My Story..6 days sober..need support
I have six days sober after a relapse. I am doing pretty well and getting support from a couple boards, but had an awful craving last night because I got some bad news (but made it through!) and would love to get some support. Here's a bit about me:
I didn't start drinking until I was in college. I was a very introverted, scholarly, "good girl" in high school..didn't touch the stuff. I always hated the way I was perceived by people in my hometown...I wanted to be popular and well liked..not just known as a quiet smart girl. So, I picked up and graduated a year early from high school. I went to college right when I turned 17. I made a conscious effort to change my "image". I drank my first night of school in the dorms..Southern Comfort(terrible...and I never touched the stuff again!!)..I loved the way it made me feel, even though I got deathly ill afterwards. Major hangover. Alcohol made me fit in finally...made me extroverted..made me feel like the me I wanted people to know.
I abused alcohol like any other college student and actually slowed down in the end. Graduated and went on to get my MBA. Drank in graduate school when appropriate..always in excess, but I was in control.
In 97, I got my first job. And over the years, I did well and moved around to several different companies, always in higher level positions. My peers were as a majority men, older men who I usually felt intimidated by but didn't let it show. I always could project this aire of confidence, even though I didn't feel it inside. (we all know about facades) The "confidence" or my quick success made women dislike me or talk about me and men to wonder out loud "who I slept with". That hurts deep to the bone, but you keep on plugging along like that stuff bounces off you. On top of that, it's difficult to make friends at work (for me) since my peers were primarily men and, especially in my field, you have to maintain a professional distance with everyone, but especially those under you. So, I drank at night to drown that pain...not much at first..but building over the years.
My last job was a Regional position in which I traveled constantly. I looked forward to drinking in first class on planes, drinking at business dinners, drinking with others at work to loosen up because I wanted people to like me..I was responsible..always showing up for work on time, always doing what I needed to do..if I had to make a big presentation the next day, I'd control my drinking the night before. I was highly functional. But very very lonely.
When my husband and I had a baby in '03, I quit to stay home and raise children. I wanted to do that, but the transition from being someone who worked and had that "power" to taking care of an infant who didn't provide much intellectual stimulation, was difficult. So, I drank out of boredom...at night like I usually did. And then, slowly, I allowed myself to drink earlier..I think ultimately, the earliest I started was about 2 in the afternoon. I controlled it in such a fashion that I was alert and just "slightly buzzed" until my husband could come home and take over the care. It got to the point where I probably was drinking two bottles a wine a day...don't know maybe more..we'd open up several bottles..I don't know how much I got at night and how much my husband got..although I am sure I got much more.
I got worried because one day I lost control and drank too much before my husband got home and was almost passed out when he got home. My 1 year old was toddling around without a mother watching what he was doing. God, it still scares me to think about.
I went into a rehab last year. It helped and got me grounded, gave me an understanding of AA and some of the issues that hurt me that I described above.
I couldn't keep up with AA when I got back. I don't know if it's for me. Still trying to make that decision. One thing it has taught me is that I do need to reach out and talk to people..(these boards and another board have helped me) because I do believe that people who drink tend to ultimately isolate and don't reach out, but I don't necessarily believe that AA is the only way. Everyone has to find their own way.
I got pregnant shortly after I got back from rehab. I thought that would help. And in those first three crucial months of pregnancy, I didn't touch a drop (funny how we rationalize things...I didn't touch alcohol at all in my first pregnancy) However, every once in awhile, I would drink moderately, more in the end. After my daughter was born in June, it got out of control again. Quickly. Funny how fast that happens. I drink out of habit and boredom more than anything. I can easily put down two bottles of wine, champagne..seems to be my drink of choice and what I would do on a typical afternoon/evening.
So, I knew I had to start doing something about it again. I stopped drinking on Friday after I got home from a vacation. I feel really good this week, and I hope I can keep up contact with others to help support me. I am really so miserable when I drink. It feels good at first, but it gets me nowhere.
Thanks for listening to my long winded story!!