Mimbre

Hello Everyone:
I'm new, and had questions about behavior I don't understand. I'm not sure which thread to go to.....
I began a good relationship with a man a bit ago, and we seemed to connect very well. But stupidly I saw little hints that something may be up with his 'Beer', but didn't think it was a problem (okay, maybe my intuition thought it might be...but I had been with a musician for 14 yrs and am used to things like this).....
But then last week, something happened, and although he told me most of the details I'm sure, all I know is that he got arrested....and it brought everything to a head.
I then found out that he's been depressed for awhile (which I didn't see because he was always so happy when we were together, like I was), and has been drinking, and he believes he's got a problem with alcohol and depression. I think he began drinking because he was depressed, and they became a vicious cycle feeding off each other.
The things is, all last week his behavior jumped around from saying he didn't want to lose me or me to go anywhere, to telling me on an instant message(!) that he can't see or talk to me for now and not to wait for him. Then he keeps sending me a few more messages, and when I answered he says something like "you just don't quit..." and gets angry.
I'm not sure about whether to completely go away, or wait for a week or so and gently contact him....I don't know what to expect or how to react to his behavior because I'm not finding any info on the net about this.
I'm worried because he was having dangerous thoughts last week....it's upsetting to me because (i know this sounds selfish) I thought that if I made him as happy as he said and he felt the way that he said he did, then perhaps he wouldn't want me to disappear and would want me to still love him.
Or were all the things he said to me (even when he wasn't drunk) not to be believed?
Anybody have any suggestions?
Thank you

wantneeda

welcome Mimbre, glad you found your way here
you might try the ala-non forum here, lots of good folks here on SR
you must put yourself firt, saying a prayer for you and your boyfriend
hugs, Wendy

big1

let me begin by saying that what you are seeing is more of what u want to see than what there really is? the question you are really posing is can you fix this other person. Well let me ask u this. Can u fix yourself? It is obvious that u donot have a sponsor. and the only way u can get a sponsor is by ging to meetings? And before ging to meetings a person usually surrenders tothe idea that they have tried evrything they can on their own and their own methods ahve not been to succesull. Usually recovery involves the acceptance of some hard cold reality that does not feel godd.

The reality of realizing that we cannot trust our thinking.

CarolD

Run for the Hills!

Check out this for posts that might help you decide...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...splay.php?f=24

Mimbre

Thanks for your reply...
Do I need a sponsor? I'm not an alcoholic. I mean, I don't drink. But do I need a sponsor anyway since I now know somebody?
I think my problem is that I really don't know what I'm seeing. That's why the questions.....
So are you saying that I shouldn't trust anything? I think I'm not understanding what you mean. Sorry. A bit cryptic for me right now :-).

subliminalurge

I think what people are saying is that your boyfriend appears to be an alcoholic who is not ready to recover, and that you should remove yourself from the situation as soon as you can. If you stay, you're in for a lot of pain and heartache before things get better, assuming they ever do. They may not.

As a recovering alcoholic who was once in the same boat that you're boyfriend is in, I completely agree.

You sound like a very nice, caring, wonderful person. You don't deserve to get sucked into the middle of someone else's alcohol induced hell.

earlybird

I always feel bad for people who just dont get it.

Mimbre.....you cant stop anyone from drinking. You cant cure this. Nobody can. Your boyfriend has to WANT to quit. Deep down. Then,...and ONLY then....will he ever be able to quit and stay quit. There is no "But what if I do this...." or "What if I make him do this...." That stuff never works. If you cant seem to peel yourself away from this situation for whatever reason and plan on keeping him in your life regardless of his drinking.....you need to attend Al-anon meetings. These are for the loved ones of alcoholics. Look into it for your own good.