Wife and children of a fallen user
 

My husband has been clean for 13 years. We have 2 children 6 & 4. He now has had several fallings of being clean. He has made us promise after promise that that time will be the last and he keeps breaking his promises. I told him whatever he needs from me I am willing to do it but he never reaches out in his time of need. I don't know what to do anymore for him, me and my children. I need some much needed help. I don't know how to go on or what I should do!!!

Welcome Brando. I am so pleased to see that you found the Nar-Anon section on this board.

Warmest wishes
Evanna.

Hi Brando...I hope your husband has been in a program. If AA who's his sponsor? You should talk to him. If he doesn't have a sponsor talk to your family doctor, go to AlAnon, if you go to church talk to a clergy person. We all relapse and it's not the end of the world unless the user goes over the edge.
Maybe you need someone to talk to him in a non-judgemental way, in a helpful way. If he's been clean and sober for 13 yrs you know he wants to do the right thing. Bon chance.
God bless

He did start an out patient several months ago but it is another county and meetings only in the evening. He is the only one working in the home right now and his hours conflict with the meetings. I told him I can not living like this and the same for my children, but I do love him but I can't keep letting him think he can destroy himself and all of us. I don't know how it is to have a drug addiction so I cannot know exactly what he is going through. I am physically and emotionally sick over this and it is also effecting my children. They cry for him when he doesn't come home for hours. I told him I cannot live this way anymore and subject the children to this. I too came from a household of an abusive alcoholic father and I to this day have issuse with it so where do I turn . I know he needs help and I want to know how to ASSIST him in getting the help but I feel as if I can't just keep threating him with leaving. Maybe if we do he will realize, maybe not . I need some help desperately!!!!!!!!

Welcome, BRANDO...

There is help available both here on SR (come on over the the Friends & Families forum and introduce yourself!) and in Al-Anon meetings.

I hope you'll avail yourself of the hope and help both venues have to offer...

Believe me, you are not alone!

My husbands problem is with Crack and Cocaine, does that make a difference where I should post?

Brando,
A drug is a drug is a drug. You are posting in the right spots. Don't worry about that.
However--crack and cocaine. Serious stuff to have around in a home with children. You need to put them first and foremost. Your husband is a big boy--a sick big boy, but still an adult. He must do the work. You have to decide how much you are willing to put up with. You have to decide how much at risk you want to place your children--because they are at risk. You probably know that from your history of living with an alcoholic parent.
Have you tried attending NARANON or ALANON? That is great face to face support and you would have people in your area to call for immediate support when you need it.
Study your options, take a deep breath, lean on your Higher Power and trust your instincts.
Dawn

Brando, I agree with Dawn. I attend both Alanon & Naranon (the addict in my life is my 26 yr old daug) the face to face meetings saved my life. I get so much out of the meetings.

Be gentle with yourself. You didn't cause it, can't control it & can't cure it. It is a disease.

I noticed your first post on the Naranon side. You will get a lot of help, understanding & strength here at SR.

Prayers & Hugs,
SB

Brando - hang on, this is a tough ride. Addiction is a horrid, nasty, terrible disease. But there is hope - people recover every day.... but I don't know any that recover because someone else "assisted" them in their recovery. They recover because they want to and are ready to do the work themselves.

You can never know how he is feeling, or what he is going through. And it doesn't matter one bit. It is HIS addiction, not yours. You cannot fight the battle for him... even when he begs you to "help". All the help I was ever able to give ended up CONTINUING the addiction.

The best thing I could do was learn about addiction, learn about boundaries and learn how to protect myself from the addiction.

The man you love is still there, but he is hidden beneath the addiction and you are NOT dealing with him. You are dealing with the addict. They are not the same person.

There is a sticky post in the Naranon forum called "What addicts do". I would suggest you read it. It helped me understand that the incredible dishonesty, the horrible lieing had not one thing to do with me. It has to do with addiction.

Try about 6 Alanon meetings. They saved my sanity... and my life.

I wish you the best.