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I'm Angie and I'm an alcoholic

Old 01-31-2006, 01:04 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I just wanted to let you all know that my new life is not all roses quite yet. I told my kids I was going to stop drinking because it was hurting me and asked for them to try to be calmer with each other since it's a huge trigger for me (didn't use those words with them). Almost immediately afterwards they are quietly arguing over some toy, refusing to help clear the dinner table, crying and pouting and so on. So much for their support of my attempt at a sane household.

At least they're in bed and I'm catching up on some ironing (well not now - I have to catch up on SR also).
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Old 01-31-2006, 01:21 PM
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things will take a long time to sort themselves out. You need to do what is right for you at this time. The family are rather like a mobile and you are the centre, if you wobble so does everything else, once you are a bit more confident things will re adjust and will settle too...
It just takes time sweetheart so hang in there and stay close to SR and your AA buddies..
All is well

Love to you and yours

Purrddyyxxx
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Old 01-31-2006, 04:40 PM
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Congrats! I remember feeling a tremendous amount of relief once I admitted that I was an alcoholic. I had known (but didn't want to know) for years, but I just did not want to do anything about it. I am so glad that I finally decided to get some help - AA has helped me a lot. Stick around!
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Old 02-03-2006, 06:22 AM
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I've gone to 4 meetings this week and for the most part I've felt good, but today I'm feeling low. I made it past a week on Wednesday and was happy, but yesterday was miserable around dinner time. The kids were making me crazy and my husband didn't make it home until about 8pm. I talked on the phone with my temp sponsor and I guess it helped to pass a few minutes. It feels like the strangest thing to call someone and tell them you're feeling like sh*t. Isn't that a pretty selfish thing to do? I really wanted to crawl in a hole and cry (preferably to get really drunk and drown out the chaos), but she insisted that I call when I felt like that so I did. I went to a meeting again today, but don't feel really super. I want it to change quickly. I don't feel a whole lot different. I still have these strong desires to drink and I feel like an emotional mess. Right now I just can't see how not drinking will solve the emotional part.
I'm not drinking today and I'm going to read a little in the Big Book. Maybe soon I'll get a little clarity. I certainly hope it's soon, because otherwise I might give up.
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Old 02-03-2006, 07:01 AM
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Ang
Try one of the recovery stories in the big book...personally I love "Crossing the River of Denial" it's worth it to hang in there.
You are doing great. Well done.
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Old 02-03-2006, 10:06 AM
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Dont give up!!
you ae doing so well and have taken the suggestions you have a temp sponsor and atttend meetings thats great and believe me she would rathe yu call than pick up a drink!
Its not selfish its how it works! we are SELF SUPPORTING not just financially but we support each other not when the going is GOOD but when you are feeling low too!!!!!

You will get through this
Keep doing what you are doing

My thoughts and prayers are with you
Love Purrdyxxx
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Old 02-03-2006, 10:31 AM
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Angie! :Valchoc:

Angie, Angie, when will those clouds all disappear?
Angie, Angie, where will it lead us from here?
...

There ain't a woman that comes close to you
Come on Baby, dry your eyes
But Angie, Angie, ain't it good to be alive?
...

Don't give up, Girlfriend! It's just ONE DAY AT A TIME.

HUGS
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Old 02-03-2006, 11:20 AM
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You've talked me through my fears of going to an AA meeting. I went and I'm so happy and can't wait to go again. You've talked me through my fears of talking to my husband. Tonight, I finally came entirely clean - no more secret recovery, no more "you don't want to know the whole truth". Guess what his response was? "I can't believe you even question that you're an alcoholic. It's good that you're going to meetings." Duh... I was afraid he was going to be dissappointed to have a dysfunctional wife. He told me he was proud that I had the strength to admit I had a problem and that I wanted to solve it. He's totally supportive.

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 02-03-2006, 12:10 PM
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[QUOTE=Prof9000
I know what you're feeling today and it sucks. As alcoholics we are people of extremes. I got kind of high off my first few meetings because they made me feel so good I was almost walking on air. But then the addiction came crashing in and I felt depressed, couldn't give myself credit for my achievements and I was craving big time. I didn't drink and the next day I felt full of beans.

Hang in there.[/QUOTE]
You felt this way too? That's exactly how I feel. I still feel good after meetings, but I'm not getting the life altering feeling. I'm feeling sorry for myself for being made this way. I've been in search of "normal" since I was a kid and still haven't found it.
I hate brain chemicals!!
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Old 02-03-2006, 12:18 PM
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I think you just need to be more patient Winelover and I know you probably don't want to hear that. Change won't happen over night and it will take a lot of work, on a daily basis to change your life and make those emotional changes that you're talking about. The thing is, if you're like me, you were drinking to cover up your feelings. I didn't know how to deal with my emotions, so I hid from them. When I stopped drinking, the learning process began. It will take some time, so just be patient.

And I've found that striving for balance (not necessarily achieving it) is the answer. Every day I have to pay attention to myself physically, spiritually and emotionally.

You're doing great!
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Old 02-03-2006, 01:43 PM
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I know what you mean, WL.

I get to missing that euphoric feeling I had at first. And all this swinging-from-one-extreme-to-the-next-and-back-again stuff can be SO maddening!

But you really are doing well! I've been so encouraged and helped by your posts. Just look how far you've come since you first came here!

Be nice to you!
Jane
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Old 02-03-2006, 02:54 PM
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Originally Posted by winelover
I've gone to 4 meetings this week and for the most part I've felt good, but today I'm feeling low. I made it past a week on Wednesday and was happy, but yesterday was miserable around dinner time. The kids were making me crazy and my husband didn't make it home until about 8pm. I talked on the phone with my temp sponsor and I guess it helped to pass a few minutes. It feels like the strangest thing to call someone and tell them you're feeling like sh*t. Isn't that a pretty selfish thing to do? I really wanted to crawl in a hole and cry (preferably to get really drunk and drown out the chaos), but she insisted that I call when I felt like that so I did. I went to a meeting again today, but don't feel really super. I want it to change quickly. I don't feel a whole lot different.
When I was going through my separation/divorce, I became suicidal. I was completely ready to be done with it all. Like you, I wanted it to change quickly. Luckily, I found a support group for people going through my particular type of separation/divorce. I leaned on those people like you wouldn't believe. They saved my life.

One thing I learned through that experience, also through reading Kurt Vonnegut, is that human beings need each other. It's not a one-way street. We need each other always and we are supposed to help each other. Don't be afraid of asking for and accepting help. You'll be able to return it when you are stronger.
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Old 02-03-2006, 06:04 PM
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((WL))

I have been reading all your posts and tracking along at home with you, but have had so little free time to connect with you til now. Anyway, I need to be here tonight because I am also feeling bored about sobriety, I feel pretty abit out of sorts, cranky and irritable. I have been craving a glass of red wine.

Its good we can ride these feelings out together. See, if we both hang in there, its true: it'll pass, and we'll both feel better for it. Sobriety energy builds upon itself. I know this to be true.

AND

One glass of wine is NEVER one glass of wine.It leads to more. I remember now. Do you remember how you felt a month ago? and how much better you are feeling, in general, about your life not drinking? Its really significantly better.

Thanks for your eternally honest posts. You help us all so much. And I am beginning to feel better now, too. Hope you do soon.
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Old 02-04-2006, 09:24 AM
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I'm getting ready to go to a fundraiser "gala" for the school and just wanted to check into SR to get grounded. It was so nice to read these recent posts. I went to a meeting this morning and had to leave a few minutes early. Two women followed me out to the hall and gave me some suggestions of how to handle things if they get uncomfortable tonight and I have one of the ladies' phone number. I thought it was so nice that they were concerned enough to leave the meeting to give me some words of wisdom. I've never felt so much concern in all my life. I've always been a do-it-yourself kind of person and don't ask for help. It was the hardest thing just going to the first meeting since it meant I was accepting that I can't do this by myself. I'm glad to hear over and over that it's OK to ask for help and accept it when it's offered.
It makes me nervous that I'll get tired of this "new thing" in my life (alcoholism). I don't have a great attention span.

Send postitive vibes my way tonight as I try to look pretty and sound interesting without the aid of alcohol!
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Old 02-04-2006, 09:37 AM
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WL

Have fun tonight and enjoy your sober perspective!

MC
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Old 02-04-2006, 03:42 PM
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Originally Posted by winelover
I just got back from a meeting and lunch with one of the ladies there. I said it!! I introduced myself for the first time and although it sounds crazy, I was actually proud. Is it crazy to be proud to be an alcoholic? Or am I just proud to finally feel like I'm on my way to a better life?

I asked the woman I ate lunch with if she would be my temporary sponsor so I can start working the steps. Now I need to chronologize the events that led up to my drinking and of course how my drinking has progressed. I've begun thinking of those things lately and it's scary. It really might be frightening to put in on paper. Yikes! I guess this gives me a glimpse of how "unmanageable my life has become".
Ive always thought that its one thing to be an alcoholic,,......but its quite another to be a 'recovering' alcoholic. Recovering alcoholic means we are in a position for the first time in a looooong time (and some people,...ever!) to help others. People actually look UP to us. I wear that title like a badge. I think its great that we can turn the tables on this retched disease and have DO something FOR us. Something that it sure NEVER intended on doing for us.........give us some humility and respect. AAAH....respect....had been such a looong time since I had had that. I would have even forgotten how to SPELL it ,..if it wasnt for Aretha Franklin. GOD BLESS........
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Old 02-05-2006, 12:47 AM
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I had an alright time last night. I felt like I was standing so still it was almost surreal. Like everyone was moving around me and I was a fixed object. It was a little weird. Fortununately we arrived late and missed the painful standing around chatting over free flowing champagne. Most of the time we were seated at a table eating so it was OK. I don't know how many times I had to tell the wine steward "no thank you" before he finally got the hint and stopped asking. I thought that was less noticeable than asking him to remove the glasses from the table. We left a little early too. I can only watch people dancing for so long without feeling bored. Actually if the music were better I may have danced even without alcohol so that made me feel happy. Today I'm heading off to another meeting. I've got a new addiction!!
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Old 02-05-2006, 01:00 AM
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once the band starts, it's hard to visit any way.

I tried to stay away from anything that might be a trigger early on in recovery. Most of this I overlook now. Staying sober has to be your #1 priority
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Old 02-05-2006, 05:42 AM
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WL,

Glad you had an ok time, not drinking. I, too, am headed off to a Sunday morning meeting. This will be my first daytime meeting in over 16 years. I usually go at night, and I'm realising that its been good except that I'm half asleep at the end of the day. I want to see what the morning people are up to.

Yep yep yep...its the new addiction.lol...
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Old 02-05-2006, 06:01 AM
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Angie---
How inspirational... thanks so much for sharing! I remember the exuberance I felt when I finally realized what surrender was all about.... and the HOPE for a new way of being in the world today! What a "PINK CLOUD"!

You're willingness ... wow! I agree it truly is an exciting way of truly living life...
Thanks for sharing!
Michelle
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