Is It Possible???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Victoria
Posts: 11
Is It Possible???
I am in a relationshiop with an addict of alcohol and cocaine. He is currently in rehab. He says he never wants to use again. I don't really know what to expect. I love this man with all my heart... but I am a single mother of 1. I don't want my daughter to suffer. I wish he could guarantee that he will never use again but he can't. There has been so much lying and deciet that I don't know if I can trust him. He told me that he lives day to day. What does that mean?? I want to make goals and have a future. Is this possible with someone with this disease?
Thankyou for your support everyone.
Thankyou for your support everyone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Taos, New Mexico
Posts: 67
The one day at a time concept is how we deal with our addiction. We can't control or predict what we addicts will do in a week, a month, a year....we are just holding on day by day...sometimes minute by minute.
I don't know how long you have been in this relationship. I've been married 19 years, and it is hard for my husband to trust me. Do what's best for you and your child.
I don't know how long you have been in this relationship. I've been married 19 years, and it is hard for my husband to trust me. Do what's best for you and your child.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Victoria
Posts: 11
Thankyou for replying Valeria
We have been together a year and a half... but I love him with all my heart and want to stand by him... I just worry about my him I guess... The What Ifs in my head are killing me. You know the what if he uses, what if it kills himself next time, what if he stops going to meetings. I just can't handle the emotional roller coaster that a relapse will have on me. I am scared!!
Thankyou so much Valeria
We have been together a year and a half... but I love him with all my heart and want to stand by him... I just worry about my him I guess... The What Ifs in my head are killing me. You know the what if he uses, what if it kills himself next time, what if he stops going to meetings. I just can't handle the emotional roller coaster that a relapse will have on me. I am scared!!
Thankyou so much Valeria
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Life is filled with ... what ifs
There are no gaurantees. What it comes down to... what, what ifs are you able to accept and continue the relationship with?
What if..,. a bar of soap in the shower
What if .....lightening
What if .... a building falls down
What if ....
We can make a list and drive ourself crazy with what if.
Live today with the happenings of the day. What if is an idea of tomorrow. I can't live in tomorrow, I can only live in today, this moment and at this moment...life is good, because I can deal with what is happening right now.
There are no gaurantees. What it comes down to... what, what ifs are you able to accept and continue the relationship with?
What if..,. a bar of soap in the shower
What if .....lightening
What if .... a building falls down
What if ....
We can make a list and drive ourself crazy with what if.
Live today with the happenings of the day. What if is an idea of tomorrow. I can't live in tomorrow, I can only live in today, this moment and at this moment...life is good, because I can deal with what is happening right now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yokohama, Japan
Posts: 487
I would sit down over several days and write down what you would find acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Of course look back on it and revise it as you work through your thoughts. Eventually, you should make it clear to yourself what you are willing to go through or not, for you, your daughter and your boyfriend. Of course, once you have thought it through you have something concrete to show your boyfriend. I don't mean you should use it as an ultimatum, but rather as an explanation of what you need and will accept in your life. You have to think of your and your daughter's health and safety first.
Guest
Posts: n/a
"Never again" can seem like an impossible task for an alcoholic/addict. That's why we deal with the one day at a time concept...because it's do-able...and, we don't set ourselves up for relapse/failure.
Perhaps you could plan on attending open AA meetings with him when he comes home...there are many you can even take your baby to...I used to bring my grandchildren with me regularly. Al-Anon would be helpful for you, too. You'll learn how to be supportive while at the same time doing what is best for you.
Good luck to both of you.
Perhaps you could plan on attending open AA meetings with him when he comes home...there are many you can even take your baby to...I used to bring my grandchildren with me regularly. Al-Anon would be helpful for you, too. You'll learn how to be supportive while at the same time doing what is best for you.
Good luck to both of you.
I can do this!
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Pretty lost right now
Posts: 45
Hi and Welcome to SR.
Noone can make this decision for you, or even make it any easier. My husband and I have been together almost 6 years. He was addicted to cocaine when I met him and when I asked him simply if he wanted to stop and he said yes......I really thought that would be it. When they say hind sight is 20/20 they weren't kidding.
Fast forward to today, we have 3 beautiful children, 3 year old twins and a 19 month old son. My husband has been to detox 3 different times, been to a rehab once, been arrested for possesion, violated his probation, served 10 days for that, quit on his own with no program 3 different times the longest being the most recent time when he abstained from cocaine for 10 months and here we are today and he is actively using again. Almost nightly. Would be nightly if his body didn't need that day/night in between to sleep it off.
I've heard every promise known to man. I'm really done this time, this time I really mean it, this time you'll see, I hate that **** now, there's a wall between that and me, just the thought of it makes me sick, I can't believe I let myself get that way again and on and on and anon it goes.
Do I love my husband? Yes. Do I have a lot of regrets? Yes. Am I happy in my marriage to him? No. Would I do all of this again if I knew what the future held? Nope. If I was financially able would I leave him today? Yes.
We all want that gaurantee that this time they really are serious and will never use again. Unfortunately there is never a gaurantee with this disease. They take it one day at a time and yet it is incurabe. Meaning regardless of how much clean time they have, there is always a chance they will use again. More often than not basically against their will. Meaning a part of them doesn't really want to yet the obsession takes over.
If he seriously works his program and abstains from all mind altering substances there is a chance for you to have that happy future you want with him.
However if he doesn't and he continues to use......you can expect the lying to continue, you can expect to hide your valuables (checkbook, money, car keys, anything pawnable etc) for the rest of your relationship, you can expect many lonely nights wondering if he's ok, if he's coming home, if he's been arrested etc, you can expect many arguements between you both (which will most definatley affect your daughter at some point), you can expect to be let down almost anytime you have any expectations on him to do what he says, you can expect for him to blame you for everything wrong in his life (even though it's not your fault, it's just his disease talking), you can expect to not be able to depend on him financially, you can expect imporant dates like birthdays and anniversaries to be filled with hurt and letdowns........I could go on and on but this is some of what I've received from my husband over the years.
I'm not trying to scare you or make your mind up for you, but I will be honest. If I had this to do all over again I would have ran for the hills and never looked back.
Pray and ask God to guide you into doing what is best for you and your daughter. Pray for His will in your life. Feel free to email me privately if you'd like at kathysctc******.com
Noone can make this decision for you, or even make it any easier. My husband and I have been together almost 6 years. He was addicted to cocaine when I met him and when I asked him simply if he wanted to stop and he said yes......I really thought that would be it. When they say hind sight is 20/20 they weren't kidding.
Fast forward to today, we have 3 beautiful children, 3 year old twins and a 19 month old son. My husband has been to detox 3 different times, been to a rehab once, been arrested for possesion, violated his probation, served 10 days for that, quit on his own with no program 3 different times the longest being the most recent time when he abstained from cocaine for 10 months and here we are today and he is actively using again. Almost nightly. Would be nightly if his body didn't need that day/night in between to sleep it off.
I've heard every promise known to man. I'm really done this time, this time I really mean it, this time you'll see, I hate that **** now, there's a wall between that and me, just the thought of it makes me sick, I can't believe I let myself get that way again and on and on and anon it goes.
Do I love my husband? Yes. Do I have a lot of regrets? Yes. Am I happy in my marriage to him? No. Would I do all of this again if I knew what the future held? Nope. If I was financially able would I leave him today? Yes.
We all want that gaurantee that this time they really are serious and will never use again. Unfortunately there is never a gaurantee with this disease. They take it one day at a time and yet it is incurabe. Meaning regardless of how much clean time they have, there is always a chance they will use again. More often than not basically against their will. Meaning a part of them doesn't really want to yet the obsession takes over.
If he seriously works his program and abstains from all mind altering substances there is a chance for you to have that happy future you want with him.
However if he doesn't and he continues to use......you can expect the lying to continue, you can expect to hide your valuables (checkbook, money, car keys, anything pawnable etc) for the rest of your relationship, you can expect many lonely nights wondering if he's ok, if he's coming home, if he's been arrested etc, you can expect many arguements between you both (which will most definatley affect your daughter at some point), you can expect to be let down almost anytime you have any expectations on him to do what he says, you can expect for him to blame you for everything wrong in his life (even though it's not your fault, it's just his disease talking), you can expect to not be able to depend on him financially, you can expect imporant dates like birthdays and anniversaries to be filled with hurt and letdowns........I could go on and on but this is some of what I've received from my husband over the years.
I'm not trying to scare you or make your mind up for you, but I will be honest. If I had this to do all over again I would have ran for the hills and never looked back.
Pray and ask God to guide you into doing what is best for you and your daughter. Pray for His will in your life. Feel free to email me privately if you'd like at kathysctc******.com
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