hopealwayz

Right now, my body feels beaten to a bloody pulp. My head feels like it has been in a blender. My eyes are burning and I have severe muscle aches. I am extremely fatigued and majorly discouraged and depressed right now. I need to get some of my hope back. I thought that I was finally going to stay sober and I was working so very hard. I even found a sponsor and doing what I was supposed to do. I have fully surrendered and I know without a doubt that I am addicted. Someone who is not an addict would not have to quit and end up going back as many times as I have. I must have the world record for relapsing. But, maybe there is something that I am supposed to learn from this. One day, when I can maintain my sobriety, my story may help someone else who has a few relapses. Actually, I would probably be safe to say that my last round of using could be tied together as a big relapse instead of many small ones. I mean come on, at one point, I couldn't even make it one day without using. Remember when I kept changing my sobriety date. That was embarrassing but I was honest. Maybe that just wasn't my time to get clean and sober. I do know one thing for sure, if I had not hit the point that I was at in the last few months, I wouldn't have been able to stay sober anyway because I just wasn't ready. I hadn't hit that critical point of surrender.

In every time that I have fallen, one thing that I have never done is STAYED DOWN. I have always gotten right back up and kept on trying. That is why I believe with all of my heart that when the time is right (maybe even this time) I will maintain long-term sobriety. In the midst of this horrible addiction, I have never given up and given it my life. It has won several battles against me, but look at how far that I came this last time around. I think I finally started to get the hang of it!! I felt like I was actually recovering and I felt happiness and joy again. I stayed clean and sober for 35 days which considering the hard time that I've had, is a lot! Each time that I screwed up, I have gotten closer to where I need to be and each time I changed even more in my recovery. I have to get up, stop beating myself up, learn from this and move on. I have to get right back into my recovery. I am fighting for my life and my life is worth it!

Hugs,
Cheryl

PS: Now I have to fight the physical cravings too since I have activated it. I am fighting the urge to go find more. This feels like hell today. Please keep me in your prayers and pray that I will have the strength to beat my addiction.

best

Read steps 1, 2, and 3.

hopealwayz

I know that God can give me the strength and power to overcome this horrible thing. I cannot do this because I am powerless. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.
If we ask, we shall receive.

Dead Poet

Hey hopealways, I am right there with you. My last sobriety was for 39 days when I relapsed, it has been a constant battle, but with stride I pick myself up and thats the best you can do. Keep learning and using it as an experience for what NOT to do next time and remember more of what you should do to stay sober. I believe its a very good sign that yhou maintained that (35 days) long, it shows you are re-learning how to live life soberly. Its like riding a bike, because you have to get used to it before you can do it without hands. Keep riding it, I'm with you.

Lots of love going your way, B

hopealwayz

B,
With our determination, we will beat this thing. We only have to fight it one day at a time. And don't ever get illusions such as the thought of being able to use other mind-altering substances because it all leads back to the same place.

My relapse had actually started with pain meds that my doctor gave me for my foot. You know, my addict mind enjoyed them too much. I think I took most of the bottle throughout the first day. Every 2 hours, I would go and take 2-3 (sometimes 4) more.
Even with prescription meds, we must be careful not to overdo it just as I learned the hard way.

hopealwayz

(((B))) Oh, I also wanted to give you a big hug and I wanted to let you know that we are never alone and we are in this together.

Hang in there and hold on.


Hugs,
Cheryl

sherbear5104

One day at time I surrender my will to God. One day at a time, I ask him to give me the strength to make it through the day without using ANY substance. Every day I try to go to a meeting. These are the things the long timers told me to do. You can do it, we all can. One day at a time.

hopealwayz

I hope that I can find some inner strength somewhere deep within because right now I just feel very worn out. I don't know if I even have another recovery in me. My light is growing dimmer. I wish that I could find some hope somewhere deep inside. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

janeeyre

Hey there,

You asked to be kept in our prayers; well you're in mine now.

Take heart, you'll conquer this. Nothing can take away the sober time you've accumulated in the past, and as the old saying goes, "today is the first day of the rest of your life." Don't dwell on your relapse--learn from it. You can do it, I know!

So many of your posts have been a great help to me--thanks for that!

hugs,
jane

squirrelly77

Cheryl--

It's good that you're being honest--that's something that many, many new people struggle with. It shows a level of humility that many newcommers don't reach early on. That's still something I deal with--the fact that "I'm NOT okay" some days puts everything in perspective by deflating my ego a little more.

You said though that you've fully surrendered, but I'm now just learning what that really means. Full surrender isn't pretty...it's very painful...which leaves many crying in the fetal position once they've actually admitted to their innermost self that they are indeed powerless. Whenever we pick up--it indicates that we still think we have some power--but we may not even know it until it's too late! I know that I thought that I fully surrendered a few times through out my recovery--but when the thoughts of using and putting myself in dangerous situations resulted in me succumbing to the temptation--I realized the truth. The truth was--I still believed I wasn't powerless. The good thing, though, is that with each relapse--that thought becomes less and less until full surrender finally happens. Surrender *is* a process...and I don't think that anyone I personally know "got it" the first, second...even the fiftieth time! Unfortunately, people will die until they might have gotten a chance to get it. That's why it scares the crap outta me when I think of what not having a choice in drink really, really means.

Another good thing to come out of relapse is the chance to gain some clarity...and for me, it meant "what I'm doing isn't working". So, now what's your plan of action? You have a sponsor, right? All of the suggestions such as talking with your sponsor, reading steps 1, 2, & 3, going to meeting--being honest face to face with people--these are ALL excellent suggestions. That hope your searching for deep within will come to fruition once you decide to take more action and get out of your head.

You know what to do, (((Cheryl)))! Prayers and good thoughts are comming your way!

Danielle

Jaded Diva

Cheryl - God bless you. Thank you for being honest with us, but more importantly, yourself.
My husband is an addict and I've seen him suffer. I'm sure you have too, and you are suffering now. But remember - we are all human. Please keep trying - pick yourself up and start again. Today is a new day. It's up to you how it goes. You'd be surprised how strong one can be. You mentioned "ask and you shall receive". Make sure that you ask.

(((hugs)))

KelKel

Cheryl...Prayers and hugs for you sister...
Yep the beast has been awakened, hang in there and know in your heart and mind that you can beat this thing and put the freakin' demon back in the cage.

roadie58

Cheryl, very good post, print it out and keep it as a reminder of how you feel today. Please join the NEW BUS post, we've all got our hands outstretched for you go grap on tight!

But you can't have the relapse record because I thought that I had it! LOL

Drink some extra water to help your body and be gentle to yourself today. You are aware that finding more junk will not make the hangover go away, so let those thoughts pass right on through your head.

Play soft music,

Prayers going out your way girl....

Michael

Greenbug

WOW, some people dont have a second chance when they hit "that critical point of surrender."

FYI

It can and will happen to you.

Read, understand and digest step 1, work with a sponsor, GO TO MEETINGS, get into service (make coffee, set up/down chairs.etc..) Dont isolate.....

If it sounds like something you dont like but it came from someone in the program with years of recovery, thats what you need to do. The suggestions that make you say "thats not for me" is exactly what you need. That is the decease talking, dont listen, change can be hard and unfamiliar to you. Your thinking got you here, bout time you hand over that part of your recovery to someone you can trust.

This is a program of action, not something you just post and comment on.

4health

Hi Cheryl! HUGS to you!! I have missed you I am sorry that I kind of dropped off here. I have been hanging out in AA chat and also just very busy around here (IRL). I am sorry to hear of the slip up but that is all it is..You've not given up and that is what truely matters at this point.

Kick back, relax, take hot baths, drink some chamomile tea or somehting you find soothing. God is there for you. Ask him to relieve you of your desire for this crud in your life.

take care and I promise to check in more often...

BSPGirl

Be gentle with yourself. *hugs* You are in my thoughts. I got my own thoughts about this whole concept of being 'powerless' but hey whatever works.

Sugah

Cheryl...

Roadie (Michael? you have a real name...that's cool!) said what I was thinking when I first started reading this thread. Print your post - print the whole thread - and read it if the urge to pick up strikes again.

There's something you're saying that I can really relate to. My career was comprised of one addiction with many different faces over a lot of years. A couple of years before getting clean, I was on a seven year coke/crack run, and I knew it was going to kill me. I would commit to quitting, looking inside myself for the strength I needed to do it. I'd last a day - sometimes as long as three or four. I kept my eye on the inside searching desperately for that light that would signal that my source of strength had arrived and was going to save me.

Finally, a few years and many failures later, I reached out and called the NA Helpline. I heard a voice on the other end, a woman, telling me that she knew how I felt. SHE seemed to have that light I was looking for, so why didn't I? BECAUSE MINE WAS DEAD....I had robbed it of fuel for so long, it was completely extinguished. My soul was dead, starved by my addiction and sick thinking, and I was really scared. I prayed and felt nothing. I had breath, and I had only the slightest care if I lived or died, but slight as it was, there was something. So, I hung on. I found that I could borrow the light of those around me, and eventually, that dry kindling left in my own soul would catch.

I didn't have any concept of a HP when I came into the rooms. My musings about God was nothing but mental masturbation. I had to see how a HP could work in others' lives in order to begin to believe that it could also work in mine. I don't doubt it was someone like me who began suggesting that newcomers "stick with the winners." While you're gathering data to aid in your understanding of a power greater than yourself, you can look to those "winners" - the ones with not only time, who not only talk a good program, but live one - and gain some faith as well.

Cheryl, I have a friend who relapsed daily, weekly, then monthly for a long time - ten years - till he got clean and sober. He's been that way almost five years now. For every person who can do that, finally stop fighting and surrender, there are ten more who find their final bottom. When you know, you know. You know that you can't control it. You have some grasp over your own powerlessness - but do you really? Do you understand in the depths of your being that this thing will kill you - maybe the next time, maybe not. There are a whole lot of of us who die from the disease without ever having known there was a way out. You're not one of them. So....how long do you want to play Russian Roulette with your life?

I've prayed for you before when I've read your posts, Cheryl. I'll keep praying for you - pray for yourself, too, okay?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

na4today

Hugs to you Cheryl!! And don't be embarrassed, I think most of us have slipped. It's progress not perfection. I will keep you in my prayers and I know you will win!

Kathy

Cathy31

(((CHeryl))) Sending you lots of love and keeping you in my prayers...
You are SO WORTH IT!!!!
Love
Cathy31
x

hopealwayz

I just feel like giving up. All I can see today is darkness. It feels like there is no way out. I know tomorrow may be brighter. I just have to make it through this day and the pain that I have let into my soul.