BSPGirl

I, myself follow an alternative program www.smartrecovery.org thought I'd drop that in.

Kellye C

You've received some great advice. Look for other meetings, you might find one that is a better fit. Ask for a temporary sponsor. Let someone in and let them know what you're afraid of. I am still terrified of confrontation and have never been in a fight the 40 years I've been on this earth. There are some people at my home group who scare the hell out of me either because they are continually off their meds and acting psychotic or they are rageaholics. It is scary and at times I have had to literally force myself to stay in my seat and not run when things got bad in a meeting. I do have a sponsor and I do have friends in the program and I know who the winners are so I stick around them. I give the others a wide berth. Not everyone in the meeting is there for recovery.

When I first went into my homegroup I looked around and saw all kinds. It talks about this in the Big Book where it says that outside of AA we are group who would normally not mix. Lord is that the truth LOL! But in those rooms there is a common goal, to stay sober, and so when people share I look for the similarities rather than the differences and that helps me to feel more a part of. Nowdays, I go to various meetings with my SO who lives in another part of town but I still feel most comfortable with my home group because that is where they know me best.

I know how scary it is to walk into a meeting where you know nobody but you only have to do that once per group because chances are once you're in there someone will reach out to you to welcome you and then you'll know someone for next time. I made it a point to try and remember at least one name each time I went and would speak to that person even if it was to just say hi. Point is, I was shy and scared and I had to MAKE myself fit in because I knew that I had no other alternatives. I had tried everything method I could think of to control my drinking and am unable to do so. I had to have help so I HAD to step out of my comfort zone and ask for help. It was hard but oh so worth it!

I don't if any of this has helped or not but I hope it has. You don't have to hide who you are in meetings, but while you're there focus on the common goal, recovery. It will work out in time if you don't give up.

Finally, have you tried the online meetings here? I did one a couple of weeks ago and it was neat. A totally different experience. I promise you that nobody is going to kick your ass through a monitor LOL! (I'm not laughing at you I promise, only trying to elicit a smile).

Hugs,
Kellye

CarolD

Welcome and Hello!

Depression is why I started AA recovery.
At 2/3 months sober it fled and has not returned.
I take no anti depressents.

I so hope this will be true for you too.

Keep posting with us...you are not alone...we understand and care. Blessings...

Sugah

Good morning, and Happy Thanksgiving.....

Freckles, when I replied to you, it was in the middle of the night having just woken up from one of my not-so-good dreams (they're less in recovery, but they still come), and my husband had slipped into a fitful sleep. I knew he wasn't feeling well, and my keyboard is kind of loud, so I kept my answer short. I do want you to know I wanted to say a whole lot more, and I felt you reaching out - I figured a short answer was better than no answer at all. I'm really glad *smiles* was here to talk to you. And, if my judgement in leaving a short message rather than none at all was bad, I'm sorry.

That said, I would like to share a few things about me. Maybe you'll see you and I aren't that different?

First, I'm a thirty-seven year old college student. I raised my babies in central Pennsylvania - a place still in the dark ages as far as a lot of women's issues go, and as a result, I was a rebel all my life. I'm an English major, focusing on creative writing, and I'm a Women's Studies minor. I had no intention of ever getting married again, and I really didn't care if I ever had another "serious" relationship. There are some good men around here, but even the good ones seem to have archaic ideas about a "woman's place." Then, I met a man who likes to tell me, "I was a feminist before you were born." He's wonderful - does about half the cooking, all the shopping, and he's the choice for any woman facing divorce with one of the local "good ol' boys" (he's an attorney). He's faced down the KKK in our area, stood for gay, minority, and of course, women's rights in our area. We make a very good team.

So, I understand progressive and feminist, okay? Guys who's wives come into recovery prefer they don't approach me for sponsorship - because, though I try to focus on the primary purpose, so many alcoholic women come into recovery carrying a lot of emotional baggage that's been thrust upon them. If they want recovery, they have to learn to lay it down, and husbands don't always like their women unencumbered.

Artist? I'm a writer. Check my blog at the bottom and read the second entry down. You might find we're soul sisters. I'm very much into my own individuality. I believe that we all arrive in this life with a gift, and it's our duty to shine our light and share that gift with the world. What a boring world it would be if we were all the same!! If I'm faced with an issue in recovery, I have a plethora of choices in who to call to help me through and give me guidance. I don't just call my sponsor - and anyone who works with me knows not to rely solely on me. We all have gifts, and if I'm to expand my recovery, I need to recognize the gifts in others.

Now, about shedding this uniqueness in the rooms ... I don't. I can't. "I" come through, no matter how I try to purge my sharing of all my deeply personal opinions - realizing that my opinions might not be shared by others and could prevent someone from forming their own. We're impressionable and vulnerable in early recovery. If I start telling someone my brand of spirituality is the right one and the only one - well, I've forgotten one very important principle - we all find a God of our own understanding, and instead of being open-minded and forward-thinking, I've just asked another to mold themselves to my beliefs.

If I instead recognize that the steps, as written, have helped many, many people to lead a sober, spiritual, productive and fullfilling life, then I can use that and identify with what makes me like them, rather than concentrate on how I'm different from them. We're all alcoholics in the rooms. We practice the same principles for recovery. And, they're tailored not to exclude anyone. It's a program of inclusion - not a cookie-cutter program designed to make us all sober robots!

As far as the agressive sort... I think about a girl I sponsor. She hated me when I first came into the rooms, and she didn't hide it, mocking my shares and talking about me behind my back. She had nine months sober and went back out. When she came back, she was still very angry. At one point, I threw myself between her and another girl whom she was determined to knock out (I was only walking for a couple of weeks, and my bones are like mush...don't know what possessed me to do something so stupid, but..*sigh*). She was so angry. Then, something happened. She finally decided she'd had enough, and she started working the steps. She asked me to sponsor her, and at the beginning of October, I was the matron of honor in her wedding. Pretty wild, huh? Some are sicker than others, but they can get better, too.

I'd like to talk to you more, freckles... I felt like you sooo much in the beginning. The desire to be sober and live won out - and I found that I didn't have to surrender near as much of my individuality as I thought (very little, in fact!!)

I'll be looking for your posts - and feel free to send me a private message.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

REZ

Freckled,
I have a great deal of respect for your uniqueness. I think its great that you are into art, feminism, wholistic medicine--whatever. I too, have felt unique and out of place at times. My hang up was that I was too "educated and intellectual" for the NA/AA crowd. I have studied philosophy, science, law, history, politics, economics, music and religion at a fairly high level. I have been a professor at several different universities and published many scholarly articles and books, blah, blah. All this is great, but it won't help me stay clean and sober! To recover from alcoholism and drug abuse I need to get honest with myself, get humble, come down off my uniqueness pedestal, and become part of something bigger than me that can help me do what I cannot do alone. This is a WE program, not an I program. In some ways, I think it is more difficult for people with high IQs and brain power to get/stay clean than people who are a bit more average. Why? Well, a smart person will spend too much time analyzing the program, trying to figure it, trying to improve it. This will eventually lead them into believing that they don't need the program. This is a simple program, but it is not an easy program. To recover, we don't need a lot of brain power; we just need to be willing to take the suggestions that people offer us and do the footwork.

Best wishes to you!

freckled

[QUOTE=historyteach]

I know when I'm not confident; when I'm a little scared about new people, places and things, sometimes, I can come off a bit strong.




maybe thats you, but that's not me. thanks anyway!

freckled

Sugah - thanks for the long reply. I appreciate it. But I think you seem to keep misunderstanding what I am trying to say. You keep saying that I want to "shed" or "showcase" my individuality/uniqueness. Have you even read my thread to Smiles? It says that I dont want to show my uniqueness, I just dont want to have to hide it. I want to be able to be myself because I know I am a great person - like everybody else is. So please stop saying that its not conducive to my recovery to try and show my uniqueness - THATS NOT WHAT I WANT TO DO!!!. I dont want to deliberately show it - I just want to not have to hide it -which is what I feel I always have to do at a meeting in order not to be judged as "not humble enough", etc. And as for trying to tell people my brand of spirituality is the right one - where did you get that from!!!? I never said that. everything else you said made sense though, and thank you for you input and help. I know that AA is there to help people and that it's about our common problem and NOT our differences. I understand that. My problem lately is getting past the anger and hurt I feel about not fitting in in the world - whether it be AA or not. I have more of a problem with anger than I do with wanting a drink. I don't even crave alcohol. I just know in the past, in my mid 20's I had a huge drinking problem so I assume I still have one. I just wish there was a place for me to go that was like AA, but more about anger and emotions. I checked it out, there is nothing like that in my area. Thank you very much for taking the time to talk to me, Sugah. That was very nice of you.

freckled

[QUOTE=historyteach] And please remember, don't judge all people in AA by that one person. We don't know what fears she may be harboring. Remember, we are all unique.




Historyteach - Sorry, but I wasn't judging her - I am simply expressing my hurt at the fact that she threatened to beat me up!! Whatever fears she may harbor, she should not take them out on me. I don't care how sick she is. I know for me - I would NEVER EVER threaten to physically hurt someone. But as I said before, I was raised with manners. Did you not get that? Oh, and, I never said we weren't all unique- I know that we are.Thx.

Sugah

You know, in exchanges like this, I realize just how far I have to go in improving my written communication skills! I read your reply, and I was thinking to myself..."But, I didn't mean that. Um, I wasn't implying that." And, then, I read back and can understand how you could have misunderstood what I said. Alas, I'll keep working on it, and in the meantime, I'll do my best to use the "reply" button to clear up those misunderstanings.

I attempted, in my reply, to show you that there are others who can relate to some of the issues you value. I am a feminist and an artist. I can't hide those parts of me, nor do I want to, though I don't wave them as a flag to set me apart from anyone in the rooms (and I'm not saying now that you do! I've never been to a meeting with you, so how could I? ). I wasn't implying that you pushed your brand of spirituality on anyone - that reference was only an example of how we can use individuality in a harmful way with others. That's all. I hope that cleared up any contention in my post - I wasn't trying to be contentious. If not, please - speak up (as you've shown you will - good for you!). You and I may not, and probably do not agree on everything, though I will say I'm trying to relate rather than isolate from you.

I'm glad you received the major part of my post in the spirit in which it was offered. I love my fellow human beings, and I try to express that.

You said that your major issue now seems to be anger and that you haven't found a suitable venue for addressing it. Why not try to do that here? It doesn't replace a sponsor, but it seems to be an obstacle right now in your trust. If you're willing to post here and you're surrounded by people who want to help you through, then why not give it a shot? Talk about why you're angry.. I'll bet you'll find others who've felt just like you.

I'm a firm believer that this kind of medium doesn't replace face to face meetings, but it's a start and a good supplement to f2f. I know that if I'd been sober awhile and was wrestling with unresolved anger issues, I'd be concerned about my continuing sobriety, whether I felt like drinking or not. I do believe that my desire to drink left me when I finally became entirely ready to be relieved of my resentments.

I'll be looking for you, freckled.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

jmhs002

I hope that you can find the right program for you. It is certainly too hard to tackle this alone. I have a question for you though - what is more important to you
- to show how unique and different you are from everyone else
OR
- to try and get and stay sober?

freckled

ok jmhs002 - you need to READ THE THREADS I have posted continuously about this - I AM NOT TRYING NOR DO I WANT TO "Show" how unique I am. I know I am unique and I don't need to boast it! You are missing the point and so , for the 10th time here, I will reiterate: I just don't want to have to hide who I am. That has nothing to do with the fact that you think I want to purposely flaunt how unique I am. Please get it already. Please. I am closing this thread - it has caused nothing but frustration.

freckled

thank you sugah - that did clear alot up for me. talk to you later.

jmhs002

[QUOTE=freckled]Sugah - . I have more of a problem with anger than I do with wanting a drink.

I agree with you on this part. I do wish you luck.
JMHS

raerob

Freckled...please take a deep breath, and remember that "the written word" can be misinterpreted by those reading it. Try not to be so frustrated simply because you feel you are being misunderstood. The only thing important here is that you are an alcoholic sharing with other alcoholics, no matter where we live, how old we are, how much/how often we drank, etc., etc., etc.

I do understand what you're getting at...but, it really isn't all that important. When I first read your posts, I was concerned that you might be suffering from "terminal uniqueness"...and, that can be a killer...I mean literally.

It has already been said here...look for the similarities in the stories; keep going to meetings until you find ones where you feel comfortable; try to get a sponsor (even a temporary one); if you have discussion meetings near you, ask to share on anger.

As for the gal who threatened you...some are sicker than others. And, not just from alcoholism! There used to be a Viet Nam vet at one discussion meeting I went to who scared the daylights out of me everytime he started to share; but, he taught me a lot about patience and tolerance.

It seems to me you've earned your seat in AA. Don't allow anyone to intimidate you out of it!!!

Greenbug

I love artistic people, what vision, what imagination, limitless ideas. Awesome!!!

There is a lot of irony in life, "you can only keep what you got by giving it away" & "you are unique just like everyone else" both of those statements are true but in direct contradiction of each other, how can that be?

While you are I am sure very unique - no question, you do share more similarities then differences. As an artistic person when you can recognize the difference, and understand it then you can truly be creative in your own artistic avenue. Being an artist is about freedom of expression, and conveying that expression to others. If you cant understnad the difference then you wont be using your full potential otherwise it would be a restriction on your freedom of expression.

Focusing on the differences serves no purpose whatsoever. But when we look for the similarities then we can grow as people. No one has your story, just like no one has my story - we are unique in that respect but at the same time we all share certain situations that are the very much the same. This is where we learn and grow, and make progress as people.

Albuquerque is a Mecca for artist's I am sure if you look you can find meeting with a theme geared toward artistic people. The meeting is not going to be any different really but you will be in company with the same goals as yourself. Try another meeting, if you look for differences, you find them no matter what meeting you go to. If you look for similarities then you will find them also no matter what meeting you go to. Being almost beaten up is definately the exception and not the rule.

My 2 cents.

~GB