Sugasnaps

Hey Paperdolls,

There is a big difference between being selfish and self-supporting. I know this is cliche but you really do have to put your own well being before anyone elses - this is especially true for an alcoholic in recovery. If you aren't taking care of yourself you may return to your drinking days and if that happens you won't be doing yourself or her any good. You have to take care of you first and foremost.

I feel a great deal of empathy for you, Dolls. It cannot be easy to tread the path of recovery as alone as you sound like you are... but you don't have to be alone. As you said you have SR which is a great place to gain strength. Going to meetings are face-to-face and can be incredibly helpful. Even if you go for a few meetings and get a few phone numbers at least you will have met some people who you can call upon when you need someone to just talk to.

Hang in there, your sobriety is the best thing you have ever given yourself. I hope you are proud of your progress!

Suga

PaperDolls

Thank you so much Suga! You almost brought me to tears. ((((suga))))

I am very proud of my sobriety. I really am. But it's not like once I quit drinking every thing else went away. I don't know how to be selfish. I need to learn that. I just need to get over my fear of talking with her about it. She's all I've got. This might sound corney or wrong but she really my moral compass.

I don't feel comfortable talking with my family about it. I probably should because both parents, who I am pretty close to, are recovering alcoholics. I just don't want anyone to worry about me or ask me "How are you doing today".....all that stuff.

I feel like the one-on-one's would be good for me, not because I have this strong desire to drink but I think it would be nice to be in the same room with people as screwed as me. Is that wrong to say?

I don't.........I just need to figure out what to say to her and prepare myself for the possible questions I'll get. That's the thing.....I don't want to talk to her about it. I just want to say "I'm going to start going to AA meetings once or twice a week"....end of conversation. I don't want the questions.

Justme57

Good morning PD

Hows things with you this morning?
I do hope you are feeling better. If you really still feel you cant go to a meeting, I am so glad that you post here, remember you are not alone ! We are here for you

HUGX
Lee

KatyW

This is my first post on this site. A lot of what I've read sounds familiar- when I first went into recovery I had a boyfriend who I was crazy about and meant the world to me- I loved him more than I loved myself. I couldn't imagine going through my recovery without him and a lot of the time I spent in rehab I spent thinking about him and what this would mean to us. Uh, note to self- WRONG! What that got me was into detox 11 days later. Thank God for second chances because since then I have been sober. The boyfriend is gone and I made it though that without drinking. You have to be selfish to some extent in order to recover. I don't know about you, but personally I was WAY more selfish in the things I was doing when I was drinking. Lies, hiding, avoidance.... those are selfish, getting better is not.

And as far as the parents thing, my dad is a recovering alcoholic and he's the one that was there for me when I went into rehab. He flew in and took me when I wanted to go because he knew how scary it was for me. I too didn't want him asking me how I was doing all the time and asking if I was going to meetings, etc. But I realized that the reason that I didn't want him asking was because I didn't like the answers. I wasn't going to meetings, I wasn't reading the Big Book, I wasn't doing anything.

requiredfield

You asked for advice, so I'm going to give you some.

First off, congratulations on your sober time. Are you feeling better?

I don't understand why you're not going to meetings. Is it because you have decided to join a different support group? If so, then fabulous. Any program of recovery will do. But what I'm getting from your posts is that you're not going to meetings because you're afraid of how your GF will react or that you're not going because you think it will make you look weak? Am I correct? I'm sorry but your GF is NOT all you've got. You are the most important person in your life. If you're depressed and you're sober, and you go to meetings, I promise things will get better. You'll find hope, you'll feel more alive and you will begin on a journey of getting to know your true self. In that, you're offering a much better person to your GF. You would actually be doing a great service to your relationship with her, your family, and yourself. I'm only promoting AA because I get the sense that deep down you really do want to go. Recovery and sobriety is all about following your gut, facing fears and not allowing that voice in your head to control your actions. If not AA, at least get some real-life group support, no matter what it may be.

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. Let me stress that over and over. If you want to attend meetings, attend meetings. If your GF has questions, you can try to answer them to help her understand or you can guide her to Alanon. If she truly cares about you, she will see that you're trying to get help. As far as I'm concerned there is more dignity in admitting you have a problem and doing something about it, then not. Being an alcoholic and seeking help is NOTHING to be ashamed of.

Stop thinking, worrying, etc, and just go to a meeting. I also think grabbing any MALE with good sober time as a temporary sponsor would help you tremendously with this situation. They understand, they've been there, and most importantly they know how to stay sober, one day at a time.

Anna

Sugah

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Sometimes, selfish is pretending that everything is okay when it's not, PaperDolls.

AA helped me to become a better person, and I see it as selfless, rather than selfish. By working the steps, my compulsion to drink and use is gone, so that, for today, I don't have to worry about my alcoholism driving me back to the selfish urge to drink. I can be a better person for my family.

If your gf wants to know what happened at a meeting, you can share what you've said. If it's an open meeting, she can go along and hear what everyone says. Neither way are you violating the principle of anonymity.

My husband is like your gf in that he can't understand "cyber relationships." It's not that he doesn't trust me or fears the stories he's heard in the media about internet hook-ups. He just doesn't get how one can correspond with a stranger, but then, he's a self-proclaimed anti-geek. Technology doesn't appeal to him. He knows that I come here, sees me on the site, and once in awhile, I will ask for his input on an issue someone is having before I respond, but for the most part, I don't talk to him about content, only because I don't want to see that quizzical look he gets. But, I don't hide my participation here. That, to me, is deceitful. When I'm deceitful, I feel guilty. When I feel guilty, eventually, if I don't do something about it, I drink. Or drug. Or become furtive in other areas of my life...and all kinds of other unmanageable behavior and situations occur. There is a William Shakespeare quote on all AA coins: "To thine own self, be true." In being true to yourself, it's hard to be untrue to anyone else. Just some food for thought.

I think, if you go to meetings, she'll get used to it. Or, she'll find Alanon. Or, she'll attend open meetings with you. One thing I know happens: if you go to meetings, get a sponsor, and take the steps of the program, you'll stay sober and your life will improve.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

PaperDolls

Sugah -- I know i'm being deceitful about spending time here. I just know she won't understand it so why try to explain it.

You're all right....I just need to get my butt to a meeting. She'll get used to it. May be even go to Alanon.

BTW, you can keep up with me here in this thread. It's sort of my journal thread.

Thank you all so much for your support. SR has saved me so far.

~doll

Justme57

I am so glad you are thinking of going to a meeting PD It will do you so much good . And RF is right you know, YOU are the most important person here, and you are no good to anyone , drunk, and meetingsd will help you stay sober

I so understand what you say about being selfish, I used to think the same way, but my sobriety is my most precious asset, and I will go to any lengths to maintain it . It is hard work to grow in Sobriety, but SO worth it !

HUGX to you PD

Lee

PaperDolls

I missed this somehow!

Thanks Lee

Sugasnaps

Hey PaperDolls... how are you doing?

Suga

PaperDolls

Doing pretty well suga! How about you?

na4today

so are you going to back to a meeting? Try taking her with you. My husband wasn't real thrilled the first time I went to a meeting. And when I kept going back I think he was mad. I took him with me one time and he didn't want to go back but it helped him to understand why I wanted to be there. Now I go three times a week and it doesn't bother him at all.

PaperDolls

I haven't gone yet but I will. It's been too busy lately.

Good excuse huh? But, really it's true.

leviathon

Just go to the meeting... if your g.f. demands that you tell her, rethink the relationship... relationships are about understanding the needs of the other as well as your own needs. That includes respecting your boundaries... i.e. don't want to talk about your meetings with her.

Therapy is good, but is the g.f. gonna demand that you tell her everything there as well? If so, rethink the relationship... boundaries are appropriate.

T

PaperDolls

Well, you're right leviathon. Boundaries are appropriate and important. I might be making a mountian out of a mole hill. I always expect her reaction to be bad, but mostly it's not. I just don't want to have to talk about stuff. I need to get over that. Really.