Drinking again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Nottm Nottinghamshire
Posts: 217
Drinking again
Honestly if this forum was one person, a friend, then I think they'd have walked away from me by now. One day I'm posting that I'll never drink again, i'm so proud of myself, so motivated, so confident, so sure... everyone saying 'well done!' and then a week or two later I'm drinking again...
I think this is my third relapse in 3 months and I'm sure it's getting tiresome now. Sorry. The only thing that is stopping me from beating myself up about and hating myself is that if I started that then I would lose it completely and stop trying.
A couple of nights back I wanted to drink so badly. My bf takes my money off me now and buys anything I want but won't give me any money. So anyway I found some money in a coat-pocket that I had forgotten I had and he was supposed to go to the cinema with some friends. I said I'd stay in and read my book but really I was waiting for him to leave the house so I could buy wine. Anyway he just gave me a funny look as if he could read my mind and he changed his mind and stayed in so I couldn't drink that night. Then, when he went to work the next day I bought a bottle of wine.
The wierd thing is that I was doing fine until I went to my first AA meeting. By the end of it I was so craving a drink and I hadn't wanted one till then. I still think the AA meetings must be a good idea I just don't know why this first one has affected me like that. Maybe it's because I don't want to admit that I'm like they are which is highly ironic since most of them have been sober for several years and I'm in the early days. Sorry, I'm just trying to be brutally honest here, it's like I think I'm 'better' than that but the funny thing is that I know full well that it's them who are better than me bcz they aren't drinking and I am. Is this arrogance do you think? It certainly sounds like it when I read it back but I've always had low self-esteem so it's strange if it is but it sounds like it to me. It's like I want to think that I'm 'better' than them but the fact that all logic tells me that in fact I'm a lot worse than them is making me resentful and confused and angry. If I'm really honest I felt a bit of hostility towards them. Like don't try and drag me into your little club, I'm not like you, I don't need it.
I'm so confused. I'm kind of jealous of the people in the meeting who all talk about how they've been sober for several years and yet I don't really want them to think that I'm 'one of them' even though I'd be LUCKY to be one of them bcz they are doing better than me.
If it's ok and you don't mind, could people please tell me about what they were thinking when they went to their first ever AA meeting and how it made them feel?
Thank you.
I'm aware of how stupid this sounds but I'm just trying to be honest. I feel like a bad person for feeling this way.
Molly
xxx
I think this is my third relapse in 3 months and I'm sure it's getting tiresome now. Sorry. The only thing that is stopping me from beating myself up about and hating myself is that if I started that then I would lose it completely and stop trying.
A couple of nights back I wanted to drink so badly. My bf takes my money off me now and buys anything I want but won't give me any money. So anyway I found some money in a coat-pocket that I had forgotten I had and he was supposed to go to the cinema with some friends. I said I'd stay in and read my book but really I was waiting for him to leave the house so I could buy wine. Anyway he just gave me a funny look as if he could read my mind and he changed his mind and stayed in so I couldn't drink that night. Then, when he went to work the next day I bought a bottle of wine.
The wierd thing is that I was doing fine until I went to my first AA meeting. By the end of it I was so craving a drink and I hadn't wanted one till then. I still think the AA meetings must be a good idea I just don't know why this first one has affected me like that. Maybe it's because I don't want to admit that I'm like they are which is highly ironic since most of them have been sober for several years and I'm in the early days. Sorry, I'm just trying to be brutally honest here, it's like I think I'm 'better' than that but the funny thing is that I know full well that it's them who are better than me bcz they aren't drinking and I am. Is this arrogance do you think? It certainly sounds like it when I read it back but I've always had low self-esteem so it's strange if it is but it sounds like it to me. It's like I want to think that I'm 'better' than them but the fact that all logic tells me that in fact I'm a lot worse than them is making me resentful and confused and angry. If I'm really honest I felt a bit of hostility towards them. Like don't try and drag me into your little club, I'm not like you, I don't need it.
I'm so confused. I'm kind of jealous of the people in the meeting who all talk about how they've been sober for several years and yet I don't really want them to think that I'm 'one of them' even though I'd be LUCKY to be one of them bcz they are doing better than me.
If it's ok and you don't mind, could people please tell me about what they were thinking when they went to their first ever AA meeting and how it made them feel?
Thank you.
I'm aware of how stupid this sounds but I'm just trying to be honest. I feel like a bad person for feeling this way.
Molly
xxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
dear Spacegirl,
You are always welcome here. In fact, its great that you are. You can choose to pick yourself up, go back to more meetings, share, and continue with your recovery.
I also felt like you in my early sobriety that AA meetings triggered the urge to drink more. I figured the reason out: I, like you, am very sensitive and have a mind that tends to turn inward, analyzing and interpreting everything.
AA meetings are, by their nature, a collection of other individuals who are at varying stages of healing from a disease that has a large amount of denial in its active phase. So, in AA meetings, feelings that had been dormant/numbed or in denial, are brought to light. These feelings are the reason we drank and drugged, so we could feel pleasure, not pain.
If you stick around here and go to more meetings AND don't drink you will find a freedom from the ffear of the feelings, and the obsession to drink will be lifted. But you DO have to move through the discomfort of recovery in order to recover.
And what we are recovering is the life we were born to live. We are recovering that joy inside of our beings that has been deadened also by the self destructive drinking/drugging.
Its quite common to feel the way you do. I encourage you to keep trying, keep open to the process.
good luck today!
You are always welcome here. In fact, its great that you are. You can choose to pick yourself up, go back to more meetings, share, and continue with your recovery.
I also felt like you in my early sobriety that AA meetings triggered the urge to drink more. I figured the reason out: I, like you, am very sensitive and have a mind that tends to turn inward, analyzing and interpreting everything.
AA meetings are, by their nature, a collection of other individuals who are at varying stages of healing from a disease that has a large amount of denial in its active phase. So, in AA meetings, feelings that had been dormant/numbed or in denial, are brought to light. These feelings are the reason we drank and drugged, so we could feel pleasure, not pain.
If you stick around here and go to more meetings AND don't drink you will find a freedom from the ffear of the feelings, and the obsession to drink will be lifted. But you DO have to move through the discomfort of recovery in order to recover.
And what we are recovering is the life we were born to live. We are recovering that joy inside of our beings that has been deadened also by the self destructive drinking/drugging.
Its quite common to feel the way you do. I encourage you to keep trying, keep open to the process.
good luck today!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I totally relate....
I fled from my 1st meeting in horror,.
"OMG..who are these weirdos? I am not this sick!!"
2/3 years later I returned...I was now defeated.
"Hello...I am a drunk and I need help."
And those weird people were there to guide me.
All I remember for several months was a banner over the door
"Keep Coming Back It Works"
I did and it has.....
I fled from my 1st meeting in horror,.
"OMG..who are these weirdos? I am not this sick!!"
2/3 years later I returned...I was now defeated.
"Hello...I am a drunk and I need help."
And those weird people were there to guide me.
All I remember for several months was a banner over the door
"Keep Coming Back It Works"
I did and it has.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Nottm Nottinghamshire
Posts: 217
I don't want to go back but I don't know what to say to them if I don't go back! 
I also don't want to discourage other people from going to AA so I don't want to inadvertantly ruin somebodys life by stopping them from going to AA when it might help them! I'm thinking of going back anyway. It's not like they give pressure or anything so I can just sit there and not talk and give it time but I just hate it when they address me directly while they're talking. I don't want the attention of them talking at me. I thought the word was called 'anonymous!' I need to be ignored and left to myself and when I'm ready then and only then I might talk! pffft! Sorry!
I also don't want to discourage other people from going to AA so I don't want to inadvertantly ruin somebodys life by stopping them from going to AA when it might help them! I'm thinking of going back anyway. It's not like they give pressure or anything so I can just sit there and not talk and give it time but I just hate it when they address me directly while they're talking. I don't want the attention of them talking at me. I thought the word was called 'anonymous!' I need to be ignored and left to myself and when I'm ready then and only then I might talk! pffft! Sorry!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Posts: 1,975
(((((((((( Spacegirl))))))))))
be kind to yaself !
I remember feeling jealous of the people in the rooms when I first went to AA. I clearly remember thinking , " it might be OK for you smug people but it wont work for me, nothing ever has "
The only thing I remeber from my first couple of meetings, isa banner which said , " From Hopeless end, to endless hope", and I loved it, and still do! LOL. And the kind handshakes and smiles, and to me , it was amazing when I went to my second meeting, and someone remebered my name !
For me , Spacegirl, it was when I finally " threw in the towel", that my cravings stopped. I know you probably have heard it before, I did too, and never really understood what they meant. It was when I heard a wonderful " oldtimer" , whose sobriety and story , I respect so much, shared one night, saying: " You can do ANYTHING in this life , except drink Alcohol, just get on with it ". It really put everything in perspective for me .
You will be fine SG, just keep going back, and posting
HUGE HUGX
Lee
be kind to yaself !
I remember feeling jealous of the people in the rooms when I first went to AA. I clearly remember thinking , " it might be OK for you smug people but it wont work for me, nothing ever has "
The only thing I remeber from my first couple of meetings, isa banner which said , " From Hopeless end, to endless hope", and I loved it, and still do! LOL. And the kind handshakes and smiles, and to me , it was amazing when I went to my second meeting, and someone remebered my name !
For me , Spacegirl, it was when I finally " threw in the towel", that my cravings stopped. I know you probably have heard it before, I did too, and never really understood what they meant. It was when I heard a wonderful " oldtimer" , whose sobriety and story , I respect so much, shared one night, saying: " You can do ANYTHING in this life , except drink Alcohol, just get on with it ". It really put everything in perspective for me .
You will be fine SG, just keep going back, and posting
HUGE HUGX
Lee
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
I don't know of anyone who cheerfully and joyfully joined AA. I know I certainly didn't! I went because I had been thoroughly defeated by all my attempts to quit or even cut down on my own. I don't know about the meeting you went to but in my group there are some rough looking people that would probably scare you to death if you met them in a dark alley but upon further examination they are some of the nicest people you'd ever want to meet.
I think part of your anger issue is that by going to AA you're basically admitting to yourself and everyone else in that room that alcohol has kicked your butt. That you can't handle it. That it has won. Nobody likes to admit defeat. But everyone in there with any sober time has already admitted that and understands where you're coming from. The reason they are directing their sharing towards you is because you ARE a newcomer and they are trying to give you experience, strength and hope that this program DOES work. That there is a way out. That you don't have to be miserable anymore.
Go on back when you decide that you're through with this nonsense. They will be waiting for you.
Hugs,
Kellye
I think part of your anger issue is that by going to AA you're basically admitting to yourself and everyone else in that room that alcohol has kicked your butt. That you can't handle it. That it has won. Nobody likes to admit defeat. But everyone in there with any sober time has already admitted that and understands where you're coming from. The reason they are directing their sharing towards you is because you ARE a newcomer and they are trying to give you experience, strength and hope that this program DOES work. That there is a way out. That you don't have to be miserable anymore.
Go on back when you decide that you're through with this nonsense. They will be waiting for you.
Hugs,
Kellye
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,525
It was when I heard a wonderful " oldtimer" , whose sobriety and story , I respect so much, shared one night, saying: " You can do ANYTHING in this life , except drink Alcohol, just get on with it ". It really put everything in perspective for me . ~Justme57
Be good to you today, Spacegirl.
Jane
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Nottm Nottinghamshire
Posts: 217
That was the quote in my mind that I couldn't stop thinking of. I didn't remember where I heard it but it was - 'We can do anything in this life, except drink alcohol - that leaves a lot of things that we can do!'I don't know how to face them now tho. I should have called 'S' to go to another meeting (she took me to my first AA) but there was mothers day and so I was busy seeing my mum and then I started drinking again and I didn't want her to screw up alongside me. If I screw up then I'll do it alone. She's got kids and so I have less to lose if I screw up my life now. I dont' want to be weak and a trigger to her, I don't want to risk dragging her down with me. I can't take the chance that she'll be looking after me instead of herself...
I might be weak right now but while I am breathing in and out then I'm damned if I'll involve anyone else when there are kids involved. She needs to concentrate on her grand-daughter and that means I have to butt out and deal with this without her
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Posts: 1,975
Now , Miss Spacegirl, you cannot "make" anyone drink, it is their choice. You cant get them sober, and you cant get them drunk.
I never really understood how it helped other sober members , when THEY helped someone else, but now , I do. At least I know it helps ME. Just think, you would be taking away "S"s opportunity to help you, and thus depriving her of one of the benefits of recovery
Give her a ring, and get thee to a meeting ! LOL
Keep posting
HUGX
Lee
I never really understood how it helped other sober members , when THEY helped someone else, but now , I do. At least I know it helps ME. Just think, you would be taking away "S"s opportunity to help you, and thus depriving her of one of the benefits of recovery
Give her a ring, and get thee to a meeting ! LOL
Keep posting
HUGX
Lee
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Nottm Nottinghamshire
Posts: 217
Thank you.
well, Lee, there is an al-anon meeting on Fri night so I could ring 's' today and meet her there. That's where we met. I feel a bit shy of why I didn't ring her when I said I would tho. She gives me too much attention. I like being ignored and I feel wierd when people keep looking at me or talking to me. I mean it made me feel really happy when she invited me for tea at her house (she just lives around the corner from me) and I was looking at her books and her grand-daughters room and her cuddly toys (her daughter died from drinking and so she is the guardian of her 12 year old grandchild now) and she's adorable and I love her to bits but I'm ashamed that I didn't call her and go to that last meeting with her. Everything is so heavy and serious and it makes me a bit scared. I feel shy and don't know what to say if I call her now.
well, Lee, there is an al-anon meeting on Fri night so I could ring 's' today and meet her there. That's where we met. I feel a bit shy of why I didn't ring her when I said I would tho. She gives me too much attention. I like being ignored and I feel wierd when people keep looking at me or talking to me. I mean it made me feel really happy when she invited me for tea at her house (she just lives around the corner from me) and I was looking at her books and her grand-daughters room and her cuddly toys (her daughter died from drinking and so she is the guardian of her 12 year old grandchild now) and she's adorable and I love her to bits but I'm ashamed that I didn't call her and go to that last meeting with her. Everything is so heavy and serious and it makes me a bit scared. I feel shy and don't know what to say if I call her now.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
