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Please can someone help

Old 11-09-2005, 05:03 AM
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Unhappy Please can someone help

I am about to get married in two weeks, my partner and I have been together for almost three years, but we have known each other for most of my life.

He drank a huge amount of alchohol daily when we got together and he was very drunk each night - I was shocked at the horrid things he would shout and scream at me when he was drunk, but of course he wouldnt remember in the morning.

We moved into together and things improved. Each night he would drink a huge bottle of cider to himself, and I started to question this, as he didnt go for one day without a drink.

This has now turned into 3/4 cans of very strong cider a night and he is generally drunk each night. I get upset all of the time and speak to him about this amount he is drinking everyday, but he just shouts at me and calls me pathetic and full of it.

Sometimes he gets tearful and says he has a problem and makes endless promises to cut down - but then denies it the morning after.

We made a pact that he would only have 2 cans per night, but then I caught him drinking on the way home from the shop to hide it from me.

I love and care about him, and he never used to be like this. The wedding is in two weeks and i am terrified about him being drunk and slurring his words a the ceremony.
Things have got particularly bad in the last 6 months - of which point it was too late to cancel the wedding.
Two weeks ago I had to go see him in hospital because hed had a seizure whilst driving. He is no longer allowed to drive.
I know that on that particular day he had no alcohol that night before because he fell asleep. My thought is that it happened because he had no alchohol?

I have a very good job - He recently was sacked from his job - (which he lied to me about, and said he was made redundant), so now he is at home all day on his own - I have no idea if he is drinking in the day.

I feel exhausted from worry and arguing - I feel unattracted to him when he is drunk and our relationship has deteriorated. He wont listen to me. I have to go through with the wedding - and in my head I hope he just stops drinking in time - but I know I cant live with this forever.

Any advice would be much appreciated.
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Old 11-09-2005, 06:07 AM
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I hope this helps you.

Hi Stacey333.

The first thing I suggest is get ready to hear advice that you won’t like hearing. The brutal truth will be told to you. You absolutely must be concerned with your own health, safety and sanity. I believe that you are very wise and lucky to see these problems BEFORE getting married. Just because you have a wedding planned, don’t feel obligated to sign a contract of “Living Hell” for the rest of your life. I am an alcoholic that is healing. I don’t drink anymore, but it took me more than 26 years to realize that. I have been married for more than 22 years. My wife is a nurse in a cancer unit,,,, a highly respected professional. I experience the same thing you are going through with my wife. When she is sober, she is a wonderful, caring, loving woman. When she is drunk (nightly) she is a mean, venomous, hateful woman. Can’t remember all the rotten things she said to me in the morning. Even worse, she can’t remember how nice and pleasant our evenings start off. I have done the same: Begged, pleaded, demanded that she stop on her own or go get help. I have talked with her family members, but they now all think I’m rotten and that I'm just blaming her,,, but they don’t have to live with her. I am sorry to say, but the same might just happen to you. Only my wife will decide if and when she will quit. The best thing I did for my marriage was start attending Al-Anon meetings. If you want to stay in this relationship, I think this group would help you. Sadly I have been seeing an attorney to start our separation and divorce proceedings. That is a consequence I can control and impose on her. I believe the best thing you can do NOW is impose consequences on your fiancee’ that you can control. Simply put: call off the wedding. YOU cannot make him stop drinking. He will hide it, go one or two days without a drink, etc. But as a retired drunkard myself, I know what happens,,,, you go back and make up for the days you missed and you drink more in the future. Your marriage will not magically become wonderful until he quits drinking COMPLETELY. If you have a good job, you will just enable him to drink and he may never look for a job in the future, or he may tell you that he did, but nobody is hiring. A drunkard lies to you and will lie to themselves. Protect yourself from future pain and sorrow. If it doesn’t look promising for two weeks from now, it sure won’t be any better 1, 2, 5, 10, 20 years from now. I pray that my wife comes to her own conclusions before I get divorced from her. I loved her when I met her, I have loved her for over 24 years, but I can’t take it any more. Do yourself a favor, look into Al-Anon and strongly consider calling off the wedding. Who cares what other people will think! You are the one that has to live like this and you will be the one that will have to deal with even more embarrassment in the future. Pray, talk with people that love you and care about you. Make the right decision. May God bless you and I sincerely wish you luck and success. Mrakaronni.
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Old 11-09-2005, 06:19 AM
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I'm not going to give advice. What I am going to do is share what happened to me in a similar situation and what the results were.

I met my 2nd husband and realized that he drank a lot. He was Cajun and I just figured it was part of the culture. Although I later became alcoholic, I was not at this point and only drank occassionally and socially. When sober or only slightly buzzed this was a funny and caring man. When drunk he became mean, would act irrationally and say very mean things to me and my kids. I stupidly thought that I would be able to "fix" him, that he had never been loved properly which is why he would get jealous of anything that took my time and attention and that if I could just stick it out to the wedding that things would calm down, he wouldn't have to drink like he did and we'd live happily ever after.

Now, here is what really happened. He continued to drink. We lived in different states until we got married. About a week before the wedding he called me drunk and belligerent and said horrible things to me about me, us and my kids. My gut started screaming that this was something that I didn't need to do (get married to this man) but like you, I figured because the wedding date was so close that it was too late and hopefully things would change. 36 hours before we got married we went out with some of his "boys" to celebrate. He got drunk, naturally, and ended up picking a fight with someone who was looking for trouble in a gas station and got the crap stomped out of him. Our wedding pictures were horrible with his face all cut up and stuff.

I had demanded that no alcohol be served at our wedding and reception and at first he agreed but then some co-workers "twisted his arm" and they bought a keg. This quickly ran out and then people were making beer runs at the reception. Long story short, the marriage was not consummated that night because he literally passed out on me. Two days later I went with him and his sister to a casino where he got plastered and we got into a huge argument. I went to sit out in the car with a shaking gut and wondered just what the hell had I gotten myself into.

We made it a year (barely!) and the drinking issue never got better, only worse. He would show his *ss, we’d get into a fight, he’d swear off and last a few days but he’d be so shaky and irritable that I was ready to give him something just to calm him down. Then it’d be “just one”, then “just two”, then “but it’s the weekend”. The amounts would steadily increase and the whole cycle would repeat itself. I tried everything I could to control it and realized that I was powerless to change it. My solution was to begin drinking with him. If you can’t beat em, join em! Within 3 ½ years I was happily divorced but a full blown alcoholic myself. That was one of his parting shots to me, telling me I was an alcoholic! I thought what an *ss he was, the pot calling the kettle black. But later on I realized he was right.

This is a long story and I apologize for that but here is what I learned in hindsight (which is always 20/20!!). I should have listened to my gut, swallowed my pride and cancelled that wedding! I would have saved myself and my kids a lot of misery. Although he was never physically abusive with us, he was very verbally abusive when drunk and the scars run deep. No matter how much I thought things would change, that I could change him, it wasn’t so. He was a slave to the alcohol. I didn’t understand that at the time but I sure understand it today. Nobody can make an alcoholic quit drinking, nobody can change someone or control someone. The willingness and desire to change has to come from the person with the problem for them to have any meaningful chance at recovery. The only thing you can change is you. You have to look out for yourself, your happiness, and what is ultimately in your best interest. I hate to tell you this but unless he has a revelation (otherwise known as a “bottom) anytime soon it sounds like his disease is progressing and will continue to progress. You cannot change that and you cannot love him out of it. You have to make the decision whether or not you are willing to live like this and possibly in worse circumstances as the disease progresses further, if indeed it does. Are you willing to forego a happy and healthy relationship to chain yourself to someone who is in the throes of a selfish and self-centered disease? These are questions you might ask yourself. Forget that the wedding is only two weeks away. It is never too late until you say I do.

I am not trying to persuade you in any direction, only ask that you do some soul-searching on this. I lived where you’re at and I have shared what it was like. If you do indeed decide to marry this man, then might I suggest that you become quickly and heavily involved in Al-Anon so that you can develop coping mechanisms and not allow his disease to suck the life out of you.

I wish you the best and I hope what I’ve shared has been of some help.

Hugs,
Kellye
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Old 11-11-2005, 09:12 PM
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BAIL OUT. BAIL OUT. ITS NOT TO LATE. BAIL OUT. BAIL OUT. ITS NOT TO LATE.

I am a male and a recovered alki. If this crap has already started, what is your life going to be like in a couple of years. What is your kids life going to be like in a couple of years. BAIL OUT. Forget the formalities and inconvenience of canceling the wedding. What is your life and your serenity and your peace worth.

Don't wait. Do it now.

If he gets sober and stays sober for a year and you still want him back, then revisit your and he's relationship then.

Bail out. Get out now.
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Old 11-12-2005, 05:54 AM
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I am also not going to give advice, but I want you to answer these 2 questions and be brutally honest. Put aside how much you love and care for him when he is sober. You are getting a full package.

1. WHAT DOES YOUR GUT TELL YOU THAT YOU SHOULD DO?

2. IF YOU TOLD YOUR MOTHER OR CLOSEST FRIEND WHAT YOU HAVE SHARED WITH US, WHAT WOULD THEY TELL YOU TO DO?

I think you know what you need to do, or you wouldn't have posted this question. My heart goes out to you. You don't need to be trapped in a situation like this. You have a choice.
Dawn
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Old 11-12-2005, 06:06 AM
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I agree with all of the above. It really is not too late to cancel. What is worse, the inconvenience of cancelling a wedding or the inconvenience of a divorce, which from what I hear is much, MUCH worse. Everyone who loves you (and loves HIM) will understand! You are NOT happy, obviously. You are supposed to marry into happiness, not misery. It is NOT too late. People cancel weddings all the time... I know it hurts, but it is for your own good - and his.
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Old 11-12-2005, 06:16 AM
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Please Do Not Get Married To This Person.

I Know It Is Frightening To Think Of Cancelling A Big Wedding, But Please Do Not Go Through With It. Not Now Anyway.

You Need To Impose Consequences And Postpone Weddnig.

Please Do Not Get Married. Get Out. Get To Al-anon.

Don't Let This Alcoholic Destroy You.

You Deserve More.

I Am So Sorry You Have To Go Through This.
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Old 11-12-2005, 06:27 AM
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Cancelling a wedding may cost you a few dollars.
Going through with the wedding, under these circumstances will cost you any semblance of a normal life.
And it appears as if you've already paid with your serenity.

You deserve better.
Shalom!
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Old 11-12-2005, 06:44 AM
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I have to go through with the wedding
where does it say that..??
is there a book that's written down in..?
did someone come and tell you that you have to get married to this guy..??
who says you have to go through with this wedding..?

I think you need to stop and look at what your telling yourself...
and why you are willing to put up with this type of behavior towards yourself..?

To me... your problem isn't the drunk in your life...
it's why you would even entertain attaching yourself to a person who is so far gone.
and if he's drinking like you say...
he's gone.

Better start examining your thoughts and taking a honest reading on them.

Sounds to me like your looking to create a nice little chaos nest for yourself ... and you know this... but that for some reason.. your totally ignoring what's staring you in the face.

Praying for clarity of sight and thought for you.
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Old 11-12-2005, 06:59 AM
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Originally Posted by historyteach
Going through with the wedding, under these circumstances will cost you any semblance of a normal life.
Excellent point, one worth thinking about.
Originally Posted by bikewench
To me... your problem isn't the drunk in your life...
it's why you would even entertain attaching yourself to a person who is so far gone.
Another excellent point.
Stacey, you are at a point where you can change things.
Give this some serious thought.
Ask the best part of yourself what she wants to do.
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