Admiral

It's been cloudy and rainy out today, maybe that's the reason but today has been difficult. Even the simplest tasks feel impossible, it almost feels like I'm living in slow motion and the things that need to be done are just too overwhelming to accomplish.

I had to go to the store, the list was relatively small but it still felt like too much. The crowds, just finding the items felt stressful to me, it's like I have depression symptoms but I don't feel sad, just really unmotivated and I'm having a hard time accomplishing things.

I had a dream last night that I picked up again, and this one was very hard hitting, I watched all of my progress go down the drain, I looked at the calendar, saw my goals and watched it all vanish over one stupid mistake, it was the most devastating thing I've felt since I can remember. The frustration and sadness were so great that I couldn't really feel relieved when I woke up, the sour taste remains and the fear that some day I will inevitably go down that road again in real life.

Even so, when I used to drink and smoke heavily I would feel this way with the addition of other layers; paranoia, intense sadness, feeling afraid, pretty much what I'm feeling now on top of feeling insane, at least I don't feel that way right now >_>.

Sapling

It's pretty normal what you are going through....All I can tell you...Is everyday you don't drink things will get better....Including the dreams...Hang in there!

FreeFall

Take lots of vitamins and lots of naps. Your body is healing, and it does get better. I find it goes in stages, I'll have a few days where I can barely get out of bed, and others where I accomplish enough for two days so it balances out overall. It is so much better without those added layers!

MythOfSisyphus

I agree, you have to just tough it out and hang in there! Right now your Beast is in its death throes and it ain't happy about it! Your body has been running on diesel for years, it takes some adjustment when you get clean. Eventually you'll recalibrate, you'll remember what you liked to do for fun before booze became your primary hobby and things will improve.

Admiral

Thanks guys, the replies really do help.

More than anything what I feel on a regular basis is fear. Why haven't I relapsed yet? What has changed this time? I feel like I've just hit a lucky streak, for the most part I haven't had any cravings, at least not the bad ones that last for days. I feel like that day is going to come sooner or later, and I'm afraid that I don't have the strength to stop myself when that time comes, because I've never been able to do it before.

This has been a very common theme for me, and I'm not sure how long I'll have to be sober before I have the confidence to know that I won't pick up that drink or go and buy more pot. I've been focusing on the future so much, I think I need to stop doing that and try to live one day at a time like everyone says, it's just really difficult to do that sometimes.

Mizzuno

All you have right now at this moment is this moment. I hear a lot of anxiety in your post. What if? Try to remember that what ifs are just thoughts. You haven't acted on the what if's. You are doing well and you are sober. Its all a learning process. You are Rockin it!