| Time2Surrender | 01-03-2006 08:50 AM |
Almost 9 months clean and what the 12 steps mean to me
This is going to be kinda long. At a little under 9 months clean, heres what AA/NA and the 12 steps are about for me: First of all, I cannot do this alone. No way. I have tried it. It didnt work. In NA I never have to be alone again. The past is what kept me out there. I drank and used drugs to escape my pain. As a 14 year old kid, I could smoke pot and forget that my parents were divorced. I could smoke pot and forget things at home sucked. A few years later at 19 I was in a bad marriage. I could smoke pot and drink to forget my marriage sucked. Eventually I drank because I was divorced and didnt wanna feel that either. After a few more years and a few more bad relationships I turned to hard drugs. I was able to escape everything in life I thought I couldnt handle. I lost all control. In the summer of 2000 my fiance was killed in a car accident 3 weeks before our wedding day. That one was huge. I cannot put into words the pain and horror of a cop coming to my house, sitting me down and informing me that the woman I loved with all my heart had been killed. That I would never see her, hold her or talk to her again. I stayed loaded. I did not wanna feel the pain of her death. When I was high I forgot the fact she was dead. When I came down the pain was intensified. So, I had to stay high. My life became more and more unmanagable. Before I knew it I was 42 years old. Totally stung out. I felt so hopeless. I wanted to die. I had wasted a good portion of my life with drugs and alcohol. I had no clue how to deal with life, relationships, and any kind of problem I encountered. I need much more than just abstanance from drugs and alcohol. I needed recovery. I started with step one: When it comes too using drugs I am powerless. I cannot control my using. So I have two choices. Keep using and keep losing in life or remain abstanant I am powerless over everything except my own actions. Today I make a choice everyday. I make a decision not to get loaded no matter what.I was powerless over my parents divorce, my bad marriage, and my girlfriends death. I had no control over her accident. I wasnt even there. And it does hurt. But, its life. People die. I am very grateful for the time I had with her. Step two: I believe God will restore me to sanity. Just because I stopped using didnt mean I was well. No way. Step 3: Very important in my opinion and so far my favorite.Turn my will and my life over to the care of God. Ok, I make all my own decisions. I make a desion not to get high. I make a desion to get up and go to work everyday. I make a desion to be the best man I can. The rest is up to God. It was Gods will my girlfriend died. Today I am able to accept this. I trust in God. I have complete faith in God. Today that works for me. I am able to accept everything that happens in my life. Good or bad. Step four: And this is where I am today. I take a hard look at myself. At my life. Things from my past that are buried deep inside of me. Painful things from my past. I look at my resentments in life. People I have resentment against. I also am learning I played a part in most of these resentments. I also have a lot of guilt for how I hurt others. Step five: I share these things with God and with another person whom I trust. Getting these things out helps. Step six: I look at my own faults. Areas where I can use improvement. How I can become a healthier and better person. I can assure you when I got clean I was not too healthy. I was a mess. Step 7: I ask God to help me improve on these defects. Step 8: I make a list of all the people I have wronged. All the people I have hurt. And unfortunately in the last 30 years I have harmed a lot of people. Step 9: I make ammends to all these people. Its only right. I owe a lot of people an ammends. All types of ammend including financial ones. Step 11: I continue to take a look at myself and my actions on a daily basis. I look at my mistakes. I admit them. Like for instance I have an argument with my girlfriend. Looking at the situation I realize I was wrong. I admit this and make an appology. Very simply I am able to admit when I am wrong. I am always trying to be a better person. There is nothing wrong with that. Step 11: Basicly I stay close to God. I take time to meditate. I pray for the knowledge of Gods will for me. After all, how am I supposed top know what God wants? I really doubt its me hiding in my bathroom hitting a crack pipe. Step 12: I have a spiritual awakening. I try to share what I have and carry the message to other addicts. Much like I am doing now. Working these steps is a life long process. Its not just 12 lines and your on your own. I do not believe there is any human being who cannot find ways to improve themselves and there life. I am recovering from 30 years of drugs and alcohol. 30 years of bad decisions. For the past 9 months, this has worked for me. Today I am able to enjoy my life without the use of drugs or alcohol. Today I am able to accept things I dont like. I would not trade the life I have today for anything. Recovery is a lot of hard work. It takes time and effort. But it is also poossible for anyone who really wants it if they are willing to do the work and put the effort needed into it.Yes, I will gladly continue to work these 12 steps for the rest of my life. My life is so much better today. I type ridiculously slow with two fingers. This took me a while to type. Now I am late for work. Oh yeah, thanks to being clean and sober I work for myself. I can go to work when I feel like it. One of the many rewards of being clean and sober and doing the right thing. At times the past 9 months have been tough. Its been a rocky ride. But I have also had so many possitive things happen in my life. Today I do not have to use over my problems. I face them and try to find a solution. I work through them. I have a huge amount of wreckage from my past to deal with. And I will. I also still have a lot of other things in life that are sometimes hard to deal with and hard to accept. My girlfriend is still dead. She is not coming back. I have to accept this and move on. I have a son named Thomas. He will be one year old this month. I have never seen him. After spending several thousand dollars this summer I have turned it over to God. Being clean allowed me to have the money for a lawyer. Getting high will not do anything for me or him. I am actually at peace with myself on this one. I have done all I can. I tried to do the right thing. I make very good money. The child support alone would have been more than most people's income. Its now up to God. She will have to live with her decision. She is only hurting the boy. Not me. She will eventually have to explain this to him someday. And she will also have to face God someday. I recently ended a relationship. It was a very painful break up for both of us. Unfortunately she drank over it. It was painful for me to see her go back out. As for me? I chose to stay clean. I still go to meetings regularly and work a program. She has no intrest in meetings or any kind of program. I am a self employed paint contractor. Running a business can be a huge amount of stress, but also very rewarding.Today I am clean and sober. Today I like the person I am. Today I am happy. Life is good. Thanks for listening. My name is Mike and I am a recovering addict. :) | 