I think I am an alchoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Thailand
Posts: 7
I think I am an alchoholic
Wasnt my fault. Blame the USMC. I didnt drink before joining.
Never drank till the USMC. After 4 years got out with a case and 1/2 day habit. No problem. Never got drunk, never passed out, never caused trouble. Till one night while driving. Saw my limitations and stopped driving when drinking. Case closed.
New job, for the last 25 years, working offshore 2-4 months at a time, 4-6 weeks onshore thailand bars.
Did not consider myself an alchoholic. I worked 8-9 months of the year offshore, no beer onboard. No problem. When on off time, I had fun, making up for lost time, and thinking of more lost time ahead, I drank beer. 30 bottles a night was easy, not counting the days, no problem. Would stop drinking 2-3 days before going back offshore, nothing worse than being on a heaving boat, hungover.
At age 52, was laid off, told am too old now.
So for the last two years have been living off of profit sharing and severence pay, funds soon to expire.
Have a room, and most times dont come out of it for 2-3 months. Stock up on food/water, order food in, and drink.
I am drinking now, and I got a problem, but cant seem to break out. I feel bad for drinking, I know I am drunk, but when I feel like I am just a piece of flotsam and don't matter anymore, I start drinking again.
I think I am screwed totally, and am just waiting for the end. It has to end sooner or later right? Think now would be a good time. Hell, 2 years ago, when I got laid off would have been even better. At least what money I had could have gone to my daughter (my wife died in a motorcyle accident in 94).
Now I am looking at nothing. Have been there before though, and worse, hugging a bush to keep warm at night, no money, no job, no place to sleep, only the clothes I wear. I got out of that, but at that time I was young. Now am 53. Where to from here? Isn't it just better to let go?
If you haven't planned ahead (heck, I thought I would die for sure before I was 30...rats), no company wants you when you are over 50. Try and find another job at that age. It won't happen.
I think, is best to just give up, and let it rest.
My daughter is 12 now. I built a home upcountry years back, where she and my sister-in-law lives. Big family there, all taken care of by me with monthly stipends (soon to stop, when my profit sharing proceeds leak out). Haven't seen my daughter in 7 years though, havent gone home. Don't want her to see me this way. She has family, figure I would just screw things up for her. Talk to her sort of on the phone now and then, mostly at the end of the month when Thai relatives need more money. But she doesn't speak english, I don't speak thai (memory is going).
So many things I should have, could have done, but didn't.
Tks Vodka.
Yeah, your right, I am drinking as I write this. Is why is so volumnous and pathetic. I suck. I am what I am.
Couple of friends disappeared along with their children, cause of the Tsunami. Am thinking would have been nice to have been there.
So someone is going to post "Hey, you need help, you have got problems!" Yeah right, tell me some thing I haven't figured out already.
I have lived and worked in SE Asia for the last 25 years. I have no family in the states. I am from Hawaii and have no family there either. Who would you suggest I get help from? Someone in Thailand?
Make sure you know of what you speak before you post. There is no help in Thailand, and no way to get back home. Doctors speak Thai here, and don't really give a rat's ass about Farangs (foreigners), except their money.
Thinking of which, this would make a good story for some enterprising reporter eh? A good holiday, expenses paid in paradise Thailand, watching, filming and interviewing a transplanted Houli in his final throes? Good copy. Maybe I can make some buck off of this and keep it going for another year eh?
Tks for lisenting, I'm out of here, gotta order more beer from down stairs lobby.
rad
Never drank till the USMC. After 4 years got out with a case and 1/2 day habit. No problem. Never got drunk, never passed out, never caused trouble. Till one night while driving. Saw my limitations and stopped driving when drinking. Case closed.
New job, for the last 25 years, working offshore 2-4 months at a time, 4-6 weeks onshore thailand bars.
Did not consider myself an alchoholic. I worked 8-9 months of the year offshore, no beer onboard. No problem. When on off time, I had fun, making up for lost time, and thinking of more lost time ahead, I drank beer. 30 bottles a night was easy, not counting the days, no problem. Would stop drinking 2-3 days before going back offshore, nothing worse than being on a heaving boat, hungover.
At age 52, was laid off, told am too old now.
So for the last two years have been living off of profit sharing and severence pay, funds soon to expire.
Have a room, and most times dont come out of it for 2-3 months. Stock up on food/water, order food in, and drink.
I am drinking now, and I got a problem, but cant seem to break out. I feel bad for drinking, I know I am drunk, but when I feel like I am just a piece of flotsam and don't matter anymore, I start drinking again.
I think I am screwed totally, and am just waiting for the end. It has to end sooner or later right? Think now would be a good time. Hell, 2 years ago, when I got laid off would have been even better. At least what money I had could have gone to my daughter (my wife died in a motorcyle accident in 94).
Now I am looking at nothing. Have been there before though, and worse, hugging a bush to keep warm at night, no money, no job, no place to sleep, only the clothes I wear. I got out of that, but at that time I was young. Now am 53. Where to from here? Isn't it just better to let go?
If you haven't planned ahead (heck, I thought I would die for sure before I was 30...rats), no company wants you when you are over 50. Try and find another job at that age. It won't happen.
I think, is best to just give up, and let it rest.
My daughter is 12 now. I built a home upcountry years back, where she and my sister-in-law lives. Big family there, all taken care of by me with monthly stipends (soon to stop, when my profit sharing proceeds leak out). Haven't seen my daughter in 7 years though, havent gone home. Don't want her to see me this way. She has family, figure I would just screw things up for her. Talk to her sort of on the phone now and then, mostly at the end of the month when Thai relatives need more money. But she doesn't speak english, I don't speak thai (memory is going).
So many things I should have, could have done, but didn't.
Tks Vodka.
Yeah, your right, I am drinking as I write this. Is why is so volumnous and pathetic. I suck. I am what I am.
Couple of friends disappeared along with their children, cause of the Tsunami. Am thinking would have been nice to have been there.
So someone is going to post "Hey, you need help, you have got problems!" Yeah right, tell me some thing I haven't figured out already.
I have lived and worked in SE Asia for the last 25 years. I have no family in the states. I am from Hawaii and have no family there either. Who would you suggest I get help from? Someone in Thailand?
Make sure you know of what you speak before you post. There is no help in Thailand, and no way to get back home. Doctors speak Thai here, and don't really give a rat's ass about Farangs (foreigners), except their money.
Thinking of which, this would make a good story for some enterprising reporter eh? A good holiday, expenses paid in paradise Thailand, watching, filming and interviewing a transplanted Houli in his final throes? Good copy. Maybe I can make some buck off of this and keep it going for another year eh?
Tks for lisenting, I'm out of here, gotta order more beer from down stairs lobby.
rad
Giving up control
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Beckley, WV
Posts: 97
U rahh!!! Don't know if thats how you spell it but you know what I mean! (Marine talk!) Hi my name is Susan alcoholic/addict. The love of my life left for Iraq last September in the Marines. I feel I have a major bond with you already! I haven't talked to him in months because of the movements they have made recently not to mention the attacks on Mosul where 22 soldiers were killed. They have cut off all lines of communication on ther base and lord do I miss him more than ever. I am drinking right now too. I had went 6 days, not long, but long for me. I am here for you along with others, that don't drink, that can give you great suggestions and support. Welcome to SR, hope to get to know you more. Feel free to PM me anytime, but you most likely should try to get a hold of the wise ones around here. I am just a young buck! i'll keep you in my prayers, take care, Susan
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
(((((rad)))))
Here is a link that may help you: Thailand AA. Check it out. There is help and you ARE worth it!
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Here is a link that may help you: Thailand AA. Check it out. There is help and you ARE worth it!
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Out of Town
Posts: 20
God help us all! Rad and Susan...
I just got on and started really talking about this today. My but hurts from sitting in front of this computer all day. I have learned so much. I am not sure where I am going, but I am choosing life! Death may last too long...Who knows.
Brighty
Brighty
one of many
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Ellisville, FL
Posts: 200
This disease can even kill a marine. It never ceases to amaze me. You have access to the internet which is a good thing. Someone has provided you with Thailand AA which may be beneficial or not. I'm sure if there are enough English speaking Foreigners they may be able to provide meetings in English as well. You are not a bad person. You don't deserve the madness that has engulfed your life. None of us do. Whether we deserve it or not it we are responsible for recovering from it. You can choose to live in your misery or you can stand up and wipe the dirt from your trousers and move on. Drug addiction and Alcoholism are just a more benign form of suicide. I struggle everyday to understand why I want to destroy my life so bad. Being in a recovery program has helped me to stop these destructive behaviors.
I wish you the best of luck my friend. May God bring peace to your life.
Chris
I wish you the best of luck my friend. May God bring peace to your life.
Chris
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Colorado
Posts: 63
Hello rad,
I like to think I know of what I speak, but I’ve been told I’m full of **** on more than one occasion
I can, though, relate to your story. I was a union stagehand for 17 years until an accident ended my career 3 years ago. I’m forty-five and being a stagehand was the only thing I knew how to do, wanted to know how to do.
I was a lifelong career drinker, since the age of 16, and being a stagehand is one of the few jobs I know of where drinking at the breaks and lunch is not only ok, it’s practically encouraged. Needless to say, I fit right in.
I received some money in an insurance settlement from the accident and figured life had dealt me a bad hand by ending my career. Well, I’d show life, I thought. I’ll just drink myself into oblivion everyday. That’ll show em. This is what I proceeded to do for almost the next three years. It was my revenge.
About two months ago, after a particularly bad bender, while lying in bed recovering, I had what I believe AA members would call ‘a moment of clarity’. I realized that my self-destructive behavior wasn’t getting back at anyone, not the people I felt had caused the accident, not life who I felt had cheated me so cruelly. Not the god whom I felt had abandoned me.
I came to the realization that I was destroying myself to get back at something I didn’t even understand. I knew all of a sudden that I’d been doing nothing but wallowing in self-pity. To an alcoholic like me, this was all the excuse I needed to drink myself silly at every opportunity. And every day was an opportunity.
I also realized that I was responsible for the situation I’d gotten myself into by squandering three years drunk and it would have to be my responsibility to get myself out of my predicament. I stopped drinking. Cold turkey. After four days of withdrawal symptoms, I was once again among the living, but it’s a process I’m working on every day, one day at a time not drinking.
So far I’ve done it all on my own, along with coming to this message board and reading the posts of those with some sober time and those wanting to quit but still suffering. It has helped me immensely. I never want to go back to that dark place where my vendetta against the world acted itself out by my actions in the slow, terror and anxiety filled, and selfish, process of suicide on the installment plan-death by alcoholism.
If you want to quit you can do it. Do it for yourself, if for no other reason. If I can do it, you can too. Grab on to whatever’s available to help you like it’s a lifeline. We’ve both got plenty of living yet to do and the first step for me was rising from that bed and being willing to change so I can actually participate in life and even remember what I’ve done.
Treat yourself with the respect you so deserve, you’ve earned it. I wish you the best.
Thorn
I like to think I know of what I speak, but I’ve been told I’m full of **** on more than one occasion
I can, though, relate to your story. I was a union stagehand for 17 years until an accident ended my career 3 years ago. I’m forty-five and being a stagehand was the only thing I knew how to do, wanted to know how to do.
I was a lifelong career drinker, since the age of 16, and being a stagehand is one of the few jobs I know of where drinking at the breaks and lunch is not only ok, it’s practically encouraged. Needless to say, I fit right in.
I received some money in an insurance settlement from the accident and figured life had dealt me a bad hand by ending my career. Well, I’d show life, I thought. I’ll just drink myself into oblivion everyday. That’ll show em. This is what I proceeded to do for almost the next three years. It was my revenge.
About two months ago, after a particularly bad bender, while lying in bed recovering, I had what I believe AA members would call ‘a moment of clarity’. I realized that my self-destructive behavior wasn’t getting back at anyone, not the people I felt had caused the accident, not life who I felt had cheated me so cruelly. Not the god whom I felt had abandoned me.
I came to the realization that I was destroying myself to get back at something I didn’t even understand. I knew all of a sudden that I’d been doing nothing but wallowing in self-pity. To an alcoholic like me, this was all the excuse I needed to drink myself silly at every opportunity. And every day was an opportunity.
I also realized that I was responsible for the situation I’d gotten myself into by squandering three years drunk and it would have to be my responsibility to get myself out of my predicament. I stopped drinking. Cold turkey. After four days of withdrawal symptoms, I was once again among the living, but it’s a process I’m working on every day, one day at a time not drinking.
So far I’ve done it all on my own, along with coming to this message board and reading the posts of those with some sober time and those wanting to quit but still suffering. It has helped me immensely. I never want to go back to that dark place where my vendetta against the world acted itself out by my actions in the slow, terror and anxiety filled, and selfish, process of suicide on the installment plan-death by alcoholism.
If you want to quit you can do it. Do it for yourself, if for no other reason. If I can do it, you can too. Grab on to whatever’s available to help you like it’s a lifeline. We’ve both got plenty of living yet to do and the first step for me was rising from that bed and being willing to change so I can actually participate in life and even remember what I’ve done.
Treat yourself with the respect you so deserve, you’ve earned it. I wish you the best.
Thorn
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Rad,
did the marines force you to swill booze down your throat? I chose the path that I went down. We all are free to do what we will unless, we're locked up. Sounds like you have a pity party going on man. I blamed evereyone for the way I felt too.
listen, the only real good advice i can give you is this, what ever the problem alcohol won't solve it.
you're wrong, you do have family. I've got a son 16 and a daughter i din't get to see for over 5 years
. You're only defeated if, you give up. All is not lost. Do they have any AA meetings there? I do hope, and pray you can find 1.
Life is what we make of it, what we do with the hand that is dealt us. i've decided to enjoy life to the fullest till the last breathe is out of my body. Why don't you join me on the journey.
did the marines force you to swill booze down your throat? I chose the path that I went down. We all are free to do what we will unless, we're locked up. Sounds like you have a pity party going on man. I blamed evereyone for the way I felt too.
listen, the only real good advice i can give you is this, what ever the problem alcohol won't solve it.
you're wrong, you do have family. I've got a son 16 and a daughter i din't get to see for over 5 years
. You're only defeated if, you give up. All is not lost. Do they have any AA meetings there? I do hope, and pray you can find 1. Life is what we make of it, what we do with the hand that is dealt us. i've decided to enjoy life to the fullest till the last breathe is out of my body. Why don't you join me on the journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Thailand
Posts: 7
Captainzing2000, No. Was either that or drugs, though. You, not having been in the Marines would not know what the difference is though would you? And don't ever misalign the USMC again in my thread. Only Marines or ex-Marines have that right yobo.
rad
did the marines force you to swill booze down your throat?
rad
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: The Left Coast
Posts: 73
Rad, there is no need to give up, and I am so happy you reached out. I am only on my fifth day alcohol-free, but this is more than I have been able to accomplish in three-plus years.
Even if Thailand has no resources, there is a lot available online these days. In my first stint at sobriety, the Internet barely even existed. I'm pleasantly surprised at how much is available now.
I don't have much to pontificate on, but I can say this to you: You don't ever have to feel this way again if you don't want to! You really don't!
Even if Thailand has no resources, there is a lot available online these days. In my first stint at sobriety, the Internet barely even existed. I'm pleasantly surprised at how much is available now.
I don't have much to pontificate on, but I can say this to you: You don't ever have to feel this way again if you don't want to! You really don't!
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Rad,
I'm Not Trying To Put You Down. What I Mean To Say Is We Have To Become Responsible For Our Actions. Take An Inventory. See What About Yourself You Can Change. Just Don't Give Up Ok.
I Apologize To You As Well. I Want To Have A Good Life For You And That Little Girl. You Can Do It
MOST OF ALL, I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE IN HERE. I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR SERVING OUR COUNTRY. YOU ARE A HERO TO ME AND EVERYONE IN HERE THAT ENJOYS THEIR FREEDOM
I'm Not Trying To Put You Down. What I Mean To Say Is We Have To Become Responsible For Our Actions. Take An Inventory. See What About Yourself You Can Change. Just Don't Give Up Ok.
I Apologize To You As Well. I Want To Have A Good Life For You And That Little Girl. You Can Do It
MOST OF ALL, I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE IN HERE. I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR SERVING OUR COUNTRY. YOU ARE A HERO TO ME AND EVERYONE IN HERE THAT ENJOYS THEIR FREEDOM
Last edited by CAPTAINZING2000; 01-12-2005 at 09:41 AM. Reason: ADDITION
knucklehead
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: earth
Posts: 694
Rad, You can stop it is not easy. It seems like it may be a good time to start over. I cant think of a better way to start then quitting drinking. It is a begining to a new life never too late. I believe you can do it but you got to do the heavy lifting. We are all in different life situations. It is simple you just stop drinking a day at a time and you start abstaining a day at a time. Like I said it is simple not easy but simple. You might want to check out www.rationalrecovery.org it might help. It is up to you you can choose to continue to drink aro you can take the bull by the horns and quit. Can you get back to the states? It might be better for you to get back to the states for some medical attention If you can? Well good luck.
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
Welcome ****{Rad}}}
Make the decision to stop drinking and just do it. Check out the AA meeting and all online links. You can stop if you really want to. Your life doesn't have to be miserable. It isn't easy, but certainly obtainable. We will help support you in any way possible. There will be bumps in the road, but we get over them. My life was a living hell and I stopped drinking. I never thought it would be possible. I never thought I would be able to get through one day without a drink. I did it and so can you. "One day at a time" is such a cliche, but the statement rings true. It's so simple, yet realistic. To think about tomorrow's, tomorrow, can be so overwhelming. Break it down minute by minute and accomplishments that used to overwhelm us are achieved. Just don't drink. Good luck and I hope you stay in touch. SR has helped me immenesly. It can help you too. You can change your life around. I'm amazed by how my life has changed since I gave up the booze. How does a good life sound? Give it a chance. What do you have to lose?
Make the decision to stop drinking and just do it. Check out the AA meeting and all online links. You can stop if you really want to. Your life doesn't have to be miserable. It isn't easy, but certainly obtainable. We will help support you in any way possible. There will be bumps in the road, but we get over them. My life was a living hell and I stopped drinking. I never thought it would be possible. I never thought I would be able to get through one day without a drink. I did it and so can you. "One day at a time" is such a cliche, but the statement rings true. It's so simple, yet realistic. To think about tomorrow's, tomorrow, can be so overwhelming. Break it down minute by minute and accomplishments that used to overwhelm us are achieved. Just don't drink. Good luck and I hope you stay in touch. SR has helped me immenesly. It can help you too. You can change your life around. I'm amazed by how my life has changed since I gave up the booze. How does a good life sound? Give it a chance. What do you have to lose?
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