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Old 09-11-2005, 06:19 AM   #1 (permalink)
NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!!
 
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Who am I?


I guess a better question is: What kind of person do I want to be?

I have resently had these questions pretty much thrown in my face. With a little over a year sober, I think it's time to dig deep and try to figure this out. Lot's of questions here, I'm just gonna put it our there.

My Dad called on Monday to let me know he was still alive and just working a lot. I invited him to my daughters birthday party. (She is two and just TOO cute). Wednesday he calls back and asked me to get her something from him. Said he would see us on Saturday (which was yesterday). I got her a gift from him, but he didn't show.

This hurts me very deeply. Is it because I want to much for him to be a part of my life and he just can't? Is it because he didn't keep his word? Where are the morals he taught me? Or maybe it was Mom that taught me those, or I'm just learning them along the way?

I know better then to "expect" anything from anyone. My expectations are usually to high anyway. I'll just get hurt pretty much everytime. However, he SAID he would be there, so I hoped, and expected him to be.
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Old 09-11-2005, 06:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Sooo, I guess I owe an apology to my family that was at the party. I kind of lost it and went of (just a little) about my Dad.

I went and talked to my sponsor, cause I really could have drank about this. But knew better, that it wouldn't fix anything anyway. She said a lot of this that I didn't like to hear. You know that's what good sponsors do. I'm still early on in my sobriety and I get tired of always needing to do the right thing. I'm use to being the in your face bad gal. This good girl stuff is new to me. Much harder on the heart, but much better for sobriety.

Man, I seem so shallow letting something like this bother my so much. With all the things I have to be grateful for. I was at the party, I get to see my daughter grow up, I get to be a part of her life. If he doesn't want to share in those things, then that's his loss. I kind of feel sorry for him.

With all the devistation in the world, my "problems" seem so minimal. But they are real to me. And they hit me right where it counts, in my heart. I guess if I didn't love him, then this wouldn't hurt me. Now I just have to decide how far am I willing to let this go. Some people are just not healthy for us. Even our own fathers.
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Old 09-11-2005, 06:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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How do we set the boundaries to keep us safe and sober? When is enough enough?

My sponsor explained it like this... There are some people we let on our sidewalk, some in the yard, some on the porch. Some people we let into our house, our living room. But very few people do we allow in our bedroom. Those are the people we really trust and tell all to. Maybe Dad should stay in the yard!! LOL

I can laugh a little about this now. That is a great way to think about this. But how do you do it?

What kind of person to I want to be? Continue to invite him to things that mean the world to me, but not be hurt if they don't mean anything to him and he doesn't come.

Keep my side of the street clean, keep the line to my heart open (knowing I could and probably will get hurt again). What very painful lessons we learn during sobriety.

So much easier to say F you and the horse you rode in on!! LOL

But I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to care for others and be there for them. I want people to know they can always come to me and feel safe. I want to love freely, knowing that I can and will get hurt. But isn't love what life is all about?? I want to be happy and sober and set an example for others. Life is so good it you let it be!!
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Old 09-11-2005, 07:22 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Little Missy;
I don't think it's unreasonable to be disappointed that your dad said one thing and did another. That little girl inside still needs to depend upon her daddy.
But, you make a valid point about protecting yourself. And I think the answer lies in acceptance.
You can continue to invite him to important days in the lives of your family. Just accept that he may or may not show. Accept what is for what it is.
For whatever reason, he could not follow through. I'm sorry for your pain over this, but, anger won't change it. Can you view him as being ill? Self absorbtion is an illness. I don't know if he has alcohol or other problems too. If so, you KNOW he's sick.
Protect yourself by having no expectations and by accepting what is for what it is. Others do only what they are able to do at the time, no different than you and I. And when they, (we), know better, we all do better.
Shalom!
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Old 09-11-2005, 07:46 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Missy
It is completely normal for you to feel very disappointed in your Dad.
And you are processing it all in a very healthy way.
I have similiar issues with my Dad as well and can relate to your frustrations.
I just have to remember to remember that he is simply human.

That aside it is very good to see you and be reminded that I travel this road to recovery with such beautiful people.
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Old 09-11-2005, 07:49 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Smile

Missy... ...you answered yourself!

Life is so good it you let it be!!

Here is the good part...at 2 your daughter did not miss him. Perhaps he will be more responsible in the future.

Way to go on your recovery.... you sound super!

Blessings...
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Old 09-11-2005, 08:37 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Thank you all so very much. I just love to be able to come here and sort out my feelings. I actually prefer to do it here rather then on paper. That way I can have the insight of others.

My Dad just showed up here. He stayed about 20 minutes. He works nights and about 80 hours a week. He said he didn't wake up when his alarm went off and why didn't I call him. I said he was a big boy and he could take care of himself. He of course was defensive to start with.

So the saga continues. I'm sure he doesn't mean to hurt me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Like my sponsor told me yesterday, he would probably give his life to save mine, but other then that, he may not be able to give my what I need. Crying my eyes out here!!

What a powerful, heart warming thought. That he would die for me. Sad, but yet I feel that it is true.

I guess it's time to grow up and realize what is important. When you break it all down, that is what matters, the underlying love a father feels for his daughter. Even if it is not in him to show me the way I would like him to. Life is not about me, and he does the best he can.

PLAN: Always call Dad 1/2 hour before the event starts. Even though I feel this is not my responsibility, it will save a lot of heart ache!!

BTW, I let him into my living room, I didn't make him stay in the yard!! LOL
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Old 09-11-2005, 08:56 AM   #8 (permalink)
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((((Missy)))),
I'm happy that your Dad showed up. I think calling him before the gatherings is a great idea.
I can relate to your situation. It's both my parents who hurt me. My Dad, when I was younger....he died 16 years ago. My Mom, everyday. She was raised in a very cold, unfeeling, unemotional family. I don't ever remember feeling loved by her. She let us know daily that we were burdens and her "job" was to provide food and shelter, nothing more. I spent most of my life fighting to get her to love me. I finally gave up. I quit. With the help of this program I was able to let go. I now have a new family in AA. I feel so loved and am learning that it's safe to love in return.
I wish you the best.
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Old 09-11-2005, 10:22 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Hey Missy, Sorry to hear about your fathers no show. It is sad . One thing to remember is parents are not perfect they make mistakes just like we do . The best thing to do would be to call him up and talk about it , let him know how dissappointed you were. and then move on. Family stuff is hard to deal with sometimes. Congradulations on a year sober, I hope to be there next year.Just try not to let dissappointments in life get to you. if you take care of your feelings right away , theres less chance of relaspeing.
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