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Bad thinking-- I had a few drinks!!

Old 11-21-2005, 02:42 AM
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Unhappy Bad thinking-- I had a few drinks!!

I relapsed when I had a few drinks last night. It made me feel even worse than I already did and I just sat there and started crying. I did not use any of my tools and it seemed like I had already made up my mind. Just for the moment, I did not use anything from my recovery. I hoped that this time things might be different and I wanted to experiment to see if I could attempt to drink normally. There were times in the past where I was able to have one and walk away, but an equal amount of times where I would lose control.

I used to think that I only had a problem with drugs and I wasn't sure about the alcohol but I know that normal drinkers wouldn't have had problems with a few of the things that happened to me. I lost control over my drinking at a bar one night, dont even remember leaving or getting in the car, and started driving home. I hit a truck that had 3 people in it-- a mother, father, a little girl but they were ok and no injuries. I could have killed someone that night.
Fortunately, I felt so happy that I was the only one who got hurt. Afterall, it was my fault so I deserved to be injured and not that innocent family.

I almost died and it is a miracle that I survived that wreck. My drivers side roof caved right down to the drivers seat where my head was. My head moved just in time or it would have been crushed. God took care of me.

After that, I said that I would never drink again. I did really well for a few months but my uncle brought me a beer and I drank it, loved it, so I started drinking again.....

I thought that I may be the one in the family who could try social drinking successfully but a normal drinker would have quit after those problems that I had. That accident would have been reason enough for a normal drinker to quit and almost was enough for me...until my mental obsession kicked in again and I missed alcohol. Guess that this might be telling me that I am an alcoholic or at least a potential one. The bottom line is that in the reactions of what drinking does for me, I can tell that it is going to be a struggle to stop drinking forever (one day at a time?).

In 2004 when I tried to get clean, I only quit the drugs but I kept on drinking convinced that I wasn't an alcoholic. Maybe not at the time but it took on the pattern of addiction so I knew that I had to quit everything mind-altering if I ever wanted to recover.

In the end...same addiction, different drugs.
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Old 11-21-2005, 03:18 AM
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[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[Hopealwayz]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

Please don't tell us that you were hanging around that Uncle again last night? While you're in pain, please write out (here or to yourself) all your feelings, physical, mental and emotional- so you can refer to it next time. That's what my sponsor asks me to do.

Please get your little self to a meeting today (if you do that sort of thing) and take your restart button. Confession is good for the soul.

Just take care of yourself today, extra water and sleep is good. Remember to learn from this experience, but put the bat down! LOL

Thanks for coming back, lots of folks would just run away. You're learning how it works. That's a very good thing.

Michael
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Old 11-21-2005, 03:26 AM
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A drug is a drug is a DRUG. This disease tells us that as long as we don't do X, we can do Y - after all Y isn't as bad as X, right? Wrong. It's a lie.

Some of us have to learn this the hard way, I guess.

An honest program of recovery and using the tools of recovery are what stand between us and that voice.

Don't pick up (anything) no matter what. That's how we get clean and sober. That's how we stay clean and sober.
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Old 11-21-2005, 03:41 AM
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Originally Posted by hopealwayz
In the end...same addiction, different drugs.
Pretty much. Dope and booze aren't the issue.
... We continue to depend on the world around us and refuse to accept that we will not be given everything. We become self-obsessed; our wants and needs become demands. We reach a point where contentment and fulfillment are impossible. People, places, and things cannot possibly fill the emptiness inside of us, and we react to them with resentment, anger, and fear.
Source.
No matter how many different ways I cut it and try to find reasons where I'm not responsible for an outcome and the emotional results I encouter there, I come up empty handed if I don't include myself in the equation.

We can learn to make better choices.
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Old 11-21-2005, 03:54 AM
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The whole time I was drinking, I just felt so guilty because I knew what I had worked so hard for and had a head full of AA and SR and everyone who has been a part of my sobriety. I see that it is not fun. Now that I am in recovery, I cannot even drink in piece because my mind knows that I deserve a much better life than one with alcohol.
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