katybelle

It's almost 7pm where I am, and that means 12 hours...I'm shaky and sick and so sad, but I'm glad I didn't swallow any alcohol today.
My husband came home early and it was Happy Hour. He's snoring in the den now, and I'm jittery and resentful...poor me.
I can't remember how good it felt to be sober...I know it did, but right now, getting there, is awful. I'm just grateful I don't have hallucinations...shoot, maybe I do and just don't know it.
Thanks to all of you for responding from all across the world.
I'll try not to be so whiny tomorrow.

Katy

libralady

you can be as whiney as you like! you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about! We are human and we all have feelings! x

Jupiter2

Hi Katybelle,

Like you, I was in AA a while ago and went out. The first time around was between '87 and '89. I had a little over 1.5 years sober at the end of that stint and had chaired a meeting too. I went out from '89 to 2005 and that is a long run. Slow downhill road drinking myself to death. By some miracle, I snapped out if it in February of last year, started posting here and went back to AA. I'm not an AA "fanatic" by any means, but I have found great relief and fellowship there again. It is possible to come back. I've got a little over a year to prove it.

Don't let yourself suffer any more. If not AA, look for one of the other support groups to help yourself live life again. You are worth it!

Good to have you here. Hang in there and don't drink.

Jup.

katybelle

thanks again for the support and encouragement. It's 7:30 am here, and I've fed my cats and taken a shower, just trying to do "normal" stuff. I was able to sleep a little last night, but have been awake since 3am.
I'll root out all the hidden bottles and get rid of them today. My preference is whiskey, don't like beer or wine, but I'll drink those too if it's the only thing available.
I don't have a problem with AA...I'm pretty religious, so the spirituality part is fine with me, and God knows I'm powerless! I'm just a very private person and it's VERY HARD for me to discuss things in a group setting. But I can try.
I just feel so worthless and nasty. I have a lot of self-loathing right now.
I'm going to just read some of the posts around the site and try not to obsess about things.
I REALLY appreciate everyone's response.
Katy

BSPGirl

Well I dunno about flushing the pills thru the toilet but well it makes sense to me too to see how much of the depression is alcohol related cuz trust me on that one: a lot of it is...a minimal amount of alcohol can throw brain chemicals off balance since alcohol is a depressant. Just be patient tho, you might feel worse even at first when you're sober. Good luck and congrats on staying sober. There's also a thread with links to alternatives for AA. SMART Recovery has online meetings for example, the others might have too...since you been mentioning you are better at sharing in a more anonymous enviroment like the net.

zinnia

BSPGirl, Can you point me to the thread on alternatives for AA? I'm just getting started and considering options. (also still learning how to navigate around this very well organized but huge site!)
Thanks
Zinnia

REZ

Welcome to SR! Sounds like a tought situation. Sounds like your husband has a serious drinking problem too: social drinkers don't slug down two drinks at 7am before going to work. But this is about you. You've been in AA before and you know that it worked for you. I suggest you go back and do what was working.

NEEDTOBESOBER

I know what you mean, this is my fourth day without alcohol, I am still taking my anti-anxiety pills, but the ones the doctor prescribed that are not as strong. But even with the anxiety pills, the days I dont drink I feel really depressed and I dont know if its the lack of alcohol or some other problem, like I am depressed in general and just dont know it. It has been hard for me to laugh also except for every once in a while even then I cant remember being happy or not feeling sad except for when I was drinking.

BSPGirl

We ain't allowed to post links anymore or something so I'll PM you the link, zinnia.

shockozulu

Here you go
http://www.soberrecovery.com/links/a...ntcenters.html

I have had success with SMART Recovery http://www.smartrecovery.org

katybelle

Yes, my husband is a serious, heavy drinker....he doesn't mix a drink in a glass every morning, he takes a couple of slugs straight from the bottle. He also keeps a bottle of peppermint schnapps in the fridge.
I know it's about me, but being around a heavy drinker and being as weak and selfish and dishonest as I am makes it really hard to stop. I can rationalize and say to myself that's it's okay for him, so it's okay for me.
He thinks since my drinking is worse than his, that his drinking is okay...I'm not blaming him, but it makes it really hard.
I don't think I've ever really admitted I am powerless over alcohol, but dang, my life is sure unmanageable! DUH.......
I'm going to check out the Smart Recovery website..
Thanks for listening.

Katy

Wolfman

"we did not become alcholic overnite, nor do years of twisted thinking and depression vanish in a twinkling."


Read this aloud to yourself RIGHT NOW:

HAHA HO HAAA HAAAA HEEEE HO HOOOOO HAAAAAAAAHAAAAAA
HA HOOOOOOOHAAHOOOOOOHEEEEHEEEE HA HA HA HA HEE HOO
HAAAAA HAAAAA HOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAA HEEEEE HEEEEEE HAH
HOOOOOOOHA HAAAAAAHOOOOOHAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAA!!!!

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

There, see?! I KNEW you could do it!!

May peace of mind fill your day.

-Wolfman

2dayzmuse

Good luck on your recovery.

Kierra6

Howdy Katy! Howdy Everyone!

Wow Katy, I can certainly relate to what you're saying. It wasn't long ago that I was convinced I'd never be happy again...ever...infinity. Hated myself and everything about my life. Things can change.

I used to line my beer bottles up behind my headboard. A guy I was seeing bounced on my bed, created a domino effect and all my bottles clinked, fell over and came rolling out from under my bed. oooooopsie!!!!

I had forgotten about that until you mentioned your bottles. It's really funny to me now.

I got popped for a DUI in July 2005. Just might be the bestest thing that ever happened to me. I now see how I'm way too good at hanging onto stuff that has no value....garbage. I started tossing some of the garbage and started finding my sense of humour.

The court ordered me to attend a substance abuse program. Man I hated it! I'd spend 2 days crying, pissed off, hated the counselor/facilitator...after about 3 weeks, the counselor wasn't such a bad guy and there's a couple of nice people in there and I thought, "Ah Hell, I gotta go anyway. What can I get out of it?" I'm still not crazy about it, but I'm finding things I can make work for me.

I've been reading posts in the women's room and they make me smile. I'm thinking, "Hey, I resemble that remark!"

Thanks for thinking out loud. I too have difficuty saying what I'm thinking. I'm so glad to find common ground.

Jeez...all this positive thinking. What's getting into me? I dunno but it's a nice change.

Didn't I say things could change? I just love it when I get it right!

Time4Change

Hee-hee! Kierra6, you're cute! Glad you're here. Welcome!

Katy, what a great newcomer thread you've got going here! I'm so proud of you for forcing yourself to open up and share with us what's going on. I'm glad to hear you're familiar with AA. Hopefully you can give those meetings a try again. Or else try Smart Recovery, or some other type of 12-step program. It sure helps to talk with others who're going through similar life challenges. You're never alone.

~ Kelly ~

katybelle

Hi,
What a great bunch of encouraging, wise and witty messages...I haven't had a chance to get here until now, and it's 6:30 pm and I'm still dry...it feels kind of good, but I'm not trusting that ....
I can't imagine anyone feeling so good after getting a DUI..that can ruin your life, your home, your job...sheesh, it scares me to death, not to mention if an accident or injury was involved. I admire your courage and optimism, it truly is an inspiration to me and I bet a lot of others too. I hope all goes well with you and we become online friends.
I did dispose of all the bottles today. There weren't as many as I had thought, three pint bottles, but one was gin, and I HATE GIN. I don't remember stashing it, and got kind of paranoid about it...my husband does like it and I began to wonder if he hid it. THAT would be unusual, because he has never shown any tendencies to hide his drinking. I must have done it.
I'm thinking about starting on the prozac, but I think I'll wait another day or two. It really scares me to start on another mind-altering substance.
I sound like I'm scared of everything and I guess I am.
Anyway, All of you have been a tremendous help to me. This is a great site and I'm going to be here a lot, I think.
Blessings,
Katy

Kierra6

Katy, I wasn't optimistic at the time. Not by a long shot.

I lost my license for a year. Period. I do not drive. I DO ride my bike.

That's been wonderful! The exercise helps alleviate the anxiety.

It's forced me to ask family for help, if I want to steer clear of the law. I've become much closer to them and spent more time with them. Also a good thing.

I'm in a court-ordered treatment program. Scared me death at first. I felt like puking before I went. Doing the exercises and working on the project has allowed me to take a long hard look at my actions, motivations, goals and desires.

Something amazing started happening when I started working that program. I gave myself a chance and I started getting sober. I gave myself a chance and started letting myself experience my feelings. It wasn't easy. A couple of times I thought I was going to lose what little of my mind I had left. Instead, I started finding some strength, self-respect and a little peace.

I may not have wanted to go to jail but I think it's what I needed. I had dug myself such a deep hole, I didn't think I'd ever get out. Now I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes we just might need a gentle push to go in the right direction, when we're lost, dazed and confused.

I just choose to be grateful for the doors that are opening. For me it's pretty simple.

If I drink, use or get lost in my warped thinking; bad things will happen.
If I don't drink or use and stay focused; good things do happen.

I've tried everything else and these two concepts have become my foundation. Makes everything else SO much easier.

It's a good thing too, 'cause I get really cranky when I have to think too hard! And I find I'm prone to using cliches...but I think they're on the "acceptable use" list.

Ki

Slowbriety

katybelle~~

if you are around the middle TN area i know alot of good AA meeting if you are interested.

NEEDTOBESOBER

I screewed up- my husband went to the store, bought some cigs and a couple of beers for me-my response was what the are ya doing buying beer for me-he thought a couple of beers woudlnt hurt-wel so I drank the 2 beers - then told him since I screwed up take me back to the store so I can get a few more-so we did and I got 3 more beers- he thinks I need to be weened off of alcohol-i guess he was glad I hadnt drank in almost 6 full days- so he thinks I can drink in moderation. What do ya'll think?

PaperDolls

Well, I know I can't drink in moderation......it's only downhill from there for me. I would guess that if you are an alcoholic it would be the same for you.

Good luck NTBS!