igfan

HI,
I've gone to 2 meetings so far and i just feel out of place there. I hear everyone talk about how when they walked in the rooms they were welcomed with open arms, i'm just not feeling the love. I'm sure it's probably me, i tend to put up walls and i'm not one to cry at a meeting and ask for help. I'm sure i probably seem unapproachable, but i kinda feel resentment towards these people when i see a newcomer come in and they're being given meeting lists with phone numbers and everyone is reaching out to this person, i just wonder what is it that i'm not doing to show these people that i need help too? I've been to meetings before with each attempt to quit and it just seems like i leave there feeling bitter instead of better. I've tried sharing at the meetings and i just end up feeling stupid. Please help me understand, i know AA has helped a lot of people and i want what those people have, but maybe AA is not for me.

Chy

I understand what your saying as I've always been accused of being unapproachable. I think if you take the risk and say hello and extend a hand shake when you walk in you'll become more at ease. It took me 2 months to be able to do that as I had huge walls. Keep going back stick it out and even try a few other meetings.

Sugah

When my husband and I were on our honeymoon, we took meeting lists with us. Our first stop was in Concord, MA, and we attended a meeting there. The church looked deserted. We actually had to bang on the door to get someone to answer it. Seems they had their own routine there, and there was no "meeting before the meeting" like we were accustomed to. We were welcomed in a very reserved manner, and the sharing at the meeting felt...stiff? to me. They fit my stereo-typical image of what New Englanders were like (no offense to anyone here from New England!).

Then, we went on to Martha's Vineyard. We thought we had the right location for the meeting, and we sat in a park waiting..and waiting...and waiting, but no one showed up. Seems the meeting was across the park at the parish, not at the main church. We had both caught sight of a guy sitting on the front steps, and just as we were about to go ask him if we were in the right place, he approached us, hand extended, and asked if we were friends of Bill. This group was larger and very, very welcoming.

Later, I realized that the groups in my own community aren't that much different than the two meetings a couple of hours apart that we visited on our honeymoon. There are some groups I avoid because I just don't feel at home there. To realize that has helped me to improve my own efforts with the newcomers and the visitors.

Your two meetings....were they in the same location? Did they have a greeter--someone to shake your hand and introduce themselves when you came in the door? Different groups have different "personalities" and though they all should be carrying the same message, there are some that may be better than others for the newcomer. Why not try a different meeting?

Also, all of the groups in my area ask if there are any newcomers or out of town guests who would like to introduce themselves. If the groups you attended did this, have you introduced yourself? It's perfectly acceptable and appreciated when a newcomer asks for phone numbers in the meeting...you're there for your recovery, and sometimes, our secretary isn't on the ball and doesn't get a list passed. If it's out of your comfort zone to speak up, well...sometimes, we have to force ourselves to do new things. If you want recovery, there are hurdles that you'll have to jump. Our old ways didn't work -- otherwise, we wouldn't need AA.

I will pray with you for the strength to speak up and say, "Hello, I'm _____, and I'm an alcoholic. I'm new and I could use some phone numbers." Bet it doesn't take you more than ten seconds to say!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

requiredfield

I can completely relate to what you're saying. I felt this way at my home group. And then, this guy came up to me and asked me if I knew any of the women. I said, I didn't, so he dragged me over to them. That night, I joined with no real intention of ever going back. The next Monday, I got there a half hour early and introduced myself to poeple. At the time, I thought it was all my doing, but today I know that my HP was doing for me, what I could not do myself.

Please pray for the willingness to face your fears and tell ppl you are new. It can save your life.


Also, I certainly don't like every meeting in AA, but I've never been to a bad one.

CarolD

Go 10 minutes early... stay 5 minutes after the close.

That is how I got connected.

Just don't drink today...Blessings

Phinneas

When I got sober, somehow I intuitively knew that AA didn't need me, but I sure needed AA. I was scared of the people in meetings. I just kept saying to myself over and over again, "just show up and be open." Sometimes I'd say that a hundred times in my head. It worked! It took a little while, but I became "a part of."

I suggest going to different meetings until you find some you like. Go to woman's meetings if you are a woman. Keep going to the same meetings, too. Give them a chance to get to know you a little bit as you get to know them.

Let us know how it goes!

Sugasnaps

Hey igfan,

When you go, try this... Go early and sit wherever it's most comfortable for you to sit. For me, it was in back. lol go figure. To make yourself more approachable just sit with your back straight, head up not bent down looking at your lap, when people walk in look right at them and just offer them a smile. That is it. If they smile back... try saying, Hi. Bet that's all it will take. Sometimes our body language can say "I'm scared to death and if you come near me I'm going to RUN."

I sure hope you give it another try. Making connection with people was a real help to me because I had become a hermit. It was safe for me to hide at home with my friend vodka and wine. No explanations, no worry... if I'm home I am insulated. It is hard to get out there the first few times. Keep at it and you won't regret it.

**{hugs}} Hang on and don't give up on you.

Suga

Rob B

Coming into AA can be overwhelming, 2 meetings doesn't necessarily represent the group as a whole. Keep going, introduce yourself, hook up with a temporary sponsor, and get a service job, coffee maker, greeter etc. Also find other groups, closed, open speaker, discussion.See what feels right for you. Most important, READ the Big Book, we recover from alcoholism by having a spiritual awakening as the result of taking the suggested program of action (The 12 Steps) The BIg Book will tell you PRECISELY how to do this. Best of luck in your journey.

igfan

Thanks everyone for the advice. A friend once told me "there are no coincidences in life, things happen for a reason", after i posted i got a call from a woman i work with who is in the "program" and she invited me to go to a meeting tonight out of town. Maybe this is what i need, and maybe i'll introduce myself (or maybe not - baby steps!). Anyway, i'll let you know how it goes.

Sugasnaps

I love it when the good stuff happens... it's so cool to see. Hang in there igfan - good stuff is happening to you as we speak. You can do it.

Suga

Cathy31

Excellent, so glad about the phone call!

I suppose, like life, in AA meetings people are all different...I have one meeting that I feel particularly intimidated at...I have stayed on 5 mins after and just felt so out of place and really no one was terribly welcoming.

So, I tried another meeting and it was wonderful. So I just don't go to the meeting that I'm not mad about..luckily in my small town we have a choice of 12 per week, which is big in Ireland.

I'm so glad you are going to get to experience another meeting, and I really hope it's a positive experience for you!

Good on you for keeping on trying!!

Cathy31
x

miss communicat

Dear Igfan,

Wow. I can so relate to you and the initial awkwardness of attending AA meetings.!

I can only echo whats been said here already and add my own experience of what has worked, and not worked, for me.

The best advice for me was getting there earlier and staying later. When I arrive before the meeting is underway I feel like I am not an "outsider". (Not that I AM ever an outsider, which is a mental construct I erect)

Another thing that has worked for me is to find a smaller women's meeting. The one that is now my regular group generally has only 8 - 10 of us. I always arrive early, and raise my hand to share even though what I say may be stupid. (I know, its never stupid if its honest. Just another self judgement that I am shedding...bye bye, judgement!)

Another meeting I attend regularly is just the opposite: its large and there alot of oldtimers there. This one pushes me out of my comfort zone abit, but I think of it as a spiritual workout. I need to stretch my comfort zone if I want to get better. Sitting around the house won't cut it for me anymore.

At this big meeting, we hit upon a topic the other day that has been indelible in my mind ever since. It is the "Principles over Personalities" idea. I shared how I was going to meetings everywhere every day looking for my home group and a sponsor, and someone picked up on that as being a spiritual window shopping kind of thing. I felt a little criticized for "meeting shopping", but after I weighed that out against not going to meetings at all, I cut myself some slack, and I'm glad I did.

I came to feel there is no benefit to be gained from limiting myself to a meeting that I cannot connect with. For instance, I live in a teeny little New england village. One local meeting consists of 3-6 (old) men sharing yarns about people I never met. Am I going to hang my sobriety on that meeting? No. I did try new meetings until I felt at home.I now feel really plugged in to my meetings and count on them as part of my support.

Even now that I've found my home groups (2) I still do sometimes feel like an outsider.
Only, I know thats all me, not anyone else. I see myself doing it. I try to remember that we are all there to get support, hope, inspiration of some sort and that, maybe if I smile at someone, if thats all I feel up to, it will brighten that person's experience. If not, it doesn't hurt me, and gets me out of my head.

I stay afterwards and ask for a phone number or introduce myself to at least one person per meeting since I'm still new.

Hope this gives you some confidence. Go for it! Its worth it!



Please try one or two of the ideas here and keep going to meetings. There IS power in the group. (higher power)

BSPGirl

Why don't you try alternatives for 12 steps based meetings? I dunno where you're located but maybe there are?

lafever chris

Get a where and when meeting list and try other meeting, find one your comfortable with where you do fit in and make it your home group.

chris

p.s. god bless

raerob

I have to agree that just two meetings isn't a fair assessment of AA. I checked the internet under AA meetings in New Hampshire, and there seem to be a lot of towns that have them...although I don't know how many there are in your particular town.

Since you say you've tried sharing, I gather you've gone to Discussion Meetings. You might try a couple of Open Speaker Meetings, where you can just "sit back, relax, and listen".

Whichever type of meeting you attend, it wouldn't be a bad idea to show up early, and stay until after the meetings have ended. AA meetings don't get set up or broken down by themselves...ask what you can do to help, or just pitch in and lend a hand. In the process, you might get up the courage to simply say, "Hi, my name is _______, and I'm new."

At my home groups, we always said some of the "best meetings" were before and after the regular meeting. After you've gotten many sober 24's together, remember what it felt like to be a newcomer...and, reach out to the newcomers who come into the rooms of AA after you...that's the way it works, my friend...that's the way it works!

Hang in there! It's worth the effort!

earlybird

The meetings I attend in my area all start with the readings and then announcements. After that, the chairperson, ask if anyone is new to AA and to raise your hand and state your name. That is met with a round of applause. I know exactly what you mean. And believe me,..it IS probably you. I mean, why wouldnt it be??? We just quit drinking. A recreation which sole purpose was to isolate. Lie. Deceive. Hide. Deny. Of course we are going to be stand-offish in the beginning. Comes with the territory. Nature of the beast. How about showing up early to one or two meetings and helping set up tables or chairs? How about making coffee? How about staying a half hour after to help clean up? How about bringing donuts? How about buying a Big Book and putting your name on the inside cover and sending it around the table to get phone numbers? How about asking if anyone knows anyone who is interested in sponsorship? How about leading a table before anyone else starts? Ask for a ride home. Offer a ride TO someone. Ask to hear someones story. Go out WITH the group for coffee afterwards. Try some open talk meetings instead of the table ones. Read your big book. Get the daily prayer book. The Twelve and Twelve. The 24 Hour a day book. ............Im winded now...feel like I just --->

igfan

HI
went to a meeting last night, felt pretty awkward as it was a small meeting (approx 10 people) in a small town where everyone knows everyone, but otherwise pretty painless. My friend has invited me to go to a social gathering after our Friday night meeting at a womans house from the program. Everything in my being tells me NO (I don't socialize well, after all that's why i drank), but i think i will force myself to go. It will be a good opportunity to get to know the women in the program and let them get to know me a little bit. Wish me luck!

Cathy31

Brilliant! And you stayed sober - that's the MAIN THING FOR NOW!!!!



Well done!

Sugasnaps

igfan,

I sure hope you are good to yourself today because making that decision took courage. It's so hard when we go outside of our comfort zone - esp without our old moral-ego booster alcohol. YOU are worth it and I am so glad you are going to try to connect with the women in your area. Staying at home being a hermit sucks - I struggle with that too.

Hang in there,

Suga

McGowdog

That's pretty scaled down and simple right there.