mandy296

hello,
this is my first thread and i thank anyone who is reading. my father has been an alcoholic since i can remember. i am 26 years old and still finding it hard to deal with his problem. Nobody in my family has confronted my father ever. my mother is still married to him and is miserable. i do not have a healthy relationship with either of my parents and find it hard to remember when i ever did. i am now married and have an eight month old child of my own. my parents have always tried to control my brother and i. they have always put us down if we do something they do not approve of. when in reality they should try to fix their own problems instead creating more for us. i married a man from another country and his father was in some trouble with the law. nothing violent and was actually acquitted of all the charges. my parents have always violated my privacy and when i told them i was moving to my husband country they did background checks on all of his family and found out some things about his father. they gave me hell for leaving and just today my father wrote me a letter telling me i am a dissappointment to him as a father and that he wished he never gave me a proper wedding. their is much more to this situation but i have summed it up as much as possible so that you get too bored if your reading. if anyone has any advice on this situation i would greatly appreciate it. i am ready to seriously cut my parents out for good this time. i am an adult with my own family now. i am a good, caring person and do not deserve to be belittle by my parents like i am twelve years old again. thank you......mandy

BeginAgain

Hi Mandy. Hi hear ya..sounds like you are telling my story. I'm 37 and I have just started working on this part of my life through therapy. What I've found is that in addition to being an alcoholic and addict my dad has Personality Disorder. Which personality disorder? All of them. Seriously - he has components of almost every single one.

He controlled me as a child and has controlled me as an adult - though in more subtle ways. Like I am grown with my own home and children so he can't really read my mail and tape my phone conversations any more, he can't keep me up until 2am telling me what's wrong with me and my mother and if we would just "do it his way" we would be "normal" (he did this from the age of about 10 all the way up). He can create crisis in his life which I allowed to create crisis in mine, he can threaten suicide just to get attention, he can call me up an make me miserable if I agree to talk to him, etc...

I have some threads in the ACOA link here that gives alot more of my story. I think you can find them by clicking on my user name and searching through my posts to the ones that are from that board. (I am also a recovering addict so you'll find posts from those areas as well) Read them and others from other people. You'll find a wealth of info there and alot of support. You can make changes in your life so that your dad has less control over you emotions and feelings - it takes time. These victories are won in inches - but the work is satisfying. I am learning much about myselff and that is the key. I can't change him - but I can work on changing me.

Just know that you are not alone.

Gabe

Hey Mandy.
There is an ACOA forum here.
Come on down and join us.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...of-alcoholics/

Irish Virus

Actually Mandy, I find the story quite interesting and am not bored with the story in the least bit. If there is more to this story than meets the eye, it might affect my opinion at least.

I'm a few years older than you and have realized one thing. Parents at times will treat you like a twelve year old whether you're 25 or 45. That's what they do and it is their maternal and paternal instincts taking over. It's something as children that we have to accept because we can not change it.

That being said, your father was kind of brash saying you are a disappointment and stuff. But that might be or not be the alcohol talking. It is quite possible that they care about you enough and that they feel you have entered into a bad situation which in itself could be justifiable.

As far as your father-in-law goes, what he did would make a difference in my opinion on your choice to move to another country. He was acquitted on all charges, but in some foreign countries that means he just bribed his way out of it. Foreign countries are dangerous now more so than before. So if your father-in-law is a man of prominence, you could be in harms way if his alleged crimes could be motive for revenge against him and his family. Not to say he is a bad guy, just trying to figure out your parents point of view.

Overall, don't give up on your folks because even though they may seem manipulative and overbearing, I'm sure they love you.

nocellphone

Welcome to SR, Mandy...

Let me begin by saying that you are definitely not alone. I'm also an adult child of alcoholic/addict parents, as are many of us here.

Let me say next that there is help, hope and healing available for those of us who've lived with this family disease, whether the alcoholics are still drinking or not. I personally have found my answers in Al-Anon, a free, worldwide, mutual support group whose only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend. The support I've received there through the years is like nothing I've experienced before or since. I find it immeasurably helpful and inspiring to spend time around people who've been where I've been and have found a way to cope with and heal from the effects of another's alcoholism.

Please come and introduce yourself in the Friends and Family forum. There's a chair waiting for you...

1_day@_a_time

Mandy......a neighbor! Welcome, stick around.......great people here. Good open honest post from you.

There are meetings around here for people just like you and me, as I can relate!

Let me know if you want info on some meetings.

Tom

mandy296

Thanks everyone for your comments. It feels really good to hear that other people have been in my situation. I still have not dealt with this situation yet. I'm just still really hurt by the things my father wrote in that letter. Sometimes I sit and feel sorry for him because when I think about his life its pretty depressing. Then all the nights of him coming home late at night stumbling in the door completely wasted come back to me and I get upset. Or remembering when I was real little that if dad came home from work with the paper bag in his hand then he would be talking like he has a cold and lecturing my brother and I all night long. It's nice to be able to write it all down here because although I tell my husband and friends about my situation they can't fully understand. None of them have an alcoholic parent.

During the months prior to us leaving my mother would call my phone usually five or six times a day to try and talk me out of it. Telling me that Im disowning where I come from. Telling me that I must really hate them to leave behind my country and my childhood. Every phone call ended up in her hanging up on me. Then she'd call back an hour later like nothing is wrong and we would end up getting into another fight. Its always been a guilt trip with her. She was never there for me growing up emotionally.

Before I left on for my move, my parents took my husband and I out to dinner as a good luck send off. It was anything but. My father got blasted and was telling my husband in a threatening manner that he better keep me safe. It was so embarressing because my mother will just sit there and try to laugh like my father isn't drunk. When we were leaving the dinner my husband went to shake my fathers hand and he just walked away from him. My mother did the same. I was so angry with them to put me through this while I was six months pregnant. I cryed most of the night and was happy to leave. Then I leave and my parents fake that they are getting used to the idea of me living here. Out of no where I get this letter from my father, trying to make me feel like I've done something wrong. He says I am a disappointment but I KNOW I'm not. I have always done things in my life thinking in the background will my parents approve. And I have always done things making sure they were happy and not always what I wanted. This move was something I wanted and something that made me happy and I knew they wouldn't agree with my decision but I hoped they would see that I was happy and they should just be happy for that.

So I'll definitely check out the links that you all sent through to me for support I groups. And hopefully I'll decide soon on what I'm going to do about this soon.

1_day@_a_time

Writing is very threaputic, as you mentioned.

Sharing with people that understand is awesome.........yep.

ADOA has meetings in your area.

nocellphone

I think you might've meant ACOA...?

BeginAgain

Hi Mandy,
Another story to share. When I went to treatment 13 years ago they had a family night. They do it after you've been there for a couple of weeks and allow your immediate family to come sit in a group with other families and other clients in the treatment center. The idea is that the parents or family members are there to share some of how they felt hurt by your drug addiction and hopefully also share some of how hopeful and proud they are that you are in treatment doing something positive to try and change your life for the better.

I was really excited about my mom and dad coming. You see I spent my entire life trying to measure up to my dad's expectations. If he expected a "B" in Algebra - I fought for an A+. If he expected me to stand in the corner on my head reciting the alphabet backwards - I'd stand on my head in the corner and recite my alphabet backwards in another language. You get the picture - but it never seemed that I was good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, successful enough. Later in life the drugs drowned some of the pain and hurt. Anyway- silly me...I thought that my dad would actually come to the family night and say something - anything to praise me a little and give me some encouragement.

He showed up with a 16 page letter filled with nothing but all the things that were wrong with me. As he started to read I had this horrible feeling of dread and disappointment - not to mention shame and embarrasment. My counselor gratefully stopped him at the first page because she saw very quickly that it wasn't going to be an uplifting and helpful visit.

I can look back and laugh a little now because my dad always had to make someone else look bad so he could look good. I have learned slowly that if I can lay down at night and sleep at night without pain and regret I am doing something right. What really matters the most to me is that I like who I am when I'm all alone with myself. Now that is very very hard to remember all the time - and he still gets me down but I"m working on it.

To this day the treatment center uses that as an example of what NOT to focus on as they prep families for these meetings. They kept that letter in my chart - I guess I'm the only girl in history who ever had her dad write a horror novel in preparation for a family group that was intended to uplift and empower them.

I can also relate to your mom acting as if nothing is going on. She never once stood up for me or tried to bring focus to what was really happening. She was very submissive and I realize she was a victim too. But it did nothing to stregnthen our relationship. Today I don't have a good realtionship with either of my parents. I try to detach myself from the insanity as much as possible. Over time and with work it will continue to get easier and my emotional health will cominue to improve. Your's will too. Hang in there & keep on growing.