Big challenge tonight! Advice??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 66
Big challenge tonight! Advice??
I am on day 23 of sobriety and doing really well. I've managed to stay out of bars or any overly tempting situations. Tonight I am having "drinks" and dinner with an old friend. She knows I have quit drinking, but she does drink, so I don't want to be a big bore and ask to go someplace with no bar. That's not fair to her. So, this will be my first time in a bar--- I just know her chilled glass of expensive chardonnay is going to look SOOOOO good....I know I can get through this, but would love some advice!!
a hole new life
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: London UK
Posts: 90
Hi Garsh, If it was me having those thoughts about the Wine I would not put myself in that position. It is still very early in your recovery, you are doing great, dont set yourself for a slip!! I would explain what I am feeling to my friend, if she is a real friend she will understand. Good luck
Dave
Dave
Living and Loving.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Saratoga, California
Posts: 475
Hey Garsh,
Just food for thought... if your friend doesn't have an issue with alcohol - meaning she isn't in anyway dependent on it. Why would you think you would somehow be punishing her for not going to a bar? If she knows you aren't drinking and is a friend give her the opportunity to be supportive of you and just ask her if she minds stopping at a nice coffee shop before dinner instead of a bar. Great atmosphere, great smells, sober folks.
The "that's not fair to her" part of your post just made me think... why do we as alcoholics think it's such a big deal for other people who don't have our issues with alcohol to not drink? Well, it's because we are alcoholics.
Love ya and I'm sooooo proud of you for your amazing 23 days!
Suga
Just food for thought... if your friend doesn't have an issue with alcohol - meaning she isn't in anyway dependent on it. Why would you think you would somehow be punishing her for not going to a bar? If she knows you aren't drinking and is a friend give her the opportunity to be supportive of you and just ask her if she minds stopping at a nice coffee shop before dinner instead of a bar. Great atmosphere, great smells, sober folks.
The "that's not fair to her" part of your post just made me think... why do we as alcoholics think it's such a big deal for other people who don't have our issues with alcohol to not drink? Well, it's because we are alcoholics.
Love ya and I'm sooooo proud of you for your amazing 23 days!
Suga
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 66
Well that's just it....my friend does have issues with drinking, but she's not at a point where she's ready to quit. I'm just putting myself in her shoes. When I was drinking a bottle of wine a night, and someone asked me to have drinks and dinner- I'd be really upset if we went someplace they didn't serve alcohol. She is in that place- I'm afraid if I insist on a non alcohol place, she'll feel I'm judging her- she knows I know she has issues with it. It has to be her decision to quit. Plus- try to find a nice restuarant that has no bar in San Francisco!!
I'm an addict.
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Hyde Park, NY
Posts: 1,201
If you go to the barbershope enough times, you're gonna eventually get your hair cut...
When I got clean I had to stop hanging around the people and places I used to so I would quit doing the things I used to...If she can't be respectful enough of your sobriety to have a dinner with you without getting drunk, what kind of friend is she?
It is allmost impossible to go to a restaurant that doesn't serve alcohol, but it isn't impossible to ask someone not to order any while eating with you....it's not judgeing her, it's looking out for you. She may even realize that drinking isn't a requirement to have a fun night out...wouldn't that be good?
Be careful dude,
Blake
When I got clean I had to stop hanging around the people and places I used to so I would quit doing the things I used to...If she can't be respectful enough of your sobriety to have a dinner with you without getting drunk, what kind of friend is she?
It is allmost impossible to go to a restaurant that doesn't serve alcohol, but it isn't impossible to ask someone not to order any while eating with you....it's not judgeing her, it's looking out for you. She may even realize that drinking isn't a requirement to have a fun night out...wouldn't that be good?
Be careful dude,
Blake
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 305
Hi Garsh,
Order yourself a club and lemon and enjoy your friend's company. When enough is enough, you'll know it's time to go home and come talk to us, lol.
Really, an old friend is an old friend and you can enjoy the company without having to partake in a drink tonight. Just for today remember! Tomorrow you'll feel much better for it, won't cha?
Hang in there....Garsh!
Order yourself a club and lemon and enjoy your friend's company. When enough is enough, you'll know it's time to go home and come talk to us, lol.
Really, an old friend is an old friend and you can enjoy the company without having to partake in a drink tonight. Just for today remember! Tomorrow you'll feel much better for it, won't cha?
Hang in there....Garsh!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 305
JUst thought of something else. I have done this, gone out with a group of friends and it was funny what a different take I got from the whole atmosphere while sipping my club and lemon...oh and they also added a little fresh lemon juice which made it even more yum!
Have a nice time, we'll leave the light on for ya.
Have a nice time, we'll leave the light on for ya.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 66
Thanks Blake, but I'm actually a chick. In fact, I think that's part of the problem. As a woman I think it's hard for me to put my needs first and impose on anyone else. I just think it would be hard for me to ask her not to drink. It would be awkward- again putting myself in her shoes a month ago.
I think in the future I should say something beforehand like "I'd love to see you and catch up, but I just can't expose myself to alcohol right now". Then they can offer not to drink. I just don't think I could ever ask someone not to order an alcoholic drink.
I think in the future I should say something beforehand like "I'd love to see you and catch up, but I just can't expose myself to alcohol right now". Then they can offer not to drink. I just don't think I could ever ask someone not to order an alcoholic drink.
I bite.
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 498
Originally Posted by garsh
She knows I have quit drinking, but she does drink, so I don't want to be a big bore and ask to go someplace with no bar. That's not fair to her.
What about what is fair to YOU??
I am not trying to be a hard ass but you need to put yourself first at times like this.
Living and Loving.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Saratoga, California
Posts: 475
Ahh... I get it now, Garsh. I can see why you are feeling funky about it now.
Hmm... well yeah, everyone has said a lot of good things advice wise. I guess it's up to you what you do now. I know, for me, I would be timid... no that's too nice of a word... I'd be scared ******** in putting myself into that position. I know me. I know for me I would go with all the good intentions and resolve and I would go KNOWING I wouldn't drink and yet... I know my addiction would nonchalantly guide my voice into saying "I'll have a glass of chardonnay" and I know I would say it as if I was saying "I think I'll breath some air". As if nothing was odd or self-destructive about it. Now, that's me, and certainly isn't you - only you will know when the time comes if you can muster the strength to say "I'll have a diet coke" or whatever. It's just really damn hard.
I guess you gotta make a choice. Do you let her problem with alcohol put your sobriety in jeapordy? It is, after all, her issue with alcohol you are concerned with at this moment - not your issue with alcohol. If you place your own well being first as a priority as if your life depended upon it then you know your answer. Sometimes, the right decision is the hardest one to make. Ain't that the f'r of the truth.
Hang in there and let us know how you are doing.
Suga
Hmm... well yeah, everyone has said a lot of good things advice wise. I guess it's up to you what you do now. I know, for me, I would be timid... no that's too nice of a word... I'd be scared ******** in putting myself into that position. I know me. I know for me I would go with all the good intentions and resolve and I would go KNOWING I wouldn't drink and yet... I know my addiction would nonchalantly guide my voice into saying "I'll have a glass of chardonnay" and I know I would say it as if I was saying "I think I'll breath some air". As if nothing was odd or self-destructive about it. Now, that's me, and certainly isn't you - only you will know when the time comes if you can muster the strength to say "I'll have a diet coke" or whatever. It's just really damn hard.
I guess you gotta make a choice. Do you let her problem with alcohol put your sobriety in jeapordy? It is, after all, her issue with alcohol you are concerned with at this moment - not your issue with alcohol. If you place your own well being first as a priority as if your life depended upon it then you know your answer. Sometimes, the right decision is the hardest one to make. Ain't that the f'r of the truth.
Hang in there and let us know how you are doing.
Suga
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Posts: 1,975
Garsh, this really is about YOU. Your sobriety is a precious thing , protect it at all costs !
Having said that, if you really NEED to go, realise that as a sober alcoholic, you now can make choices. When I was active, the alcohol made my choices for me, but you can have your lemon or whatever, and when you feel you need to leave the bar, you can, and have a right to, say , "lets move on to dinner". I found , that once I had stopped, watching someone else drink, became very boring .
A big choccy milkshake before is a trick I used a lot, seemed to calm any physical craving I had , have no idea why .
Whatever you decide, look after YOU, and remember it is the first drink that does the damage. Play the tape thru to the end, if the thought crosses your mind !
Come and tell us how you went
btw CONGRATS on ya days
HUGX
Lee
Having said that, if you really NEED to go, realise that as a sober alcoholic, you now can make choices. When I was active, the alcohol made my choices for me, but you can have your lemon or whatever, and when you feel you need to leave the bar, you can, and have a right to, say , "lets move on to dinner". I found , that once I had stopped, watching someone else drink, became very boring .
A big choccy milkshake before is a trick I used a lot, seemed to calm any physical craving I had , have no idea why .
Whatever you decide, look after YOU, and remember it is the first drink that does the damage. Play the tape thru to the end, if the thought crosses your mind !
Come and tell us how you went
btw CONGRATS on ya days
HUGX
Lee
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Bluegrass State
Posts: 10
Great advice from everybody here !
I'm only on day 12 and coudn't even begin to put myself in that situation. Be very care ful if you must go. You know your triggers and you know how your addictive mind works better than anyone else can. I would make the "drinks" as brief as possible. If you start to feel an urge either force it out of your mind and focus on something else or excuse yourself for a few minutes and regroup. If it persists LEAVE IMMEADIATELY. Explain to your friend the situation (you said she knows you are not drinking). If she doesn't understand maybe you should reevaluate the friendship.
Whatever you do, be strong, be careful and be sober ....
I'm only on day 12 and coudn't even begin to put myself in that situation. Be very care ful if you must go. You know your triggers and you know how your addictive mind works better than anyone else can. I would make the "drinks" as brief as possible. If you start to feel an urge either force it out of your mind and focus on something else or excuse yourself for a few minutes and regroup. If it persists LEAVE IMMEADIATELY. Explain to your friend the situation (you said she knows you are not drinking). If she doesn't understand maybe you should reevaluate the friendship.
Whatever you do, be strong, be careful and be sober ....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Salisbury Wiltshire
Posts: 60
You dont go into a ***** house for a kiss
Hi garsh,
I'm Steve an alkie from England, Today's my 4366th day without alcohol, thanks to AA. A few years ago an old timer said to me, when I asked a similar question to yours,and he said Its best to keep out of "Wet Places" until you have become absolutely sure that you are more able to stay away from that first drink, after all, he said "You wouldnt go into a ***** house just for a kiss, would you!".I still do not have alcohol in my house for I know that If I lose my temper, for any reason a drink would seem like an option.
Someone else told me once that SLIP, is Sobriety loses I'ts Priority.
Staying away from that first drink is my number one Priority.
And if anything looks like it may be a problem I will leave the situation.
Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep Coming Back
Steve4366
I'm Steve an alkie from England, Today's my 4366th day without alcohol, thanks to AA. A few years ago an old timer said to me, when I asked a similar question to yours,and he said Its best to keep out of "Wet Places" until you have become absolutely sure that you are more able to stay away from that first drink, after all, he said "You wouldnt go into a ***** house just for a kiss, would you!".I still do not have alcohol in my house for I know that If I lose my temper, for any reason a drink would seem like an option.
Someone else told me once that SLIP, is Sobriety loses I'ts Priority.
Staying away from that first drink is my number one Priority.
And if anything looks like it may be a problem I will leave the situation.
Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep Coming Back
Steve4366
I'm an addict.
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Hyde Park, NY
Posts: 1,201
Dadoes84 makes a REALLY good point......if you feel uncomfortable, LEAVE ASAP!!!!
When I had about 3 months clean, I went to a festival in my town to listen to a band play and eat some good festival food. I went with a few of my friends in recovery and figured I'd be able to handle it. When we got there, I saw so many people drinking and dancing and laughing and ****, that I really wanted a beer.....and I don't even like to drink....my hands got all clammy and I felt really uneasy, so I told them all I had to get the **** out. I left and they left with me....a couple of them even said how they were feeling the same way.
It is important, if you are not comfortable, say so and do something about it.
Good luck chica,
Blake
When I had about 3 months clean, I went to a festival in my town to listen to a band play and eat some good festival food. I went with a few of my friends in recovery and figured I'd be able to handle it. When we got there, I saw so many people drinking and dancing and laughing and ****, that I really wanted a beer.....and I don't even like to drink....my hands got all clammy and I felt really uneasy, so I told them all I had to get the **** out. I left and they left with me....a couple of them even said how they were feeling the same way.
It is important, if you are not comfortable, say so and do something about it.
Good luck chica,
Blake
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