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Old 09-11-2005, 04:35 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Is my Wife Drinking? How Can I Tell?


I do not know whether my wife is drinking secretly. I am at a loss to explain her erratic moods and desire to blame me for everything. Also her incredible rationalisations for absurd behaviour have me utterly puzzled.

One example of many: - Family games night with the kids - Four of us round the table playing and enjoying the action - She only pops into the room when called to have her turn then leaves at once. Claims she really is with us. Claims it is normal for Mom to be so busy she is unable to be with us all as a family. EVen though only present for 20% of the game claims "of course" she was with the family.

Spends a lot of time away from home and finds excuses to overnight in the City. Claims this is because I am so awful. What if she is drinking?

Is this the sort of post that someone will reply to?

Do I look back here or will people email me directly?

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Old 09-11-2005, 05:15 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR, Kiffiejet!
You've come to the place for support. There will be many here to welcome you and to help you on your journey.
It might be best to remove your email address. This is the internet, and anyone can see it. Although SR is a safe site, anyone can visit.
I'm wondering why you think she is drinking? I mean, her behavior doesn't sound *normal* (whatever that means), but, is there any other reason you would suspect drinking? Has she had problems before with drinking? Have you suspected drugs? Or is it true that she's really busy? Are you having marital problems that she would want to escape from?
I pray that is not the case. But, if she is drinking, there is bound to be evidence. Bottles or cans left around or stashed in strange places. The smell would be evident too. Have you spoken to her about these thoughts?
Whatever she is doing, there is still the possiblity of peace for you and your children. In alanon, we learn to put the focus on what we can do for ourselves and of course, the children. We learn that we can't make someone else do anything, but, we can set our boundaries to protect ourselves.
We didn't cause this; we can't control it and we can't cure it. But, we can learn to cope with addiction. At SR, you'll find many to help you learn to cope, and then to thrive.
Hope to see you here often as we both grow in our recovery.
Shalom!
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Old 09-11-2005, 07:58 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Old 09-11-2005, 10:16 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Kiff:

You state that she:

"Spends a lot of time away from home and finds excuses to overnight in the City. Claims this is because I am so awful. What if she is drinking?"

Even if she is drinking, did you wonder who she is drinking with. Her saying that you are so awful and then heading off to the city for an evening of fun doesn't sound quite right to me. Maybe she's bored with the married life and "Family games night with the kids" ain't her idea of playing and enjoying the action anymore.

Unless she smells like a brewery and is staggering around the house, from what you have said I think booze is not a major issue if any.
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Old 09-11-2005, 10:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I have to echo the thoughts here. What is making you think she is drinking? Why is that the first thing you're thinking of. I have to wonder if there is a history of past drinking or if you were involved with someone else who drank to make your mind turn to that as a possible explanation. No criticism here, just wondering. If she is drinking it should be pretty apparent by smell or demeanor.

I too find the staying away in the city disturbing but not necessarily to drink. Could there be someone else? Could she not be wanting to spend "family time" together because she feels guilty? I don't know. Have you tried talking to her about it, laying out what you're noticing and see if she can offer a decent explanation rather than justifications? Just thoughts.

I'd really like to hear more as I feel certain there is more to this story. Based on our questions and observations maybe you could tell us a little more and maybe we could be of more assistance?
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Old 09-11-2005, 06:45 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thank you people for your responses. So many questions! A family support person made the drinking suggestion. I do not know whether Listerine can completely cover the alcohol. Who can give ma an answer on this?

If you can definitely smell the alcohol on a person even though they use Listerine then she can not be drinking while around me but may still be drinking when away in the City.

Her father was an high-achieving professional abusive alcoholic who made his kids' lives hell by verbal abuse night after night once he was drunk.

They were never good enough for him. My wife's behavioiur has changed dramatically since her father's death. Also her sick old mother was abusing alcohol until whe was put in a frail care home. The family is generally in denial about their parents drinking.

Does this bit of info help?
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