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Old 09-10-2005, 12:49 PM   #1 (permalink)
Learning to Love Myself
 

Join Date: Jul 2005
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need help...think i hit my bottom...giving up control!


well, i had a rough week, and on wednesday, i decided i was too miserable to go on. I tried to kill myself, and my friend found me and aided me for the last few days.
then, apparently, my ex-sponsor (&friend in program) had been calling me like everyday, but i wasn't answering my phone. so my friend who i was staying with, decided to call her behind my back and talk to her about what had happened.
my ex-sponsor got worried and went to a family friend of mine (also in program) and told him i was on suicide watch. He then proceeded to tell my "like-a-mother" and she then called and yelled at me that she can't lose me and all this stuff and that she was gonna tell my dad.
So now i have everyone freaking out on me. and then to top it off, when i tried to talk to each of them, they all ignored my calls and sent me text messages that they were done and that i needed to get help and they weren't going to talk to me till i did.
what the hell is that? i am yearning for love and support and when im at my worst, they all abandon me? i just don't get it?
i realize now that i probably do need help, but i don't know what to do. i did get a chance to talk to my ex-sponsor because i stalked her and waited outside her work when she got off.
she told me she was looking into hospitalization and gave me the number to her dual addiction doctor.
but even thought she is kinda helping, i feel like everyone expects me to do it alone, and i am so scared right now. escpecially since the closest people to me are now not talking to me.
im just really scared, if anyone can relate to that. i know i need help, but it's really scary for some reason when i think about getting help. i want people to care, but when they get all freaked out like this, i don't like this kind of attention on me. i don't like this kind of care.
can anyone relate to this?

please someone respond!

-Psych
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Old 09-10-2005, 01:01 PM   #2 (permalink)
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(((PsychoMess )))

Welcome, my name is LeAnne and I'm an alcoholic. I don't know what your drug of choice is, but it sounds as if it is kicking your butt. Don't feel bad, you're not alone.

My feelings on your family and friends is they are scared and angry. Scared that they will lose you to the disease and angry over the disregard it has for lives. My guess is they are distancing themselves because they've seen it and heard it before. Reach out for help. Go to some meetings. Don't let your bottom go any lower. Lead by example. After your loved ones see that you mean business this time, they will more than likely come around. Think how hard it must be to watch someone you love throw it all away and try to take their own life. That is hurtful and very scary. Pick up the phone and call your sponser, get some help. Keep coming back and vent. One thing for certain, you don't have to go through this alone.
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Old 09-10-2005, 02:26 PM   #3 (permalink)
It is what it is!!!
 
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I am sorry for what you are going through. Please take their suggestions and get some professional help. Sometimes family members feel there is no more that they can do. I know when my mom had had enough of my using chaos I was cut off from the family and let me tell you it was the best thing that she could have ever done for me. It forced me to hit my lowest point in my life and I got help for myself.

Please get professional help.

And keep posting, we are here and we do care.
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Old 09-10-2005, 03:22 PM   #4 (permalink)
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The family dilema!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by PsychoMess
well, i had a rough week, and on wednesday, i decided i was too miserable to go on. I tried to kill myself, and my friend found me and aided me for the last few days.
then, apparently, my ex-sponsor (&friend in program) had been calling me like everyday, but i wasn't answering my phone. so my friend who i was staying with, decided to call her behind my back and talk to her about what had happened.
my ex-sponsor got worried and went to a family friend of mine (also in program) and told him i was on suicide watch. He then proceeded to tell my "like-a-mother" and she then called and yelled at me that she can't lose me and all this stuff and that she was gonna tell my dad.
So now i have everyone freaking out on me. and then to top it off, when i tried to talk to each of them, they all ignored my calls and sent me text messages that they were done and that i needed to get help and they weren't going to talk to me till i did.
what the hell is that? i am yearning for love and support and when im at my worst, they all abandon me? i just don't get it?
i realize now that i probably do need help, but i don't know what to do. i did get a chance to talk to my ex-sponsor because i stalked her and waited outside her work when she got off.
she told me she was looking into hospitalization and gave me the number to her dual addiction doctor.
but even thought she is kinda helping, i feel like everyone expects me to do it alone, and i am so scared right now. escpecially since the closest people to me are now not talking to me.
im just really scared, if anyone can relate to that. i know i need help, but it's really scary for some reason when i think about getting help. i want people to care, but when they get all freaked out like this, i don't like this kind of attention on me. i don't like this kind of care.
can anyone relate to this?

please someone respond!

-Psych
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Old 09-11-2005, 07:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
Learning to Love Myself
 

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Unhappy

thanks everyone for your responses. i am coming around. i ws really negative when i first came to this site and the program. i don't know if anyone remembers how negative my profile was at the beginning. probably not, because i don't think i drew much attention.

i feel like im trying, but when i listen to people and see it from the outside perspective, i really am not doing EVERYTHING i could be to get help. i just don't want to be alone. and im afraid that even if i get my act together, my family and close friends will still not talk to me. how do you know they will take me back after i prove myself? i don't like the unknown.
but i am going to call the dual addiction doctor on monday to at least see if i can calm the feelings down a little.
thanks for all your support. please don't leave me. at least with this site, i don't have to feel totally alone.

-Psych
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Old 09-11-2005, 08:09 AM   #6 (permalink)
JUST DO IT!!
 
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((((PsychoMess))))

Glad you are here and as far as drawing the attention if you need any lessons on that one just let me know I am good at that.

Love Vic
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Old 09-11-2005, 12:03 PM   #7 (permalink)
Stopping the tornado
 
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Hey Psycho.
You're family sounds like mine. It's been such a struggle with them. I feel like they think I wanted to become an alcoholic psycho mess. I feel like they only see things from their perspective, what my disease is doing to THEM.

Sure, I understand my addiction impacts them negatively. But like you said, it makes it that much harder to stay sober when you feel abandoned.

However, I took on the attitude that "I'll show them I can get sober." It taught me I CAN get sober on my own. In the end, I feel stronger and more confident because I achieved sobriety without them.

I wish you well, you're not alone in this. You have all of us at SR.
Lisa
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Old 09-11-2005, 12:08 PM   #8 (permalink)
Jack
 

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You have to do it alone

Hi Psych....booze is a depressant. If you take enuf of it you'll get depressed. You tried to kill yourself. Doesn't this tell you that you need help? You say " I feel like everyone expects me to do it alone". Who else is going to do it? You have to do it alone and for yourself, not so Mommy loves you. Your step mom will love you again when you stop trying to do this without doing anything except whining, "I am yearning for love and support and when I'm at my worst they all abandon me". Well, surprise, surprise...when you're at your worst who would want to be around you?
You need to take charge of your life, stop leaning on family and friends for pity and get your stuff together. I hope you make it.
God bless
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Last edited by jbm125; 09-11-2005 at 12:11 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 09-11-2005, 01:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Hi Psyche! 9 years ago, I tried to kill myself..with a pint of JD and a bottle of Xanax. Ironically enough as lonely as I felt before I tried to commit such an act, it was nothing compared to the lonliness I felt afterwards. My mother too, freaked out.. and basically fell back into the shadows... of course, she never really had been completely available.. but, my friends as well, backed off. FEAR has away of making people shut down. It was at that time, I had to ask myself, "do I really want to die?" or do I just want someone to hear me... to help me.. to SEE me!! And the answer was the second choice. I took it upon myself to get professional help and quit my destructive behaviors..(first time at it!!) and get to know myself. Because nobody was going to want to know me or be there for me, if I didn't understand my own thoughts and feelings.

Anyhooooo... I just wanted to write and let you know you are not alone with your feelings... I have been there and it's a lonely place. But, you CAN do it!! If you peel off the crap that hovers above your head, life actually isn't that bad. Even with it's downs!!

Hope today is going well for you!!

Kelly
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Old 09-13-2005, 08:15 AM   #10 (permalink)
Learning to Love Myself
 

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Thank you jack! i need that push every now and then. i can take it. thank you! Its different coming from fellow addicts rather than my parents (where it just seems like a lecture). i take it with heart coming from you! no hard feelings, but i listened! thank you for the kick in the A**!

and thank you Kalleigh! its nice to know someone has been right where i was at and pulled through.

im doing better...still having negative "pity pot" thoughts, but trying to stay in the solution and out of the problem. trying to stay positive. it is hard though.

i have a doctor appointment tomorrow (wednesday) to get on some meds. he is a dual addiction doctor (recommended by my ex-sponsor), so no worries!

that's my update. thank you all for being here!

-Psych
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