spunkykendra

I am writing for my ex fiance. I just feel so lost and don't know where to start and a friend emailed me this link so I thought I would try it out. Let me give you some background so you can know what we're dealing with:

His name is Tommy. We met in July 2004 and he ended up moving to where I live within a week. Normally I would never do anything like this but we had a bond almost instantly. I didn't know about his past til I had already fallen in love. However, I have gotten myself into a mess. I fell in love with him and we were engaged in December. Things were amazing then in April of last year things started to change. He lost his AMAZING job in July and a friend at our church ended up landing him another great job and he lost it as well. Before that, we moved into an apartment together in August. He lost the second job in October and I broke up with him and moved out in November. When that happened, he just got soo much worse. He finally admitted to being on cocaine after getting arrested for breaking into a house and stealing jewelry to pawn for drugs. He is currently in jail about 30 minutes away and although he put me through hell for about 6-9 months, I can't just cut him off. I just know that things could be completely different if he wasn't addicted to drugs. He was two completely different people and I happen to be in love with one of them. I have been writing him (he's been in jail about a month now) and trying to support him. I've sent him Bible verses and inspirational quotes but more than anything, I want him to get help. He tells me he wants help but we don't know exactly what to do. He says he heard from his lawyer he may get 5 years probation for it all and I am worried about what will happen to him when he gets out. We can definitely not be together afterwards unless I one day see a change, his family has just about disowned him and burnt those bridges, and my family will not allow him back in our home. (He lived with us for over a year while we were looking for apartments) I have NEVER tried drugs and after suffering with him and watching him go through this, I am so thankful. It makes me appreciate my life even more. But I can't just give up on him. He has given me every reason to, and I just can't. No one understands what I am going through or how I am feeling and all my friends think I am stupid for even staying in contact with him. What am I to do? I want to find him some help and talk to him about it and try to help him get his life straight. Not for us, but just for him. He is such an amazing guy when is not on drugs and he deserves to have a happy life. However, he has been suffering on the inside for so many years. I just really don't know what to do or where to turn so I thought I would try this out. I would appreciate any emails or ANYTHING any of you can help me with. Please. Desperate here!

lulu70

Hello Kendra--Welcome to SR! Glad you found us. Sounds like you are dealing with a pretty tough situation. I think the most important thing for you to remember in this is that there is nothing you can do to change him. He is going to have to want to do it for himself. Hopefully, he is getting some exposure to recovery while he is in jail. Has he mentioned anything to you about it? Getting clean from drugs is not easy, but as I am sure you can imagine, it is so worth it. I would also encourage you to visit the Friends and Family and Nar-anon forums on this site. There are lots of folks there who have a lot of experience with just what you are going through.

Hang in there!

Wolfman

If he's not attending AA meetings in jail, suggest to him that at least they would give him an hour out ofhis cell/block. This might give him a nudge and when he gets into a meeting, maybe the message may get into him.

Be a friend but don't be codependent. As has beensaid, he has to want it for himself...

Peace to you.

shockozulu

Please feel free to drop by the Nar-Anon forums here. You can find it by among all the other forums here

spunkykendra

Thank you all so much for the advice! I'm just praying and trying to stay strong and supportive. I'll be checking in and out periodically. I thought this may send emails letting me now when someone wrote but it doesn't so I'll check! Thanks again and anything else anyone else can say will definitely be appreciated. He has mentioned wanting help a couple of times before he got arrested and afterwards. SO I am hoping this will be what he needs and he can get put where he can get help and straighten his life out.

splendra

((((Kendra))))

Welcome to Sober Recoverey!!! You can subscribe to this thread and get e-mail notification when someone post here...when you reply press the "go advanced" button and the bottom and you should be able to find the "subscribe to this thread" option...


It is true that people who recover from drug and alcohol pretty much have to find it in their own heart to decide to recover. Most prisons have AA or NA meetings and I can't see why he would not go to a meeting if it is offered he he wants to get clean...I would say if he does not seek recovery while in prison what could possibly make you think he will stay clean when he gets out? It is possible that he is using in prison it is easy to get drugs in there. If you are sending him money or nice shoes there is a good chance he is using them to buy drugs...

I have done the prison thing with several of my relatives and the first thing they want to do is get high when they get out.

I am hoping that you will keep the focus on what you need and want and let him go the way he chooses. There is no way you can change him only he can do that...sorry for your pain..

spunkykendra

Thanks for letting me now how to subscribe! I am definitely hoping he will seek help while he is in there and no I am not sending him money. I gave and gave and gave and all he did was take so I am just not wanting to do that again. He's gotta hit bottom before he can get up! You know?