my husband still in denial
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: South Lyon, Michigan
Posts: 2
my husband still in denial
I am new to sober recovery and i am reaching out to anyone who might have any idea what I am going through. It has been so hard and i have been so alone. My husband is clearly an alcoholic. He doesn't physically do anybody any harm or get destructive or anything - however, since i have begun to demand attention to his problem, he has been verbally and mentally abusive. We have a 9 1/2 month old beautiful baby girl whom we both adore. It breaks my heart, the idea of anything influencing her the wrong way. I don't feel that there is any way to win no matter what. I try so hard, i've gotten mad, i've given ultimatims (sp?) i've been understanding, i've gone to the silent treatment, i've had long extensive conversations with him. Once in a while he will admit that he has gone too far. But most times he says i over dramatize things or that I am a psycho. Like i said, he doesn't hurt anyone but it is disgusting to live with someone who drinks by themself to the point of being drunk and then pretends that it doesn't happen. I can't communicate with him when he is like that - it is like a lost day in our lives. It happens sometimes several times a week. He is always dishonest with me, i have caught him hiding beer in every place you can think of in our garage and around the house. Today is a perfect example. He left to go to the grocery store and to the video store and to the pharmacy. He came home at 4p.m., 3 hours later drunk with all of the groceries and stuff. What happened? It is like 15 degrees outside and somehow he found a way to get wasted before or after the grocery store? I just can't understand it anymore, we have this wonderful child that he loves and why isn't that enough to want to be a better person and be happy and want to be positive? Instead he treats his body like a trash can. I hate it. I used to love micro brews myself and hanging out like any one else. Now i hate drinking because i relate it to him and he can never control himself. when he got home today he passed out for 2 hours on the couch and then i screamed at him to get up. I was so frustrated, i wanted help with the baby. Then he turned it all around on me. He said the baby was probably crying because i am a psycho and that we clearly don't love eachother so we should get a divorce, but he expects half custody of our daughter and all of these hurtful things. And this is normal! He obviously still had a good buzz on and had no problem saying the most hurtful things to me - including that i am a big roll of fat. That feels pretty good when you are trying to lose the weight you gained from having a child less than a year ago. I just don't know what to do anymore, i don't have a good enough job to make it on my own, and we just bought this house 6 months ago, i feel like i have no one to talk to because the whole thing is so shameful and there is nothing anyone can do, and he simply won't admit he has a drinking problem and get the help he needs.
I could use any encouragement there is out there!
I could use any encouragement there is out there!
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
I am very sorry that you are going through this. I know it is very painful. I am an alcoholic and was married to an alcoholic. I can relate to both sides of the coin. I did the same things your husband is doing and I heard the same sort of hurtful things he is saying to you now. It is not you, it is his disease talking. His disease tells him to lie, hide booze, go places to sneak drinks and come back drunk, deny it then blame.
It doesn't make sense, but that is the nature of the disease. Unfortunately, you can not change your husband. He is the one that must recognize his problem and make the changes. Until then, all you can do is go to Al-anon or leave.
Sorry, I know it isn't easy and I wish you the best of luck in finding happiness. Life does go on. You don't have to let someone else make you life miserable. I am a single mother and have changed my life. I stayed in a bad marriage much longer then I should have. I had the same fears as you, but I have moved on. I'm sober and have a new perspective on life. I saw the light, but my ex has not. He is still drinking. He probably never will stop. Who knows if your husband will either, but you can move forward. Good luck...
It doesn't make sense, but that is the nature of the disease. Unfortunately, you can not change your husband. He is the one that must recognize his problem and make the changes. Until then, all you can do is go to Al-anon or leave.
Sorry, I know it isn't easy and I wish you the best of luck in finding happiness. Life does go on. You don't have to let someone else make you life miserable. I am a single mother and have changed my life. I stayed in a bad marriage much longer then I should have. I had the same fears as you, but I have moved on. I'm sober and have a new perspective on life. I saw the light, but my ex has not. He is still drinking. He probably never will stop. Who knows if your husband will either, but you can move forward. Good luck...
*
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Lincolnshire, England
Posts: 464
Sarah welcome to SR, please take a look at the Friends and Family board.
Maybe you could post your story there as there are lots of people there in your situation and they can relate to your story.
Hope you stick around, they are a friendly bunch and can give you lots of support
Maybe you could post your story there as there are lots of people there in your situation and they can relate to your story.
Hope you stick around, they are a friendly bunch and can give you lots of support
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Here & Now
Posts: 10
(((((hugs))))) I agree with the previous posters. Plus, I wanted to add that I found myself feeling free of fear when I educated myself on addiction, on my legal rights, on my mental state, on anything regarding my own situation. Take time to learn all you can. It will help you to develop an action plan that will be right for your family.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Livonia, MI
Posts: 675
Originally Posted by Sarahrun
I am new to sober recovery and i am reaching out to anyone who might have any idea what I am going through. It has been so hard and i have been so alone. My husband is clearly an alcoholic. He doesn't physically do anybody any harm or get destructive or anything - however, since i have begun to demand attention to his problem, he has been verbally and mentally abusive. We have a 9 1/2 month old beautiful baby girl whom we both adore. It breaks my heart, the idea of anything influencing her the wrong way. I don't feel that there is any way to win no matter what. I try so hard, i've gotten mad, i've given ultimatims (sp?) i've been understanding, i've gone to the silent treatment, i've had long extensive conversations with him. Once in a while he will admit that he has gone too far. But most times he says i over dramatize things or that I am a psycho. Like i said, he doesn't hurt anyone but it is disgusting to live with someone who drinks by themself to the point of being drunk and then pretends that it doesn't happen. I can't communicate with him when he is like that - it is like a lost day in our lives. It happens sometimes several times a week. He is always dishonest with me, i have caught him hiding beer in every place you can think of in our garage and around the house. Today is a perfect example. He left to go to the grocery store and to the video store and to the pharmacy. He came home at 4p.m., 3 hours later drunk with all of the groceries and stuff. What happened? It is like 15 degrees outside and somehow he found a way to get wasted before or after the grocery store? I just can't understand it anymore, we have this wonderful child that he loves and why isn't that enough to want to be a better person and be happy and want to be positive? Instead he treats his body like a trash can. I hate it. I used to love micro brews myself and hanging out like any one else. Now i hate drinking because i relate it to him and he can never control himself. when he got home today he passed out for 2 hours on the couch and then i screamed at him to get up. I was so frustrated, i wanted help with the baby. Then he turned it all around on me. He said the baby was probably crying because i am a psycho and that we clearly don't love eachother so we should get a divorce, but he expects half custody of our daughter and all of these hurtful things. And this is normal! He obviously still had a good buzz on and had no problem saying the most hurtful things to me - including that i am a big roll of fat. That feels pretty good when you are trying to lose the weight you gained from having a child less than a year ago. I just don't know what to do anymore, i don't have a good enough job to make it on my own, and we just bought this house 6 months ago, i feel like i have no one to talk to because the whole thing is so shameful and there is nothing anyone can do, and he simply won't admit he has a drinking problem and get the help he needs.
I could use any encouragement there is out there!
I could use any encouragement there is out there!
If ever there were a case for going to Al-anon. This is it. You need to go to a meeting. The people there all are going,..or have gone through, exactly the same thing you are. There, it isnt shameful. There its the norm. When you ever started a new job, or new school, or new anything,...we always seemed to gravitate towards the people we seemed alike with. Think about it. Why did we do that?? Because we felt out of sorts, embarrassed, disoriented. Those familiar people made those feelings subside or go away fully. Al-anon is what you need. It WILL work. All the "sit-downs", yelling matches, stern talkings-to, fights, begging, pleading, ultimatums, none of it works. The addict needs to WANT TO QUIT. In order for that to happen, he needs to ADMIT HE HAS A PROBLEM. He definitely is an alcoholic, I'd say. Only alcoholics HIDE their booze around the house. Thats called "maintaining supply". Big red flag in addiction. I bet if you were to ever bring up the fact that he hides beer around the house as your reasoning as to why you think hes an alcoholic, he would say he has to do it because YOU are a psycho who blows up at him if he has a "few beers". We LOOOOOVE to blame our behaviour on others. I hid liquor and beer around my apartment. Millions of alcoholics did it before me. Your husband isnt a sneaky genious. He may THINK he is, but he isnt. Its the addiction giving him the idea to HIDE booze. This addiction isnt very original. Why else can almost every single solitary alcoholic tell his or her story and have every single solitary alcoholic at his or her table nodding their heads before he or she is even done speaking? Because we have all been there. Lack of originality is this diseases only weakness. AA exploits it.
Grateful Member!
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Shampoohorn City
Posts: 246
Come on over to the Friends and Family forum and try to get yourself to an Alanon meeting. There is also a lot of good literature that you can be reading, try to get to the book store and buy The Language of Letting Go, by Melodie Beattie. The most important thing right now is for you to take care of you and your baby. You and your baby, that's it. Try not to engage him in arguments and by no means talk/yell at him when he is drunk, it falls on deaf ears and just frustrates you. See you in friends and family, I hope.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Pickering Ontario
Posts: 8
Hi there Sarah......bin there...and new to this
I'm from the other side other street. The husband that is. I too have hit bottom, I've been given ultimatums, spoken to, given examples of bad behaviour, etc. But the bottles just kept appearing. Yes i could/would blame my drinking habits on my family situations, and we all know that the more we drink the worse the situation developed, the worse the faMILY situation became the more I drank.... alcohol blurrs this preception.
I too, like countless of other alcoholics have hid the empties,I have hid my consumption. I too, felt I was a better person after drinkin' a few, then a few more, and then more till the case was emptied, or I fell asleep "past out". At times I became arguementative and an embarressment to "our family"
After, when we (wife/I) discussed my drinking from the day before episode, I would agree that perhaps my behaviour was less then acceptable (thus an argument was averted). Later however i felt that yesterday was now behind me and I would continue to raise the bottle and repeat. "Things have returned to normal".
My wife came to me the other day with a number of bottles (not mine) found in our daughters room (she's 16 1/2) She tossed the bottles at me and cried..She feels that my large consumption of alcohol has contributed to my daughters early exposure and possible "acceptance" to alcohol. I have no response to this, it might very well turn out to be true . "This" we have to work on.
Ah..... the micro brews..... what a cheap drunk we can all be,..... I was there...lookin to save $$ so I could drink more for less. What a fool I am.
I feel two things must happen to change one's life as an alcoholic, first one, One must admit that he/she is an alcoholic, I feel without this, one's likelyhood of changing behaviour is diminished.
Secondly one must seek help.
Sarahrun.....I learned awhile ago... If you don't recognize a problem it doesn't exist.
....change the things you can change,
accept the things can't,
and the knowledge to recognize the difference.
Yep Sarah bin there. You seem level headed.....if your husband is not headed for change ....perhaps you should.....there are many many wise and lovin' people here that can give you some guidance, better than I can.
My wife's ultimatum was that surely I care of what my behaviour was doing to our family....... cuz if I didn't care she would take appropriate action (read: leave me).
That was about three months ago.
I would like to think that with support, we all need support, that I shall deal with/overcome this disease called alcoholism.
Alcoholism is a like being in the middle of a big pool with drinking opportunities all around. Breathe thru your nose, keep your mouth closed, kick hard to stay afloat. Extend your arm IF/when you need help in getting out.
all the best
Carlson
I'm from the other side other street. The husband that is. I too have hit bottom, I've been given ultimatums, spoken to, given examples of bad behaviour, etc. But the bottles just kept appearing. Yes i could/would blame my drinking habits on my family situations, and we all know that the more we drink the worse the situation developed, the worse the faMILY situation became the more I drank.... alcohol blurrs this preception.
I too, like countless of other alcoholics have hid the empties,I have hid my consumption. I too, felt I was a better person after drinkin' a few, then a few more, and then more till the case was emptied, or I fell asleep "past out". At times I became arguementative and an embarressment to "our family"
After, when we (wife/I) discussed my drinking from the day before episode, I would agree that perhaps my behaviour was less then acceptable (thus an argument was averted). Later however i felt that yesterday was now behind me and I would continue to raise the bottle and repeat. "Things have returned to normal".
My wife came to me the other day with a number of bottles (not mine) found in our daughters room (she's 16 1/2) She tossed the bottles at me and cried..She feels that my large consumption of alcohol has contributed to my daughters early exposure and possible "acceptance" to alcohol. I have no response to this, it might very well turn out to be true . "This" we have to work on.
Ah..... the micro brews..... what a cheap drunk we can all be,..... I was there...lookin to save $$ so I could drink more for less. What a fool I am.
I feel two things must happen to change one's life as an alcoholic, first one, One must admit that he/she is an alcoholic, I feel without this, one's likelyhood of changing behaviour is diminished.
Secondly one must seek help.
Sarahrun.....I learned awhile ago... If you don't recognize a problem it doesn't exist.
....change the things you can change,
accept the things can't,
and the knowledge to recognize the difference.
Yep Sarah bin there. You seem level headed.....if your husband is not headed for change ....perhaps you should.....there are many many wise and lovin' people here that can give you some guidance, better than I can.
My wife's ultimatum was that surely I care of what my behaviour was doing to our family....... cuz if I didn't care she would take appropriate action (read: leave me).
That was about three months ago.
I would like to think that with support, we all need support, that I shall deal with/overcome this disease called alcoholism.
Alcoholism is a like being in the middle of a big pool with drinking opportunities all around. Breathe thru your nose, keep your mouth closed, kick hard to stay afloat. Extend your arm IF/when you need help in getting out.
all the best
Carlson
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