Change4life

I dont know where these came from, or who wrote them, but they made me think a little.
1) "I understand that we are at our most self centered state when we are depressed. Nothing can sap our strength and health as prolonged depression. All healing comes from within. My body in a sort of self fullfilling prophecy "woe is me" gets translated in the body as I am sick.

2) Whenever I make a choice, I need to ask 2 questions: "what are the consequences of this choice that I am making."
Will this choicce bring fullfillment and happiness to myself and also those affected around me?

GeorgiaPeach

I like this. I am sinking into a depression but I am trying to pull myself out of it because I don't like being that way. My husband is addicted to methadone and is tapering off but it has been going on for 3-4 years. I can't help but be mad at him because of all of the money and mood swings and all of the fights that were not necessary and disappointed in myself for not knowing what was going on. I will get better and so will you. We just have to hang in there. I think that you should buy yourself a nice outfit to preform in this weekend. Even if you have to go to a consignment shop or something to save $$ and go for a nice dinner the night before or even a buffett for breakfast, just do something to reward yourself for your 5, no 6 days today right? Keep up the great work!

splendra

very powerful entry there ((((Bfree)))

Change4life

georgia peach, clotheare part of the issue in my not wanting to go out. During the months of december and january I lost 40 lbs. now I weigh less than 100 lbs. I think the last time I weighed that I was 10. Have only gained back 4 lbs and it is totally unoticable. I wear three pairs of pants at the same time, with a belt and they still keep falling down. I dont each much 1) because I have no $ for food, and secondly when my friends feed me iI get deathly ill, to the point of all exists going at the same time, and I have never had a baby, but I think the pain is even worse than that. When I actually cared about myself I was a vegitarian, and use to pop 24 vitamins and herbal supplements a day. bieng a vegan got oto be to hard, because there was just no place near where I worked that had healthy food.. i absolutely refuse to eat nay fast food, except for boston market or popeyes chicken, but that is very rare. All I really like is soup, chicken, and fish, or rice and beans. people have been trying to fatten me up with steak, sausage, hotdogs, bratwurst and all other kinds of preservative and nitrite filled food. I absolutely can not handle it my stomach ends up feeling like it is in a war zone. Anyway I dont want to buy anything new because I look absolutely disgusting, and I am afraid if I buy clothes that fit my scrawny body I wont put the necessary weight back plus I am really very weak. I used to be able to bench press 110 lbs. now i cant even hold myself up. I am constantly falling and i have passed out a few times recently it is scary when I wake up because I dont know where I am or what happened, not to mention the fact that I keep hitting my head on landing. Besides being bony, and I do mean bony , for example my butt hurts when I sit because cushion is gone. I am completely buttless. I Really do apprecite the fact that they are trying to fatten me up, but they are killing me in the process. When i get what I now refer to as an episode I am in the bathroom from anywhere to 2 hrs, ususally abou 6, and one time I couldnt leave the porcelain fo 12 hrs. I usually just bring a blanket in and lay on the floor so I am close. so when I kow I will be sleeping in my car I avoid food like the plague. I want to get back into my clothes, I have enough of them cause I used to manage a shoe and clothing store in the outlets near my house. besides all the free clothes I got from my store we also got huge discounts at all the other stores. when I wasnt a crack head almost everyone liked me so they would put the items I liked on hold till theren was a sale. I use to get jeans and tops for 2 or 3$> have so many clothes and shoes some of the stuff still has price tags on them. i was gonna sell it all, but I have suits that would cost almost1,00 bucks if were to buy them in the boutiques. Rather than throw them away i really want to work at getting back into them. I know I cant work right now and may never be able to hold down a real job again, but crap I have pants that sold regularly for 200 to 500 bucks. Jackets that were like $700, even the trouser socks I have match perfectly and they were friggin 12 to 15 bucks. I am not the type to dress up, but I must admit, damn I look good in that stuff. I have no place to wear them, but I cant part with them. the last time I wore any of those clothes was when I made a presentation to the board of directors in the school I got my associates in. somehow I got unvoluntarily vlonteered to make a plea to the board to keep the 24 hour tutoring online for math going. I guess they picked me because I used it a lot. I felt it was an important tool for those that were having trouble. I got a friggin 17 on my first statistics test, I ended up with a b as my final grade and that online tutorial was what really helped me through. Admittedly the teacher was nice enough to drop the 17 because I had improved so much, but she use to yell at me all the time for playing the guitar on the lawn instead of studying. But how couold i refuse the requests, I used to give lessons out therefor free, and everyone referred to me as the guitar guru. that felt a lot better than being called a statistics dummy. I find it absolutely crazy that I failed statistics 3 times and then ended up with a high enough grade to be eligible to work in the tutoring center. I couold still do that, but I dont want anyone to see me like this,, plus I am border line agorophobic ( fear to leave the house, or in my case fear to leave my car. Anyway that was a ridiculously long reply. Sorry about that I didnt mean to go off on a tangent. I guess I kept going cause I need to reinforce how badly I need to gain weight.. Im so desperate I put butter on almost everything and go through a stick by myself in like 2 days. That doesnt make me sick it is all the meat that is doing it. Anyway I probably wont be able to play otu anyway I am scaird of people and just cant get out I want to go to a meeting and cant do that either.

Change4life

Thanks Slendra. since I have nothing better to do I have been reading the book I wrote down all things I find helpful, important, or profound. some of the stuff is interesting and some of it is funny because they are things I write about the origin of man, and language. I will have to share that entry with you someday

2stop

****{bfree}}} I hear inner strength! Keep doing the next right thing..you can make it you know. Thoughts and prayers coming your way....and a big hug too.

GeorgiaPeach

bfree-
I don't have time to respond right now because I have to go home and make supper. I will be back on tomorrow morning at 8:30EST. Talk to you then. Be strong! You just sound like a real scholar, I know that you will get things straight and be back to work and in your suits someday soon. The one thing I can always eat when nothing esle sounds good is Kraft Mac & Cheese. Got a friend that can fix any for you? Processed I know but it sure is good. If I were there in NJ I would do whatever I could to help but that is a long way from GA. Talk to you tomorrow. Hang in there!

GeorgiaPeach

I don;t feel good about my last post. I feel that I was insensitive in one of my remarks and I apologize for that and I hope that I didn't make you feel bad. I saw your last thread posted and I want to say that you did not fail, you slipped a little but you got back up and started walking in the right direction again and that is something to be proud of, don't give up! You are a great person, I can tell by reading your threads, you just got stuck somewhere that was not good for you and now you are wiggling free. Just keep on coming back and you will be OK because I think that you really want this now! Go back and read your old threads and just see how far you have come in just 5-6 days. You would be amazed. You can do it!!!!!

Change4life

Georgiapeach you have never made me feel bad. I am feeling down, angry and frustrated today, but believe me you have been nothing but supportive.

GeorgiaPeach

Please don't give up! Do this for yourself! I think that if you got clean and then started seeing a doctor for your anxiety that might help you feel normal again. I know from experience that there are people with real psyological probles that use drugs and such to self medicate because they are trying to feel "normal" whatever that may be for them. I have ADD and I use to drink a lot trying to get to that place. It took years to realize what I had and I got meds for it and I can function on a normal level now and it feels great to not forget all of the time. When my kids were toddlers, I would actually forget about them needing to eat unless I was hungry (sure was glad when they started talking so they could tell me). I know that sounds awful but that is just the reality of the disease. I couldn't go to the store for more than 2 things without a list or I would forget what I needed. It sucks to feel that way. Please don't give up and don't quit, I know that you can do it and that you want it because if you didn't want better, you would not have stopped last night and you sure wouldn't be here today. If nothing else, send a PM to Done-With-It. You would be surprized at the help and wisdom you could get from her becaue she has been where you are now and she had 6 months this past Saturday and she is so super sweet & funny too! I wish I could do more for you but all I can do is be there if you need someone. Don't get angry at yourself, get angry at Meth for doing this to you. Hate it so much that you never want to have anything to do with it again! Stay strong! Talk soon.