Beachbabe

Last night was hell. It still is last night. 5 am, I just cant take it anymore. Through the night I have started feeling alot better physically. Either that or Im so freaked right now I dont know how I feel.

Ok, let me try to make a point... some sense. Growing up in the 80's 'microdot' acid was extremely easy to come by. Looked exactly like one of those little nerd candies. I ate o'plenty, to say the least. 3 dollars a hit, IM IN! Anyway, like that matters. Grr.

I have been tripping balls all night. It started as really f/ed up dreams. I picked out my casket and knew I had until the next day to live. I was so scared but so busy making sure everyone knew how I felt about them and not to mourn me because I was finally going home, no more pain, no more sick, only hugs and love... but the actual act of dying was mortifying still.

I was running through Manhatten to get to my sister-in-laws to hug her two babies and time was soooo near. Behind me I heard my little boy calling for me. I stood in the street looking both ways trying to decide if I had time to go back for him. I wake to him calling for me in real. Scared the hell out of me.

I ran to his room and he was there like a little angel 'Mommy, Im thirsty'. God, that bite of reality felt good. So I get him back tucked in and go back to my room. By this time I am holding a pillow and rocking back and forth like a pure mental patient. I decide... Cant be like this all night, only 2:30, got to get back to sleep. I was blessed again with sleep.

But the devil was still there. So, maybe he gave me sleep because he knows I am too hard-headed to be messed with otherwise. HORRID dream after dream after dream and everytime I would wake up I would be freezing but soaking wet... wtf? Im a tiny girl that usually cant even sweat normally (which isnt good living where I do) so sweating is new to me. To sweat and be cold at the same time makes nooo sense.

It was EXACTLY like having a bad trip, as long as I sleep. Awake though, I feel better today than I have. Or I am just so freaked right now I am more worried about my brain than pain.

Is this common around the 15th day clean? If so, when may I expect it to stop? While withdrawing, I got an awful flu so maybe I was sweating that out? Any light would be appreciated. If I have this to deal with, I want to know before I lay my head down tonight so I can prepare better.

Beachbabe

I should make sure you know I WAS NOT on acid. It was LIKE being on acid. I have heard of flash-backs, might have been the case, just wanted to clarify.

splendra

(((beachbabe))))

I think dreams are one of the best ways to heal cause we can do in dreams what we can't do while awake. Your mind is expressing in symbols to release the past. Although it may be frightening to dream these crazy dreams. They layers are being purged thru your dreams which is a lot better than acting them out. Healing is like peeling an onion it comes in layers and goes in reverse. Plus if you have the flu it could be a fever dream. Many natural healers consider a flu or cold the natural way for your body to get rid of toxins and no doubt coming off of hydro has a lot of toxins being released, toxic emotions, and chemicals....keep up the good work and know that you are getting better even if it doesn't feel very good to release this stuff....

LeighC

I have had what I call "using dreams". When I have them they are dreams that I'm using in. The most recent one I had I searched most of the night for heroin and finally found it. I was in the process of shooting it when I woke up. I woke up scared to death not knowing it was a dream. I was even feeling for the needle when I woke up. I was sweaty and so sick I ran to the bathroom and vomited. The dream was just so real. This is day 13 for me and I've already had a few of these dreams. I have been to detox in the past and I learned there that using dreams are normal and can last a long time. Hang in there and stay strong. You will be in my prayers. LeighC

Beachbabe

I saw my baby laying in a white coffin.

It hurts so bad. Seems the physical is now turning to mental. Ok, thats cool. Its a process. One that makes me HATE the substance with every fiber of my being so perhaps now that I feel God has forsaken me, he is actually the footprints Im seeing in the sand. He is obviously making things happen to and within me so that I NEVER touch that nasty trash again.

He knows what will keep me clean. Let Gods will be done on earth, as it is in Heaven.

Thanks splendra... really needed that hug.

splendra

(((beachbabe))))

I know it has to be terrible. Prayer coming your way too and also ((((BIGHUGS)))) and prayer going out for (((LeighC)))). Remember you were fearlesly and wonderfully made.

LeighC

Thanks so much splendra you are such an inspiration!! LeighC

Beachbabe

Finally... have I made it through? I did 2 loads of clothes today. Pledged the furniture in the living room and have actually been answering the phone when it rings (huge deal, total isolation since Jan. 17th).

Am I done? Or do you have a few good days and a few bad for awhile? I sit here resting now out of fear I'll get myself down again... petrified all of the symptoms and weakness is sure to return.

Will it? Or once its out, its out?

I sweated so much last night. I never sweat but everytime I woke I was freezing and soaking wet. Could that have been some kind of cleansing?

For those going through the same thing, it is/was day 15 before I could move. This is probably not normal. I have no idea why I took so long other than contracting the flu on day 8 of cold turkey. If it wont for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. Literally.

Thanks to all of you for your support... and attention. I need it, both.

I hope soon to be able to be an asset to the board now that I am clean. I must be a major whimp, noway I could do this again. But, I have learned in these 15 days that I have an addict voice and it likes to romance that warm blanket of well-being I use to feel.

Now it is time for me to find that sense of well-being within myself. Something tells me that will be a fair more furious battle than being a recovering addict. I will be healthy enough to take on such a task though and I must to remain clean and happy.

splendra

Do be gentle with yourself don't let the disease beat you up or set you up to beat yourself up...huh??? did I say that...

make sure that you find out if there are any symptoms that would be a sign that you need to see your doctor. Drink plenty of water too and maybe some herb teas like Chamomile to help you relax and help you replace any fluids you maybe loosing from sweating. Eat lots of whole grains and stay away from refined white sugar and flour too. refined carbs especially sugar gives your body what seems like a lift but, it turns into a crash...