I am new, and very anxious
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: QUEENS, NY
Posts: 200
I am new, and very anxious
Hello,
I am new to this forum, and a little about my story is that I broke up with my exabf 6 weeks ago, I knew him for many years before we dated and knew he had a colourful history with alcohol and drugs, actually years ago we all were doing it so I didn't read into it that much, anyway he said that he wasn't doing that anymore and he wanted different things in his life, we began dating and everything was great, we adored each other, talked about a future together etc.. I found out that he was abusing drugs behind my back and threatened to break up with him, he promised to get clean, didn't want to lose me etc.. so we agreed to stay together on condition he was clean and sober, (I also quit drinking at this point) he was to attend meetings which he did for a short time, then he said he didn't need them. To cut a long story short he was doing drugs at work, would binge out every other weekend, and one night became physically abusive, after which he swore he was done and getting clean (of course I bought it, although I was very angry)
I broke up with him 6 weeks ago, put all this stuff out, and haven't heard from him since. I should be happy about this, not to have the drama anymore, but to be honest I am miserable. I know he has being coking it ever since we broke up, drinking, pot etc.. and I thought the break up might be enough for him to get his act together, its not and I am really disappointed. His room-mate is kicking him out this weekend and I have the urge to contact him, try to get him to see sense, I know I can't do this but I feel sooo anxious, it really hurts not to have him in my life and also to see him ruining his.
I am hoping he is close to the bottom, although what I consider the bottom and he does is probably very different. I have been attending al-anon two weeks now and that makes me feel better that day, but weekends are tough! I wonder how long it is going to take to move on from this, when will I not get upset when I hear what he is doing. By the way he has avoided me and his room-mate like the plague!
This whole situation has also confronted me with my own issues with alcohol, I binge drink when I get upset and have done 4 times since we split, it wasn't pretty and the hangovers were brutal.
If anyone has any input on this I would love to hear from you. Thanks X
I am new to this forum, and a little about my story is that I broke up with my exabf 6 weeks ago, I knew him for many years before we dated and knew he had a colourful history with alcohol and drugs, actually years ago we all were doing it so I didn't read into it that much, anyway he said that he wasn't doing that anymore and he wanted different things in his life, we began dating and everything was great, we adored each other, talked about a future together etc.. I found out that he was abusing drugs behind my back and threatened to break up with him, he promised to get clean, didn't want to lose me etc.. so we agreed to stay together on condition he was clean and sober, (I also quit drinking at this point) he was to attend meetings which he did for a short time, then he said he didn't need them. To cut a long story short he was doing drugs at work, would binge out every other weekend, and one night became physically abusive, after which he swore he was done and getting clean (of course I bought it, although I was very angry)
I broke up with him 6 weeks ago, put all this stuff out, and haven't heard from him since. I should be happy about this, not to have the drama anymore, but to be honest I am miserable. I know he has being coking it ever since we broke up, drinking, pot etc.. and I thought the break up might be enough for him to get his act together, its not and I am really disappointed. His room-mate is kicking him out this weekend and I have the urge to contact him, try to get him to see sense, I know I can't do this but I feel sooo anxious, it really hurts not to have him in my life and also to see him ruining his.
I am hoping he is close to the bottom, although what I consider the bottom and he does is probably very different. I have been attending al-anon two weeks now and that makes me feel better that day, but weekends are tough! I wonder how long it is going to take to move on from this, when will I not get upset when I hear what he is doing. By the way he has avoided me and his room-mate like the plague!
This whole situation has also confronted me with my own issues with alcohol, I binge drink when I get upset and have done 4 times since we split, it wasn't pretty and the hangovers were brutal.
If anyone has any input on this I would love to hear from you. Thanks X
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
Hi and Welcome to SR. There is a forum here for family members (Al-Anon) you can lets of info there about your boyfriend and you will find lots of info and support here for yourself.
nogard
nogard
Keep On Keepin' On....
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Alberta
Posts: 41
Okay, first things first...you mentioned that you wanted to go and talk to your boyfriend in the hopes that he would see sense. As an addict with the most wonderful husband in the whole wide world, I can tell you honestly hun..it really doesn't matter what you do or do not tell him. I remember Kurt almost at the point of tears, begging me to look at what I was doing to him, and our children...but I couldn't hear him. At the time, I told myself he was over-reacting to things, and that he just didn't want me to have any fun. When he took my pills away and forced me to detox last year, I hated him. When he found out I had relapsed and took my pills away and took time off of work this year, I hated him for it. Today, I finally am beginning to come around and realize how lucky I am to have a husband willing to stand by me and love me in spite of my craziness and addictions. That, however, took a good long time to come to. In the meantime, he suffered, and this whole family suffered right along with him. I was too high to see it, or care about it, to be frank with you. You can't talk to someone in this state of mind. It may not be that the person you know would react, or act in the fashion this man is now acting. BUT, you have to remember that this disease is cunning, baffling and POWERFUL...right now, it has him in it's clutches, and you aren't going to break through that wall until he's ready to let you. In the meantime, if you have identified a problem with drinking in your own life, I urge you to get to meetings now, and really focus your energy on your own recovery. You certainly can't help him if you are not well yourself, right? So, go and work on you for now, and try to let his issues stay his...you two are not together right now, and that said hun....his life is really not any of your business anymore.
Let go and let God. Take good care of yourself, and love you enough to get you the help you need. Let him and God work on his issues...
Michelle.
Let go and let God. Take good care of yourself, and love you enough to get you the help you need. Let him and God work on his issues...
Michelle.
Keep On Keepin' On....
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Alberta
Posts: 41
Just a couple of other quick notes to you, hon.
1. You mentioned the weekends are really tough-Are there AA or Ala-non meetings close by you that run on the weekends? Also, you spoke about Ala-non and then close with the fact you think you have a drinking problem also. You need to decide what side of the fence you are on here, either you are an alcoholic (and if you are asking yourself if you are one, chances are you are. If you are still unsure, there are checklists available online that you can go through...or I'm sure someone here would be kind enough to type one out?? Pretty Pluleeze
) or you're not. Figure that out, then take appropriate steps in the direction that revelation leads you.
2. "He is avoiding (you) and his roommate like the plague"- Perfect!! That will give you the time you need to really focus and work on your own recovery. If he wants to avoid you, let him. He is not your concern right now...you made that decision when you asked him to leave your home. (And GOOD FOR YOU, by the way! That's a hard call to make, and you did good, hon!) Now, take the other steps away that are required. Sometimes, when you leave someone, you don't leave them all the way, and so, although you are no longer in the relationship because you decided it was more than you were willing to accept, you are living in the relationship by gathering information on this person, and worrying about his welfare. As hard as it is to do, you have to walk totally away, and ask your friends not to regale you with tales of his life.
3. "I broke up with him 6 weeks ago, put all this stuff out, and haven't heard from him since." : I think this is a strong indicator that the relationship was meant to end when it did. If he was really hurting and upset over losing this relationship, he would have attempted to contact you and work things out. Clearly, right now this man is more interested in his drugs and alcohol than in this relationship.
I don't say that to be mean, or cruel to you...I know this must be very difficult for you. The point is that at some point soon here you need to fully let him go, walk totally away, and focus all this energy that you are currently directing his way (which is doing neither of you any good, by the way) back onto yourself.
Take good care of you.
Michelle.
1. You mentioned the weekends are really tough-Are there AA or Ala-non meetings close by you that run on the weekends? Also, you spoke about Ala-non and then close with the fact you think you have a drinking problem also. You need to decide what side of the fence you are on here, either you are an alcoholic (and if you are asking yourself if you are one, chances are you are. If you are still unsure, there are checklists available online that you can go through...or I'm sure someone here would be kind enough to type one out?? Pretty Pluleeze
) or you're not. Figure that out, then take appropriate steps in the direction that revelation leads you.2. "He is avoiding (you) and his roommate like the plague"- Perfect!! That will give you the time you need to really focus and work on your own recovery. If he wants to avoid you, let him. He is not your concern right now...you made that decision when you asked him to leave your home. (And GOOD FOR YOU, by the way! That's a hard call to make, and you did good, hon!) Now, take the other steps away that are required. Sometimes, when you leave someone, you don't leave them all the way, and so, although you are no longer in the relationship because you decided it was more than you were willing to accept, you are living in the relationship by gathering information on this person, and worrying about his welfare. As hard as it is to do, you have to walk totally away, and ask your friends not to regale you with tales of his life.
3. "I broke up with him 6 weeks ago, put all this stuff out, and haven't heard from him since." : I think this is a strong indicator that the relationship was meant to end when it did. If he was really hurting and upset over losing this relationship, he would have attempted to contact you and work things out. Clearly, right now this man is more interested in his drugs and alcohol than in this relationship.
I don't say that to be mean, or cruel to you...I know this must be very difficult for you. The point is that at some point soon here you need to fully let him go, walk totally away, and focus all this energy that you are currently directing his way (which is doing neither of you any good, by the way) back onto yourself.
Take good care of you.
Michelle.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Expectations lead to disappointment, which lead to resentment.
If you broke up with him to manipulate him into getting sober...and he didnt, well..thats a form of controlling an alcoholic.
If you broke up with him to be free of an emotionally abusive relationship, then good for you. Al-anon, friends, therapy will help you cope with your loss.
Think of what your motive was and maybe that will give you some peace. In the mean time, keep going to al anon, maybe check out AA open meetings to learn more about the disease. Keep coming back!
If you broke up with him to manipulate him into getting sober...and he didnt, well..thats a form of controlling an alcoholic.
If you broke up with him to be free of an emotionally abusive relationship, then good for you. Al-anon, friends, therapy will help you cope with your loss.
Think of what your motive was and maybe that will give you some peace. In the mean time, keep going to al anon, maybe check out AA open meetings to learn more about the disease. Keep coming back!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: QUEENS, NY
Posts: 200
Thank you so much guys for your advice, the whole weekend was spent being anxious about him and I ended up having a huge binge on alcohol. Going to AA tonight, think I needed to binge so now I absolutely have to focus on me and get help for my own addiction before I destroy myself. Day one, shaking and feeling awful and very scared, not worried about exabf, gotta worry about me now.
Appreciate your responses, Thanks again
Appreciate your responses, Thanks again
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
gotta worry about me now.
If I don't put my own welfare first... then there is not enough left of me to put myself fully in my life...and I'm running around looking for ways to fill that hole of emptyness in me...
I know today that that emptyness is because I know that I'm not there for myself first... and my person and soul feels how wrong that is... and all my angst stems from that knowing....
the knowing that I keep pushing away because it's unfamiliar...
I may still not be able to put myself first in my life... but.. thanks to recovery and the program and the endless support on SR here... I'm at least not last on my list anymore...
Keep looking for your path to a better life...
even if it's an inside job.. ;o)
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