Dstruggler

Why do we addicts find it necessary to hit rock bottom and lose everything over and over again.When do we learn we suck at this.I can't speak for everyone but I myself have been struggling with addiction for 19 yrs. during this time I got clean here and there only to find myself worst off each time.It is true every time we go back out it gets worst everytime I am living proof.I have been to meetings never got past step 4,I don't know what it is about that step that scares me,maybe it's bringing up all those things I used the drugs to forget.Drugs have isolated me from the world thats why I have a hard time with the fellowship of N.A it,s not the meetings them self which I enjoy,it's after the meetings I have found it hard to open up and hang around after meetings,and I feel so guilty about that.they must think I am a real jerk,this is not who I want to be this is the effects of drug abuse.I have had a couple of sponsors they were not strong enough to call me on my BS here we go again not much time clean but god how I want it for ever.No more pitty partys no more feeling bad about the things I have lost I am still here and still alive enough to know I can't keep trying to go back out next time I might not be able to make it back to gripe...

Phinneas

Yup, Dstruggler, you are so right. We don't always make it back. We gotta go to those meetings for ourselves and hunker down and do the deed. That's how we get well. That's how we STAY clean and sober.

Sounds like you're in a good place - determined. That will serve you well. Now, take some action.

Welcome to SR, Dstruggler. Glad you're here.

sherbear5104

(((Dstruggler)))

I can relate. I have been trying to get clean since 1992. I have had time here and there. I was never really ready to totally surrender, though. I always thought I would find the loophole that we all look for. The easir softer way. That's the way that has the most pain. Change is not easy, but I need it in my life. I want this to be the last time I quit. You with me, D?

Sherry

KelKel

Hi DS
I so understand your quandary.... I too have wondered to myself what it is that really holds some of us more stubborn addicts in our addictions and wallowing in hell.
I have found that it is easier for me to tackle one day at a time.
Glad you are here... hope you will find something special here... I know I have.

raerob

I relapsed only once after four months (so far...since there are no guarantees). But, I made the mistake in early sobriety of comparing instead of identifying. I would see people go out time and time again, and keep coming back like AA had revolving doors. I started thinking, "Why can't they stay sober? Maybe I'm not that bad. Maybe I'm not really an alcoholic." I was comparing myself to the repeat relapsers...big mistake!!!

When I came back to the rooms after my second detox in four months, I started identifying with those who had good long-term sobriety...they had gotten sober and learned how to stay sober for many years, but one day at a time. I learned that relapse is not a prerequisite for sobriety...If we just keep coming, we won't have to keep coming back.

I have a healthy fear of picking up again; because I don't think I would be able to get up the nerve to come back, so I would probably just drink myself to death and be done with it!!!

TexasDawn

Rock bottom can mean different things to different people. This past time my drinking habit was actually safer than the last time, because this time I vowed to stay at home and drink, instead of going out to bars like i use to and then driving home drunk at 2am. My husband didn't like that needless to say. And now my kids are getting old enough to recognize a drinking problem. My rock bottom this time was nothing major like a dui or anything like that. My rock bottom this time was merely my own sense of shame when I realized how out of control it was getting again and that I was setting a poor example to my kids, one of whom is a young teenager. And I homeschool for God's sake! Is that what I want to be teaching my kids?! No. So I quit again. Even though I only drank at night (i.e. never during the day or during school hours..........just drank in the evenings to relax). Although the last time I drank I did wake up with a hangover - not a very good school day let me tell ya. Anyway......... that was my rockbottom this time.


The only thing good that I can hope comes from this is that my kids will have a vague memory of my struggles with alcohol and maybe it will make them be more wary of it when they are older. Also they pray for me, and in their own way they are being supportive of my sobriety too. I gotta believe that God will bring good from it all. I love my kids so much and I am not gonna let alcohol take away the privilege of homeschooling them.

Peace & Love,
Texas D