru the 164 pages of the Big Book of AA, and to teach you how to apply it in your own life, They do this by sharing their own Experience, Strength and Hope. They are not there to tell us how to do something. They are not there to get us a job, or housing or lend money. Nor is a sponsor a mind reader.

If they have not experienced something we are going through, IMO a good sponsor will suggest we talk to "so and so" who has.

I too believe you need to look at what your expectations are of a sponsor. Make a list of those expectations, and then discuss them with your sponsor.

I had my sponsor and her sponsor until they passed. My sponsor for the first 17 1/2 years of my sobriety and my grand sponsor for another 2 1/2 years. Since that time, I have a dear friend with over 33 years of walking the way she talks and I have almost 25 now, so..........we use each other.

Is a sponsor important? I believe a sponsor can be very important to the newbie and those in their first several years of sobriety. Left to our own devices in those early years of recovery we can get outselves into some really bad corners. A sponsor has the "unique" gift of being able to gentley steer us away from those "corners."

As you have stated above how you feel, and obviously your sponsor CANNOT and SHOULD NOT fulfill all those expectations, she is not a 'mommy' or a 'therapist' it might be time to also get some individual therapy going. Every little bit helps us in our recovery.

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),
__________________

laurie l

God Bless You All As You Trudge The Road
Of Happy Destiny (especially when you trudgin
thru alligators up to your butt)

earlybird

Well,...the way I see it,...whatever the situation, it seems to me that you arent getting what you need from this sponsor/sponsee relationship. She may very well be a great person. Myabe YOU just need a different type of sponsor. Nobodys fault, really.

Justme57

Hi Ig, Lauries advice is spot on. Your Sponsor is not a mind reader. You need to discuss your expectations and feelings with her. You say you have only asked her to meet with you once, and that it was a bad time for her, i suggest that you ask again

The programme only works if you work it, and that includes picking up the phone, and ringing her , taking action!!!!!


take care

HUGX
Lee

igfan

I don't know what my problem was yesterday, i was very emotional, crying at the littlest things. I just don't feel "right" and i think that may have something to do with my emotional state. Anyway, i did email my sponsor and told her a little bit of how i felt, not really so much that i'm not getting enough attention, but some other things that have been bothering me. I figured i'd wait until i was more emotionally "stable" before i bring that subject up, cause i don't want to break down bawling when she tells me what you guys have basically already told me even though i know everyone is right. I do know that i have definitely made progress because in the past a day like yesterday would have sent me off the deep end. I would have gone home, headed straight for the bottle, bit everyones head off that got near me and proceeded to shut myself off and get drunk. Instead, i went to the meeting that i didn't want to go to, went home, told my husband that i was "emotional" and just hugged him and cried a few tears. After that, i felt much better, got a better perspective on things, wrote in my journal and was fine.

I think i've just got so much going on right now, a lot of changing going on the inside, maybe it's a little overwhelming. I've got 2 more weeks left of my IOP program and then my counselor has suggested i seek a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavior Therapy because i definitely have self esteem issues that keep kicking my ass.

Anyways, thanks everyone for your advice, it really did help (even though it's not what i wanted to hear, but what i needed to hear).

Thanks!
Cheryl

c'est la vie

My self esteem issues sound similar to yours. What's cognitive begaviour therapy? I think I might need it, but I'm way to afraid to talk to someone about my feelings. I've seen therapists briefly in the past and they each told me I was fine and that what I'm experiencing is called "Life". Too bad I didn't nip this "life" in the bud 20 years ago!

igfan

http://www.cognitivetherapy.com/basicsPrint.html
Cognitive behavior therapy is a clinically and research proven breakthrough in mental health care. Hundreds of studies by research psychologists and psychiatrists make it clear why CBT has become the preferred treatment for conditions such as these . . .

• Depression and mood swings<LI class=top-6px>Shyness and social anxiety <LI class=top-6px>Panic attacks and phobias <LI class=top-6px>Obsessions and compulsions (OCD and related conditions) <LI class=top-6px>Chronic anxiety or worry <LI class=top-6px>Post-traumatic stress symptoms (PTSD and related conditions) <LI class=top-6px>Eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia) and obesity <LI class=top-6px>Insomnia and other sleep problems <LI class=top-6px>Difficulty establishing or staying in relationships <LI class=top-6px>Problems with marriage or other relationships you're already in <LI class=top-6px>Job, career or school difficulties <LI class=top-6px>Feeling “stressed out” <LI class=top-6px>Insufficient self-esteem (accepting or respecting yourself) <LI class=top-6px>Inadequate coping skills, or ill-chosen methods of coping <LI class=top-6px>Passivity, procrastination and “passive aggression” <LI class=top-6px>Substance abuse, co-dependency and “enabling” <LI class=top-6px>Trouble keeping feelings such as anger, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, eagerness, excitement, etc., within bounds
• Over-inhibition of feelings or expression

Just what is CBT? How does it work?

Cognitive behavior therapy* combines two very effective kinds of psychotherapy — cognitive therapy and behavior therapy.

Behavior therapy helps you weaken the connections between troublesome situations and your habitual reactions to them. Reactions such as fear, depression or rage, and self-defeating or self-damaging behavior. It also teaches you how to calm your mind and body, so you can feel better, think more clearly, and make better decisions.

Cognitive therapy teaches you how certain thinking patterns are causing your symptoms — by giving you a distorted picture of what's going on in your life, and making you feel anxious, depressed or angry for no good reason, or provoking you into ill-chosen actions.

When combined into CBT, behavior therapy and cognitive therapy provide you with very powerful tools for stopping your symptoms and getting your life on a more satisfying track.

Hope that helps W/L!

BSPGirl

CBT might be helpful for ya, igfan, you can apply this to your addiction behavior too. SMART Recovery and Rational Recovery do for example.

c'est la vie

Thanks for that Igfan.

markofevil

Remember that when we get sober we have to learn how to handle our emotions all over again. We no longer medicate ourselves with alcohol. We're raw to the world.

I don't see why anyone needs to talk to a sponsor daily unless the sponsor asks for it. For me, my sponsor is there if I feel like drinking or am having a rough moment. That's when I call. Otherwise, we meet haphazardly to work the steps, when both he and I have time. I do see him at meetings several times a week too.

Anna

Hi Igfan,

I find that when there is lot going on internally/emotionally and it feels a bit overwhelming, that it's usually a time when a breakthrough of some kind is about to occur and things will settle down.

Hang in there!