Dreadintheheart

Hello family, I am new to this site and I felt a need to talk with someone but due to the time of the morning, I have no one to contact. Yesterday, was Thanksgiving, and I had dinner over a relatives house. Now let it be known that I have not seen them since the beginning of the year, in March I went back to using, and when I use I take things and peoples feelings with me. Well I am very thankful for finding this site. Now my family is made up of successful people whom I respect, now I also respect the fact that they are responsible people who can use alcohol and drugs. I Can't and I have learned to admit that to myself and be comfortable with it. I even learned to accept their behavior when they are under the influence. Dinner and conversation went great, I am a isolator so I will converse with a limited amount of people. I have an uncle who has an opinion to everything and he is very convincing and makes valid points and yesterday he hit home with me one on one. I good not get upset because he was basically stating how important it is to be loved and to show love. I have really hurt my family repeatively. He made me address my feelings, my innermost feelings, he challenges me to act rather than react to his words. He loves me dearly and he basically said,"Stop hurting your mother!" He believes that my behavior patterns suggests that I might need some outside help. Now I did mention that my uncle not only gave me a raw uncut lesson, he had assistance from "Old Grandad", his favorite drink. I felt like a sponge absorbing the good and bad but sitting there like a man, inside I felt like I wanted to run. Being chastised is the norm for me to feel loved. My emotions within are bubbling, I have not used since June, and I am not about to start over some feelings. The evening reached its climax as people started leaving and a pocketbook was missing. I watched people cut eyes at me, I witnessed an outsider get accused, I felt like I had to convince them that I would not to that to the family but a part of me had already felt like it did not matter because of my past, who else would steal besides an addict. I became uncomfortable and I felt alone, I felt like I had to restore their trust by acting like a rebel and going to look for the bag with them. Now, I am the only sober person there but my past suggests that I am the right one to accuse. After my cousin declared the purse stolen, now everyone is feeling bad, my aunt finds the purse and stated she did not realize she placed it where she always places her purse, upstairs in a bedroom closet. My cousin thought she left the purse in the family room on the floor. Now her and husband apologized to the family for the accusations but I felt spiritually dead at that moment. To top it off I experienced bad dreams of me being set up and chased with people shooting at me. I awoke giving thanks to my higher power for allowing me to see another day sober. So basically it shows that the pain I caused will not go away because I am clean today. Today I am addressed with facing some emotions that may not be comforting. I hope I seek comfort during this season by coming to a chat room and these pages.

best

Welcome to SR

Meetings and working the steps, the bad feelings will be delt with and start to go away with time.
Congratulations on another day sober.

Look about, read, ask questions. I hope that you find this site as wonderful as so many others do.

Chy

Welcome Dreadintheheart!

Yes, when we get clean/sober those emotions we've stuffed for so long eventually get triggered by someone or something. We do learn how to understand and cope with them. The best thing in your post though despite the little ordeal at your dinner you remained sober and didn't react to those feelings of hurt. That was a big step in it self! Please keep reading and posting I'm sure you'll find a great deal of support and friendships here, I'm glad you found us!

CarolD

Well done pn your sober time!

I suggest you attend N/A to learn how to stay clean.

Blessings...