mishelly

Hey all...wasn't sure where to post this, but this board gets a lot of viewing so I thought here was the best place.

I am in serious need of input...my sponsor admitted in a meeting last night that she has been in relapse for over a month, now has three days clean. While I know relapse is nothing unusual, I have to be honest. I am mad, I am disappointed and I'm scared...how can my sponsor help me stay clean and sober if she can't stay clean and sober?

And why is this messing with my head so much? If nothing else, her going out and doing more research should help me to know that it is not any different out there. ARGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dan

Without sounding over simplistic, she's going continue helping you stay sober by you helping her in re-establishing her connection to her HP.
That's how it works, as I understand it.
Prayers for you both.

Greenbug

I would ask this question to her just like you did here, I would also think about getting a new sponsor as well. I am not sure where you are in your recovery so I cant say you support her. Usually when someone goes out again they really relapsed well before the using part, I dont know if thats the kind of direction you are looking for.

Find someone that can help you in your recovery, dont alienate your old sponsor just find another one, or look into it.

Its not uncommon to get a new sponsor, this is about you, not them!

mishelly

I keep thinking about that getting a new sponsor thing...for some reason, I'm highly concerned that if I do that it could be bad for her. Which is crazy because I know that no one else's sobriety is my responsibility and that the only person I can change is me...

olivia

I can certainly relate...my sponsor "let me go" a few months back and it is only now that I realize how much it has messed with my head. Bottom line is that even our sponsors are sick people trying to get better. My advice would be, to be honest with her, it could help both your recoveries. Keeping a resentment in your heart about it is poisonous. This is about your recovery. If she needs help she is not getting she needs to find it herself. I have difficulty finding a balance between getting enough for me and giving enough to others. Listen to your heart, check your motives and be honest. Good luck.

tink360

i think my concern would be that shes obviously not in the right place in her recovery if shes been relapsing and maybe she should take some time for herself and her own sponser to get back on track and then in the meantime it might be a good idea to get yourself a temp sponser just until she feels ready to take on the sponser role again...if you just found out about this there is a trust issue that should be reestablished there...you need to be able to trust your sponser. im not the best person to give advie at this point in time but i would make the suggestion to get a temp until she gets herself together again and make sure you let her know that your there for her and your just giving her some space to pick herself up agian

Steve M

I would'nt jump to make a rash decision as of yet. Talk to your sponsor and show your concern. I've found that the best service a person in recovery can offer is helping another in recovery. Keep on posting! Let us know how it goes.

mishelly

Maybe I'm just a hard-a$$, but you know, for me, once I got honest it was as simple as this...I have a problem, I know where the solution lies, so just do it. I guess you really gotta be done before it will work for you though. And I guess I also need to remember that just cause she is my sponsor doesn't mean she isn't human and an addict as well. Addicts do drugs and she is/was just doing what addicts do.

Midas

I agree with what Dan said earlier. Sometimes the responsibility falls upon a sponsee to uphold the character of his/her sponsor and provide support.

After all, it is one of the first and foremost tenets of AA.
(Generally not recommended for members who may not have a strong foundation).

''I am responsible . . . When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that: I am responsible.''

Copyright © Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Ask your sponsor to share what happened. It's important to disect the events that led up to the relapse. Roadie58 will agree with me on that point.

Greenbug

Well my sponsor when back out and over dosed a heroin and it was really hard for me. We had become great friends after years of working with each other and he was gone. The choice to use was his and he knew what he was doing, I am thankful that that I had a few years in when this all happened but it still wasn't easy.

Keeping this sponsor is a big gamble on your part and its not necessary, the stakes are to high to guess this will work out. This is an consequence of her choice to use, she needs to be accountable just like everyone else. Talk to her let her know your fears and find someone else. She should understand that while you would like to stay you have given her you no real choice.

Remember drinking and using is the last act of relapse, this went on well before she got loaded. Her thinking wasnt right.

Best of luck,

~GB



I strongly disagree with the sponcee helping the sponsor, in early recovery the sponcee is still checking out the landscape of recovery and the sponsor should have some idea what the landscape is. Once someone relapses a persons thinking is not right, and could relate that same thinking to the sponcee. Then you could have blind leading the blind. I wouldnt mess with it in early recovery. If the sponcee has a few years and worked the steps, amybe even had sponcess of there own then this would be a different situation.

Midas, the responciblity statement is taken way out of context. The newcomers responciblity in that statement is if someone asks for help you direct them to the rooms/elders someone who knows what they are talking about by living it. Setting boundaries within your own program sometime means being patient, understanding you need help, and accepting help when offered and accepting you cant help everyone until you have solid ground to stand on yourself. Helping someone else when your no sure yourself could just end up in a train wreck. I have seen it happen to many times.

My 2 cents.....

Dan

It really is a matter of the heart, your heart Mish, and nothing else.

I was three months sober when my first sponsor relapsed after his son's death.
He decided he was going to join him the only way he knew how, by drinking himself to death. And it was like blind lightning...
One day, news of his son's fatal overdose.
Next day, he packs up fifteen years of continuous sobriety...
Was his relapse imminent, and triggered by his son's death? Who can really say but him...

We watched him for what seemed like an eternity, day in and day out, for close to a week. Newbs like me, and longer time sponsees of his took turns looking over him, cleaning him up, trying to reason with him...
He's a big man, my sponsor is... It took four of us to take him down once we decided we were going to take a chance and save a life.
His skin was gray that morning, and he smelled of death.
Enough.

He taught me and his other birds a powerful lesson that week.
He lived, but lost a lot of his mental capacities.
His sponsor became my new sponsor.
And we closed the circle like that.

sherbear5104

(((Dan)))

I remember that. You just brought tears to my eyes. This disease doesn't stop killing us. I am so grateful that I made it back from my relapse.

Greenbug

Powerful story Dan, it rings true here. Unfortunately we could not find my sponsor until he was found dead from herion next to some train tracks in Santa Cruz some days later.

He was a counselor at a rehab, a great friend and I miss him often. I can honestly say I loved that man like a brother.

The impact on the rehab was wide spread, a counselor/sponsor should provide some sort of hope that recovery does work. Relapse although tragic it does occur but should be kept in context with the big picture.

and the wolf said "Well I only ate one sheep"????

mishelly

Let me give you guys a little background...my sponsor was sober for two years, relapsed hard-core for a little over a year, and then cleaned up again in April of this year. Just a few weeks after she got sober, so did I. I was looking for a sponsor and someone suggested this person to me. Said that Bill W and Dr. Bob made it work, maybe we could too. There are not a lot of sober women in my home group, so I asked her. Now she has relapsed again.

I recall there were several occasions over the course of the last few months when we would be talking or in a meeting and she would just stop and look at me and tell me that she was envious of my recovery, my serenity and my growth. The kicker...her significant other is a practicing alcoholic/addict and they live together. She thought she could set boundaries (not in the house, etc...) and be okay, but it became apparent several weeks ago that she was struggling with keeping those boundaries. I sensed that her sobriety was in jeopardy and tried to talk to her, but then I got extremely ill (heart problem) and went into the hospital. I got better, came home and then she told us she had been in relapse since before I went into the hospital. In fact, she was likely using when she took me to the hospital...

Greenbug

Mish,

Real simple question, does your sponsor have what you want? Does she posses a life in which you want to lead, do you think she can help you and answer any questions you might have about YOUR addiction/recovery.

It has been suggested to me when I look for a sponsor they should have at least 5 years clean, and have a sponsor themselves and have something I want, Like a life worth living!

The sponsor you have now, TO ME sounds like she is still finding her way which is OK, but do you want her helping you find your way.

Best of luck,
~GB

EveryDay

I really have no right to post in this thread as I don't even have a sponsor, but it seems to me that Tink had a good suggestion. I could see not wanting to injure your sponsor by booting her at this difficult time, but as has been mentioned, you have to put your sobriety first. So if you get a temporary sponsor you get what you need, and by calling it temporary you give your relapsed sponsor a vote of confidence and an incentive for getting well. And living with a practicing user, she is going to need all of the incentive a person can get. And more. Good luck with a tough decision!

mishelly

Thanks for your replies everyone...I have a lot to think about and a lot of praying to do...

REZ

This one seems pretty simple to me. Your sponsor is now a newcomer. Newcomers can't sponsor people. You NEED to get a new sponsor. You can still help support this person, but they can't be your sponsor. They could take you back to using. Your recovery is at stake. Also, it was a mistake to choose a person who had so little clean time in the first place as your sponsor. I think having a trustworthy opposite sex sponsor with lots of clean time would be preferable to this situation of having a newcomer sponsor of the same sex.

nogard

Hi mishelly,


Most of lifes decisions are not black and white and life and recovery in my opinion is not a straight line from A to B. Perhaps there is much for you to learn and do here. Only one thing I would do for sure is be certain that I was ok, because if I am not ok then how can I be of any use to others. Having said that sounds like your close to this person, so why not stay close.

Will pray with you some.

Kevin

mishelly

((all)) Thanks. I do know this much...she sure is showing me what NOT to do.

Rez - thanks for reminding me to keep it simple...I forget that a lot.

((kevin)) You are correct in saying that I'm close to this person and I have no intention of abandoning her completely...I'm just not convinced she is at a place where she can be a good sponsor for me at this time.