Stevecarl

Ok - my gig. Drinking only, but at a pace that is killing me. For the last couple of years, I've had no trouble finishing 1/2 to all of a 750 ml grey goose. It's my only escape from what is an extremely stressful job. I'm divorced, live alone, and am dating someone for the last 2 months who is really trying to help. I've missed the last 4 days of work, but have become an expert at talking my way out of it (family emergencies, kids sick, etc.). I think I now have a bleeding ulcer, based upon throwing up this weekend a couple of times and the pain I have. Naturally I smoke, too, which makes everything worse.

As soon as she left today, I ran some errands, doing the right thing, and could not resist the pull of the packy across the street. I've only had a little bit, but she'll be back in an hour or so and I'll have to hide it. I want out of this, but seem to have crossed the line into REAL physical dependence. I hate it, it's ruining my life, and I can't control it. I've tried so many times to quit, did AA, all of it. I keep falling on my face. And it's getting harder to get up every time. I have 2 boys - 7 and 6 - who make it mandatory that I do not stop trying. But this is getting harder and harder.

CAPTAINZING2000

So many rthoughts run thru my head.

You still get to see those kids? i lost visitation for over 5 years cause, I wanted to drink instead of go pick them up on a weekend.

Like for those kids to grow up w/o a dad?

For God sakes man get to a meeting get a god sponser to guide you thru this.

If, i can quit you can too.


Chris

Stevecarl

Thanks Chris. I haven't given up, and I do still have my boys 3 days a week. I won't give up. I just feel that I'm on a precipice of really not having control, and that's new to me. I've been a drinker since college (I'm 34 now). I knew the mental piece, it's the physical part that's now scaring me. Thank you so much for replying so quickly. Means more than you know.

CAPTAINZING2000

Steve

Buddy I've been there drank almost as long as you been breathing air.

I want to tell you, afer my last drunken arrest, I saw my little girl in her mom's car go by me. She was a waving at me. That's the last time I saw her for over 5 years.

You think about that when, you take another drink. I got a whole in my heart the size of Texas over the pain I cause my kids.

Irish Virus

I disagree with your comment "she'll be back in an hour or so and I'll have to hide it."
Be honest and leave the bottle on the table for the whole world to see. You got a problem so why try to BS the people who care about you.

It sounds to me that you are ready to return to an AA meeting and finally admit that you are in fact powerless over alcohol. You have in fact taken the first step with what you have stated in your post and that is a major start to recovery.

Kicking the physical addiction part is a living hell at first. But if you truly want to quit, you can make it with the help of God and a friend. I found the only way I could quit was to have someone close spend the first few days with me as went cold turkey. Someone to talk to who will offer support helps enormously. Your girl seems like a perfect candidate if she cares.

Best of luck. This is a matter of life and death.

Stevecarl

Thank you guys. I don't want to hide it, and I actually just poured it out. She is the perfect candidate, and is all over my ass on it which I need (and respect and appreciate). I don't want to lose my boys and won't. I'm just incredibly scared.

NoMoBeer

Don't detox without medical help. That's serious stuff...

Once the physical withdrawls are through, and you start clearing, you will NEED to work on the mental/spiritual aspect. We don't recover from alcoholism by "quitting" drinking. You said you "did" AA. I doubt if you did the work necessary to stay sober and live a happy sober life.

Read p. 58 in the Big Book -- that tells us who makes it and who doesn't.

Please -- dry out (with help), get back in AA and GET TO WORK! Your life and your kids' lives depend on it!

Stay in touch here as well, and feel free to PM me if you need anything...

Your decision -- this crap ends today if you want it to...

Ken

hopealwayz

Be honest with your girl about the fact that you drank today. It sounds like you have someone who will be there for you and will give you the support you need. You are worth so much more than a life with alcohol. I can tell that you have a great spirit and have many great things inside of you. You have blessing around you in the people who love you. You have an opportunity to step up before things get worse.

We are here for you. Go to any lengths to get sober and you will never regret it.

Take care,
Angel

jael215

Steve, I can relate. I have woken up over and over telling myself, "No Alcohol Today", and "I'm quitting, for real," and "This tiime I mean it," and so on. I'm currently on my latest day 1. I want it to be my last day 1. I have two beautiful daughters, and I want to be around for them, and present--I love them. But even though I see mentally what the booze is doing to me, and I know that it's not good for them to have a mother who's drunk every evening, come late afternoon, I'm usually on my way to get another bottle of wine.

Slowbriety

read chapter 5 of the big book. "how it works"

nogard

Welcome to SR, hang around.

nogard

CarolD

Please go to our Alcoholism forum.

Look at the sticky...'What to expect'


Youu have to want to be sober more than you want to drink.

Let us know how you are doing...we understand.

Stevecarl

Thank you everyone. I SO want to be, my mind is there, and my body is fighting it. I went to work today, thank god. Was unsteady, felt faint at times, was weak. No one noticed, natch, which in a part of my mind I hate. I so wish someone would call me on it. I worked from 7 AM to 6 PM, got home at about 8. I feel better now, like I always do after a "a first day back". But the string is short, and I know it. I'm like a cat on its 8th life. Whenever I do a good day like this, I feel like I can manage it. Then a stupid f'ing bender comes a month or so later, and I miss a few days again. I can't, not want to, continue this. It so helps hearing from you.

shockozulu

Steve, remind yourself that you can't manage it. Period. That is part of the addiction. Then when you feel like you want to drink, come here and post "SR folks, I want to drink right now but I haven't yet." And tell us why. It sure helps the time pass and focus your energies on getting the feelings out before you reach for the bottle.

As CarolD said, we do understand.

Jupiter2

Hi Steve,

I had the recurring day 1's too for about 8 years. It was killing me as I entered my early 40's. I have been sober for over 6 months and I know AA has been the thing that has kept me sober. Not a perfect program, but neither am I a perfect person. Give it a try and find some meetings you feel comfortable with. Speak up so people can get to know you. If something bothers you about meetings, concentrate on the things you find helpful and keep going anyway. Look for a sponsor that has what you want in life. Your kids need their dad and you deserve to be happy and healthy.

Jup.