Michelle37

One of the kids is getting ready to go to school which is nice...that's she's at an age where she can get dressed on her own, I mean. We parents (or in this house I, parent) seem to have to get up with them anyways. My husband seems unaffected by this phenonenom, and is still snoring peacefully. I think I'm going to insert Cheerios into his nostrils whilst he slumbers.
I would love to know why he took time off work to sleep in our bed...mind you, he has been really good to me in other ways...so maybe I won't add milk to the Cheerios I insert into his nose.
It's still hard today...and the shakes are still pretty bad. I'm finding it harder to hold my temper than it used to be. (Go figure...I'm not taking nearly 200 mg of an opiate anymore everyday, and as a result I'm finding myself not as relaxed...funny that, eh?) Kurt is still not willing to think about me going to treatment, using the same excuse of "I can't handle you gone for that long from this house..." Fine. Then maybe he should go into treatment so I can have the house to myself. I'll make the suggestion to him when he wakes up this morning.
So today, I'm feeling a little bit resentful...can you tell??? I'm mad that he tells me he's taking time off for me, but I'M the one that has to get the kids off the school, clean the house, and make the meals. WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR ME HERE??? I will tell you what he is doing for me folks, he is adding another child to this house!! By his mere presence, my workload is doubled. I don't understand this miracle anymore than you do...all I can tell you is that when Kurt walks into a room, everything is harder to do. It's like the house itself is concentrating on his majesty's wonderment thereby not concentrating on helping me to keep it clean.
King Kurt, by the way, slumbers on.
Last night, though I'm sure it's not relevant to much, I had the strangest dream that Dog The Bounty Hunter was in an AA meeting with me. The chair called on him, and this biker dude leans over and nudges The Dog, saying "Duane...man...they want you to share." I woke up before he shared his story, unfortunately, because my husband was trying to inhale our draperies with this snoring. Thank GOD he's home. What ever would I do without him. Oh good! He's farting loudly now...this surely will help me with staying sober. What ever would I do without him sleeping and passing wind nearby??
Maybe I was dreaming about Dog because from the show, I've seen how he does help his wife take care of the children. Or maybe I'm so desperate to get out of this house and go to a real meeting, my mind is manufacturing them for me in my sleep now?
I really want to use today, I'll tell you that much. I remember why it was now that I started taking the oxy's...because the pills somehow magically numbed my husband's stupidity. I think he is scared of me leaving to go to treatment because he wouldn't have the slightest clue how to run the house or take care of the kids without me. Last night, my step son, HIS SON woke up at like 4am...and guess who got to go and get Gabe and put him back to bed?? If you guessed Kurt, you haven't been reading this post very well...Kurt's response was to roll over, pass wind and say sleepily "Baby...kids want you." Thanks honey!! You really are such a marvelous help!! I'd also like to point out that though I am a great many things, when our children call for "daddy" which was what Gabe did last night, they ARE NOT looking for ME!
So today I'm tired, and angry...and I want to use because of those feelings. Unfortunately, I have a deal with my sponser that I can't use without her permission...and she's at work...so it has to wait for at least until 6pm my time...And then...I doubt I'll get permission...
In the meantime I feel that I have made LEAPS in the right direction by not attempting to smother King Kurt with our bed pillows.
Her majesty the Queen is NOT Amused...mind you...I think given, I'd be considered more of a Nanny or Servant Girl...seems all I get to do is tend to children, clean, and then when KK wants attention, I'm supposed to leap out of my mother role and into my naughty girl role and be muti-orgasmic until midnight. My skin hurts...my head hurts, and frankly, I feel like hell. I do not want to have to deal with taking care of a fully grown man that is supposed to be here for me. And yes, today I am being selfish...but I'm mad. Any suggestions on how to broach this topic with my husband? I haven't yet because I'm afraid of yelling and I don't want to do that, because he is trying so hard...and in reality I know he is. BUT I need him to understand how much harder things really are when he's not helping around here...especially with me going through these damn withdrawals. Please, if anyone has any suggestions on how to best talk to him about this, post. I'm all out of ideas here...and my head isn't working too well these days. My best thinking got me exactly where I am...

Please HELP!

Michelle

Michelle37

Okay...it's really not ALL THAT BAD!! LOL. I think I just needed to vent for a minute...and I think that being cooped up in the house for so long is really starting to get to me. (Now I know how fish feel... )
I need to count my blessings: wonderful kids, great husband (though I'd occasionally like to kill him ) beautiful house, gorgeous view, incredible sponser, wonderful friends...and so on.
Thanks for letting me vent guys...right now you are all MY SANITY!! (Not to mention my only connection to the outside world..sigh...)

God bless you all for just being here!

Michelle.

Closure

Maybe the 2 of you could go out and have lunch together.. It'd get you out of the house and provide you with a quiet place to talk to him about how you feel.. You're much less likely to yell about it in public And you'll get out of the house!

Michelle37

Well...some things are a little better now. Kurt let me out of the house for a bit this afternoon to go to the backyard (like a puppy..."come on, Girl...time to go out and play!!") and then when he couldn't see me, started to panic. (We have 80 acres so one really can wander off on our property.) I can't even believe this, but he actually left his son (my step son) in the house alone and came out looking for me!! The kid is TWO, and definately not at an age where he can be alone in the house!! I about died when I saw him come up behind me...god...all I wanted to do was get away for a few minutes!! We live in the middle of God Darn no where...not like I could have gone and done anything for heaven's sake!!
Fortunately, when we got back to the house the baby was fine...scared and crying, but fine. Jesus...I don't know how much more of this I can take.
For the first time in the course of our life together, I am contemplating leaving in the middle of the night. I could phone him from the treatment center when I get there...
Sigh...I hope my sponser gets off work soon. I really need her right now. I just feel so stuck, and so hopeless right now. What's the point in all of this if I have to be a prisoner in my own god darn home!??
Michelle.