ahagain

Hello everyone, I am new here. I guess I should start with my history of addiction. I began drinking in high school and was drinking heavily during college. When I was about 24 my then boyfriend (now ex-husband) and I quit cold turkey after a vicious argument. We were sober for 11 years. Never a slip up. Some people tell me that we really weren't sober because we didn't attend AA. All I know is that for 11 years I wasn't abusing my body physically and that has to count for something! Fast forward 11 years. By this time we had two children, ages 2 and 3. We were living a long distance from our family and friends in a place we really didn't like. I decided one day that we could probably resume drinking "socially" because we had been able to quit for so long. Well, you probably know the rest of the story. The drinking became worse and worse. Although we moved back to our home town and and things were presumably better, we continued to drink. We were separated in November 2004 due to his trying to choke me and were finally divorced in October 2005 (he would not sign papers before then). So currently I am a single parent of two, ages 8 and 9. I work as a teacher. I understand what Sheribell said about feeling like I deserve to drink. And getting a 6-pack and then going out for another! I'm relieved to see that someone else had done that. I too can easily drink a bottle of wine, if not two. I am getting scared sober because of recent blackouts where I have said extremely nasty things to my children (which I would never do sober). I have also had minor accidents at home such as falling and cutting my head open or spraining arms. I think my guilt is compounded by the fact that I am a mother of young kids and a teacher as well. I feel like I am supposed to be a perfect role model but am far from it. I work with "disadvantaged" kids and I am constantly preaching to them about their addictive behaviors yet I feel like a hypocrite. So far, my problem is pretty well hidden but I feel like the %^$# is going to hit the fan any time. I can't keep up the facade too much longer. I haven't had a drink for four days.

Midas

Welcome Aboard, ahagain! We're glad you're here! Congrats on the sober time you've collected so far!!

Make yourself at home & stuff. Be sure to read through all the sticky notes for tons of information and reassurance.

stillbitter

Hello. I'm new to this, but here goes.
I have been sober for two days, but it seems much longer. I have drank most days for the past 13 years. I have tried to quit many times, and promised my family many more times. The physical aspects of withdrawal aren't as bad as coming to grips with the guilt and shame that I feel. My wife left me two weeks ago, and as much as I'd like to drown, and use my strong denial skills to make it her fault, I'm trying to make different choices. My biggest fear (one of many) is the fear of failure. One day at a time-I used to think that such a cliche! I know that I have been in a fog for years and I want to stay sober. I've tried to control it in so many ways, counting beers, only drinking on certain days, but it comes back with a vengance. But I've never tried a support group before so maybe it will help. Many of your stories already have. Need to focus on positive things for once.

Midas

Welcome Aboard, stillbitter! The first step is often the most difficult--realizing the problem for what it is. Sorry about your wife. I can empathize all too well, for both sides of that situation. It hurts. Making the decision to get sober is the best thing you can do for yourself. Sometimes we fail at the effort, but we must regain composure and carry on.

Congrats on the sober time you've collected so far! Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life! This path we walk, is not always going to be smoothly paved. It can be a tough challenge--things do get better--but not always easier.

A great site for AA info;
http://silkworth.net/aahistory/historyaa.html

The first two weeks can be very difficult, if you were a chronic imbiber like me...but stop and consider what led you up to this point, and remember it always. Don't ever forget your last drink.



Fear kills. Don't let it stop you from winning your life back. Our addiction causes us to F*(expletive) Everything And Run. And when we confront our fears, we can turn it around.

I used to think AA was a boring roomfull of worn-out shriners who couldn't hold their liquor. But was I ever in for a surprise! AA is for winners! Not WHINERS!

~Peace Be With You~

theoz

On Thursday Evening 1/26/06 I Got Drunk as usual after work. This has been going on for some years now. I would get off work and then get home and then hit the drink. My long time friend of the time and also smoke some weed at times. I have been fighting anxiety and have learned to bypass that untill this very night. I went to bed and woke up at 6:30 am Friday morning thinking I was dying. For this week I was starting to cut myself back from 2-3 40oz a night/ sometime a 12 pack or more to drinking a six pack. Well my body did not like this idea. On my way to work that morning I felt like I was going to have a Heart Attack and Had all symptoms of this. Well I missed work that day and drove myself to the Hospital and They admitted me for these symtoms that I have showed. I found myself hit rock bottom and have taken along time to realize that I am an alcoholic and a bad one at that. I have been out of the Hospital since Saturday and Sober since Friday 27, 06 and feel a large void in my life right now and get many weird and overwellming feelings at times. The shakes, anxiety, upset stomach, and at times feel weak. I try to fill myself with food now and try to think of things to do and my mind races like crazy. At time feel like I am going to lose my mind, My head hurts and I feel as if I lost my best friend that was with me on many lonely nights. Now I sit up and cant sleep and get scared that I will drop dead at any time because of the over whelming anxiety like my heart is going to pop out of my chest onto the floor, I feel lost but know I am going to be better and just have to fight it and be strong, Scared and Lost as everywhere is the friend of mine and it pleasures others than me now, but I know that it is better to leave it alone as it hurt me and friends should not hurt. It is 12:35am Tue morning and am almost a full 5 days sober now and cant sleep. The stories here have helped me see I am not the only one fighting this and the feelings I have I am not alone. Tears at times fill my eyes for no reason and that of happiness and sadness. I am on a rollercoaster ride to better health and free mind again that was once clouded, I did almost everything drinking, and hard to do anything without thinking of it. I have decided not to take sleeping pills as I may get addicted to them and want to kick these issues even with the pain I feel now. As I am in a place that is very far away from meetings and am unable to afford treatment I must defeat it myself and life outside of the bottle once again. It will be another long night and am happy the once so called friend is gone, now just to move on. This is helping me as I read others in their own situations and I was able to blurb my own. Maybe it will help someone, Maybe it will just help me to get it out myself. THANK YOU GOD for another chance at life and my family.

Life is a blur without the drink, So why Blur it more as it will all be forgotten.

Midas

Welcome Aboard, Theoz! We're glad you're here. Congrats on your 5 days clean so far!!! That's almost a week! Be sure to read the sticky-notes about "What to Expect";
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ect-47857.html

The physical and psychological withdrawals can really stress your body's resources. Detoxing at home can be dangerous and sometimes deadly. Keep your phone nearby in case you need to call 911. Most of the annoying signs of Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome begin disappearing after the first couple weeks through the first 30 days. Alleviation of some symptoms take longer than others. Like sleep. I still struggle with it periodically & I've been dry for 3 years. It sucks. But I am getting my life back--slowly.

It's a rollercoaster ride all right. But this one ain't fun.

Your emotions may run rampant for a couple weeks & you'll probably feel like you're going completely nutz. LOL. THAT'S NORMAL! It'll go away soon enough. Eat light meals at first and snack often. Your sugar cravings might go ballistic, so keep some candies handy. Then you can graduate to naturally sweet foods like your favorite fruits.

If you don't have any favorite fruits, buy some. Oh, and about killing time so you can keep your mind occupied...devote some time to a hobby. If you don't have a hobby, find one.


That's the rule of thumb I always reminded myself of. It helped.

Midas

Minor corrections:

The "What to Expect" Section;

Quitting: What to expect


Regarding Symptoms & Such;

Most major symptoms typically dissipate within a year. The minors ones fade away gradually and you may not even notice because your body is regenerating metastatically. However, your individual mileage may vary.

Another link takes you directly to a government website;

Welcome to NIAAA Official Information and FAQ's
National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism

ahagain

Well, I'm back. Six days without a drink. I haven't had a craving until this afternoon. It hit me out of nowhere. My drive home took about twice as long as usual because of the weather. Out of the blue I thought I might deserve a few beers. I tried to justify it but as Midas said, I remembered my last drink and how bad it was. I can't believe I drove past the store! I guess I'm lucky because I'm not having many physical symptoms (besides headaches). I think that is because I am more of a binge drinker rather than chronic. The sweets thing is crazy. I stopped at the store yesterday morning for a box of Junior Mints. Today I ate a bag of M&M's and other candy. I'm not usually a sweet eater. I liked the FEAR acronym. Running is what I do best. I have a question about guilt. I have plenty of guilt about things I have done and said while drunk. However, do most alcoholics have guilt about everything? I spend a lot of time beating up on myself about anything. For instance, both my kids had strep throat recently. I missed 2 1/2 days of work to stay home. Everyone at work was fine with it and hoped the kids were better. But I spent a lot of my time at home imagining that people thought I was a slacker or loser for missing work. No one at work was upset about my absences and some told me to stop worrying and imagining things. That is just one example of how I manufacture guilt.

Midas

6 Days! That's a good start!! Keep it up. The Alcoholic Autopilot is very sinister, you gotta watch yourself...I always drove to the liquor store seemingly on pure subconscious power alone.

Dealing with guilt will come later. Simply by staying sober, is one way of mending. The real amends will follow in due time. Be careful about taking too much absent time off--I became too complacent and it cost me my job.
About making amends and apologies for the wreckage...I'm just now getting into a very long, drawn-out process of repairing the bits and pieces of a demolished relationship. I never imagined it would be happening--I prayed for it a LOT--but I never dared to think it would actually come to pass. It's particularly challenging and stressful. I bow upon bended knee to the Grace & Understanding of my Higher Power.

And I'm STILL NOT DRINKIN'!! I am resolute and obstinate in my defiance. Keep Coming Back, It Works!!

~Peace Be With You~

Midas

Over the past few weeks, I've come to realize another fear. And this one particular form is very insidious.

Fear of the Truth.

Sometimes, when we get comfortable in our disease, we don't like having our protective layers or "covers pulled off" so to speak. Truth is a good thing, but our addictive mind tells us to deny it when it may cause so much upheaval in the so-called "truths" we have already set our minds to.

Just a few thoughts for today.

~Peace Be With You~

nightingale

Midas said: No kidding! Been going through that just this week myself with these amends I've been involved in, it's funny you should bring this up.

I pretty much consider myself to be a realistic romantic because while I enjoy romance in my life, I'm also very realistic about it when it comes to my relationships. Those that know me well will attest that I am not one to walk in denial, no matter how painful reality might be.

As various memories have been returning and have been shared between me and this other person, there have been some painful elements to reconcile. I realized that I'd seen the entire first part of the relationship (before it all went to hell) as "all good" and had unrealistically idealized it and him; and had seen the second part of it and him as "all bad".

He shared some things that pretty much began blowing that whole "all good" season apart and I was very upset over it. I've gone through the whole range of emotions over it and even last night began to realize after doing some more writing, that I had to lay down my own pre-conceived and long-standing beliefs as being completely unrealistic.

I've begun to realize that the "all good" season/man had some bad, and the "all bad" season/man also had some good, too. It's been difficult to accept but I'm glad that my image of the past has been shattered and will continue to be shattered. It really needed to be. I know that as more truth comes out, I'll have to continue to walk this out, but it's truth I seek because that's what will truly bring the most healing and reconciliation on the inside of us, where it counts.

antipas144

Hello,

It's a very good witness! Thank you!
Is it true that after 2 years the strong will to use drugs or alcohol go out?
I never passed of one year clean for 20 years ago without alcohol or drugs ):
About your biblical quote, don't forget that "Again it is written":
Regards,
Antipas144

Midas

Bem vindo, Amigo! Obrigado. Geralmente após dois anos do "sobriety", o desejo forte é idos. Trabalhando as ajudas das etapas para remover os impusos.

FaithToBeFound

Just wanted to say hello, I am new here, and new to recovery as well. I am having problems with a couple addictions, but am trying to work through them day at a time. I just need some support. Thanks.

FaithToBeFound

I am reading through these posts and can relate to almost every single one of them. I began drinking, then it became every other day, to give me a day to recover, then it was everyday, i started recovering by drinking again. Stupid! I would drink a six pack and abouta glass of wine, then It got up to a six pack and a bottle of wine, drinking until i was getting myself so messed up I had the spins. I live alone and drank alone most of the time, sending nasty emails or getting upset with my friends online for no reason at all, only b/c i was wasted.. again..STUPID...now that I talk about this, I realize i might have a problem. So much more to type but need to get working. Hope others out there relate and we can help each other. I havent had a drink in 4 days and feel wonderful....going to try for 5 !

Midas

Welcome Aboard, FaithToBeFound! Glad you found us here. Congrats on your sober time so far! 4 days!! At one point, I had trouble putting even 2 sober days together. There are lots of folks here that will bend your ear (in a good way) without even asking. Admitting you have a problem is the biggest step you can possibly take.

Make yourself at home!

aloneagainor

Just when it gets to the point that I'm certain it's hopeless and there's no point in trying to come clean or even think about trying anymore, something comes into view and I reconsider...again. Since stumbling across SR (or perhaps it was no accident, rather, it was time to find it) a couple weeks ago I've vascillated back and forth on that thinking in wild extremes on both sides. My mind beating itself up, but neither side has yet claimed victory. So I keep the options open and feed it with material and ideas I BELIEVE I want to go, when my THINKING isn't busy running the show. The devious mind of an addict, so amazingly deceptive, coercive, distorting, and distorted. Hard to know what to believe with that filtration system clouding every neuron synapse. This place is a minefield in active war. I'd like to give PEACE a chance here.

I read through this entire thread and can hear myself in most every entry. It appears I'm not so alone in my thinking as I thought. Hiding and Running and FEAR, oh my! Maybe it doesn't HAVE to be that way. It's my thinking that I'm stuck here. I'm believing that it is possible to move beyond this obsession, with hiding from the truth, and with drugs, that do appear to be one in the same. So to give up one the other would likely go too. Maybe without the hiding the need for drugs might not seem so compelling? And to give up the drugs maybe the hiding wouldn't seem so necessary? Is that line of thinking the start for potential freedom from this all-consuming mindset?

Midas

Sometimes that little experience called an 'epiphany' or sudden revelation, can be so subtle at first, then it explodes inside your head...LIKE WOW!! Why didn't I come to this conclusion earlier? Because we're too busy jumping from one vain & contrived conclusion to the next, that's why.

The little voice--(if you hear one like I did)--It asks you things like "...maybe things would be different if I quit drinking after all...?"

I didn't want to quit. I was morbidly afraid to. I knew I had to quit and couldn't. Once I did quit, it was like ripping half of my soul away and I felt so naked for the first few months. The grief was intense. Going to AA daily (and sometimes more often) during the first 90 days of sobriety taught me how to deal with *not* drinking for the long-term. Basically, you don't deal with it on a huge scale--it WILL BURY YOU.

Take it one day at a time.
I don't have yesterday--It's gone.
I don't have tomorrow--it's not here yet.
All I have is today. And even that isn't guaranteed.

Hang in there, Aloneagainor! You can do it.

aloneagainor

These explosions, or implosions as they so feel, DO so cloud my thinking it DOES feel like I'm buried under the ashey residue. Sometimes a wind (a breath!) comes along and clears the air just long enough I'm reminded there is light on the other side...but then my own thinking takes over and I freeze in place, can't take that seemingly insurmountable next step, and the haze reforms with the next pacifying inhalation. Morbidly afraid, indeed. Midas, you hear what I'm saying, about "ripping half my soul away", and the resulting grief for that loss so intense. I'm here, in full, today. It's freezing cold outside but the sun is shining, so there is hope. I think there is hope in connecting with good people, maybe going in that direction might help fill the void. Giving this a try, it's why I'm here today.

Midas

I'm glad you're here. It's a difficult journey, this path called sobriety. It's a sigh of relief to know there are others willing to walk it with you. No?