ILoveMySon

I have had my suspicions for months that my son was on drugs. He has admitted in the past that he had used marijuana but denied anything more. His moods are up and down - he dropped out of school - can't keep a job. Lot's has been going on in his life - his girlfriend had a baby girl in August. The other day I mentioned to him that he seems to spend more time with a friend than he does with his girlfriend and daughter. I suspect that this friend might be where he gets his stuff. Friday night he did not come home and did not call us. On Saturday he called and said he needs help - he said he wants to be checked in somewhere for his drug problem. He did not come home last night but called at least 6 times. I asked him what he was using and he said crack, free-basing cocaine, sniffing, marijuana and alcohol. I started making phone calls to doctors and the emergency room to see what to do. They suggested that we get him into the emergency room for an evaluation. He came home this afternoon and slept - he just got up and wants to go to his girlfriends birthday party and says that he will go to the emergency room after. We have taken away his vehicle because he told us that he drove all the time while high. I am worried that he will change his mind about getting help - what should we do - I know he needs to want to do this but he is also on 17 and I feel as though it is our responsibility to force him. Also, he is the type of personality that if we push him he will just leave. He looks awful, has lost weight, isn't eating right - he said that food doesn't taste good. HELP!!!!!

Kathy Z

I understand how scaired and confused you are. Something you need to accept that you're not going to want to hear.......is that we can't *force* someone into recovery. It simply doesn't work that way. Many have spent years and years of their lives trying to get a loved one to quit using drugs or drinking, only to find they simply do not have that power. That's where the Al Anon, Nar Anon and Co Anon programs come in. For the friends and family of addicts/alcoholics. This program teaches us that addiction is a disease. A disease in which we are powerless over. The only thing that can stop an addict from using, is the addict himself. What will make them stop using and seek help? Suffering the negative consequences of their drug/alcohol use. This means we have to stop helping them. Stop coming to their rescue. Stop enabling them. Every time we fix one of their problems caused by their use, all we're really doing is prolonging their suffering. My suggestion to you would be to attend a face to face Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting in your area. Get yourself a copy of the Big Book of AA (bookstore, library, meeting, even readable online) and read it from cover to cover. That will help you understand exactly what your son is dealing with and what you can do to help him. You can learn how to stop enabling, learn how to detach with love, learn how to retain your sanity and peace of mind regardless if he's using or not. Keep posting and sharing. Pray to your Higher Power for guidance. You're not alone.

Kellye C

I want to agree with what Kathy said but I also want to add one more thing that you may or may not be aware of. He is 17 which in most cases means he is not an adult.............. except when it comes to health care/treatment. I found this out the hard way when my son was 16 and suicidal/depressive due to undiagnosed and untreated bi-polar. I was told that at his age he could choose not to be hospitalized and could check himself out whenever he wanted and that I had no say so in it. Furthermore, I could not go to his counseling sessions unless he gave permission. I was flabbergasted to say the least!

When he's willing to talk about it, encourage him to get help and offer to help him seek treatment any way you can as far as locating facilities, resources etc. At that point you have to step back because it is HIS choice what he does with the information. Do not preach to him, do not threaten him, do not enable him. You are within perfect right to take his wheels away from him since he chooses to get behind the wheel messed up. You are within perfect right not to take abuse from him nor to allow him to trash your home or belongings. You do not have the right to search for evidence in his room (we found this out the hard way through the cops when my sister was addicted to PCP). They have rights. You have rights. I would suggest reading up on them so you know what you can and cannot do. I would also suggest finding a support group for you and your family who has been there, done that or are still doing that. You're going to need all the help and resources you can get. They can share what has worked for them, they can listen to you and understand what you are going through and help you figure out what to do and what not to do. I really feel for you. Being the parent of two teenagers and sister to a girl young enough to be my third child I know the fear and pain of watching those you love self-destruct and being powerless to stop it. You're in my thoughts and prayers!

Hugs,
Kellye

Change4life

I have been an addict fo rover 20 years, and the best advice I can give you is to let him find the help he needs on his own. If you force him it will not help or change him. It is hard to watch the people you love struggle, but when it comes to addiction, it is up to the addict to find thier way back to sobriety. You can't do it for them all you can do is show support. I think he is using the party as an excuse to delay the inevitable. He needs to get help, and as an addict i can tell you that is very hard to admit, especially at 17. Get him to he hospital while he is still raw. once he starts feeling better he will probably decide he doesn't need any help. I wish you all the best. Whatever he decides to do is not some thing you can control, so for now I highly advise you going to go to some type of alanon, or FA meetings so you learn some of the tools you will need to deal with your son.

ILoveMySon

Thank you for your replies - I was suppose to bring him to her girlfriends but she came to get him instead - he said when he gets home he will go to ER - I have been taking more of a silent approach than what I have with things in the past and it seems to be working out better - he is opening up more - my husband and I are going to talk to him and ask him what part he wants us to take in his recovery - he has to do it on his own but we will be there for him as he needs us - I will find an Al Anon, Nar Anon or Co Anon group and will ask my husband and my sons girlfriend to attend - she has given him money in the past so I think she needs to understand what to do also - I am not sure that my son would ever attend a meeting - he does not believe in God - I am sure when he gets into a program they will advise him on a group meeting - I have a question on the health side - he said his taste buds seem to be gone and pretty much says the only thing that tastes good is ice cream - is that a temporary thing?

Change4life

If he is snorting coke or anything for that matter, he will lose his sense of taste. Our olfactory senses are very much linked to our taste buds. This is probably quite temporary. Also doing coke decreases the appetite in general, so food isn't as tasty as it would normally be. When I was doing a lot of coke not only did food have no taste, but I use to gag on it. Eventually that went away, and now I still don't eat the way I should, I have been eating more, and My taste is coming back nicely. B vitamins will usually help increase a persons appetite, they are also good for stress, and energy, so you might want tosee if your son will take a good B complex.

ILoveMySon

Wow - I have been reading some of the posts on this forum - this is scary stuff - I am hoping that if/when we go to ER they will want to keep him - the hospital in the town next to us actually has a short term detox center - I just don't see him being able to do this on his own without being admitted somewhere - the person that I spoke to at the ER said it could actually be dangerous for him depending on how much alcohol he has been drinking - well I am going to get away from this computer for a bit and get my mind on something else!!!!! Again - thanks for the posts and prayers!!!!

mParnell

I don't know how much I trust E.R.'s for special cases like this.
The one good thing going for you is the fact that he openly admited that he wants help.
I would look into a center that specializes in drug addiction with maybee some different inpatient or outpatient options rather than wait in some creepy inpersonal ER waiting room. You already know what the problem is, there is now need to wait for some doctor in the ER to tell you what you already know.
Look for a specialist. If you can get him to go with you willingly it's always better than to feel forced.

Only my opinion. Good luck.

Change4life

Don't let the posts scare you. Many of the people here are a lot older than 17 and have been using a lot for a long time. Take one day at a time. With younger people it is sometimes the case that they are substance abusers, but are not addicts YET! The key is to stop the habitual behavior before it turns into addictive behavior. Don't
automatically think the worst, you will drive yourself crazy. all abusers are different. So don't think every post you see represents your sons life, there are different stages of addiction, hopefully he is in the early stages and you can get him some help. Wishing you the best.
Hugs,
Beth

Change4life

My friend has a son with substance abuse problems, he just went to a place called new beginnings. It is run by recovering addicts and is relatively inexpensive, but a good facility. It is PA which really isn't that far from you. I can't remember the web site, but if you do a search, just look up new beginnings ministry. I agree with mparnell, the ER might not be the best option out there. Once again I wish you and your family the best.
Beth

lynn41068

Get to a FA meeting. They changed my life and helped me understand the addiction disease. Bfree4U is my friend. We met thru SR. She is a very smart and caring woman.

Really check out FA. It is the best place for parents of children who are addicts.

If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me.

Lynn
NJ

Change4life

I wanted to refer you to lynn, but didn't want to do that without speaking to her. Since she responded I thought I should let you know you are both going through similar situations, she has been through a lot and knows what she is talking about. FA has really helped her learn to deal with her son, so you might want to check it out. If you have any questions PM Lynn she is an angel disguised as a human being. I am still trying to figure out where she hides the wings and halo.
Hugs,
Beth

ARIES

Welcome...
And again (just like other threads of family members)it just had to make me cry again...So recognizable...I wish u all the best with your son...Maybe you can give him the adress of SR too...

Love from Stefanie

cleanmachine

ILoveMySon, sounds like my mom about 16 years ago. I was drinking heavy when I was seventeen and my mom was at a loss for how to help me. I am now 33 and just getting sober. It is true...you cannot help someone who doesn't want to help themself first, no matter how much you love and care about someone, especially your own child. It ripped my mother's heart out, but she never once deserted me. She would not support my habit, but she never gave up hope that I would someday want my life back. It has been a long road, one I hope you DO NOT have to travel with your son. The only thing you can do is love him and be there when he hits bottom.

ILoveMySon

We did end up going to ER and I guess it was a good thing for a place to start - he has been pretty sick and has bronchitis - they gave him a breathing treatment a precription for an antibiotic and his cough (all non narcotic) - of course the docotor asked him lots of questions about what he has been doing - the cocaine/crack has been for 2 months but it has been every day for 2 months - prior to that he was drinking occasionally and smoking marijuana - so as he said the 2 months everything started to make sense to me - I don't think I posted this earlier but his girlfriend had a baby 10 weeks ago - of course along with that baby came many responsiblities and her parents have been pushing for him to pay $50 a week in child support to them - thing is he didn't have a job at first - finally got one a week and half ago but struggled making it through the day or at least he felt like he struggled - his boss loved him and said that he works hard and wants to get him back after rehab - anyhow I am not trying to make an excuse for his drug habit but I am aware that he has been struggling with his new responsibilities - while they took my son for xrays I had the opportunity to talk with his girlfriend - apparently when I questioned her a couple of weeks ago about the crack she got pretty frustrated with him and broke up with him - my husband and I were not even aware of this - he called her back the other day and said he wants to clean up and asked to see her - this concerns me a bit because I hope he is not doing this just to get her back - the flip side of that is that he does miss seeing her and the baby and wants to spend more time with them so I guess in a way it still is for him - the plan is to call our insurance this morning to see which facilities he can go to and what the coverage will be and then go from there - I am letting him sleep as long as possible because I know when he wakes up today he will be grumpy and he can be nasty towards me - he had his last fix yesterday morning.

cleanmachine - how sad everything that you went through - it just breaks my heart reading peoples stories on this forum - I shed many tears as I read on here last night - I think it was a good thing - I have shed many a tear for my son and cried myself to sleep many a night not knowing where he was or what he was doing - for some reason this time when he called and told me things I didn't cry it was almost like I was frozen so it was good to get it out - i am glad that you are now sober - enjoy every day of life!

Stefanie - thank you - I thought about telling him about this forum or about sober-teens.com - I am just worried about him getting on the computer - I guess he would IM dealers to buy stuff

Beth - if a rehab place around here does not work I will check out New Beginnings

Lynn - what is FA and where can I get information on it - I know I will need help and I would for my husband and my sons girlfriend to get help as well - as the doctor was asking questions last night and my son was answering his girlfriend was shaking her head and mubbled I can't believe you were doing that - my son told her to get the **** out of the room - she didn't but stopped making comments - we will need to know how to approach things, what to say and what to do!

MParnell - I was a little concerned about going to ER given the situation - it was a good thing though to get treatment for the bronchitis - luckily the doctor that he had was nice and spoke with him gently as he asked questions - he did ease my worries a little and said he will not die as he is coming off the drugs - his alcohol intake has not been that high so the main withdrawel will be from the crack

AliGamal12

I know I am replying on a 12 year old thread, but I just want to know what has happened.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Ali

D