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Old 09-10-2005, 11:07 PM   #1 (permalink)
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What to do?


Hi, We are looking for information regarding the steps to finding a treatment center for our oldest son. We are in a position to get him into treatment but he is no longer a minor, and we do not have the income to pay for this kind of service. We feel he needs to find a way to pay for some if not all of the costs involved... we think he would, but he would have to make payments. Anyway, we are in Northern New Mexico. We are willing to get him to a neighbor state. Or at least somewhere within 600 miles... perhaps more if needed? He is an alcoholic, and addicted to several substances. Any suggestions to finding a solution? We feel there is not much of a window here... as usual huh? Thanks!
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Old 09-11-2005, 12:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi Mani and Scott.

Both my kids are addicts, 4 inpatient rehabs between the 2 in the past 18 months.

Daughter was a minor for her first 2, but we still had trouble as my state (Washington) does not allow involuntary commitment of minors. So we waited until she was coming down (crashing) and was a bit vulnerable... and just asked her if she would like to go to a 2-day drug assessment. This was the advice of the treatment center (www.sundown.org) in Yakima, Wa. She agreed.

Son never did agree, so we kicked him out (he was 18). He started getting in trouble with the courts and because of his pot/alcohol addiction was unable to comply with court ordered outpatient treatment. They finally gave him the choice of jail or inpatient. By then, he was ready, I think. But that was a looong 2 years for us. Today, he is 20, sober and working recovery.

Daughter is clean, not really working recovery, pregnant and has many of her addict behaviors. She is 18 and living with her newly sober addict boyfriend.

The link I provided has a toll-free number. They accept state funding and have many patients from out of state. They man their phones 24 hours a day and the reception staff (and all staff, for that matter) are either in recovery or have a family member in recovery. They are wonderful and a great resource. Please give them a call.

They might suggest Alanon for you. If they don't, I do. Alanon helped me with MY sickness of fear, terror, worry and obsession. They saved my life. No exaggeration. I hope in your search for a rehab center you can also find some Alanon meetings in your area.

Peace.
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Old 09-11-2005, 09:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Smile Welcome

to SR.

The Salvation Army is who you should contact.

I got sober....as have many others...without a treatment center.
AA is the program I use.

Best wishes to all of you...
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Old 09-11-2005, 10:17 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you everyone who has responded...

Hi
This is Scott... I am not the person with the addiction... it is our oldest son. In any case I felt I should try to be clearer... Mani and I have been a couple for a year now. We have taken responsibility to help our combined children. That numbers seven. 2 are over 18. The youngest is 9.
But I digress... The oldest boy is needing treatment... as well as his brother, the later being a minor we are on top of that. Now, the oldest is facing serious charges and we feel we can take advantage of the situation... He is very ripe for the picking so to say. That said; our oldest son who is 20 years old, no insurance and no one has or is willing to put any more investment into what the rest of the family feels is a lost cause. This may or may not be true. But as we are in a position to try we are going to try to get him to put himself into treatment. he has shown a side of him that wants a better life so very much. Unfortunately he also goes into the "cycle" and starts using. Once that starts it is a week or 2 before he is back agian at the point of shame and self loathing. He would be able to make payments after getting himself straightened out, he does tend to follow through with contracts... but I can not guarantee it. Mani is his biological mother who is watching as I type. I am stepping up as a support for her journey in this matter. We are very familliar with the community of Alanon, etc. The problem for us is New Mexico. This is a state that doesn't want to spend money on these issues until it is too late. Then the courts get involved and no treatment starts until you have done your time. Not that any state likes to spend money. Our son is not capable of doing this on his own. We are not too sure if he is as ready as he needs to be, lets face it "bottom" is a different place for each of us. So we have to decide... since he has been circumventing our work with his minor brother, by buying booze and other substances, telling him how much better his world is, etc. they need to be seperated... removing each others support in addiction. The courts have made it so both can be prosecuted for having contact. The court knows this has not worked. They continue to find the holes and slip through them. So, all we can do is ignore it and wait the 6 months for the younger one to be 18 and send hm on his way, let them find bottom together. Or we can press charges and pile on the criminal charges coming down the pike for the oldest. Or perhaps something else? In New Mexico the youth shelters are only for 1 month (according to the drug court and others in the system) so we can not put the 17 year old out of the home...
Anyway, the problem has been holding us back, and even though we have support from the system, the "enemy" is in our house and community. We have followed the directions of the experts for some time who now say that it is a bigger and more difficult situation. We do the work, but without the boys acceptance. Until they desire this change we are at war in our home and community. That is the latest from the support system set up in our community of families with addictions. What can you do after following all the resources are shown to be ineffective? Well I guess it means that these boys want their addictions. So, please keep in mind we have been dealing with this for several years using all the resources available in our community. It would take a book to list it all here and we have done some 3 times.Please refrain from any more advice in this area. We are here as our community is not capable of dealing with the level of determination and damage these boys have. We need to step up the ladder so to say for a longer veiw. This is not unique, I know there are many others who have sadly watched as the addictions in our kids slowly kill them. We understand how much these kids must want to have change... But before we say to them that we can not watch from such a close place and send them away to deal with it on their own, we are giving it a "last" shot in the dark. I am hoping (as mani) that we can find the target in all the smoke and mirrors.
Thank you for your patience in this matter, the length, and understanding of our pragmatic approach in this matter...
Scott and Mani
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Old 09-11-2005, 11:30 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Unhappy Hello Again...

I am sorry if you foudn my reply not helpful.
I will clarify...

I mentioned the Salvation Army because they have a free treatment program that is well respected.

I said I had not done treatment and still am sober because I wanted you to know it is possible to find recovery with no treatment center.

Many people are not aware of their options.

I understand your flustration.
2 of my adult children have been active in their various addictions for 30 years.

I too could fill a book.

Anyway...I am sorry for your situation.
I do hope you find answers. Blessings...
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Old 09-11-2005, 12:56 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi there, I'm Laurie an Alcoholic with a lot of sober and clean time. I used to live in Albuquerque and Now live in Las Cruces.

Have you contacted Turquoise Lodge Yet??? heres the web site:

http://www.health.state.nm.us/turquoise/default.htm

If they do not have a bed at the time you call, they can go far in assisting him (you) to find a place for him IF HE IS READY.

If he is not, it may be time for him to PAY THE PRICE for the ACTIONS he has taken, in other words TAKE RESPONSIBILITY, this many times is a Great "Wake Up Call".

When I worked with newcomers to recovery while in ABQ we used the resourses of Turquoise Lodge a lot and they seemed to have a very helpful staff of workers.

PM if you like and I will see what else I can find.

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-11-2005, 10:53 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi Scott, I guess I AM still confused.

Neither boy wants treatment, the state has no or little resources, you can't have them in your home (affecting other children).

If your insurance won't pay, and if your state has no money for treatment beds, then I agree with Carol - the Salvation Army is a good bet! They are free.

The key is, I believe they are voluntary, so if your son does not want to go, then he may have to find his "bottom" on the street.

In Alanon, I learned about the 3 Cs...I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it, and I can't CURE it. That isn't just a cute saying - it is the truth, and one that I continue to relearn.

Trying to manipulate the criminal system into pushing your son into treatment could backfire... leaving you holding a lot of blame. There was a time I would have done exactly that, though, in order to save my child. After some bad outcomes, today I hope I would not do that.

It took me doing everything I could possibly do and failing before I "gave up" and let my daughter go onto the street. She has decided for her own reasons to get clean and sober... forgoing all the chances and opportunities we had thought we had so well provided for her.

Today, I know it is her life to live, one that is likely guided by a Higher Power and not by ANY thing I can do.

I hope you can find some help for your son. The reason I posted the link in my last response was because that treatment center has a nationwide reputation for an excellent family program.... not many treatment centers do.
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