chancho

I just registered a few minutes ago, and don't know how this works very well. this is my first message,and i guess, I'm looking for support.I have been drinking since I was a teenager and only have been sober during my pregnancies(thank god).It has been getting bad since a couple of years ago, i don't get into trouble, I'm the type that drinks and ends up falling asleep and not remembering what was rhe last thing i did before passing out, but I have started drinking in the mornings, several times a week, and what really has devastated me is that my children are very affected and one of my twins has begged me to stop and said that if his dad and I would get divorced, he woulden't like to stay with me because I;m a person that is always drunk and that he constantly worried about me and only can relax when I fall asleep.I knew I had a severe problem with alcoho;, but as every alcoholic, I was in denial thinking that people didn't realize how drunk I really was. I feel bad, because he has been failing in school, and I thought that it was because he was lazy and not interested, but as a friend told me, that might be true, but he would be in much better shape if you weren't drinking.His twin brother doesn't say much , but I learned that they both talk a lot about what will happen to them if this goes on.On top of it all I also have a grown daughter from my first marriage, who upon turning 21 went back to our country of origin and has always hated that I drink. I only been sober today, and its because I' working a 24 hour shift.usually when I go back home the next day, I drink all day long and this time I have made the decision not to do it, but I'm scared. I even felt angry during these past days after learning what my children had said and acted very irritable, and was anxious.I drank less, only some wine, but I still drank.

Midas

Welcome Aboard, Chancho! We're glad you're here. You have come to the right place to get support. Maybe post an intro thread in the newcomer section so you'll be easily noticed! Read the other sticky notes for tons of info too. Here's a quick link to start a new thread there;
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...newthread&f=43

Making the decision to quit is hard...and taking the first step towards sobriety is sometimes very frightful. You can do it!

NEEDTOBESOBER

Having a dilemma if I am really a fullblown alcoholic or not- the last3 yrs or so I was drinking a lot due to family problems-i guess it was my way of coping-I have also been on anti-anxiety meds for about 4 yrs. I have had 3 DWI's in my life, 2 within the last 3 years and the 1st when I was 18, which was 20 yrs ago. Now when I was in my early 20's, I drank everyday for about a couple of years, I went several years with either not drinking at all, probably about 6 months at a time and other times I would just drink on the weekends-some people think I am a bingedrinker-and I have been able to drink in moderation in different times in my life or go for awhile without drinking, I remember once going at leas 1 year without drinking at all-so does anybody have any comments or advice they can share with me?

Midas

Creating new thread for wider response, NTBS.

zara28

So I fell down a little over a week ago.Went on an almighty binge.I came home about 12pm the next day.Had a one night stand (protected) but still coming to terms with the fact that he wasnt drunk and that he took advantage of me AND he wanted to see me the next night!!!Ugh.... I could hardly walk I was so hung over.So I begin again.One week and nearly 2 days sober.Im in therapy for alcoholism and my childhood trauma,that I wont go into.All I can say is that I have been whipping myself senseless for far too long.I live in the city(I just moved here)Im 28 and alcohol has got me by the neck.I am moving away for the city as soon as I can find somewhere as Im in recovery and cant be anywhere near a bar.Ive realised that I am completely powerless over alcohol and am also looking for a different AA home group (as the other one wasnt for me).
So I love this site and all the warm and welcoming (non judgemental) people on this site.Sometimes I just want to be locked away,as I dont want to make anymore mistakes.

2dayzmuse

(((Zara)))

Welcome. You sound like a wise woman who recognizes you have a problem and want help. Kudos for looking for a new home group instead of just giving up on AA as a whole. I wish you luck. Keep fighting and keep coming back.

As far making mistakes, we all do. Just try to learn from them. That is all we can do. I think you will find that you will make less and less mistakes once you give up alcohol for good. There is something about drinking and trouble. They seem to go hand in hand. Take care...

Midas

Thanks for sharing a bit, Zara28. Welcome aboard! I hear you about the trauma...I won't go there either. It's tough dealing with a painful past.

If you're looking to move into a rural area, unfortunately, you'll find bars and taverns there too--just not as many. My AA homegroup is right across the street from a dirty little bar I used to drive by all the time! I just don't GO THERE any more.

Being human, we are prone to make mistakes. We're not perfect. Far from it! We're not saints, either. I've made some really stupid mistakes in sobriety. I shamefully admit it. At least most of them aren't the same old stupid mistakes. They are completely new and different stupid mistakes, so that provides me with a bit of variety.
:andy:

2dayzmuse

You know what they say Midas? Variety is the spice of life. You never know unless you take a chance? Sober mistakes must be better then drunken ones. Wouldn't you think? Hmmmm...

Midas

LoL. I'll agree, yeah.

Sometimes I think I was more functional when I was actively drinking, but I know that's an outright deception of the alcoholic mind. I'm just not as dysfunctional as used to be.

One Day At A Time, Sweet Bejeezus!!

sktrchik25

thats good that you shared your story with all of us, its very touching

Nevyn

This resonates for me. I keep going in circles and coming back to the realization that I do not want to quit. I like how the dope makes me feel.

I don't know what it will take to scare me enough to make me want to quit.

I lost my son.
Walking a knife edge of losing my wife.
Almost lost my life.
Pretty sure I have lost my self respect right there.

What do I have to lose to hit bottom? I can't do this anymore.

Midas

Thx sktrchic.

Nevyn: How far does your bottom go? You'll know when you get there.

Some addicts have a brief moment of clarity that wakes their arse up (this usually occurs when their head makes contact with the proverbial rock bottom). Unfortunately, that clarity can be seen as a bad trip & it ends up killing you in the process.

Two Fates--One Choice.

GoshinJ

I started drinking around the age of 15. I drank at parties and everything throughout high school and never used anything other than pot. I started at a community college when I was 18 and totally didn't like my choice, aviation mechanics. This was very boring and not interesting to me at all. So I decided to go back to the community college and take regular classes and figure out what I wanted to do. I think I changed my major 3-4 times before ending on exercise and sport science. I graduated in August of 2005 with a bachelor's in science degree. It seems like I have been in college forever and I still don't understand exactly what I want to do. Throughout these years I would drink at parties and pretty much on every weekend. I started looking forward to going to these parties so that I could drink. After graduation and before then even, I had a habit of going out and drinking at bars until I was totally hammered. It didn't matter to me that I was so messed up and I would drive home anyway, eventhough my friends or even the bartender would caution me otherwise. I am now 27 years old, I hold a BS in Exercise and Sport Science and have no idea what I want to do with my life. Since I graduated in August of 2005, I have had many problems figuring out what I want to do with my life. Since then, I have pretty much drank every night and it has escalated into alcoholism I believe. I used to drink a 6 pack of tall boys of icehouse a day and now I have got into liquor and I usually drink a pint or more when I have the liquor. I just want to get back what I had before. Great friends, confidence, happiness, and a love of life that I once had. I know there are people on this message board that can help me, and for that, I thank you very much from the bottom of my heart, thank you,

Jeremy

Midas

Welcome Aboard, Jeremy! We're glad you're here. Congrats on graduation! I'm 38 and still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life too. I'm not getting any younger...and sure as hell not getting any prettier, either. LoL. That's a different matter. Thanks for briefly sharing your story. If you're looking for feedback, inspiration, and help, you've come to the right place!!

Getting your life back begins with a desire to quit. I hope you find the answers you seek.

aloneagainor

I've heard that when a person takes the turn onto the path of using alcohol/ drugs, they turn off the path of growing emotionally and spiritually. The drug is a substitute filler, replacing the time and energy and mind that could (not necessarily would mind you) otherwise be invested in emotional and spiritual growth. They leave that potential growth behind to instead grow their addiction. The longer you follow a trail, the farther into that direction you go. It IS possible to backtrack, provided you still have the energy and desire and health and mind to do so. But only if you're willing. It's a choice. Choose your direction. The good people here at SR provide you with a compass, in "feedback, inspiration, and help". (don't let Midas' modesty fool you, he's a beautiful person!) Wishing you well being, and peace.

Midas

Nevermind my false modesty and false piety. I'm really quite harmless. That thing about turning objects to gold...well...sure it's a gift of the gods. It's a curse.

Thanks Aloneagainor. You're lovely too.

stormyknight

Look at all the good stuff they manage to crunch into this hit TV series 24. Yet no matter the highs or lows, our boy Jack manages to keep his ship afloat as he courageously encounters the obstacles in his wake. His fears, trepidations and uncertainty are swept aside as his friends at CTU and elsewhere lend the support he needs to help vanquish his enemies. This is crucial to his 24 hour survival and the beliefs he holds protecting himself and the lives of the people in his country.

Im the son of an alcoholic mother, the grandson of an alcoholic grandfather. I think the issue probably predates them as well. Im 50 now and started drinking when i was 18 in college. I remember as a teenager I vowed I would never succumb to the weaknesses I saw before me. Yet things change and it was in a peer setting I became accustomed to this behavior and my craving for beer. At the same time I also picked up cigarette smoking.

Over the years I managed to put myself enough into the closet so there werent serious ramifcations for my behavior. Certainly, there were some for my wife of thirty years and both my daughters who have achieved success seemingly without a major effect from my repeating patterns. Unlike me, none seem to be dependent upon anything to grasp the fortitude to pull through a day. All seem adjusted and the family is intact.

I can remember when I was younger imploring my mother to give it up. Unfortunately, when she passed I could never forgive her for past transgressions and missed that opportunity to face both our similar problems together. I was in denial about myself and I suppose it seemed easier to blame her and not even be part of her life when she died.

When my daughters began to grow I began to focus more and more on giving up cigarettes. I knew 2nd hand smoke was damaging. I must have tried to quit more than one hundred times. But finally during a period when I was able to combine cleaning out my system with good exercise and a positive outlook I got beyond the hump. I had smoked for nearly 20 years. Man did it feel good to get that monkey off my back.

When the girls became older I started my own business. Still the animal was in the closet. However, the older I became, the fact I didn't have to contain my behavior because the kids had grown and left, because I could set my own goals and be my own boss I began to delude myself more and more. It became a Jeckyl and Hyde scenario. I never felt I had to take a drink in the morning. Ten years ago I had also given up beer. But that became replaced by wine. Two bottles became the nightly norm and three on occassion. I became a functioning alcoholic. One night I rolled over a vehicle and walked from it. I was in work the next day. But it became more and more clear I was losing the person who I was and wanted to be. I didnt feel good anymore no matter the fact I somewhat exercised, ate the right things and was somewhat successful.

The demon is between my ears. I dont think the things outside our heads change all that much. Its the perception we have of them. One mans fears is another ones minor irritation and so forth. I feel good about my 24 when I have the strength to come together and appreciate all the blessings in my life. Its been several times Ive tried to give up the wine. Ive done it for six months, three months and on and off for weeks here and there. I know now its a daily and lifelong endeavor.

Its just been today now and its the greatest 24 I can think of. I intend to stay tuned and catch all the episodes. I know Jack will make it and I intend to too!

rose petals

yeah for you stormy night!!!--hang in there and keep posting--alcoholism is a tough bastard i know--take care
Laura

Midas

Welcome aboard, stormyknight. Glad you're here!

I'm amazed some days I make it the whole 24 hours without caving in. Lately, it's a real struggle. Hang in there!!

aloneagainor

So true! Our perceptions are our reality. I'm continually reminded that drug/ alcohol addiction is a disease of perception, and how active engagement into it DISTORTS reality, morphing it into something that it is not. Resutling in a terrible mess of negative repercussions, through misperception of others, and an inability to understand oneself. We become blind to reality of the Whole, separating us from others and from our own mind and spirit. What good is that. A friend recently reminded me of the grand importance of connections with other people, both the familiar old and the unfamiliar new. Those connections are fundamental to the health of our mind, body, and spirit. Interconnectedness. What we can learn from others, and give of ourselves TO others.

I think we all struggle with wanting to escape it all, it's an ongoing daily choice to decide. Inside our own heads I think active addicts live lives of quiet desperation, the fight is always ON. It's becoming increasingly apparent to me that if there is to be peace, one needs to get beyond the internalized silence and retreat, step outside their own head, to allow clearer perception to enter in. Through connections with others. There are very good people here who are open and willing and compassionate...

Love this connecting thread, Midas!