sick and tired

Hello all,

I am new to this site. I am not an addict myself, but my husband is. He has always done some kind of drug. It started with marijuana from a very young age. Now it he has graduated to cocaine, benzodiazepines, and opiate pain medication. I am so frustrated.
Friday, he had a psychotic episode after doing a combination of pills and coke. He had a knife to his throat and was spouting out paranoid delusions. He burned the trash and some of my clothes. That was my 5th wedding anniversary.
Saturday, he voluntarily admitted himself to detox. He was very honest with the counselor and staff there. Monday, he was discharged and he seemed to have a new outlook. He stated he wanted help and he didn't want to do drugs anymore. The detox center gave us several numbers for therapists, not one could see him. Tuesday, he said he wanted to get some fresh air. So he went for a ride on his Harley.He didn't come back until 10 pm and he left @ 4pm. When he finally came home he was acting strange, just like he does when he is high. His mother and I hid his keys and some of his money. He admitted to doing coke and then pain pills and then he denied using anything. I know he went and got drugs and I have found the sedatives which I flushed down the toilet in front of him. Since Tuesday, he has been using. I can tell. He denies and makes every excuse for his increased heart rate and runny nose and other symptoms.
My husband has one friend that I can trust. The others are not too many steps away from where he is and they lie sooo much. This friend has been a confidant for my husband and me. We talk often about my husband's situation and he is as frustrated as I am because we can tell he is lying his butt off.
So, today I told him that I was going to get help for myself and when I was healthy, (My life has been consumed with his problem for 3 yrs now), I was going to be in a healthy relationship with him or without him. He said "nice, Why are you accusing me of doing drugs?" I have given up. I can't believe he honestly thinks I am that stupid. I know what a great guy he can be. I just don't know if he will ever see it for himself.
So, today I have looked in the papers and the internet. I have called the hospitals and tried to do everything I can to find a support group meeting or counselors and there doesn't seem to be anything around here. What can I do? I feel trapped. My husband calls me names and shoves me when he gets upset now. He neglects me and his responsibilities. Confronting him only makes him more angry. I need help for myself and I don't know who to call or where to go to get it.
I know I deserve better than this and I have passed my breaking point. I am a Baptist and have prayed to God for so long and encouraged others to pray for him. Should I just kick him out or should I hang in here again? My family is sick and tired also and I don't know how many times I have been told to leave him. I don't even tell them anything anymore. Please tell me if this is worth all the hurt. I am tired alone and angry and I don't like the person who I have become. Please help me.

michski

Kick him out and get on with your life! He clearly has chosen his addictions over his love for you. The more you tolerate his behavior and buy into his drama the sicker you will become... Put an end to the madness.

I am an addict/alcoholic who walked in your husband's shoes 3 and a half years ago. I gotta tell you that I didn't take sobriety seriously until my husband took leaving my sorry butt seriously. We alkies and addicts don't have a corner on the expression "sick and tired of being sick and tired" Sounds to me like you're there too.
Alanon will help you recover from this flat out betrayal. I hope you'll find a meeting and check into the program. You really need to educate yourself about this disease before it consumes you.
Yours in Sobriety,
Michele

Closure

Hey... Hang in there... Is there a church you attend regularly? If so, have you considered speaking with the pastor? Also, I found some NA meetings nearby you at this link...

EDIT: The link I posted won't work.. But you can go to www.na.org and do a meeting search by your city/state. I did it within 20 miles and found several meetings...

The closest is 11.7 miles... Hope that's not too far...

You've found a GREAT place to get help, stick around...!

Raistlin

It is a complicated situation and I am sorry that you are in the middle of it. Coming from a recovering addict who has been in your husbands shoes... my wife putting up with all of the lying, conning and manipulation DID NOT help me in the end. The only thing that gets us to the point where we utterly surrender and reach out for help is through suffering CONSEQUENCES. The loss of his home, wife, freedom, whatever... are going to be part of the consequences that bring him to the point where he is willing to change. It is A LOT easier said than done, but if you make a decision you NEED TO stick to it. Be very clear to him and to YOURSELF what you are doing and why. Love and support him, but from a distance, then maybe you may one day have back the man you know he can be.
With love,
Raistlin

Cathy31

You need to look into looking after YOU. addicts, if they are not prepared to get help, in my opinion, as an addict, they don't deserve it. They don't deseve to take others down with them it's not fair! And you should not allow it.

I would check out the Nar-Anon board, and post this there too - there are a lot of amazing people there witha lot of wisdom who have suffered like yourself. Nar Anon and Al Anon are amazingly supportive programs where you can really learn to deal with own issues...it's interesting that people who love addicts have issues of their own to work on...

You have your whole life ahead of you, don't waste it on a waster!!

There ARE meetings in your area- call NA, use the link provided and start your recovery firstr...my opinion, you dn't need to tell him of yourintentions...just do the work and when you are ready, you can tell him. look after YOU.

Take care

Cathy31
x

PS and YES he does think you are stupid!! All of us addicts when active think everyone else is stupid!!! I cringe when I think how I have behaved...my own outrage and indignation when I had been drinking 'on the quiet'! Don't get caught in the vortex...why would you do that to yourself..you are worth more. but keep to yourself for now..if he comes along great super, if not, so what you will be strong enough to let go! don't rush it, but get help! it is there!!!

sick and tired

Why it is so hard for me to give up on him is kind of selfish I guess. I don't want to lose my home. Why should I lose everything along with him? I work very hard for my life. I didn't put us in debt. Why can't he see that he is destroying our life? I am so angry. How can I protect myself from losing everything?

Cathy31

He CANNOT see. It is no reflection on you. An Addict in DENIAL is like well it's hard to understand...seriously check out the family and friends board....you will find so many people there asking exactly the same questions...but you have to get yourself a support system.

Don't think in absolutes yet until you are stronger with a support structure! Your feelings are natual. It would be very dangerous to do nothing and let your thoughts get to you...you need that support strucuture - just loike us addicts NEED it...and in my opinion you need it face to face...SR is a great adddition.

You will learn so much...good luck!

Cathy31
x

nocellphone

Hi, sick and tired... So sorry to hear what you are going through, but you are certainly not alone.

Here is a link to Al-Anon in your state. It's a support group for folks who deal with, or have dealt with, situations such as you've described. It's a place where you can find help for you, whether he continues to self-destruct or not.

This link is to Al-Anon's meeting locator.

Please go to a few meetings. You will find help there. I did, and millions of others have as well...

I wish you peace.

michski

(((( sick and tired )))))

It's time for you to find a lawyer and check out your options.. it might be time for you to put an exit plan together. Please don't think of it as "scheming" against him. You must take care of yourself and get out of this horrible relationship with more than the shirt on your back. Just my 2 cents...

sick and tired

Well, just when I had given up on him, he surprised me. He went to his first recovery meeting today and seems genuinely enthusiastic to get better. He's even trying to convince a couple of his friends to go to a meeting. Maybe he really does want to get clean. I don't know. I told him that I am sooo proud of him. I don't want to be naive, but I have to have faith in him. If I don't, than who will? If he is genuine about his wanting to be clean, shouldn't I support him? He has even found a couple of support groups for me. I really believe that he cares about us and wants to help himself get better. I know I still have to keep somewhat of a guard, but shouldn't I be proud that he wants help and he is reaching out for it?

nocellphone

It's great that he's reaching out for help and making an effort to get clean! So many addicts never get or take that opportunity and lose their lives to this disease...

I do hope you'll take advantage of the recovery that's out there for you as the loved one of an addict/alcoholic... The effects that the disease of addiction has on the loved ones may be a bit subtle, but they can be just as damaging and deadly as what the addict endures.

icefalcon

sick and tired, sorry to hear about whats going on. please follow the advice of some of this posts. you really do need a support system. even if he continues to attend meetings. what we as addicts put people though leaves scares! for a heathy relationship you need to be heathy, if it's with him or if you choose to move on. please take care of yourself!
if he continues to seek recovery you may want to mention to him that alot of bikers have thier own recovery. one of the most spiritaul meetings i ever went to was at a campout held by the 5th chapter. sometime finding people of similer likes, lets us know that we are not alone.
good luck
dean

Change4life

It is great that your husband attended a meeting, however you need to be careful. I am an addict and i can tell you that we lie. We lie to the people we love and we lie to ourselves. You may ned to seperate from each other for a while. Let him get it together, and give yourself a break. It doesn't have to be permanent, but sometimes being apart for a short time brings people closer together.