Input Please!!!!
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Originally Posted by mishelly
((all)) Thanks. I do know this much...she sure is showing me what NOT to do.
Rez - thanks for reminding me to keep it simple...I forget that a lot.
((kevin)) You are correct in saying that I'm close to this person and I have no intention of abandoning her completely...I'm just not convinced she is at a place where she can be a good sponsor for me at this time.
Rez - thanks for reminding me to keep it simple...I forget that a lot.
((kevin)) You are correct in saying that I'm close to this person and I have no intention of abandoning her completely...I'm just not convinced she is at a place where she can be a good sponsor for me at this time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Garden City, Missouri
Posts: 12
Misshelly
You have received some wonderful suggestions here on how to deal with your dilemma. As the saying goes around the tables "Take what you need and leave the rest."
This can also apply to a sponser. Your sponser has given you the base upon which your recovery is being built. They will talk with you concerning your fears, your past, and hopefully give you a new outlook on how your future can be. A sponser will work with you through the first 9 steps, help you with your 4th and listen to your 5th. They should be there when the screaming in your head become overwhelming and your only option is to go back to the quick fix that used to work. One of the greatest compliments you can give a sponser, is to outgrow them, that is a sign that they done the basic stuff right.
Sadly, we are so desperate to find a God enity, someone that can do for us what we couldn't do for ourselves, that we begin to place our sposers on a pedestal and become sooooo upset when they prove to us that they are just humans too.
The Big Book says that we seek "progress not perfection" and that should be our driving force in all aspects of our lives. No one is perfect, not even your sponser, and her relaspe can be just the lesson that you need right now.
There are rooms full of recovering souls that can give you the guidance and support you need for your recovery, just as your continued recovery will be a guiding light for your sponser as she reconnects with a higher power and rejoins all of us on the road to happy destiny. Remember, this is a WE program, and WE all stumble sometimes, even if it is just in emotional or spirtual terms.
Keep coming back, It works if you work it, and Let go and let God, aren't just cute saying posted on the wall, they work, you know that, that is why you are still here with us.
I love you more than you will know
growing can be a very painful experience, but knowledge is only obtained in the painful times of your life.
Your Mom
You have received some wonderful suggestions here on how to deal with your dilemma. As the saying goes around the tables "Take what you need and leave the rest."
This can also apply to a sponser. Your sponser has given you the base upon which your recovery is being built. They will talk with you concerning your fears, your past, and hopefully give you a new outlook on how your future can be. A sponser will work with you through the first 9 steps, help you with your 4th and listen to your 5th. They should be there when the screaming in your head become overwhelming and your only option is to go back to the quick fix that used to work. One of the greatest compliments you can give a sponser, is to outgrow them, that is a sign that they done the basic stuff right.
Sadly, we are so desperate to find a God enity, someone that can do for us what we couldn't do for ourselves, that we begin to place our sposers on a pedestal and become sooooo upset when they prove to us that they are just humans too.
The Big Book says that we seek "progress not perfection" and that should be our driving force in all aspects of our lives. No one is perfect, not even your sponser, and her relaspe can be just the lesson that you need right now.
There are rooms full of recovering souls that can give you the guidance and support you need for your recovery, just as your continued recovery will be a guiding light for your sponser as she reconnects with a higher power and rejoins all of us on the road to happy destiny. Remember, this is a WE program, and WE all stumble sometimes, even if it is just in emotional or spirtual terms.
Keep coming back, It works if you work it, and Let go and let God, aren't just cute saying posted on the wall, they work, you know that, that is why you are still here with us.
I love you more than you will know
growing can be a very painful experience, but knowledge is only obtained in the painful times of your life.
Your Mom
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Livonia, MI
Posts: 675
My sponsor is a former drinking buddy of mine. We lost touch after about three years of boozing it up together. Six years later, I almost die in the ER and finally try getting sober. I call my parents house from the rehab and my mom tells me this guy who works at the salon where she gets her hair and nails done, has 4 years sobriety and would like to help me. I later find out its my former boozing buddy. Small world. Anyways,...the reason I say that is this,......................When I look at my sponsor now, or hear him speak, and if this was the first time I ever met him,.....if you were to have told me this guy was a drunk, I would never have believed it. He is not even CLOSE to the same person as before. I look WAAAAAAAAAAAAY up to this guy now. I aspire to be like him one day. That is until recently. Nothing he did,...dont get me wrong,.....its just that I learned that its not a good idea to RELY on someone to keep us sober. Or to idlize your sponsor too much. You said it,...they ARE just human beings. Just like us. They are trying to get well too. They need US just as much as we need them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: On my way to a better life "one day at a time"
Posts: 69
Wow some really good advice here.
"Does she have what you want"?
You can still be friends. Sounds to me if you keep her as a sponsor you are putting her before your recovery. I know for myself I couldn't even put my children first.
1. God
2. Recovery all the rest will fall into place.
Sounds to me like you really know what to do you just don't want her to feel abandoned. I can see this but really if you aren't sober who can you help???
"Does she have what you want"?
You can still be friends. Sounds to me if you keep her as a sponsor you are putting her before your recovery. I know for myself I couldn't even put my children first.
1. God
2. Recovery all the rest will fall into place.
Sounds to me like you really know what to do you just don't want her to feel abandoned. I can see this but really if you aren't sober who can you help???
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
I can totally relate to this. My first sponsor had about 6 months more sober time than I did. When she hit her one year mark in February she relapsed and is still out there. I took this personally and it threatened my own sobriety. I felt like if my own sponsor couldn't stay sober why should I try? It came out that although she didn't take a drink until after her first year that she had been abusing pills. Her demeanor had changed and I had gotten to the point where I dreaded calling her as I never knew when she might fly into a rage. Also, our "check-ins" became bitching fests about her life. I was already thinking it was time to get a new sponsor when this happened but didn't know how to do it without hurting her or causing a huge drama.
When word got out in our home group what had happened I had a lady approach me to see how I was handling this. I informed her I just finished writing my 4th step and was now stuck sitting on it, which is not a good thing to do. She offered to listen to my 5th step and be my temporary sponsor. I didn't want her for a sponsor as my first sponsor had told me what a hard-ass she was so I waited a couple of days and prayed. This lady is now my sponsor, I included my first sponsor on my 4th step to get rid of the anger and resentment I felt towards her and my second sponsor is way better for me. She is not a hard ass, she simply calls it like she sees it.
It is very difficult when at times sponsor #1 stumbles in the door, swollen, obviously sick, crying and remorseful and then makes sure to haul her ass out before chips are given out. I just have to turn it over.
This experience has colored my own recovery. Our group suggests waiting til you have at least a year before sponsoring someone but I am over 15 months and terrified of sponsoring. I plan to wait til I have 2 years at a minimum unless my HP places someone in my path.
When your sponsor goes out it is hard. Their relapse wasn't about you but it affects you and you have to take action. You cannot give away what you do not have and has been said, once you go back you are considered a newcomer. Obviously there was a ***** in the foundation. My suggestion is to look for another sponsor ASAP. You need to do this for YOU and hopefully the first sponsor will understand but if not, that is her problem. In the meantime, you can support her the best way you can but in the meantime you need solid sponsorship to help you learn all you can and grow in the program.
Hugs,
Kellye
When word got out in our home group what had happened I had a lady approach me to see how I was handling this. I informed her I just finished writing my 4th step and was now stuck sitting on it, which is not a good thing to do. She offered to listen to my 5th step and be my temporary sponsor. I didn't want her for a sponsor as my first sponsor had told me what a hard-ass she was so I waited a couple of days and prayed. This lady is now my sponsor, I included my first sponsor on my 4th step to get rid of the anger and resentment I felt towards her and my second sponsor is way better for me. She is not a hard ass, she simply calls it like she sees it.
It is very difficult when at times sponsor #1 stumbles in the door, swollen, obviously sick, crying and remorseful and then makes sure to haul her ass out before chips are given out. I just have to turn it over.
This experience has colored my own recovery. Our group suggests waiting til you have at least a year before sponsoring someone but I am over 15 months and terrified of sponsoring. I plan to wait til I have 2 years at a minimum unless my HP places someone in my path.
When your sponsor goes out it is hard. Their relapse wasn't about you but it affects you and you have to take action. You cannot give away what you do not have and has been said, once you go back you are considered a newcomer. Obviously there was a ***** in the foundation. My suggestion is to look for another sponsor ASAP. You need to do this for YOU and hopefully the first sponsor will understand but if not, that is her problem. In the meantime, you can support her the best way you can but in the meantime you need solid sponsorship to help you learn all you can and grow in the program.
Hugs,
Kellye
NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know!
Posts: 1,835
Great stuff gang!!
Really, a sponsor only has to be ahead of you in the steps. (and have what you want of course.) I live in a small town, not alot of women in AA. My first sponsor had 8 months sobriety, but that was 8 months I didn't have. We really hit it off and was able to help each other. We used her sponsor (with 9 years sobriety) when we needed her. It was a group effort and it worked out great!!
Sadly, she moved away. I now have her sponsor which is wonderful. Because of my first sponsor, my second sponsor and I got to know each other and become close. She has never been married and doesn't have any children, so those issues are hard for me to bounce off of her. BUT, she does know about sobriety and if I have that, I can work on the rest!!
Pray and ask for guidance. The right person will come along!!
Hugs,
Missy
Really, a sponsor only has to be ahead of you in the steps. (and have what you want of course.) I live in a small town, not alot of women in AA. My first sponsor had 8 months sobriety, but that was 8 months I didn't have. We really hit it off and was able to help each other. We used her sponsor (with 9 years sobriety) when we needed her. It was a group effort and it worked out great!!
Sadly, she moved away. I now have her sponsor which is wonderful. Because of my first sponsor, my second sponsor and I got to know each other and become close. She has never been married and doesn't have any children, so those issues are hard for me to bounce off of her. BUT, she does know about sobriety and if I have that, I can work on the rest!!
Pray and ask for guidance. The right person will come along!!
Hugs,
Missy
It Is What It Is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Peculiar, MO
Posts: 292
Thanks everybody...I knew that I would get good advice here. Sometimes you already know the answers, you just forget them for some reason (the screaming voices in your head drown them out???) until someone else reminds you. Like outgrowing your sponsor and progress, not perfection...thanks Mom.
Stronger every day!
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 191
I don't have anything more to add that hasn't already been said, Mishelly....but I'll say a prayer for you tonight that you are able to hear your HP's guidance and make the choice that is best for you and your recovery. I remember you as one of the people who made the most sense to me when I first came here a few months ago and who helped me see I really did belong here although I hadn't thought up to that point that my drinking was a problem. I know you want recovery, I could tell that from the first post of yours I read. Just pray, and open your mind and heart and the answer will come. It always does for me if I listen.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Shell
not like we hire a sponser for life.
As far as learning, I've learned more from the people that relapse and make it back or not at all then I do from the people staying in. We learn from mistakes as Thomas Edison once said after being chided for taking over several thousand tries to make a light bulb.
Depending on the situation, I've used everyone in my group since I've been in AA. It's hard to find someone that can answer all of our questions.
You mentioned to me the other day you were struggling a bit. Have you got someone else in mind?
I've heard of people getting into the program, having a sponser, the sponser go out and the sponcee sponsering their old sponser.
Life is strange.
Do what you have to do to keep your serenity.
One of my favorite sayings if, it messses with my serenity, it's messing with my sobriety
not like we hire a sponser for life.
As far as learning, I've learned more from the people that relapse and make it back or not at all then I do from the people staying in. We learn from mistakes as Thomas Edison once said after being chided for taking over several thousand tries to make a light bulb.
Depending on the situation, I've used everyone in my group since I've been in AA. It's hard to find someone that can answer all of our questions.
You mentioned to me the other day you were struggling a bit. Have you got someone else in mind?
I've heard of people getting into the program, having a sponser, the sponser go out and the sponcee sponsering their old sponser.
Life is strange.
Do what you have to do to keep your serenity.
One of my favorite sayings if, it messses with my serenity, it's messing with my sobriety
It Is What It Is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Peculiar, MO
Posts: 292
((jpeace and cap'n))
I saw her again last night...she's still using off and on and the other girl she has been sponsoring has apparently decided to take a "leave of absence" from the program.
Cap'n...haven't really "had my eye" on anyone in particular...but I am looking around me and listening closely in meetings to who is saying what, etc. As far as looking for someone who has all the answers...how would a person go about finding something that doesn't exist on this worldly level?
I saw her again last night...she's still using off and on and the other girl she has been sponsoring has apparently decided to take a "leave of absence" from the program.
Cap'n...haven't really "had my eye" on anyone in particular...but I am looking around me and listening closely in meetings to who is saying what, etc. As far as looking for someone who has all the answers...how would a person go about finding something that doesn't exist on this worldly level?
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
FIND SOMEONE THAT HAS INNER PEACE AT A MEETING YOU ATTEND
There are some that have years of sobriety in AA not the sobriety I want. There are some that have grasped serenity without a lot of years of sobriety.
Some of are still real sick puppies w/o the bottle. That's what AA teaches us, how to live without the bottle so we don't need the drink!!!
There are some that have years of sobriety in AA not the sobriety I want. There are some that have grasped serenity without a lot of years of sobriety.
Some of are still real sick puppies w/o the bottle. That's what AA teaches us, how to live without the bottle so we don't need the drink!!!
It Is What It Is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Peculiar, MO
Posts: 292
With help from my HP, I'm still sober so today is a good day. Today makes eight months...my old sponsor, well she's still out there as far as I know. I'm praying for her, hoping she finds her way back...
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