Too much for my wife
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yeovil, Somerset
Posts: 51
not yet. I am trying to comprehend violent moodswings - its all ok one minute, and the next she is ranting at me. I know she hurts, but we had a good weekend, today she flipped down the phone at me and told me she was taking off her ring and that i ought to pack...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yeovil, Somerset
Posts: 51
went to a "really hard" aa meeting last night - confronted a lot of demons. I feel remorseful today, as the past haunted me through the night. It is hell being so "far away" from my wife...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
When household objects start flying around, it's time for a break from eachother.
I know it's hard mj, coming face to face with yourself.
But you will soon emerge healthier and happier, if you can find the courage to go through with it,
as it seems you have.
Concentrate on staying sober, go to meetings, ask for help.
Your wife needs to go through the stages of dealing with her anger.
She's come face to face with herself too, you know...
And in some respects, it's just as painful as what you're experiencing.
I wish you courage, and more of it.
I know it's hard mj, coming face to face with yourself.
But you will soon emerge healthier and happier, if you can find the courage to go through with it,
as it seems you have.
Concentrate on staying sober, go to meetings, ask for help.
Your wife needs to go through the stages of dealing with her anger.
She's come face to face with herself too, you know...
And in some respects, it's just as painful as what you're experiencing.
I wish you courage, and more of it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: London, UK
Posts: 115
Dear Mjln
my partner is a recovering alcoholic/addict and been sober and clean for 3 months. I can tell you what it has been for me and hope it helps you, and no matter the differences which there will be, just focus on the similarities.
First of all, well done on your recovery, I'm happy for you and pray you'll have another sober/clean day, one day at a time. The first two weeks or so of my partner's recovery I was still very suspicious, obsessed with whether she was going to meetings or not, I didn't trust her at all and I didn't know how I felt with this person who was becoming very busy going to meetings, knowing new people that I also didn't know whether to trust or not and mainly I was always expecting to come home and find her drunk or high. Because of that, i couldn't relax very much and enjoy her sobriety because I would work myself up in preparing myself for the worst. I did that because so many times in the past I believed her, i trusted her, I thought we were going to have a lovely evening/weekend, whatever and when that didn't happen because she drank/used, i would feel so let down. Most of the times I couldn't show how upset I was and that's when my sadness would stay inside me and slowly turn into anger. Also, I was told so many lies in the past that I wouldn't believe a word she said. Memories of horrible times would come back to me without warnings and that would make me so angry! I also wanted, now that she was sober, to immediately make up for all the hurt, the drama, the horrible times we had because of her disease, I now wanted to be at the centre of attention, it wasn't that I wanted her to say sorry, which she had done in the past, that wasn't enough, I wanted facts now: I wanted her to talk to me and recognise and admit all the hurt, I wanted her to be fully functioning as if she had never been an alcoholic/addict, I wanted love, praise, I wanted her to say she would never drink/use again, she would never see her old friends again, I wanted her to go to meetings everyday and if she wasn't, it was an automatic relapse! Now, after 3 months, things have changed greatly and keep on changing all the times. What worked for me was time, patience and going to Al-anon to make me understand more and more about sobriety, her disease, my recovery, my feelings and so on. I felt things were getting worse rather than better, i felt alone and disregarded because I would come home and she was tired, still at a meeting, or so absorbed in reading a book or watching TV. I felt like I didn't exist. Time has helped me to understand how difficult recovery is for my partner and how much energy requires. I also had to learn how to let go of my old ways of reacting, thinking, processing and I managed to do that with Alanon but also by the natural course of events, meaning by seeing, experiencing my partner advancing in her recovery. I realise now that our feelings, reactions, way of thinking and behaving were mirroring each other's. Things do get better with time, hang on there. Now, you cannot force your wife to go to Alanon but you can gently suggest it. what you can do is to be patient, try not to force solutions or expect things to change overnight. Focus on your recovery, follow the programme, talk to people in recovery. By doing this, you'll get better and the relationship will too, if it happens as it's happening to me, she'll start to relax, like and enjoy the new you. My partner, by following the programme is becoming, more and more loving, considerate, taking responsibilities, tries to communicate with me and she's generally getting so much better every day that I love her more and more. Now slowly I am starting to trust her more (well, she doesn't need to lie to me now). The key is for me to keep my recovery as my priority and for her (and you) is to keep hers. Trust your HP and work the steps. All the best love Jo
my partner is a recovering alcoholic/addict and been sober and clean for 3 months. I can tell you what it has been for me and hope it helps you, and no matter the differences which there will be, just focus on the similarities.
First of all, well done on your recovery, I'm happy for you and pray you'll have another sober/clean day, one day at a time. The first two weeks or so of my partner's recovery I was still very suspicious, obsessed with whether she was going to meetings or not, I didn't trust her at all and I didn't know how I felt with this person who was becoming very busy going to meetings, knowing new people that I also didn't know whether to trust or not and mainly I was always expecting to come home and find her drunk or high. Because of that, i couldn't relax very much and enjoy her sobriety because I would work myself up in preparing myself for the worst. I did that because so many times in the past I believed her, i trusted her, I thought we were going to have a lovely evening/weekend, whatever and when that didn't happen because she drank/used, i would feel so let down. Most of the times I couldn't show how upset I was and that's when my sadness would stay inside me and slowly turn into anger. Also, I was told so many lies in the past that I wouldn't believe a word she said. Memories of horrible times would come back to me without warnings and that would make me so angry! I also wanted, now that she was sober, to immediately make up for all the hurt, the drama, the horrible times we had because of her disease, I now wanted to be at the centre of attention, it wasn't that I wanted her to say sorry, which she had done in the past, that wasn't enough, I wanted facts now: I wanted her to talk to me and recognise and admit all the hurt, I wanted her to be fully functioning as if she had never been an alcoholic/addict, I wanted love, praise, I wanted her to say she would never drink/use again, she would never see her old friends again, I wanted her to go to meetings everyday and if she wasn't, it was an automatic relapse! Now, after 3 months, things have changed greatly and keep on changing all the times. What worked for me was time, patience and going to Al-anon to make me understand more and more about sobriety, her disease, my recovery, my feelings and so on. I felt things were getting worse rather than better, i felt alone and disregarded because I would come home and she was tired, still at a meeting, or so absorbed in reading a book or watching TV. I felt like I didn't exist. Time has helped me to understand how difficult recovery is for my partner and how much energy requires. I also had to learn how to let go of my old ways of reacting, thinking, processing and I managed to do that with Alanon but also by the natural course of events, meaning by seeing, experiencing my partner advancing in her recovery. I realise now that our feelings, reactions, way of thinking and behaving were mirroring each other's. Things do get better with time, hang on there. Now, you cannot force your wife to go to Alanon but you can gently suggest it. what you can do is to be patient, try not to force solutions or expect things to change overnight. Focus on your recovery, follow the programme, talk to people in recovery. By doing this, you'll get better and the relationship will too, if it happens as it's happening to me, she'll start to relax, like and enjoy the new you. My partner, by following the programme is becoming, more and more loving, considerate, taking responsibilities, tries to communicate with me and she's generally getting so much better every day that I love her more and more. Now slowly I am starting to trust her more (well, she doesn't need to lie to me now). The key is for me to keep my recovery as my priority and for her (and you) is to keep hers. Trust your HP and work the steps. All the best love Jo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yeovil, Somerset
Posts: 51
thak you for your kind and inspiring word.
I do not want to force my wife to do anything. We sleep in seperate bedrooms, and she goes out, i go out. Our lives in many respects are seperate and the thought that that may never change is very painful to stomach. However, i am sober today and plan to be so tomorrow.
I trust my wife, don't check her phone like i used to, dont feel compelled to do so either. I dont want to call her when she is out, i want her to have a good time and come back knowing she is not going to get interogated... I guess all these things take time for her to accept and for her trust to be restored...
it is eating away at me not being able to touch her or share feelings... I pray for patience.
I do not want to force my wife to do anything. We sleep in seperate bedrooms, and she goes out, i go out. Our lives in many respects are seperate and the thought that that may never change is very painful to stomach. However, i am sober today and plan to be so tomorrow.
I trust my wife, don't check her phone like i used to, dont feel compelled to do so either. I dont want to call her when she is out, i want her to have a good time and come back knowing she is not going to get interogated... I guess all these things take time for her to accept and for her trust to be restored...
it is eating away at me not being able to touch her or share feelings... I pray for patience.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Livonia, MI
Posts: 675
Originally Posted by mjln_1975
i expect that it shall take a lot longer than two weeks, ..
It takes your entire life. The compulsion to drink will lift, but, you have to be aware of your disease the rest of your life. I know exactly how you feel. Im getting the same things from my family. "Its all your fault". "Why did you not take my advice and just quit a long time ago?"
Trust me,....you know,...and believe me, SHE knows,....even though she will never admit it,...that it is NOT your fault if shes alone the rest of her life. Thats on her. If she DID go to al-anon, she would find out that its not your fault your an alcoholic anymore than its someones fault that they have cancer. People get angry,...very angry,....and they need somewhere to place it. OF COURSE they will choose the alcoholic. We are an easy target. The effects of alcoholism effect not just the addict, but the ones around them too. Thats why loved ones use words like "betrayed"...or "cheated".....or "lied to". Because this is a disease that affects THEM too. Nobody ever tells someone who has lupis that they are losers. Or get angry at someone for having cancer. But believe me,...if YOUR hair started falling out and YOU started losing rapid weight, and YOU had to be pushed around in a wheelchair because of MY cancer, you'd use words like "betrayed", and phrases like...."This is YOUR fault", too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yeovil, Somerset
Posts: 51
this morning she finally admitted she felt alone, and needed support (from me) and I subtly mentioned "technical" help as well. I think i have sown a seed in her mind that she will be able to find strength from. Another day sober, another day stronger...
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Mjln
That's good to hear, you just keep on going, you're doing great. You have got some great advice here.
Jo, that was a really beautiful and helpful post to read. Thank you.
Cathy31
x
That's good to hear, you just keep on going, you're doing great. You have got some great advice here.
Jo, that was a really beautiful and helpful post to read. Thank you.
Cathy31
x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yeovil, Somerset
Posts: 51
Thank you i do not know what would have done without your advice guys. I know have a long journey ahead of me, and do not know if i will have the companionship of my wife. But i pray for her understanding and forgiveness, and for the next day sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yeovil, Somerset
Posts: 51
my wife spoke to one of our friends (who attends AA & NA) while i was out at a meeting. She actually told me that she is very confused about how she feels and will not make any decisions until she is 150% certain it is right. I told her about jo's earlier post and she actually listened... Lots of miles to cover, and the nightmares don't stop
Another day sober, something you guys have played a part in
Another day sober, something you guys have played a part in
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: London, UK
Posts: 115
Dear MLJN
I'm glad she listened to what you told her about my eperience. I feel your wife is alone in this and naturally, she wants your support. I also wanted my partner's emotional support but I realised that sometimes she can't give it to me, especially now that she's concentrating on her recovery. Thank god I have Al-Alon where I can ind comfort, I can share and above all compare experiences. That has always made me see that i was (am) never the only one going through whatever it is, especially in the moments I think I am the only one. Have you offered to go to an Alanon meeting together? When i asked my partner and she came, I was so happpy, for me that was the support I needed: she was actually interested in finding out what i went and am going through, for once after so long, it wasn't just about her, it was about me too, it wasn't just about her disease, but the effects on me too, it wasn't just her recovery, but mine too!
Apart from that, as I said the best you can do is work on your recovery, surrender to your HP, let time take its time and hopefully things will get better. Do not put her or yourself under pressure, remember one day at a time. Are you in UK? If so, write me a PM if you want and I'll give you my phone number and, if you want, we can have a chat. I'm at work today but not doing much and alone in my room.
God, grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, courange to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. Love, Jo
I'm glad she listened to what you told her about my eperience. I feel your wife is alone in this and naturally, she wants your support. I also wanted my partner's emotional support but I realised that sometimes she can't give it to me, especially now that she's concentrating on her recovery. Thank god I have Al-Alon where I can ind comfort, I can share and above all compare experiences. That has always made me see that i was (am) never the only one going through whatever it is, especially in the moments I think I am the only one. Have you offered to go to an Alanon meeting together? When i asked my partner and she came, I was so happpy, for me that was the support I needed: she was actually interested in finding out what i went and am going through, for once after so long, it wasn't just about her, it was about me too, it wasn't just about her disease, but the effects on me too, it wasn't just her recovery, but mine too!
Apart from that, as I said the best you can do is work on your recovery, surrender to your HP, let time take its time and hopefully things will get better. Do not put her or yourself under pressure, remember one day at a time. Are you in UK? If so, write me a PM if you want and I'll give you my phone number and, if you want, we can have a chat. I'm at work today but not doing much and alone in my room.
God, grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, courange to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. Love, Jo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yeovil, Somerset
Posts: 51
She says that she cannot face "sitting in room with a load of women who have been beaten up by their drunk husbands" ie al-anon... I think she will entertain things in time, but reality is still sinking in.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by mjln_1975
I think she will entertain things in time
Keep believing you cannot decide for her when or where she will look for help.
Stay sober.
That will be your greatest ally if you and your wife are to mend your relationship.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: California
Posts: 3
Dear MJ...Keep up your good work in recovery..you are headed in the right direction and have the right attitude towards understanding your wife's point of view. Although addiction is a "selfish" thing in many ways, YOUR understanding of HER anger and pain is UNselfish...this speaks for itself. I am the wife of an addict. I am not an addict, so I confess that I can only understand the disease from an intellectual point of view, and from the perspective of a family member sufferring its devastating consequences. I can relate to your wife and how she feels. I have so much anger, so much pain, so much fear, so much loss to try to find a way to cope with. I just know my own pain will not heal overnight. Addiction not only robs the addict of their health, peace of mind, freedom, self respect,....but it creates a serious lack of trust and loss of respect in family and loved ones. I have found that the more I educate myself about the "disease" of addiction, the more I can find positive ways to cope with my anger. I am going to start with some of the family help groups soon, but I am mostly educating myself by reading at this point. I know it is going to take TIME and PATIENCE. I am not sure he will survive this and be "OK" again, but I am going to continue to CHOOSE to have HOPE that he will be. And with that hope, that I will regain trust and respect and attraction again. The fact of the matter is that a true and REAL close intimate relationship in a marriage involves the sacred bond of a covenant(family) that was promised to one another. Addiction has made this bond seem violated, broken, hurt....but given time, healing CAN happen. The best thing you can do for her is to validate her feelings whenever she gives you the opprotunity to do so. LISTEN to her and do not feel like you have to come up with the "answer" or a quick fix of any kind, but just let her know that you want more then anything, to be healed of your addiction so that you can be the man you KNOW you trully are. That you want this for yourself because you deserve to be whole and healed!...but just as much for the wellbeing and happiness of those most precious to you in life. If she knows just how precious she is, that you...in your sobriety...are now able to SEE and appreciate what treasures your family really are..that they are your "pearls of great price"...her hurt and hardened heart will have the chance to trust enough to heal bit by bit. Those of us who watch in pain and hurt and anger as our life is affected by addiction, cannot help but to have broken hearts. Hearts scarred and trying to just survive the next episode of "breaking". I think that if you keep giving her whataver she shows you that she emotionally needs...understanding, listening, validation, showing her by your continued actions how you ARE changing your life...she will slowly allow herself to HOPE again. God Bless you MJ...I am optimistic for you
...AngelLove
...AngelLove
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: helendale ca
Posts: 12
been there/still there
hi,
I'm in your wife's situation. When my husband was in AA, i wanted him to get help. Yet, i did feel so angry still. While he was drinking, i did everything. The finance, the kids, the food, the cleaning, working full-time, and dealing with him. When he was attending, I was still doing everything, and still dealing with him. I felt he was so selfish because while he was drinking it was all about him. and when he was attending AA it was still about him. my thinking at the time was, when is it my time and when will i get the help i need to keep this family going. i hope this gives a little insight.
I'm in your wife's situation. When my husband was in AA, i wanted him to get help. Yet, i did feel so angry still. While he was drinking, i did everything. The finance, the kids, the food, the cleaning, working full-time, and dealing with him. When he was attending, I was still doing everything, and still dealing with him. I felt he was so selfish because while he was drinking it was all about him. and when he was attending AA it was still about him. my thinking at the time was, when is it my time and when will i get the help i need to keep this family going. i hope this gives a little insight.
Rest In Peace
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Southern Cal
Posts: 408
Mj,
My name is Bob,nice to meet you. I just wanted to let you know I am in almost the
same circumstance as you are. It's not easy I know. I see you have already received some great advice. The hard thing for me is to realize my recovery MUST come first.
It sounds selfish and I yearn so much for my wifes acceptance and love. But Ive done much damage. To others and to myself. If I do not focus on myself right now there is no chance in hell I will ever even to be able to have a relationship. Everything takes time. All we need to focus on however is not drinking or using at this moment. Things will unfold regardless. If we are sober we have a better chance of seeing them and reacting appropriately. If we are not, we may not even see what the hells really going on.
Hang in there
peace and love
Bob
My name is Bob,nice to meet you. I just wanted to let you know I am in almost the
same circumstance as you are. It's not easy I know. I see you have already received some great advice. The hard thing for me is to realize my recovery MUST come first.
It sounds selfish and I yearn so much for my wifes acceptance and love. But Ive done much damage. To others and to myself. If I do not focus on myself right now there is no chance in hell I will ever even to be able to have a relationship. Everything takes time. All we need to focus on however is not drinking or using at this moment. Things will unfold regardless. If we are sober we have a better chance of seeing them and reacting appropriately. If we are not, we may not even see what the hells really going on.
Hang in there
peace and love
Bob
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
If there is an inkling of love left it will work out. My situation was very similar though being the alcoholic wife. One day my husband said he was done, it was over, he'd be moving out the next day. Naturally, I was mortified, scared, and still drank. We remained seperated for almost two years. When he came home on a trial basis I lasted a whole two days and continued drinking. We remained "seperated" in our own home for almost another year. In the midst of that I found SR and AA and as well as I knew I would come to be he wasn't. Now something else took up my old drinking time. AA. It took a long time for him to trust me, talk honestly with me and express what he was feeling without it turning into a major brawl. It takes our loved ones a long time to heal as there are many hurts, mistrusts and uncertainties. Sort of the price we pay I suppose. I can give you hope if your patient and give her the time and space she needs chances are good she'll come around.
I'm grateful to say I'm still sober, my husband and I are together and celebrated 25 years of marriage this past summer. Don't be a doormat but give her the time she needs to heal as well. Maybe counseling together or seperatly for her would be a good start for you both. I wish you well and will pray you remain strong during this deeply emotional time... gosh I don't want to ever feel the way your feeling again. Time does heal. *hugs*
I'm grateful to say I'm still sober, my husband and I are together and celebrated 25 years of marriage this past summer. Don't be a doormat but give her the time she needs to heal as well. Maybe counseling together or seperatly for her would be a good start for you both. I wish you well and will pray you remain strong during this deeply emotional time... gosh I don't want to ever feel the way your feeling again. Time does heal. *hugs*
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
