aloneagainor

Creeping in again through its usual back-door approach, where I don't see it coming, and suddenly there it is, the big fat elephant that it is, making itself comfortable inside my head demanding my attention. That desire for escape. Not wanting to face life on its own terms. Avoidance is my usual method of dealing with this.

I'm expected to visit family today, it's Easter, the family is Christian. I was supposed to attend church but that's not my religion. I'm already in trouble for skipping church and I've not even yet arrived. I need to leave in about 2 hours for the meal (bringing my traditional contribution: deviled eggs) and social time with family. I've not participated in a family event straight in at least a decade and honestly am near paranoid at the thought. I don't do well in any social situation in general, and with family it's near torture because I just don't fit in and am ALWAYS in the wrong. So I'm always on the defensive, on guard. Stoned I don't feel the stabbing pain so sharp, I'm protected from the jabs. But straight...I don't know. Maybe I should just smile a lot and let their comments roll off my back? No point in arguing, that just fuels their fire, that I'm some hippie freak whose religious viewpoints are surely sending me straight to hell. Should I just sit quietly while they guzzle their alcohol, shooting at birds and squirrels and chipmunks (or whatever innocent creature that happens by), and allow them to preach their prejudiced self-rigthteous viewpoints at me? It's hateful, some of this stuff they believe is God's Will against the unbelievers. Hypocritical. I just want to avoid. What to do.

BigSis

If it threatens your sobriety... don't go.

Why sit and endure so much? I can't see that it helps them or you. Find an alternative... there is a homeless shelter that would appreciate the deviled eggs... are they conducting an Easter Dinner somewhere near? Perhaps you can volunteer and feel good about it.


((((alonagainor))))

PS - Tell the elephant to f off. (grin)

Kellye C

I have to agree with BigSis. If they are going to disapprove anyway, why go and put yourself through that? It's just not worth it!

Facing holidays straight early in sobriety/clean time can be a scary thing (at least it was for me). Fortunately I go to meetings where we always plan some type of a meal or get together and even stay open round the clock for people who can't or don't want to face the prospect of a holiday alone.

If you go to meetings, today would be a great day for one. If not, the homeless shelter idea is great too.

If you feel like you HAVE to go to your family's then plan an escape hatch and only stay for a short while. Make your appearance, bring your eggs, see and be seen and then have a valid reason why you have to leave. You have a prior commitment. You have plans. Doesn't matter if this commitment or these plans are with/for yourself it is still valid.

Please keep posting and let us know what you decide to do and how it turns out. Above all, shoot that stupid elephant before he stomps your *ss!

Hugs,
Kellye

Sugasnaps

I agree... if going there is going to drag you down and make you miserable and put your sobriety in jeapordy simply choose your well being over that noise.

You life is too short and now that you have it back don't waste it!

Do something that honors your beliefs and make the day something special that you will remember next holiday and create your own traditions.

aloneagainor

I suspected I might find solid healthy support here. Gracious thank you's all. I'm shaking so hard it's difficult to type, this drug obsession manifesting itself in me not only mentally but physically now too. I do not spend much time with family but feel OBLIGED to participate in the big family gatherings as their religion is their identity and they raised me to believe and accept that as truth. That I chose to leave their religion, and by association the family, hurts them. The only way they know how to bring me "back into the fold" and be in heaven with them is to belittle my perceptions as wrong. I recognize what they're doing, and don't want to participate in this, but they don't understand why I avoid, thereby creating more friction, more dis-ease. They do not know of my addiction/ obsession. I hide it, cannot speak of it (visine magic obscures.)

I'm going to go STRAIGHT over there (bringing my dogs with me for sane support) with a plate full of deviled eggs, partake of the family meal, ignore their repeated insistence that I eat the ham (I don't eat ham, they know this!), help clear the table and do dishes, then return home. I have gardens to tend, and ducks to visit at the pond. They won't understand why I'm leaving so soon, it's ALWAYS a guilt trip. Geez, maybe this perceived OBLIGATION to family isn't healthy. It's not helping my mind today.

Being here writing I honestly think spared me from retreat into the familiar mode of escape. I really am trying. This is so much harder than I ever imagined. And I thought I wasn't an addict, just an active justified drug user. Mind games.

Anna

I agree with the others - Why would you go? I'm not someone who believes in the 'just because it's my family' notion. And, they belittle your beliefs which include not eating meat and a different philosophy towards religion!! Why go? I'm sorry, it just makes me so angry to read this and that you are going through this. I put myself through so much stuff for so long to keep other people happy, I made myself sick, really sick. I will never do it again.

I hope your day works out well for you and I'm glad you feel strong.

aasharon90

Hi, Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

I hear every word u say and do understand.

Hi, Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

There r some in recovery that do well with family support unlike me there is no family support. And thus i distance myself from all the way over here in Houston. : ) That must have been my HP's Will for me to avoid family situations. Anyway....if i had 2 BIG DOGS..or small ones...i would drive or walk over there like u said, bring the deviled eggs, make ur apoliges and tell them u have plans to to help the unfortionate at a local shelter. It can become a traditional thing for u to do on the holidays and thus get u out of family situations that make u uncomfortable, esp now in early recovery. I remember this that my sponsor did on a regular bases. She loved to bake and thus did this for the shelters first and formost before heading to her family. But then, i was envious of her for having such a close knit family to go home to. They all seemed like friends gathering. I never had that in my disfunctional family. I learned early on in sobrirty that service work is important to our recovery. So this isnt a lie u have to tell ur family but an obligation to those unfotunate people and survival for urself. Good theraphy. Im guessing u r already gone, but my thoughts r with u and have faith that ur Higher Power is with u on this Easter Sunday. Write me anytime u need anything and keep checking back here for more ESH from others. We are all loving caring people helping each other as we travel along our road of recovery. God Bless.

Thanks for letting me share.

aloneagainor

I'd SO like to skip out on this, but wouldn't that just add fuel to the fire. If I make an appearance at least I've participated. I can't help but feel a bit guilty (oh my! did I say that?!) for having left them all behind in my pursuit toward greater understanding. These are extremely TRADITIONAL, full-blooded German, conservative Christians who do not realize how they've pushed me away, and given my tendency to hide I'm only too quick to react to the pushing. 51anna, I hear you, in what you write: "I put myself through so much stuff for so long to keep other people happy, I made myself sick, really sick. I will never do it again." I'm just now (and I do mean right now) coming to realize how I've sacrificed much of myself to appease the "feelings" and will of others. It's been an avoidance technique, that apparently hasn't worked out so well.

I'm afraid that if I stay home today I'll feel awful, rather make that be made to feel awful, by phone calls of "how could you" and "but we're FAMILY..."
(heard them before, as I have skipped out of family functions and it creates a lot of strife and hurt feelings, which make me feel even worse than if I'd just gone and swallowed it.

Well, I do not feel strong, but capable. I'm carrying all your supportive words with me in mind, and will assess this family function from the perspective you've tapped me in to. I can't skip out now, but I'll be home in under 3 hours (it's an hour's drive there and back) and maybe will have a story to share. Yes...an opportunity for gained insight! That's the way to look at this. Alright, now I'm running late...pressure's on. This sucks. I'll be back. Maybe next time a family function comes around I'll know how to do better.

Oh thank you all for the support. I'm happy to be HERE today.

tryinagain

I understand your battle, at least with the elephant. I hope this does not sound wrong but feel thankful and blessed that you have a family that would still want you around on this holiday. There are many, myself included that have run everbody, family and friends away to the point that even if they were within geographic reach, they would hope very strongly that I do not show up. Which, out of respect for their justified feelings, I would not. I too fight the battle today, not with family as I have none left that will communicate with me, but with being alone. I am not truly alone as I managed to keep my wife and some friends through AA. However, that does not mean that I do not miss my father, mother, daughters, friends, etc. I guess, what I am trying to say is that things could always be worse, stick to your guns and enjoy yourself sober, regardless of your decision. And bring me one of those eggs, I love deviled eggs

rose petals

hey
do not go if it will make you stressed or uncomfortable--it does not matter what they think--keep your peace of mind--stop shoulding yourself --all you SHOULD do is not use--my mother and i dont talk and i am fine with it--she WAS s stressor to my sobriety--no more--we alkies dont operate like most--stress is serious with us, at least me, cause can lead to drinking and a miserable gruesome death----sorry, to get so pushy here--lol-- i just cant tell you how freeing it is to stop shoulding yourself--it opened up a much happier world to me
Laura

aloneagainor

Indeed, tryinagain, such is why I do want to maintain contact with family despite our differences. I keep in mind that it's not them who have changed, it's me. They just want their compliant 12-year old daughter back. These are not bad people in my family, quite the contrary in fact. Yet extremely close minded, set in their ways, resistant to differences and change. Dare I say prejudiced against everyone but their "own kind", you understand. It's not abnormal. Just obnoxious. And very difficult to be around. Impossible to be REAL around. I hate being fake. I'd rather...hide.

I drove over there with surprising confidence. Perhaps for the knowing I'm not traveling alone today...indescribeably grateful for the encouraging support from good people here. I'm so glad I wrote of this. With my dogs along for the ride I had motivation to head out. Dogs are always game for a ride.

Mom greeted me at the door with, "So you're finally here, we were wondering when you'd show up." I responded with, "Beautiful day! I brought eggs!" and handed her the tray, along with fresh eggs...a gift from the flock.

The family sat on the back porch and dad welcomed me with, "We thought you were coming to church today." I asked what gave him that idea. My sister chimed in, "Wishful thinking." I said, "It's a beautiful day, did you plant radishes?" Which changed the subject to our favorite, early gardening season in April. Tension dissolved. We watched the kids and dogs play, and talked about the weather. Conversation did involve some discussion about how this country is founded on Christianity, as stated in the second amendment which I did have to correct that's it's about freedom of religion, not Christianity specifically. That killed that line of conversation. Back to the weather.

I realize I intimidate them as much as they play guilt-trip games with me. Just uncomfortable company. I was the last to arrive by about four hours and the first to leave, probably by about as many hours. But I went, made the connection, and was free to depart at will. And the most AMAZING thing happened in this...in the realization that it's far EASIER to deal with family straight than stoned. That constant sense of paranoia and suspicion was not nearly so strong. Surely my guard was up, I never let that down, but it didn't CONSUME me. I wasn't constantly looking for an escape, instead just let everything wash over me. FAR more in control than usual, over emotions, and reactions. And for that, I'm glad I went. I'm born into this family of very "strong-willed" people. I inherited that trait 100%. It's taking a concerted effort to change my drug use habits, deeply ingrained.

Despite the uncomfortable difficulties of today, it's been quite a positively good day overall. And the sun is still shining, birds singing, and there's a duck pond just over the hill awaiting my visit. I'm going straight over there now.
Thank you all so much for listening and sharing. I'd bring you ALL deviled eggs today if I could. From free-range chickens, they're the best.

aloneagainor

You wrote as I was writing...on a wavelength here...very good! Wow, I do hear you Laura. Someone told me when I was 19, after I was caught using acid, that it's that "should" mindset in me that's prompting me to use, and because I can't live up to those expectations I'm hide from them in drugs. And here I'm nearly twice that age and still shoulding. And still hiding! Or...so has been my path. I'm trying a new approach here, and at least for today, it's working. But I'm immersed in positive thoughts surrounded by positive people who expect nothing of me but that I do my best. Now if I can continue this outside the safety of this gentle cradle...
You say a much happier world is out there? I think I believe you...

tryinagain

I am happy that you had a good day and were able to handle yourself in such a positive manner. It is our actions that show others the change in us and it sounds like you may have made some think. I will almost bet there will be some talk about how different you were today, a victory indeed. Things change when we do and you are doing great. I crawled out of my pity pot and went to a meeting with an open mind. The subject was forgiving yourself and making amends without groveling or doing out of selfishness to make yourself feel better. Wow did that hit the nail on the head for me today. I walked out after the meeting feeling a lot better about things and how things can eventually work themselves out for the better in my situation when I change. As I continue to change so will the situations and peoples outlook around me. On my drive home I seen a man with a 40 in his hand walking down the street. An unhappy elderly man. I thought to myself how a very short time ago that would have been me. Instead I spent the day with others who really share my struggle and care about me. And got free treats and coffee to boot. Today is a great day!! Sober and straight is a beautiful thing and makes us better, more mature people. Congrats on your truimph!!!

libralady

How proud are you! You should be! Listen, people and families are the same whereever the world over! I used to feel like you did. My marriage broke up when my son was three months old,and i was lost! I come from a very traditional irish catholic family where this had never happened before! My parents begged me to keep my wedding ring on, for fear of the shame! I now realise, that they were just as scared and afraid for me as they were for themselves! They didnt know how to cope with a daughter who would arrive there sober, go out for a couple of hours, and come home drunk! Now they see me, the real daughter, who is eight years sober, and they love it! However, i still dont really like family gatherings, but rest assured they love you,and even when you dont feel like going, they will just be glad to see you are there! You should be so proud of yourself! when they see you getting better, and believe me, they will see it before you do! they will honestly be there for you! Take care, God Bless you, and happy easter!