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Old 08-29-2005, 11:27 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Up until now.....


Up until now I thought I was fine. Up until now I thought I had control. Up until now I thought was safe. Up until now I didn’t think at all. Let me tell you a little about myself. I’m young 23 to be exact. Been in a relationship for about 7 years. Give you the skinny I’ve been the jerk and she has been nothing but committed and loving. Up until this past Saturday I realize what this drink has done. It never was like this. It probably started about last year. For some reason I started to drink heavily from the occasional weekend drinker to your everyday drunk. Up until this Saturday I did something very wrong. I came home drunk as usual. Instead of just going to sleep I moped around for who knows what. She got home sometime after I did. I don’t remember much but I remember that we got into something. I think I pushed her knocking her down. Or did I strike her. I don’t remember to well but I remember her sister coming home in the mist of the chaos and thankfully took her away. I think she came back down to talk with me but I don’t recollect much. Past out as usual and woke up not remembering much as usual. Finding both of them gone I took a shower and decided to go out for a drive. I sort of remember what happened the previous night but I have to get my thoughts together. Took a long drive on the highway for about 5-6 hours. Came back home only to confirm my worst fear. I did in fact pushed her knocking her down on the ground. Up until now I was a jerk. Now I’m a woman beater. What the hell is wrong with me! I'm not sure why i'm typing this or why I'm even here. I'm a mess.
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Old 08-29-2005, 11:46 AM   #2 (permalink)
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i haven't consider going to one yet. i guess i'm more afraid of what might happen. change is kind of hard for me. but i know i need help more than ever. my drinking and smoking are killing me slowly. i my time of needing her i feel most alone. but i understand her current stand. gosh it's looking worst by the moment.
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Old 08-29-2005, 11:48 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome and Hello!

Blackouts are a sign of middle stage alcoholism.
This info is from 'Under The Influence'
a super handvook on drinking/recovery.

The incident could have lead to her death.
Most inmates who are incarserated are there because of drinking/drugging.

no drinking=no abuse=no crime seems simple to me.

Stick around...we care.
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Old 08-29-2005, 11:51 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Simple yes! but easier said than done. i need to talk with her today. sit her down as i know i can't go through this alone but i'll try. i'm still trying to find the source of the drinking. why! i just don't get it. why am i resorting to drinking away things. a person just wouldn't just drink to drink would they?
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Old 08-29-2005, 12:25 PM   #5 (permalink)
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You stated:

"i haven't consider going to one yet. i guess i'm more afraid of what might happen. change is kind of hard for me".

Continue to drink like you have been and the "yets" are sure to come. If you haven't gotten a DUI yet, if you haven't gone to jail yet, if you haven't lost evreything you ever loved yet, bottoms up pal! and join the club if you choose to do so. It looks like you are well on your way after pushing around your woman. If you are afraid of change, think about spending some time behind bars the next time you decide to rough up a woman. Chances are you will.

Go to an AA meeting. It ain't gonna kill ya. You very well might discover the source of your drinking. And yes a person would drink just to drink. I loved to drink. I liked the taste of an ice cold beer and I liked the the buzz. I just regret I didn't get help at 23.
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Old 08-29-2005, 12:26 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hey! You asked why are you drinking so heavily? It's because you're an alcoholic....even though you may not have a reason you are drinking right now, when you started and escalated the periods of drinking somewhere in there you confused your body and it's chemistry and the psycho part too. I don't want to tell you the wrong facts because, well, honestly I don't remember since I always make excuses for myself.....but if you read up on alcoholism, you will see how you body is physically addicted and you are actually drinking to avoid/subdue withdrawals.....hope you find some literature, or look online...there is a ton of info on there that will probably help you understand all this better.....

Good luck, remember
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Old 08-29-2005, 12:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi carlsson.....a warm welcome to SoberRecovery.

A person starts out drinking innocently, thinking it's fun...some are lucky and can walk away from it..other's aren't so lucky with it..they are addicts the addiction sinks it's claws in deeper as the years go by, they live the rest of their lives with this, the longer it continues the uglier it gets, it turns into a living hell, literally, you're caught in a trap and THINK you can't get out of it....I could give you an unlimited lists of ugly things on it, but I think you're got a lot figured out now. Not worth losing someone good in your life, just not.

23 years old.....you're life is just beginning..you say you're afraid of change, hope you know the longer you continue with your addiction the stronger it will get, and stronger and stronger, next thing you know 20 years will have passed you by, you'll be sitting there crying over what you've LOST, you'll loss a lot of good things.....not worth it.

I'm sooooooo happy you're here today, you don't have to live like this another day, there's all kinds of help waiting for you.....AA is a wonderful place, I've went to meetings, everyone there is like US, I stopped for personal reasons, but I'd recommend it to anyone, give it a try at least, don't be afraid, you'll see people there your age..everyone there will help you out....you can't do it alone, the help is there for you...GRAB hold of it....don't be like me sitting here with so many wasted years, so much shame and regret. Set yourself FREE.
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Old 08-29-2005, 01:13 PM   #8 (permalink)
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currently looking for meetings in my area. i hope i can do this.
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Old 08-29-2005, 01:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
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You bet you can do it....that's why you're here looking for help. You know the meetings I attended, when I seen the younger one's there....oh boy I can't express how good that made me feel all over....to be able to have sat and talked to them, seeing the HOPE...

You'll do just fine....wishing you all good things to come in your sobriety. Sober is pretty good you know, sober is darn good you know....sober stops all the insanity...the black outs, which by the way will get worse, you put yourself in harms way, or worse..others.

YOU CAN DO IT.....YOU CAN DO IT

Big hugs from a mother who has a daughter your age...WE all understand here.
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Old 08-29-2005, 02:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Dear Carlsson:

Don't waste your time and energy trying to find out why you are drinking because there is no answer.

Alcoholism is a disease that affects some people and does not impact others. Some people can run a mile in under 4 minutes while some of us are lucky to run the same mile in four hours.

Having this disease is not an end all as there are far worse diseases.

Just accept the fact that you have this disease and seek the treatment you need to stop drinking.

As to your girl friend, share this entire new experience with her. Tell you have sought out help at his website and that you need her support to win this battle. Her support will be invaluable in the process as without my wife of 34 years I would have never gained my 21 months of sobriety.

You are not a looser but simply someone who has come to realize the effect upon themselves and others of what this disease will do if it is not controlled. There is no cure, but it can be managed with AA and other resources.

It will not be easy at first, but after a while you will be able to fully experience life and, let me tell you that is a wonderful experience. Don't waste the years that I did not facing up the fact that I have this disease.

I cannot wish luck because luck will not suffice. It takes some work and support to master the disease, but in reading between the lines of your post, I know that you can do it.

You start having a Great Day because you are worth it!
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Old 08-29-2005, 03:21 PM   #11 (permalink)
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life has thrown me plenty of surprise. this one is harder than it seems. odd how a few beers with friends in the beginning can lead to such distruction. i found a few places i hope there's people within my age group.
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Old 08-29-2005, 03:49 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carlsson
life has thrown me plenty of surprise. this one is harder than it seems. odd how a few beers with friends in the beginning can lead to such distruction. i found a few places i hope there's people within my age group.
Life will throw you plently more surprises the longer you continue to drink, sad to say, it could end up ruining your life, it's just not worth, the work in getting sober and staying sober is worth all the effort it takes. Yep a few beer tends to do that to us....start out with good intentions of only having a couple, then something clicks in our heads, then we're off to the races, not thinking of anything other then ourselves and getting high.

:bravoI'm soooo happy you found a few places. You know what? even if there isn't anyone your age the night you go don't worry about it, they will be there another time, some will greet you make you comfortable, don't be afraid everyone there understands, you have your regulars that go, and that's a BONUS for you too, the old timers will teach you a lot, guide you.

Check out this thread, it's heartbreaking, real sad...this young man and woman's lives have been altered beyond belief..

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=68576

Ah you got me smiling here, :Terrific guess what? while your helping yourself it might just help others that you know, they will see a difference in you, a happier person, and want to join you, never know eh? Life's short let me tell you...enjoy your youth.
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Old 08-29-2005, 04:04 PM   #13 (permalink)
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thanks wingsfree. you've been nothing but positively inspirational. i'm determine to go to one at least. if there is a higher power i need its help more than ever. it would kill me to lose her to alcohol.


OMG! that link is one of the hardest to look at. i've never drank and drove. i've always been responsible enough to have a designated driver or i was one. sending link to friends. i'm speechless.
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Old 08-29-2005, 04:32 PM   #14 (permalink)
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You're very welcome carlsson, that's why we are here, to help one another. Yep go and check out a meeting, I have to tell you though, one won't work, you have to keep going, trust me on that, I went to a couple a few years ago, thought I was cured because I stopped for two months....oh yeah showed what I know. We have a disease, that's your choice to call it that or not....or labeling yourself as an alcoholic..some have a problem with it, but that doesn't matter, bottom line is you know you have a problem, and it's a HUGE one, but it can be fixed and with help that's waiting for you. You walk through those doors and I would bet someone is waiting for you.

Yep pretty sad stuff isn't it..maybe that's the first time that young man drove after drinking, most say they will never do it....but in a black out, you have no clue as to anything going on around you. Gonna tell you what happened to me this past January...in a black out I fell into a woodstove, 2nd degree burns, which I'm still healing from, 7 months ago.....thanking God I didn't hurt anyone but myself.....now that I think of it, I've hurt my children, can't imagine what they must think knowing this happened because I drank. Anyway I was lucky it could have been worse, it was another lesson for me to stop.

About your Higher Power, I believe in Him, I always have since I was a kid, today I know I wasn't letting myself get close to Him.....ok gonna tell you this too, and no I'm not off my rocker, haha, at least I don't think I am.

A couple weeks before I got burnt I was outside early morning with my little dog, sorry I tend to ramble on a lot telling a story, anyway it dark and real cold out, the stars were shining, looked real pretty when it's like that in the winter, the snow looks like diamonds sparkling....I looked up to the sky and talked to my Higher Power again, and asked Him why He never listens to me, mentioned I've talked to Him forever....ok here comes the weird part, not weird for me, but anyone reading this might think it is, cause some don't believe.....anyway I felt something no sooner after I talked to Him, I felt a jolt or something in my head, my whole body, He let me know He's here for me....yep He did, I was stunned for a couple minutes thinking I had imagined it.....I know I didn't, it was real, I wish it would happen again, it was the most peaceful feeling just a moment in time, but REAL. Needless to say I still didn't listen, and a couple weeks later I got hurt, I think He gave me an extra push trying to help me....today I'm finally sober....it's taken me a lot of years and a lot of pain getting here....Please do what you have to do to get well.....I know you can do it.

Check out the Alcoholism boards here...lots of guys will help you out...start a thread there...lots of amazing people here, lots with years of sobriety and are waiting to show you the way to a better happier life.
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Old 08-29-2005, 04:44 PM   #15 (permalink)
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wow. that must of been something. i've never been much of a church goer. maybe a service or two every long now and then. i really need some guidance. never been much on asking people for help. i can't believe i'm doing this.
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Old 08-30-2005, 03:55 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Yep carlsson it was something....wish I could think of a proper word to describe what it felt like...wish everyone could feel it.....I'm betting some have. I told a friend of mine about it, she told me...ohhhhhhhhh don't be telling to many people that, I thought why..it happened, maybe it might open other's eyes, never know eh? I can tell you it makes me smile every time I think of it, a warm peaceful feeling comes over me, makes me smile bigger when I'm outside where it happened, outside is where I'm the closest to my Higher Power, I've heard others say that, we're connected to everything, today I've opened my eyes up wide to what's around me, it's sorta hard when you're in an alcohol haze or hungover, it's sad what you miss, sad all the years that go by.

We all need some sort of guidance...a lot of us understand how hard it is to ask for help...WE are human that's what WE do, I understand how hard it is to do, I've always did things on my own.....asking for help, no way, I can do it alone....ha shows what I know.

I hope you're doing ok today, and really thinking about making the right choice...I keep thinking of your age....oh if I could go back to that age and make the right choices, my life would be so much better today, less regrets for one.

One more thought before I go....you know that little word called FEAR it's a pretty powerful word isn't it....and you know what, most of our fears are all in our heads, they are illusions, they stop us from doing things we want to do, think about it for a second...push that word away and you'll be surprised what you can do with your life, at least try, we don't know unless we try right?

Take care of yourself, I see good things coming your way.

Life's good sober not perfect, who wants perfect anyway, would be boring.
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Old 08-30-2005, 09:04 AM   #17 (permalink)
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2 days of being sober. not a bad feeling. the urge is there but i think i can still hold out longer.

last night was my first challenge. open the fridge and wham! an ice cold bottle of corona. thought twice and closed the door. minutes later, all alcohol was thrown away.

wow, i have alot of bad habit. hard to kind of admit that. even harder to lose them.

i'll take it one day at a time.

thanks wingsfree for everything.
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Old 08-30-2005, 09:55 AM   #18 (permalink)
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You're welcome.

Yeah us humans are prone to bad habits.......sitting here chewing a nail.

Looks like you have a good plan, keep up the good work

Wouldn't be fun snuggling up to a cold beer at night, would it?

P.S. Tip of the day.....don't count your days..added pressure I figure. But then what do I know...other then, You Can't Roller Skate In Buffalo Herd.....oh my gosh where did that song come from, sitting here laughing
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Old 08-30-2005, 10:29 AM   #19 (permalink)
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i've taken up reading to keep my mind off of alcohol. seems to be working great! and i enjoying reading also. so if you recommend something let me know.

books i've been through in 2 days:

the partner - john grisham
the street lawyer - john grisham
starting a painted house - john grisham
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Old 08-30-2005, 11:17 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Good pass time reading....you're reading pretty heavy stuff there, holy cow you read fast. I used to read his books, I haven't in some time.

I have The Partner.....Rainmaker......A Time To Kill...The Firm..The Pelican Brief, I have other's my girl has them.

I used to read Dean R Koontz....hmm what's the other guy...he writes dark novels too...oh I forget, my girl has all those books now...Tammy Hoag....John Patterson also...I don't care for that kind of novels anymore....today I'm reading up on spirituality....oh yeah Danielle Steel, LaVyrle Spencer, but I have a feeling you won't like those kind of books..you know and they Lived Happily Ever After...

Clan of the Cave Bear series...

Keep reading...keeps a guy out of trouble.
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