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Resentment at myself

Old 01-23-2006, 12:52 PM
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Resentment at myself

Hi all, I'm brand new to the is forum but am hoping to get some good feedback.

I've been mad at myself because I am a giver. I give and help almost anyone and am always taken advantage of. I have a friend who has tried to get sober 4 or 5 times and now she has pulled 6 months together. I have always been there and given this friend a free place to stay, money for cigarettes, coffee, food, gas, etc.... she has never attempted to repay me and most of the time she is very ungrateful.

Since she's been out of rehab this time I haven't helped her at all but she called me the other day saying that the women she is living with has asked her to leave and she said she needs to put feelers out in the rooms and see if anyone will take her in. I told her it's no-ones responsibility to give her a free place to stay and take care of her. She's 30 years old. Come to find out a friend of mine has offered to take her in and this whole situation has nothing to do with me but I've been nothing but really upset about the situation.

The more I've thought about this I've come to realize, that it's not her behaviors that drive me crazy (totally) it's that I'm so upset with myself for giving her so much and thinking that she's been my real friend. Now that I've expressed to her that I don't agree with her behaviors she hasn't talked to me.

Being so insecure it's been killing me that she's not talking to me. I don't want to lose a friend but at the same time I don't need a friend who only uses me when it's convenient for her.

How do I let this go?
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Old 01-23-2006, 01:45 PM
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Soberus Maxus
 
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Simple Problem
Simple answer
She was never really you friend in the first place she was just using you for you kindness. Been There we all have its just hard to see the answer while your involved.
How do I let this go?
Never easy just realize it was never real.
Max
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Old 01-23-2006, 02:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Lvrofbutrflys
I don't want to lose a friend but at the same time I don't need a friend who only uses me when it's convenient for her.

How do I let this go?
I think you have found the answer to your own question. You don't want to lose a friend but she's not a friend if she only uses you when its convenient for her...

Therefore you don't need her so just lose her. You'll get over the feeling of being used, take comfort that you tried to help a fellow human being but she just didn't care. You've done what you could have.
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Old 01-23-2006, 02:24 PM
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You're a giver. She's a taker, not a friend.

Stay strong.
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Old 01-23-2006, 02:45 PM
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I have always been a giver too, and when I was drinking, i really felt that those to whom I gave, were never grateful enough. Since doing my 4th step, I see that I was giving with expectations, and when those expectations were unfulfilled, I got a resentment. I was really "people pleasing" to make me feel better. I came to realise, that people only used me , because I let them.

Since I have been sober, I find that I still "give" to people, cos I care for them, not out of any self need, so because I dont expect anything back, I dont leave myself open to be hurt.

it is great that your friend has offered to take her, if thats what she wants to do, but it shouldnt affect YOUR friendship, you have a right to do what is right for YOU. If she is choosing not to talk to you, that is her problem, not yours.

Just be friendly when you see her, and it will all work out

HUGX
Lee
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Old 01-24-2006, 06:57 AM
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Thank you all for the great advise. I guess all along I new the answer to my own question which I think I often do. If only I could listen to the voice inside, because it is always right. I don't know why I go against my concience.

Anyway... I was at a meeting last night and got some good feed back from them as well. I can't make her change and being upset at her behaviors is only upsetting me so it's time to let it go. If or when I see her I will be friendly but not giving.

Thanks again..... Lvrofbutrflys
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