I Want To Get Clean...sick And Tired
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
I Want To Get Clean...sick And Tired
I am so sick of doing dope..I had three years clean..and exactly one year ago I relapsed and have been going pretty steady since..I get a few weeks then back to seeking chemical relief..I want it to b3e done..I am tired of the toll it takes in SO MANY ways..the thing is I don't feel NORMAL if I am not using.. I know exactly how powerful this disease is..I feel it talking to me every day..I am stepping out of the cycle RIGHT NOW..I have tapered off on my methadone use and am ready and willing ..I had a great support group that I left behind and they are still there and i need to reach out to them..I am such a isolater and can be very intolerant of people..I don't WANT to go back to meeting but I want to stay clean so much more..I am thinking of asking a gal to be my sposor but have been afraid..I know where this road I am on leads and I want to change the course while I still can?? Or CAN I ..I guess what I am asking here is can I come and post here and get support from you guys?? I will try to be open minded and be here for others too if I can...I hope I care enough about myself anymore to be able to save my ass..thanx to one and all who read this..I am a pretty sick and messed up woman right now so I will shut up and hope to hear from a few with some suggestions..northbelle
Red Hot Chili Pepper
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Jefferson --a State of Mind
Posts: 153
Originally Posted by northbelle
Or CAN I ..I guess what I am asking here is can I come and post here and get support from you guys??
Kelly
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
Thanx Kelly..i have to seek out all the support I can...I am online alot and instead of going to all the dope fiendy sites..like..the no script needed pharmacy!!!! I will come here instead,,Hey it is a start yeah?? northbelle
You're never alone!!
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 2,191
Originally Posted by northbelle
I am so sick of doing dope..I had three years clean..and exactly one year ago I relapsed and have been going pretty steady since..I get a few weeks then back to seeking chemical relief..I want it to b3e done..
It is excellent that you are ready, because it;s difficult as I'm sure you know, and you totally need to be completely ready..
I am tired of the toll it takes in SO MANY ways..the thing is I don't feel NORMAL if I am not using..
That is the power of the disease telling you that you are not normal when you are not using,, you ARE VERY NORMAL, because there is no real such thing as the word "normal" but my definition of normal is exactly that,, a normal person to me is one who does not use, that is normal to me,,
No matter what they do, if they are not using drugs or alcohol or anything to a major excess, they are normal... So you are "normal" in my book if you are not using
I know exactly how powerful this disease is..I feel it talking to me every day..I am stepping out of the cycle RIGHT NOW
..I have tapered off on my methadone use and am ready and willing
Wow, that is so great,, you ARe defianately ready then.. that isn't easy..
..I had a great support group that I left behind and they are still there and i need to reach out to them..
So just reach out to them, make yourself, that's what has to happen, you just have to make yourself go to that first group,, then it will be very easy, they will accept youback, I am sure of it...
I am such a isolater and can be very intolerant of people..
I am too, and that being a loner is the worst thing we can do!!!
I don't WANT to go back to meeting but I want to stay clean so much more..
So, you have to make yourself then...
I am thinking of asking a gal to be my sposor but have been afraid..
Again, do not be afraid, just make yourself do it.. What's the worst that can happen? She could say no?? Well, tell me what the worst thing that could happen to youif you do nothing and continue to isolate??
I know where this road I am on leads and I want to change the course while I still can?? Or CAN I ..I guess what I am asking here is can I come and post here and get support from you guys?? I will try to be open minded and be here for others too if I can...I hope I care enough about myself anymore to be able to save my ass..thanx to one and all who read this..I am a pretty sick and messed up woman right now so I will shut up and hope to hear from a few with some suggestions..northbelle
It is excellent that you are ready, because it;s difficult as I'm sure you know, and you totally need to be completely ready..
I am tired of the toll it takes in SO MANY ways..the thing is I don't feel NORMAL if I am not using..
That is the power of the disease telling you that you are not normal when you are not using,, you ARE VERY NORMAL, because there is no real such thing as the word "normal" but my definition of normal is exactly that,, a normal person to me is one who does not use, that is normal to me,,
No matter what they do, if they are not using drugs or alcohol or anything to a major excess, they are normal... So you are "normal" in my book if you are not using
I know exactly how powerful this disease is..I feel it talking to me every day..I am stepping out of the cycle RIGHT NOW
..I have tapered off on my methadone use and am ready and willing
Wow, that is so great,, you ARe defianately ready then.. that isn't easy..
..I had a great support group that I left behind and they are still there and i need to reach out to them..
So just reach out to them, make yourself, that's what has to happen, you just have to make yourself go to that first group,, then it will be very easy, they will accept youback, I am sure of it...
I am such a isolater and can be very intolerant of people..
I am too, and that being a loner is the worst thing we can do!!!
I don't WANT to go back to meeting but I want to stay clean so much more..
So, you have to make yourself then...
I am thinking of asking a gal to be my sposor but have been afraid..
Again, do not be afraid, just make yourself do it.. What's the worst that can happen? She could say no?? Well, tell me what the worst thing that could happen to youif you do nothing and continue to isolate??
I know where this road I am on leads and I want to change the course while I still can?? Or CAN I ..I guess what I am asking here is can I come and post here and get support from you guys?? I will try to be open minded and be here for others too if I can...I hope I care enough about myself anymore to be able to save my ass..thanx to one and all who read this..I am a pretty sick and messed up woman right now so I will shut up and hope to hear from a few with some suggestions..northbelle
There is excellet support here, just keep on posting people will respond
You CAN do this, just make yourself. You have come a LONG WAY it sounds like, so go for it, you have nothing to lose, but you have alot to lose if you keep on using..
Please stick around, read alot, There is a search spot on top of the bar on the opening page incase you want to search..
Also you might want to check down on the Substanc eabuse forum, thats where I mostly hang ou, you may get more help there, this has just been a bit of a slow weeked around here.. It will get better. There is also a spot called Women in recovey, that is also a great place to check out ..
Hang in there..
Love, Becky
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Right here.
Posts: 105
I know a little bit about how you feel. It's hard to reach out to people again after a relapse. When I relapsed about 9 months ago I really made an ass of myself. One night I got sloppy drunk and called up every single friend that I'd made in AA and yelled and screamed at them, telling them how I wasn't getting what I needed from the program, and that it was their fault that I was drinking again. You can imagine how humiliated I felt when I woke up the next day and realized what I had done.
When I decided to sober up again I avoided meetings for several months out of fear of having to face those people.
When I finally reached a low enough point, and needed the meetings badly enough, I went back. You know what happened? Each and every one of them walked up to me, shook my hand, and told me how glad they were that I'd made it back.
I suspect that if you reach out to your old support group again, you'll have similar results.
I understand the humiliation that comes along with a relapse. What I discovered was that, in my case, the cure for that humiliation was to have the humility to be honest about what I had done, and ask for help yet one more time.
It's beginning to seem to me that "humiliation" is simply the feeling that results when (false) pride gets in the way of feeling humility. I used to think that humility and humiliation were the same thing, but I'm beginning to understand that they're more like opposites.
When I decided to sober up again I avoided meetings for several months out of fear of having to face those people.
When I finally reached a low enough point, and needed the meetings badly enough, I went back. You know what happened? Each and every one of them walked up to me, shook my hand, and told me how glad they were that I'd made it back.
I suspect that if you reach out to your old support group again, you'll have similar results.
I understand the humiliation that comes along with a relapse. What I discovered was that, in my case, the cure for that humiliation was to have the humility to be honest about what I had done, and ask for help yet one more time.
It's beginning to seem to me that "humiliation" is simply the feeling that results when (false) pride gets in the way of feeling humility. I used to think that humility and humiliation were the same thing, but I'm beginning to understand that they're more like opposites.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Welcome and take a seat. In fact there is an empty one right next to me. Its the one I used when I had relapsed so I know how important it is to be in a comfy chair. Sit here next to me and I promise I don't bite.
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
Thanx you guys..I am just am up in the middle of the night and am so glad you are here..I was just starting to freak myself out..cause I can't sleep and my wonderful addict brain is talking to me!!!..Honestly though it does feel GOOD to be able to think instead of seeing things through a couded mind and body..It is only day two so I really don't know what is in store physically as methadone is a real hanger-oner but I CAN do it..if I CHOOSE to..Thnk you all for your support and I have made a few calls and am goingto a meeting on Tuesday..I work and am a single mom who is on foot up here in the last frontier of so getting around can be a challenge..especially now that it is FREEZING out again..but I will do meetings every day off I have and know who I am going to ask to be my sponsor..Honestly my fear of that is that I will not be able to live up to their expectations of me!! That i am not good enough or something..subliminalurge..thanx for sharing your experience because I had a very similar one and I need to get over it..I went to the meeting all loaded and have not went back because of the pride thing..Urban fool..Chy thanx!! Angelgirl..angel hugs..you heavenly creatures...Alera..thanx..it is good to be here and be heard..I cannot sleep so I am going to hang here and read and check out the suggested sites angelgirl..Do I just continue to add to this thread..or how can I erase it and post a new one??? Not sure how it goes here..but I am on day two now and have to go to work early and get my boy off to school.so I better try to get some rest....love to you all who replied..and those who didn't..northbelle
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Chapel Hill, NC
Posts: 2,274
Glad you are here. SR is a great place for online support, but it is no substitute for the human contact and support found at meetings. Keep coming to SR but also to real world meetings. You can do it--if you want it badly enough.
In Paradise!
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Pair-O-Dice, CA
Posts: 432
Pain is the best teacher, you go through enough pain you will change something!
How did you get three years before, sounds like something was working. Dont feel as though you failed anything by returning to the rooms, the people there know what you are going through. They to are also there for very similar reasons. We are are worst enemies. Methdone is no joke, I would be around other people who understand what you are going through. There is no reason to reinvent the wheel, do what worked last time. Please seek your support group, I am sure they are worried for you as well.
How did you get three years before, sounds like something was working. Dont feel as though you failed anything by returning to the rooms, the people there know what you are going through. They to are also there for very similar reasons. We are are worst enemies. Methdone is no joke, I would be around other people who understand what you are going through. There is no reason to reinvent the wheel, do what worked last time. Please seek your support group, I am sure they are worried for you as well.
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