Enjo4

How do you deal with the jeleousy?

I have been sober since June 5, 2005. Something like 110 days (I don't feel like counting it right now. If anyone wants to tell this lazy bum it is welcomed). I have been doing pretty good with the program. I attend AA meetings probably 1-2 times a week, but I do not have a sponsor. I have not drank since that day. I never thought that I would make it this far. I never have in the past. I enjoyed my first sober summer. Not only did I survive it, but I had a blast!!

Lately I find myself being jeleous that I cannot have just a couple. My boyfriend stopped at a local watering hole after work yesterday and had a couple. He is not an alcoholic (maybe drinks once a month). I found myself being angry at him and having an attitude towards him because he was able to have just a few, get a nice glow, and then come home. I felt very miserable last night because of this, and it isn't fair to him that I have an attitude toward him.

How do you all deal with the jeleousy and not cop an attitude towards your loved ones when you wish things were different.

I am still sober, so for that I am grateful.

hotwingeatter

Wow, even sober women give guilt trips? I was hoping to get rid of that by sobering up. just kidding

Wow, that would be hard to deal with especially if you get close with that person and have to smell the alcohol. I think If I was OK to drink and my lady wasn't I would have the respect to now come around them after consuming. But, that is just me.

hopealwayz

I have a good friend who can go out with friends, have just a few, and come home. Sometimes I feel jealous of people who can handle it. But, then I realize that I am blessed to be able to enjoy everything without alcohol. Instead of using alcohol to relax, I can find other good activities to enjoy. Better memories are made doing stuff without drinking. To this, I am grateful.
I guess it is just normal to feel a bit jealous at times, but we just have to think about the positive things about our lives.

Don't worry though...these feelings pass.

Hugs,
Angel

hotwingeatter

In my group all but 2 of us drank. we both quit at the same time. Last year I had quit and had a different freind, out of this group, that would always drink in front of me. It was terrible Nothing made me want to have a drink more then to have a drink with her. When we came back from vacation I gave into temptation. I ruined everything I had worked for.

I think if it bothers you it can be a threat to your sobriety. I'm sorry if you all don't agree with me but, that is what I have found for me.

But, now I have the will power and support to take it back. And I will be back in the same place I was before with in 2 to 3 months!

got_2loveme

I'm gonna quote something directly out of the Big Book - Hopefully this might give some insight on the "dilemma" that is at hand right now -

Bill W. wrote -

Assuming that we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things that alcoholics are not "supposed" to do. People have said that we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all.

Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.

We meet these conditions everyday. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with their spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch & ruin everything !! Ask any women who has sent her husband to distant places on the theroy he would escape the alcohol problem.

In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which purposes to sheild the sick man from temptation is doomed for failure. If the alcoholic tries to sheild himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion then ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have failed.

So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, IF WE HAVE A LEGITIMATE REASON FOR BEING THERE !! That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, & even plain ordinary whoopee parties (I'm not sure what a whoopee party is - but this was written in 1939 - alot of the words have not be revised - obviously). This may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't.

You will note that we made an important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each occassion "Have I any good social business or personal reason for going to this place ? Or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere of such places ? If you answer these questions satisfactorily, you need have no apprehension. Go or stay away, whichever seems best. But be sure you are on solid spiritual ground before you start & that you motive in going is thoroughly good. Do not think of what you will get out of the occassion. Think of what you can bring to it. But if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead !!


So, to me after having a spiritual experience as a result of working these steps - and being in concious contact with my HP & knowing what my motives are behind going somewhere or being exposed to this lifestyle again - I can go - but if it isn't pratical then it isn't spiritual !! I must remember that !! I don't know what kind of world that anyone else lives in - but I live in a world that I am regularly exposed to drugs & alcohol - by no choice of my own - because I refuse to live a sheltered life !! When I'm around these things - it's not about ANYONE ELSE & what they are doing - it's about ME, MY SPIRITUALITY & MY THINKING !!!!!!!! I can't expect anyone to not have alcoholic beverages at their homes - I don't have that right, but I do have the right to keep myself in line by the grace of God - today !!

It's not suggested to be exposed to the lifestyle of which is noted above if your really new in recovery &/or if your in a vunerable or shaky state of mind, body & spirit - But there are promises in the Big Book - that as you continue to work these steps & apply them to your life - you are relieved of these dilemma's !!!

12 step programs took me out of the lifestyle - God took the lifestyle out of me !!!

Lively

I don't really have any advice for you but I wanted to tell you I think I would feel the same way in your situation, right or wrong. Luckily for me right now I don't have a boyfriend or husband. You're also right that it's not fair to him for you to be nasty to him because he can drink and you can't. Figuring out how to manage those feelings is the big mystery. Big help wasn't I? lol

Btw, you're been sober 108 days Congrats

Irish Virus

Since you attend AA meetings, maybe it's time to get a sponsor. I don't know what step you are on, but at this stage you should be working a 4th step by now and a sponsor can help with your personal inventory.

The jealousy which you are experiencing is in fact a character defect. I consider it one of the 7 Deadly Sins (Envy). If you are making a list of your defects, this should be
added in my opinion when you ask God to remove them.

sickk&tired

Hi Enjo,

I don't believe in God, I don't attend AA. I use other methods to stay sober; ie scaring myself silly with documentaries, this forum, etc :-P. I've been sober over a year now, and I know exactly what you mean. I can't tell you how to stop feeling resentful, but I can tell you that it gets better with time. I've also recently started going to therapy to work out those issues, and talking seems to help a lot :-).

earlybird

Its normal to be jealous of people who can still drink. Happens to most of us. But you need to think about that for a second. What are we REALLY jealous about??? We never WANTED to drink like them anyway. That wasnt fun for US. We wanted to go waaaay past just that "nice glow". Being sober is its own reward. We arent missing anything.

Jupiter2

I think Dr. Bob talks about this in his story in the Big Book. He felt bad when he was faced with the fact that he could not drink any more. He came to realize that he had abused the privelege to drink so badly, that he just wasn't entitled to do it any more. The consequences were just too great at that stage of his disease.

I think this feeling lessens with time. It has started to wane for me at 7 months and I hear this just keeps improving.

You are doing fine and just let the feelings happen. They are perfectly natural and understandable.

Jup.

2tough2die

I'm around the same as you in terms of time, just passed 4 months a bit ago. Congrats

I feel no more jealousy toward "normal" drinkers than I do towards people who can dance, sing the blues, play in the NFL, or the other thousands of things I can't do.

To me it's just a matter of accepting, and then embracing my sobreity. Do I occassionally wish I could drink? Sure, I think we all have 'those times'. But I wish I could do a lot of things... but like wishing I could fly just by flapping my arms, doesn't mean I want to try it.

fuster

Feeling jealous about boyfriend having " a couple" is a pretty good barometer as to whether your recovery program is working. If it was working you would not feel jealous to the point that it made you post on here. Yes, we all have some times where having a drink or drug sounds good. But if it does not go away fairly rapidly ( for me, maybe a few minutes at most ), then you may want to write down what you do daily for your recovery program and see if someone else with more time in recovery (and whom you know has a solid recovery program that is successful) can see anything that needs to be changed or added to your program.

Sometimes we realize that our plan is not working because....there isn't any plan.