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Old 09-29-2005, 02:23 AM   #1 (permalink)
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A New Bottom


I messed up and used. But this time, something worse happened. I used a lot more cocaine than usual and I started getting chest pains. Things just felt all weird inside of my chest. Then my lungs felt funny and started aching. I am not having trouble breathing or horrible symptoms. My body just feels really strange now because it is like something is going on in there. If I overdosed, something worse probably would have happened. If my symptoms get worse, or if I have trouble breathing, I will have someone take me to the ER. I thought that I was dying! I said, "no, I don't want to die this way!" I am scared to death. I don't know what is going on with my body.

On top of this, I just found out that the roof of my mouth has deterioration due to cocaine abuse. All of those temporary fun times lead me to a lifetime of struggles. I wish I never touched that drug. I'm 24, and my body is probably similar to someone 2 or 3 times that age. I want recovery! I want my life! I don't want to die this way. I think I saw that I could die and it scared me so much.

I deserve so much more out of life than to be in the grips of addiction.
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Old 09-29-2005, 02:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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we;re PMing..
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Old 09-29-2005, 03:11 AM   #3 (permalink)
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"I deserve so much more out of life than to be in the grips of addiction."
---->Angelhugs, you know this!!!!! Please, let's try to do this together! I know you can do it, you CAN pull away fr0m it.
I'm here if you need to talk
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Old 09-29-2005, 05:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Yes. You are worth a LOT more. Hang in there. We are all pulling for you.........

Hugs to you--
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Old 09-29-2005, 06:27 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Yes, I am here for you aswell. I had a similar effect during my last coke bindge too. It was scary and I kept asking God to keep me alive. I felt that if I closed my eyes, I would not live anymore. My heart was in so much pain. I know what you are going through and I never want to feel that way again. I know you don't either. Stay strong and fight for your life. You know what to do.

Love,
Rob
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Old 09-29-2005, 07:11 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Angel, I am glad you are alive. Life is a gift. The good news is we get to open it again every new day. It is a gift but it is our responsibility to cherish, enjoy and take care of it. It can be so hard sometimes. Life can feel like so much pain. I guess we just have learn to live with the pain without f##king it up to much. I am glad you made it back. Together we can get through this madness of addiction. I know you know the other side of using has so much of what life can be. stay well
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Old 09-29-2005, 07:40 AM   #7 (permalink)
One day at a time...
 
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You are definitely worth alot more, I'm glad you're here. Today is a new day, you can do it.
Please let us know how you're doing.

hugs and prayers
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Old 09-29-2005, 08:57 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi Angel. You sound so sad. I hope you write today and let us know how you're doing. We'll be thinking about you and praying you are ok.
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Old 09-29-2005, 10:53 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Hi everyone, I'm doing semi-better, well sort of. I'm still alive. I thought for sure that I was on my way to a heart attack this morning. I had the symptoms and I talked with a doctor in the ER and she told me that it was a big concern. I decided not to go to the ER and I just waited it out. My vision was blurred, two of everything. I was in the apartment all alone. That experience scared me out of my mind. I went to a dark place that I pray to God I never have to go back to. For the first time, I saw how close I could be to death if I use. This disease kills and I don't want to give it my life. I think that this may be a big turning point for me. That was the point at which I truly knew that I never wanted to go beyond. Time to work on turning it back around.
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Old 09-29-2005, 11:00 AM   #10 (permalink)
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AngelHugs,

I don't think it's easy or wise to be trying to get through this alone. You must have someone, anyone, nearby that you can confide in and who would be willing to put their arm around you and hold your hand while you get through this time? I mean a real physical person.

Even the ER would have been able to put you in touch immediately (or at least within hours to a day) with someone who would be willing to be your shoulder and help you get through the tunnel, help you stay afloat until you are swimming on your own.

Being by yourself during a time like this is never empowering.
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Old 09-29-2005, 11:12 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Hi Angel,

I'm worried about ya. Can you get some help somewhere? A mental health center or an NA meeting? I remember having terrible panic attacks after smoking crack some years ago. You've helped me alot in the past week or so. I sure want to see you get back to your old self.

Paul
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Old 09-29-2005, 11:18 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Dear Anglehugs,

I am so sorry that this happened to you, it must have been so frightening. Cocaine is such awful stuff, kind of like alcohol in that once you start you can't stop until it is all gone. It's been 20 years, but I remember the sleepless nights listening to my heart pounding so hard I thought I would die. Some fun, huh?

Death is a real possiblility. It happened to John Bulushi, and countless other less famous people. I am glad that you will never do this again. You probably need to cut ties with whoever is supplying you with this poison.

My thoughts are with you, I hope you will feel normal again very soon.

Love,

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Old 09-29-2005, 12:19 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I pray for the Powers That Be to impart a portion of their strength upon you!

Host of Heaven, Guardians of Life, gird her spirit with the armor of Gideon and arm her with the sword of Solomon. Empower her with your Might so she may be able to tear asunder the vines that entangle her.


Please, please don't use any more! It seems you use increasingly more each time you go back. If you OD, you might not make it back here the next time.

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Old 09-29-2005, 12:26 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Angelhugs you have been doing so well, don't stop now. I know exactly how you feel, I have been struggling with coke/crack for a long ime, almost as long as you have been alive. I stay clean for awhile, and then go back, each time I went back my using would double, till I was finally out of control. Just stay away from it, stay away from the people that use, and stay away from whomever you are getting it from. Lose their #, and if they call don't pick up! That is what I did and after awhile he got tired of calling, and stopped. I know you don't want to die, and I don't want you to die, you are so young with a lot of life ahead, are you really gonna throw everything away on some white poison powder. PLEASE WE ALL CARE, WE NEED YOU TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

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Old 09-29-2005, 12:43 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Hang in there, Angelhugs!

You said that "If I overdosed, something worse probably would have happened."

When it comes to cocaine, any dose is an overdose. I know you can lick this thing before it licks you. Stay strong.

Linda
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Old 09-29-2005, 01:45 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Oh Angel!
listen to what midas and all your friends here are staying...next time you might not make it back...each binge is getting worse....your addiction WILL kill you if you let it. Use your support structures, DO (don't try!) what you need to, you ARE too special to just end up another statistic...cocaine WILL kill you if you just allow it.
Please try stepping up NA or something that can help you to beat this! I't's bloody hard, but we CAN do it - and YOU can do it and YOU deserve it!

Love
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Old 09-29-2005, 02:08 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Hi Angel...Can't realy use to many words cos I'm rather messed up myself...But today is your sobrietydate...Well it's mine too....Let's go for it....Love from Stefanie :hug
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Old 09-30-2005, 08:11 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Hey Angel, how are you today. Better I hope. Please let us know.

Marilyn
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Old 09-30-2005, 10:12 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Angel- Have you seriously considered getting yourself into a rehab program?
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Old 10-01-2005, 02:21 AM   #20 (permalink)
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I'm still here. I am going to a meeting tomorrow morning.

Rehab is not an option right now and I did consider that for a while.
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